flow1759:



I no forget you Na. The thing be say e get person wey been wan do me wayo because I give am my number for this site. OK no wahala, I go give u. Pm me

No wahala I go do am

Truth be told, I was hating Kel on per seconds count. He slept with almost everything on trousers that worked in both Wilo Security company and Wilo Courier services limited.


“oboy ee!!!!!! If you see wetin my eye see as I enter office today ehnn!!!” Segun said as we sat to drink at Mama Sikiru’s bar.

“wetin you say you see sef?” Amos asked as he put on his antenna to pick reception. His ears was not only as big as an antenna, it was also as big as a Satellite dish of those days.

While Amos’s ears were bigger than two Cassava leaves put together, mine was as small as Peanut.


“oboy as I come back from hustle today, as I reach office, na so I see say office door dey open, I kukuma no knock, I just enter like that”

“ehen!!!!! Wetin come happen?” I was really curious.

“no dey rush me na!!! allow me make I yan”

“no mind Flow jor, yan!!”

“As I enter office, naso Kel rush come block me as I wan enter Oga office go tell am good evening”

“why she block you na?” I asked.

“Flow!!! I don tell you make you no dey rush me” He warned.

“Segun no mind am jor, continue to dey yan”

“oboy as the girl block me, nahim I com look see say she wear only b.ra”

“eheeeeeeeen!!”

“I first think say she just finish run inter house sports, because if you see as she dey sweat?!!”

“why na?”

“oboy I no know oh, but as i push her comot for road com enter oga office naso i see say Oga kpatakpata dey try to botton him shirt, na there I com know say the thing wey dem dey do pass inter house sport”

“dem dey do kerewa”

“Kel skirt zip dey down sef”

“ehen!!!! Nawa oh!!!”

“so our Oga dey browse for Kel Cyber café?” I saw Amos’s ears grew bigger.

“guy him dey chop her Kpomo oh, and you know the one wey funny?”

“wetin!!!!?”

“As them see me enter the office naso two of them begin dey explain wetin I no ask them”

“Oga first say:---- eeennh, the room is hot------ room wey no hot, room we AC dey on”

“Kel come dey begin dey tell me say she dey do exercise oh”


“hahahahahahah!” I and Amos laughed.

“Exercise on top her Oga, hahahahahahah!”



“but why oga go dey chaet on him wife na?”

“I no know oh”

“and him wife fine well well no be small”




Mr Wole’s wife was really a beauty to behold; best described as an elder sister to Genevieve Nnaji the actress. I will never forget the day I introduced her as my Girlfriend to my friend Bola.




I drove Mrs Akeju in her Toyota Camry 2.2 car one Saturday, and as we ran short of Fuel, we drove into one filling station somewhere in Festac. As I stepped out to tell the attendant my request, I saw someone stepped out of another car. He was my Friend Bola that I met while I was in Osun state serving.


“Flow how far na!!!”

“Bola the footballer!!! How far na!!!” We shook hands and hugged.

“guy you don turn big boy oh, na you get this car?” The car he drove was a Honda “karishi M’agana”.
In Hausa language, Karishi M’agana is not a type of food but a make of Honda car. It means “End of discussion”.


I was told Honda car manufacturing company ended all their discussions pertaining manufacturing of cars, so they threw away all their manufacturing equipment and named the last car they manufactured “End of discussion”. A discussion they later continued.





“na you get this end of discussion?”

“na me oh, na this one wey I just dey manage for now”

“guy you call this one manage?!!”

“na better motor na, e make sense well”

“you nko, na you get this one?” He pointed at the Toyota Camry 2.2 I parked.



Since I never wanted to “fall my hand” I answered: “eeeeeehn!! Na me get am oh, I just dey mange am oh”

“you be correct!!!!”

“what of that babe wey dey inside, na your babe abi?” He pointed at Mrs Akeju seated at the front seat. She always liked sitting by my side while i drove, i couldn't tell why.



Since I needed not to “fall my hand” also, I whispered; “eeeeeeeeeh!!!!!! Yes oh na my babe oh, I just dey manage her”

“which kin manage? guy the babe fine jor”

“naso I see am oh”






Before I could say Damaturu, Mrs Akeju came out of the car and Bola spilled the Beans.



“Flow you no go introduce me to your babe?”

“which babe?” I almost denied.



Before I could say another Danmaturu again, Bola stretched out his hand to shake my Boss’s wife.

“no be my babe oh!!!” I almost said.

“introduce me to him na!! am i not your babe?” Mrs Gladys smiled.






But again instead of “falling hands” I said: "why not? you are my lovely baby!!!!" My legs started shaking like I was a Jelly Fish.



“eeeeeeeeh!!!!! Gladys meet Bola my lost but found Friend since service year, Bola meet Gladys, she is my…………………………………….”

“.....girlfriend!!!” Mrs Gladys helped me answered.






As we drove home that evening, Mrs Gladys quoted from Genesis to Revelation of the Bible to me, and turned the car into a Pulpit.

seuncyber:
Keep the good work going
It will be nice if you can update 4 times a day

Good work flow keep it going

e no be as you think am oh. One sef na WAEC, i go try sha.

She de quote Bible for you while her Husband de do sermon on Kel.

[color=#770077][/color] Nice work flow. You always find a way of putting a smile on my face. I love ur originality nd creativity.

Flow on no yawa I no is not easy but try

Guys is time this makes front page

@ flow Baba,mehn you are just muah...!
No homo

;DTeam front page...ji si ike,eku ise,ke anam-o

Kemi was automatically the Head usher that Sunday since the head Usher was not present.


“Peter you will be standing at point 1 today” She said.


We had code names for every point of duty. Point 2 was Choir stand, whoever that was posted there was in charge of attending to the needs of the choristers. Why I never liked that point was because whoever stood there always had all eyes on him or her when the Choir starts ministering. But why I liked that point was because when posted there, the person posted had easy access to staring at the a’sses of the choir members. I will never forget……………………..



The day I was busy almost all through the Service staring at Mercy’s a’ss and fresh hot legs. My “Bros” stood, and that was the day I knew an erected Bros could cause havoc to a suit trousers. My Bros made a mighty eruption on my trousers that I saw my friend Solomon in the congregation laughing. If Solomon could notice it from such a distance, what about the Choir members I stood close to?





Point 3 had A and B. 3A stood in front of 3B directing worshipers to 3B, while 3B showed them where to seat. Why I hated being posted to Point 3B was because of Mrs Ezike the assistant Pastor's wife. She always sat at the seat near where point 3B was staring at either my Bros or my "Eze goes to school" shoes, or both. As for point 3A, that was Kemi's favorite; it was the point where she always positioned because she was in search of a husband, and husbands to be where so much in abundance seated there.


Then there is 4A and 4B, there is also 5A, 5B and 5C. Amongst all these points, my favorite was point 6.



Point 6 had no A and B; it was the point of entrance to the church auditorium. Whoever that was posted there served as the door boy that opened the door for worshipers and a Welcome officer that shook hands with worshipers and said: “you are welcome to service” with a smile.


How can I forget the day I was slapped by a chubby man just because I shook hands with his wife. Service was almost disrupted because of the dirty slap I received. A slap was not enough, he followed up with a blow to my stomach.

Since i was the only Handsome usher and because of my built, I was not banned from being posted to Point 6, rather I was posted the more to the point with a warning never to shake a woman.


Last but not the least is Point 1. Like point 6, it had no A and B. I dreaded it like a plague. It was the most crucial of them all; the person posted there stood in between the pulpit and the Minister’s seat. For someone to qualify to be posted there, he or she must be “sainter” than Saint Obi.


How can i forget the day I was flung by the power of the anointing and I found myself landing on the l’aps of the the Pastor’s wife.

My weight and hers was so heavy on the chair she sat on that it broke and we fell “yakata” to the floor. What made most of the congregation thought I intentionally chose to land on the Pastor’s wife or that I faked being under the power of the anointing was when they saw that my head was on the top of her b’reast. But only God knows I never faked it.


Since that day I told myself that instead of me to agree to be posted to Point 1, I had better go back home.




“Kemi I want to go home, I am not feeling fine, I can't work today” The hypochondriac part of Flow spoke

“ahaaaaan! Peter what is wrong with you?”

I thought of Malaria to be so mild an illness and I forgot there was an illness known as Typhoid, so I anwered: “Syphilis!!!!!!”

“Syphi what??” Blessing and Emmanuel exclamated.



As I realized the gravity of what I said I thought how best I could bend the word “syphilis”, so I said: “no oh! I mean syphilomus”

“Peter!!! Which one be Sypilomus again?” John asked.

“na disease na, una never hear am before?”

“we never hear and oh, abi na you be the scientist wey bring that one?” Blessing said.

“hahahahahahahahahahahah!!!!!” they all started laughing at me.

“na una know that one oh”



“hahahahahah!!” they continued laughing, except for Kemi who was busy packaging her tithe in her tithe card.


Kemi was a frequent tithe payer as myself, but one thing I liked not was the fact that she advertized it for everyone who cared to see she was paying her tithe, while when I paid mine I felt like just dropping it and fleeing because there were some set of people that could tell the content of one’s tithe card just by looking at it.







***I know your next question will be; so Flow you pay tithe too? Well, sorry to disappoint you, I do, even up till this moment I type, I still do. Some of your will ask further; How can Flow the Gambler, the drunk, the fornicator, the all what not be a paying tithe? My answer is short and simple; there are so many places people pay their tithe unknowingly, don’t you think it’s best you pay it to the one that gave you breath, the one that kept you sound, because, yes, we know we are all sinners, so running away from the one that cleans such sins is like two wrongs that will definitely not make a right. And don’t you ask me what the tithes are used for; I don’t care? Didn’t the Bible say: “...........that there should be meat in the House”?







“Enough!!!!!!” Kemi cut the laughter.




“since he said he is not feeling fine, what we need to do for him is to pray for him and not to laugh at him”

“abi oh!! Leave them make them dey laugh”

“ok let us pray as we are about to go start the duty for today that God should strengthen us” Kemi said.


“Emmanuel lead us in prayer” I thought my ears had failed me.




Emmanuel was the founding Father of an association known as Association of Stammerers Worldwide (ASW), not only that, he was also the Chairman of World Baptism Association (WBA ); I mean baptism of saliva of course.





A prayer that was suppose to take just 2minutes took about 10 minutes plus extra time. Not only that, Emma’s prayers baptized us all delivering me from the spirit of Syphilomus.







“Amen!!!” We all chorused.


“Emma you forgot to prayer for Peter that is not feeling fine”

“oooooooooo ok!! Let us praaaaaaaaaaaay! For brotheeeeeeeeeer Peeeeeeeeter” I thought he was reciting Togo’s national Anthem.











After Emma’s prayer of deliverance from the spirit of Syphilomus, I left for home to possible go take drugs to cure Syphilomus the fear of the anointing Power.

IHate9ja1:
@ flow Baba,mehn you are just muah...!
No homo

God bless, you be correct

Dx guy u too much joooohhrrrr.......more updated bro

Xp01:
Dx guy u too much joooohhrrrr.......more updated bro

You be correct jor
.

vera031:
[color=#770077][/color] Nice work flow. You always find a way of putting a smile on my face. I love ur originality nd creativity.

I Pmed you. check, and when we reach there we go know.

mehn!!!!! out of all updates so far, i like this last one most. Me wey right am laugh tayah as i read am.

waistaa:
;DTeam front page...ji si ike,eku ise,ke anam-o

Thanks man

flow, infact I don't know what to say than keep flowing

lol

1759

flow1759:
I Pmed you. check, and when we reach there we go know.

I checked but couldn't find anything.

Lol... Togo national anthem

i seconded seuncyber fp move...

Still flowing or so i thought

Chima how far, una cook?” I asked as I entered the house meeting Chima alone.

“e be like say food remain” He answered.

“which kin food una cook?”

“Potatoes and Beans, with plantain”


I hurried to the kitchen to get a plateful only to see that the food left was just a mouthful.


“Chima with kin wickedness be this, you tell me say food dey? Shey na food be this?”

“guy, na Chidi wack the food com remain that small thing”


“ehen, where Chidi go sef?” I was back to join Chima watching an American movie.

“him go market?”

Chidi was in charge of Chidinma’s elder brother’s Phone shop in Autoparts ASPAMDA little wonder he changed phone like he changed boxers.
I will never forget the day he called me to come threaten one of his customers to pay him the money he owed him; that I should come putting on a fully Army regalia.


“Captain Flow!!!! Can you send some boys to come and deal with this I’diot here?”

“which I’diot,?” like I was a captain; captain of a football team I suppose?

“the I’diot refused paying me my money since 5 months now”

“how much is the money?” I asked.

“captain, he is owing me 30,000 naira”

“ok, can you give me 1 hour lemme finish what I am doing, I will come and bangle the b’astard to the barracks” I wasn’t really busy, no i was busy; busy sleeping.

I went back to sleep but couldn’t find it.

“which kin wahala be this, how this guy want make I form wetin I no be?” I thought.

“I no wan enter wahala oh”

Power had narrated how he was almost killed by an Okada man the day he claimed he was a Soldier. He said he told one bike man he boarded his bike that he was not going to pay for the ride, that he was a "staff", little did he know that that bike man that carried him was a Soldier that was hustling so as to make more money. To make matters worse, the Soldier knew him well. To cut the already short story long, Power ended up parking all the sand in the cantonment major vehicular roads.



Mathematics question: If Power parked 7 trips of sand in 6 days, how many days will it take Flow to park the same number of trips, if both men worked at the same speed? (Answers should be in two decimal places)




“e be like say I no go go oh” I told myself.

But as I thought of the amount involved, I changed my mind owing to the fact that I was sure Chidi would grease my palm.





About 45 minutes later, I pocketed an Army camouflage cap and an Army belt in the both pockets of by Three quarter short. The problem on my mind at that moment was how to cross the cantonment gate without being searched. Sir White and co had started a new style of searching whoever that was leaving the cantonment, not everyone but those that dressed suspicious like i dressed that afternoon.



“Nothing dey happen, them no go search me” I told myself as I boarded a bus heading to the cantonment gate where I would met my Waterloo. Or so I thought.





“where you dey go?” It was Sir White.

“I dey go work?” I answered.

“which kin work you dey go wey you dress like this?” He questioned.

“normal work na”

“abeg wait make I search you, i suspect you” Like he had eyes that saw through one's pocket.



I saw my heart fell out of my mouth.


“I no carry anything na” He walked close to me as I saw in my mind’s eyes that he had already given me two hot whips with the Koboko he held. I also saw him sending me to the ground with a heavy punch.



“I know say you no carry anything, but make I just search you” I had seen myself breaking the record I had kept as the only one amongst my friends that had not been locked up in the guard room.






He was “this” close to searching me and discovering I had committed what was regarded an abomination in the cantonment, when I was suddenly saved by the bell.



“eeeeeeeeeaaaaaaa!!! Call him for me!!!” I heard.



“Madam dey call you!!!” I thought I heard “Mad man dey call you”



“Which mad man?” I asked


“madam dey call you, see her there”

Oga Flow, i gbadun ur write-up

I looked to see that the person calling me was Hajiya Farida.


“Hajiya Farida de call you, abi you no dey see well?”



I thought I had gone blind due to the shock of Sir White searching me.

I thought my legs had gone on vacation also.

“no make Hajiya make she dey wait for you na” Sir White tapped my shoulder.

“how I go make make she dey wait for me, I dey craze?” It was a though the tap on my shoulder brought back my sight.

I dared not keep Hajiya Farida waiting, the last person that did ended up in the cantonment guard room. Rather in that person’s case, he was waiting for her not keeping her waiting.


Niyi was an electrician that went to repair an electrical fault in the Hajiya Farida’s house, on getting there, Hajiya Farida invited him to her room where the electrical fault was. On getting there, she showed him where the fault was and entered the bathroom to take her bath. Niyi continued his work until Lieutenant Colonel Hamza came into his wife room and met him there. The moment Lt Colonel Hamza came into the room was the same moment Hajiya came out of the bathroom on Towel.

According to Niyi, Lt Colonel Hamza asked him; “what are you doing here?”

“I am am am am am waiting for Hajiya” he stammered.

“so that is why you were pepping at her as she was having her birth ba?” The Lieutenant Colonel lied.

Wayo alla!!!!!!" Hajiya screemed.

“no ooooooooooooooooh! I was just waiting for her to come and see if the light was working”





“My friend common run!!!!” Sir White commanded.

He commanded because her husband was the cantonment commandant at that time.


I ran like a cripple to where she parked her car waiting.



“good morning Hajiya” and it was afternoon.

“good afternoon Ugo” Yes that was what she knew me as, I had different name for different places; in the cantonment I am either known as Flow or Ugo, in my place of work, I was known as Peter or Mr Peter, in church I was either known as Peter or Bottle.
I got the name Bottle when I wanted to act Tuface Idibia and went bald. My friends in church crowned me king of the kingdom of bald men and gave me the name bottle not just because my head was as hairless as bottle, but because it looked as breakable a bottle. And to make matters worse, my Igbo name “Ugo” sounded like “Igo” in Yoruba; which means bottle.


“I like your haircut” It was the same legendary “bottle” hair cut.

“thank you ma”

“I just want to tell you I will not be around for our class tomorrow Saturday”

Hajiya was so much a fitness freak, and I was her instructor that rendered home fitness classes to her and her pot bellied husband; the commandant.


“we will not be around, I and my husband, we will be going out very early”

“ok ma”


“where are you headed?” I thought she said why is my head big.

“ASPAMDA ma” I answered.

“ok hop in lemme drop you, I am going that way”

As I hopped in, the cool feeling of the Ac made me wished where I was going to was faaaaaaaaaaaaar. But it was near.

“ok ma, bye bye” She dropped me at under bridge bus stop.

As I crossed the road, I then realized I had forgotten my phone on the car seat.

“how I go take call Chidi now?”

“And I no know him number for my head oh”

“wetin I go do na?” I thought as I walked into the market.




I remembered Chidi’s shop was in A2 building, so I hurriedly walked towards the building bringing out the Army cap and belt.

flow post update tomoro wld be my best valentine...?

And let the story continue

Nice write up

Army's cap nd belt go put for wahala

waistaa:
;DTeam front page...ji si ike,eku ise,ke anam-o

You are so ugly and disgusting with your short hands! Your entire being is just so repulsive. Pls kindly remove that dirty picture from your profile! God forbid!

“where him go na?” I asked Chidinma as I was able to locate Chidi’s Shop.


“he is in the man’s shop, they are fighting”

“what!!! Why are they fighting?”

“come and take me there”


I brought out my Belt and wore my cap while walking like a Boss. Hugo Boss.




As I got to the Man’s shop, I saw that the man in question was a characteristic of a well brought up Lagos tout; Tall, dark, and with so many scars.


“i go blow all your teeth comot oh” The man threatened to pull out all Chidi’s dentical structure.
That reminded me of the day the Ejima’s almost rendered me toothless way back in school.


We had finished writing our final paper in school and it was booze time. So we hit Nk’s bar to drink with some friends.



After drinking and everyone was high, it was time to pay.



“Flow na you go pay the remaining money oh”


“why?” I asked.

“because me and Chima don pay for the first bottle”

“I no hear you well oh” I heard him initially but I needed to hear louder.

“I say na you go pay for the remaining bottles wey we drink” He shouted.


There were five guys present at the Round Table of Drinking Brotherhood(RTDB) and we had drank 3 bottles each. So do the maths of how much the Ejimas wanted Flow to squeeze out.



“why una go pay for only one bottle and me I go pay for two?”




We had earlier agreed to do a Combine Payment Method (CPM) of which each person was to pay the exact amount the other two persons paid; not even a Kobo difference. I don't think there is any guy alive in Nigeria that isn't a CPM practitioner; or that have practiced it at one time in their lives.



“answer me na! why I go pay pass una two?”


“because we be Ejima” Chidi stood up to answer me.


At that moment P-Square’s “Peter and Paul, them be one no be two” lyrics played in my mind.


“so una be one and me I be two abi?”

“yes na, you no know?” One member of Free Drinkers Association(FDA) supported.

“you better shut up your mouth, e concern you? because you don see free drink drink abi?” I attacked.

“but na true na?” Another FDA member added.

“all of una dey craze oh, una think say I don drink and my brain no dey work again abi?” I raised my voice.

“Flow mind your mouth oh!! I say na you go pay that remaining money” I saw all what he said as words said under the influence of Alcohol.

“I say I no go pay!!” I thought yelling might make his eyes clear.

“you go pay”

“I no go pay”




Before I said Kuli Kuli he had pushed me and I almost fell.

“guy na me you push?” I asked a rather s’tupid question.

“and I go push you again” He pushed me again.

I attacked him with a blow to his left shoulder, and he gave an immediate response to my jaw.





“Flow na my brother you dey blow!” His Ejima attacked me with a heavy push that almost saw me flying out of planet Earth to maybe Jupiter or Saturn.



Both Ejimas where now after Flow to devour him.


One hot blow landed to my right jaw and as I tried to figure out if it came from Chima or Chidi, another landed to my left jaw that saw me spinning like a Big wheel.







It was just left……… right………….left …………….right……………….left…………….right that my jaw saw.















PS: Take note of the Acronyms

Happy Val all

flow1759:
Happy Val all

Acronyms noted under the influence of chilled 1759.

Funny story, really cool, more updates pls

“Amobi eeeeeh!! My p’rick don hang ohh!!!” I
cried.
“wetin hang you p’rick na, abeg swim dey
follow me jor!!!”
“you dey craze, I dey tell you say my p’rick
don hang, you dey tell me say make I dey
swim dey come, abi I go swim without my
p’rick?!!”
“oboy comot your p’rick for this water oh, this
Mami Water dem dey like boys wey get big
p’rick oh, and I know say you get big p’rick[s]“Amobi eeeeeh!! My p’rick don hang ohh!!!” I
cried.
“wetin hang you p’rick na, abeg swim dey
follow me jor!!!”
“you dey craze, I dey tell you say my p’rick
don hang, you dey tell me say make I dey
swim dey come, abi I go swim without my
p’rick?!!”
“oboy comot your p’rick for this water oh, this
Mami Water dem dey like boys wey get big
p’rick oh, and I know say you get big p’rick[/s]“Amobi eeeeeh!! My p’rick don hang ohh!!!” I
cried.
“wetin hang you p’rick na, abeg swim dey
follow me jor!!!”
“you dey craze, I dey tell you say my p’rick
don hang, you dey tell me say make I dey
swim dey come, abi I go swim without my
p’rick?!!”
“p’rick. comot your p’rick for this water oh, this
Mami Water dem dey like boys wey get big
p’rick oh, and I know say you get big p’rick. man God my food Don pour out of my belly o.