dingbang:
When u tell people to marry their best friends now.. They will not do it.. Nonsense

That she*t don't work. Your best friend could even turn against you.

SafeDavid:


That she*t don't work. Your best friend could even turn against you.

fallacy

[quote author=Kondomatic post=56086702]You're one of the people that give men bad name [/quote.....DAts y somtims asking for advice Goes rung wen u hve the likes of these type...mY brother I understand the situation u re having....mY advice iS FoR u to ask GoD For ForGiveness n den your wife....Den Try to InBibe those things u don't see in your Wife into her I believe this will readjust your love life with your Wife....and FoR the single once its lways gOod To mrry Your best frnD........

Op I'm sorry, you are stupid! A very stupid man and a coward at that! All because of a stupid lady that know you are married and decided to have a fling with you and later got her senses back, you want to leave your family for her? You are stupid and silly! Why did you go into marriage when you know you can't stay? How do you think your wife will feel if she gets to know why you suddenly changed? And your kids?, you want to make heir life miserable cuz of your selfish attitude? And you even have the mind to go see a counselor with half information?

But why are men like this? Don't even say you care for your wife cuz if you truly do, you won't think of the rubbish. I won't advice you not to go ahead with what is in your head but I massively pray that your wife will have the strength and courage to bear it. But I bet you, that miserable life you are looking for will visit you in hundred fold!

But I pray for you that God will remove that cloak the devil has put in your eyes to render you useless.

dingbang:
fallacy

I don hear...

Like you don't know the popular saying that there are no permanent friends but permanent interests.

In marriage, you both have common interest which is to build a family and raise healthy kids. Finding fulfillment and happiness while doing this is a plus unfortunately not everyone gets.

smada13:
Op I'm sorry, you are stupid! A very stupid man and a coward at that! All because of a stupid lady that know you are married and decided to have a fling with you and later got her senses back, you want to leave your family for her? You are stupid and silly! Why did you go into marriage when you know you can't stay? How do you think your wife will feel if she gets to know why you suddenly changed? And your kids?, you want to make heir life miserable cuz of your selfish attitude? And you even have the mind to go see a counselor with half information?

But why are men like this? Don't even say you care for your wife cuz if you truly do, you won't think of the rubbish. I won't advice you not to go ahead with what is in your head but I massively pray that your wife will have the strength and courage to bear it. But I bet you, that miserable life you are looking for will visit you in hundred fold!

But I pray for you that God will remove that cloak the devil has put in your eyes to render you useless.

Can't you make your opinion known without insults?

I want to say that this is not going to be the last girl you will fall in love with you will get attracted to as many as long as you live people Wed and take marriage vows because of situations like this and am happy you did not accused this woman of any wrongdoing other than your lust for extra marital affairs I want to believe that you are currently carried away by fantasy shape and sex styles my parents part away when i was small and the scars of what I went through still live with me now any lady who knows you are married and still going out with you is never ordinary you can only fool yourself let me tell you what will happen when you marry your lust
1)You begins your journey to a fragmented life
2) you enroll in the school of peace aborters
3)your children becomes orphans you will try your best buy you can't change the situation
4)you may end up marying another woman

Men find the flimsiest excuse to justify their cheating these days...15 years That's way too long to be with someone u claim u don't love

You can't care for your wife and still love another woman.you simply in lust thinking of what the other woman has that your wife does not posses which is where you are getting it wrong.get focussed man,work on your wife she can always be better and take your eyes off those things that the other woman has and see the beauty ur wife posses.no one is good enough but contentment makes the better.

Thank God for this topic and responses, it's almost applying to me as well but thank God for taking control. I was getting too close to one funny hijab sister like that at work who is very friendly etc and loves to come to greet me etc, and I m not even a Muslim for that matter but we got quite close, I just had to distance myself from her even though it's not easy .
Go and pray very well and all will be well with you.

ItzChinnex:
Seun, Please shift this to front page as this may save some shaking Marriage. Thanks.

I am 42, married for 15 years and have two wonderful kids (7 & 3). My wife and I had about 13-14 pretty good years before I began to realize that I wasn't really in love with her, and maybe never was. For a year a co-worker and I began a relationship.

I had always been attracted to her, and I acted on it. Until a month ago we had carried the relationship from some very exciting sex to a very strong emotional relationship. She finally said the words that we should not see each other socially anymore, at least until I decide what to do with my situation at home. I agreed.

My wife and I have been in counseling for about six months, and she doesn't know about my affair. Neither does the counselor, who recently told her she thought the marriage was over. I am deeply in love with the woman I have had an affair with, and told her so during our last encounter (after we decided to call it off).

She told me she loved me, also. Now my wife and I are so distant. I do not find her attractive in the least - and we have not had sex for months. When we did it took all I had to get through it.

My heart hurts badly for the woman I love. She is putting up a strong front and moving on. Even seeing other men. She said in a year, if we are both available, maybe we can try to build a real, honest relationship. My two kids, who are my world, are trapped in between. I don't know what to do. I love another women, but I still care for my wife - just don't love her anymore, and not sure I can again. I've made these mistakes, but I believe I am truly in love for the very first time in my life.

How do I keep hope that things will turn out all right?
Please drop your comments

Source: https://chinnex..com/2017/04/advicr-i-care-for-my-wife-but-love.html

Seun , Lalasticlala , Mynd44

Ur eye go soon clear. After 15yrs of marriage and two kids, now u realised u don't luv ha. U be mumu. Go for Christian counselling asap nd be delivered of spiritual wife for it has come to scatter ur marriage. Read rev chapters 17 and 18 and c it's works. Again, I think DAT oda woman has used something on u. I want to warn u again, go for Christian counselling now! If u put away ur wife or ever neglect ha, ur connection and finance will cripple. Mark ma word. Read again Matt 19 :4,5 and 6. Leave marriage counselors DAT has no holy spirit. Also detach from DAT oda girl nd c DAT u luv ur wife. Pls pls do it right away, u av nothing to lose.

Loving in marriage is not a 100m race.

Keep the side chick till the attraction wears off, but hold your family with a firm hand.

The street is littered with too many broken homes, don't add yours to the mix.

SafeDavid:


I don hear...

Like you don't know the popular saying that there are no permanent friends but permanent interests.

In marriage, you both have common interest which is to build a family and raise healthy kids. Finding fulfillment and happiness while doing this is a plus unfortunately not everyone gets.

dat saying applies to politics alone..

Mynd44:


When you fall in love with a person's personality and not their body, they can add a million pounds and you will still be a mumu for them.

Issa logic

True talk, but nowadays people fall in love for body, sex or money, get married and in the long run they find out that they have been chasing shadows.

This is what you get when kids go into marriage. Rubbish!

She gave you hot sex and you think you love her.

what nonsense Mtcheeew.

Out with the old in with the new...such is life..just don't be cruel..
Datsol folks

baby124:
New things always hold our attention till we get used to it and then it loses attraction. I am sure you are not the same sexy man your wife married, and vice versa. The new lady is amazing because she is new too, and you can't believe someone like her will find you attractive. Grow up ! She probably just likes the extra money you can offer. Don't be delusional and stick to your vows.

So on point bro.
With an exception to ur last sentence, u re hundred percent correct.(marriage is a life time affair so if its not working i recommend u try to make it work wish the OP is already doing by seeing a counsellor and if this fail, get out of the marriage ASAP, otherwise you would wind up living a miserable life until ur death)
I recommend you go read this book "the five love languages" it would help u learn about what constitute love to you and what constitute love to ur wife(there are actually five love languages and we all fall within one or two). If you know what triggers ur love and hers u wud at least know wat to do to revive the dead affection btw the two of you.
Lastly what u have with the other lady is what is called the "in love state" in this state ur hormones are dictating for you... Ur can't actually tell if its love or not because at the moment u psychologically see her as a mate so ur brain wud mak her seem to be d best thing in the whole world and ignore her flaws and differences btw u two, just to ensure you keep seeing(mating with) each other. Usually this fades within a year or two, but urs might last longer with the other lady because its done in secret wish makes it more intriguing and addictive.
Stop seeing the other lady, Go read that book, try to set ur marriage right, and if after all efforts you fail, then gt a DIVORCE; it's way beta dan ENDURING MARRIAGE.

mr Op this my own little advice to u..i need u to understand dat marriage is all about sacrifice, commitment and understanding..at dis point in ur life, uve gone a long way than backing down now..ave u considered what pple will tink of u?..wud u like it if every one sees u as one who is irresponsible..what d probability dat after taking do woman u claim u are inlove wit to ur home, u will not fall inlove wit anoda after geting tired of using her..because it is human dat u get tired of a tin after using it for a long time..at dis point in ur life, u dnt need to work wit feelings again in ur marriage..buh rather get commited to spouse and sacrifice d sexual pleasure to make ur marriage a dream come true for u both..it is high time u consider every decision ur gonna take and save ur marraige....U OLD FOOL..do u know why i called u so?..because a fool # 40 is a fool forever..i guess u one above 40..

MissCuppy:
She gave you hot sex and you think you love her.

Love is an illusion, we confuse attraction and interest for love

Hardeysolution:
Hummmmmm. ..42years?? ?? Ah! Pray Sir and don't cheat.. ..if you go to another lady, it's cheating.. ..if yo divorce her, it's wickedness, if you pray, you will be eased.. ....sir,do this!

Meanwhile, you don't care for her if you do, you'll love her.. ....please save your home!

Bolded part above is a very wrong assumption. Love is involuntary but caring for a person is a decision. A man might 'decide' to care for his wife and his kids because he's generally a caring person and/or cos he chose to do the right thing expected of a responsible person. But that doesnt automatically mean he loves her, love is a different ball game.

dingbang:
dat saying applies to politics alone..

Haven't you heard that we humans are political beings.

Op, you probably came here looking for justification to leave your wife. But marriage is sacred, no amount of 'liberal thinking' is going to change that. Please, mind the comments on this thread and do the right thing.

[quote author=baby124 post=56085566]New things always hold our attention till we get used to it and then it loses attraction. I am sure you are not the same sexy man your wife married, and vice versa. The new lady is amazing because she is new too, and you can't believe someone like her will find you attractive. Grow up ! She probably just likes the extra money you can offer. Don't be delusional and stick to your vows.

Thank you.

Words I can pick from OP story is distance and lust.

Speaking from distance corner, no matter how blissful your relationship/marriage is, when you and your partner don't spend quality time together like it was often done in the past due to distance, love fades and the temptation to cheat sets in when he/she fantasies on another person who gives them the necessary attention.

For the OP, since the new lady in question in still in her perfect shape but his wife is completely out of the figure 8 he once fall in love with, he feels such is love which is actually lust.

I would advise you to stick to your vows and make it up to the woman whom you have made such vows to before things get out of hand. Whether you are twisting the story to say u care but u don't love her is not our business. Stick to your wife sir.

five love languages written by who pls?

ItzChinnex:
Seun, Please shift this to front page as this may save some shaking Marriage. Thanks.

I am 42, married for 15 years and have two wonderful kids (7 & 3). My wife and I had about 13-14 pretty good years before I began to realize that I wasn't really in love with her, and maybe never was. For a year a co-worker and I began a relationship.

I had always been attracted to her, and I acted on it. Until a month ago we had carried the relationship from some very exciting sex to a very strong emotional relationship. She finally said the words that we should not see each other socially anymore, at least until I decide what to do with my situation at home. I agreed.

My wife and I have been in counseling for about six months, and she doesn't know about my affair. Neither does the counselor, who recently told her she thought the marriage was over. I am deeply in love with the woman I have had an affair with, and told her so during our last encounter (after we decided to call it off).

She told me she loved me, also. Now my wife and I are so distant. I do not find her attractive in the least - and we have not had sex for months. When we did it took all I had to get through it.

My heart hurts badly for the woman I love. She is putting up a strong front and moving on. Even seeing other men. She said in a year, if we are both available, maybe we can try to build a real, honest relationship. My two kids, who are my world, are trapped in between. I don't know what to do. I love another women, but I still care for my wife - just don't love her anymore, and not sure I can again. I've made these mistakes, but I believe I am truly in love for the very first time in my life.

How do I keep hope that things will turn out all right?
Please drop your comments

Source: https://chinnex..com/2017/04/advicr-i-care-for-my-wife-but-love.html

Seun , Lalasticlala , Mynd44

Love where there is no God is highly overrated best call it lust or infatuation.


Now did u start having issues with ur wife b4 this co worker came into the picture or after? Don't distroy i good thing for flimsy sex or sensual feelings u allowed developed for sm1. else. However if unknow uve tried ur best and ur marriage isn't working theres not much u can do bt never brake it up just cos of another person. Don't think it makes sense.

2dugged:
what the op is going through happens in every marriage, after kids, couples become distant and put all energy into taking care of the kids. This time of marriage can be so complicated and scary and if not handled well just like the op,can lead to a breakup of the marriage. I am sure if we are to ask the op about the last time he had sex with his wife, he probably won't remember.
op, let me describe your situation ; a child is given a present for Christmas, he is so excited to unwrap the gift, upon unwrapping, he finds out it is the toy the always eyed at the mall, he plays with it all year till the toy finally packs up, he tosses it aside waiting for the next gift.
you might think you have found a new love,new passion and spark, but I doubt you will feel same way once the new lady has a child for you and starts to give more attention to the child, you will feel lost over again, same place, same feeling.The is the perfect time to tell you that the grass is never greener on the other side, and for someone who grew up in a polygamous home, I can confidently tell you that no matter how good people are,there will always be that division and bad blood between the siblings. A word they say is enough for the wise, I believe I have said more than a word here

Wisdom!

"I have discovered that love doesn't guarantee the success of a relationship. Love cannot help you stick to one person all year round, and on the other hand, cheating isn't always a product of not loving your partner.

In fact, loving someone doesn't guarantee not falling in love with someone else. Relationships work out mostly because of our heads not our hearts.

It works out because of our emotional maturity, empathetic intelligence and self discipline; because, time will come when you'll see more beautiful, handsome, romantic, intelligent, sexy, rich, curvy and God fearing people than the one you're in a relationship with.

In those times, love will not help you. Self control will help you. Emotional intelligence will come to your rescue and commitment will keep you going.

With those characteristics, no matter how you feel for someone else, the person you're committed to will rank first in your life.

You think happily married people don't see better people than the ones they married? You think they don't feel funny sometimes? You think they don't catch feelings? They do!

But understanding that commitment is greater than feelings and is the great arsenal that do destroy those unhelpful impulses.

You can fall in love with anyone, but building a relationship takes absolutely more than what attracted you to them and takes more than love.

We are too fond of loving when it's convenient and sweet. We are too fond of loving when love is there; but that can only last for just the first 3 - 6 months of the relationship.

After then, you'll realise that the feelings have dropped and it's now your responsibility to make the relationship work, not love's responsibility.

Relationships cannot be readymade. You have to build it and it's never always about love, it requires commitment and intelligence.

On the long run in marriages, it's not just love that keeps them together forever, it's determination and commitment.

Everyone falls in love; it takes little or no effort to do that. But staying in love? Building a relationship? Only the strong and committed ones do that.

That's why we must find that one person and commit to that one, discipline yourself and bridle your emotions.

Building a relationship is hard work, it's like building a career, It's like pursuing a dream.

It's always tough. At some point it will be so bitter but you can make it work by putting your heads together. You can scale through the trying times by staying focused and committed.

The kind of love that attracts two people together is not the kind of love that will keep them together. Be emotionally strong and be self disciplined.

Please imbibe and share with the young adults, married and unmarried couples.

@ItzChinnex
What you're saying in essence is that, instead of reigniting your love for your and children, you have decided to choose another woman.

You are also saying that in about 7.5 to 15 years from now, you will choose another woman and realise that you have never known love as you will experience then.

Chief, LOVE is a CHOICE. We choose those who we love. It is not just a feeling. No. It is a CONSCIOUS CHOICE!!!!

Mynd44:
There is something people dont realize or understand about feelings before rushing into marriage.

Your wife/husband is not the last woman/man you will fall in love with

Your wife/husband is not the last woman/man you will find your self sexually attracted to

You might think leaving your wife for this woman is the best. Heck, you might even believe it but what happens in 7 years when you find yourself falling in love with another woman?
What happens when you find yourself sexually attractive to another woman?
What happens when you begin to feel a different connection with another woman? A connection so deep, it makes you rethink staying with this new woman?

What will you do? Marriage is not all about love and what you feel for your wife. A lot of times in a marriage, you will sit down and think to yourself why you chose to marry this person. Sometimes, you might even hate the person you married guess what, it is not totally abnormal.

Marriage like life has a lot of ups and downs, but do not because of the downs think you cant go up because the down just makes the journey up a lot more fun.

But then again, what do I know? I dont even have a girlfriend not to talk about marriage. I hope you make the right choice.

Sallam

The word of an elder