Eketem:
Please don't be frustrated with those accusing you of all sorts, a,child of 11 should be with her mother being a child, helping the mom with a business is best.

Those pre teenage and adolescent years are so tough a child should be with the parents grow and decide as an adult if they want to be a help. Your husband can pay fees while the child stays with her mother

OK thanks

JoannaSedley:
You must be out of your blood.y mind to single Igbo women out. Be careful

Don't mind the tribalistic bigot.

Meringe:

I think differently from what others here have posted. 11 years old girl can back a baby very comfortable and help with with little house chores.
If you are a good person and a positive person at that, you wouldn't be thinking this way but you seems very difficult. See, no matter how bad people are or unappreciative they might be, it can never stop a 'giver' from giving .
Take this girl in and train her like your own child and she will in turn train your child. Unless you have observed that the girl is not a good girl, then you can be justified.

Hmnn

ImaIma1:
Op i do not even agree with you sending money to the mum to start a business or whatever. She might end up depending so much on the business to care for the kids and still coming back to ask for school fees.

I say that because i know a woman with 3 sons and another one on the way, who started a business but is still not able to sustain it because she eats into more than the profit.

Please find out about the girl's school fees and make arrangements with your husband to pay the fees directly to the school to avoid the funds being diverted.

OK ma'am thanks.

Janelle08:
Op, follow your instinct. Don't let anyone push you into doing what you don't want to.

I have similar issue here. My marriage is barely a year old. Hubby's sister had a child out of wedlock. The family want to send their daughter away from her boyfriend.

Now hubby want to bring in the little boy ( 1year and 6month) to live with us.

I am really skeptical about In-laws and kind of misunderstanding it might bring in our marriage.

More especially this in-laws that keeps me out of family discussions and keeps unnecessary secret from me like I'm a stranger.
Besides, why will I have to suffer for someone else promiscuity?

The girl will go far away living freely. While I will turn nanny.

Exactly. You can imagine the rubbish...

Winter4:


In her house...with her parents. And thats the point here. Send her errands while she's with you, you become a slave master. Discipline her as you would your child, you become a witch. These things are way more complicated than we see.

She still dosnt understand the drill. If the girl is doing all of that in my house, they will say I'm maltreating her.

UjuJoan2:
Allow your husband to bring the girls, but also employ a nanny for your baby. That way no one will say you are a using her for your own gain.

Consider her charity and do the best you can for her. And God will bless you for it.

OK ma'am thanks.

LadySarah:


NNE,don't agree at all.Help her from far unless you want to start babysitting another child.

I still regret giving in to their pleas.Im virtually mothering another child when i needed respite.The child in question I have begged him to go but no he won't.To wash 6 plates alone takes up to 1 hr.he is 14 new and came at 12.

I still do everything by myself and still go to work with my 16mth old so while he is at home watching TV.
Anything we send a message that he is coming home,they will call meeting for us.

I soooo regret it

You can imagine. Please don't allow anyone steal your joy talk to your hubby about it and tell the boy to go back to his parents.

Clarathomp:


Dear Acidosis,

You judge us (women) too harshly. I think our life experiences tend to shape our thoughts, feelings and default reactions to things. For example I grew up in a family where my father's people (i.e. my mother's in-laws) were hardly ever helpful around the house. They were only good at taking, taking and taking never giving back anything good in return. They would visit empty handed and still look for what they could take away while some of their children were already living with us and being catered for by my dad. Both their parents being alive in our case too.

My mom's people on the other hand were the sweetest, they weren't so well to do but they would visit with the little they could afford like a bag of garri, oranges or whatever food stuff was in season at that time in the village. In addition to that, they would help around the house with chores and generally be so awesome that when it was time for them to leave, we felt bad.

Please stay with me because I'm going somewhere with this. My father's people were the sort of guests you wished wouldn't visit because of their selfish & entitled attitude. They were the sort of guests you tolerated and were eager for them to leave whereas my mother's people were the sort of guests you celebrated and didn't want to see them go anytime soon.

Growing up, I have seen my own family life & history, repeat itself and play out in most families/homes. One thing has become clear to me. A man's family/people tend to have little or no regard for his wife and his household even though they keep claiming brotherhood with him. A man's people also come in with this mentality & attitude, that this is my brother's house so the tendency to behave poorly triples.

A woman's family/people on the other hand, are mindful of the fact that even though this is my sister's house I need to be respectful of her spouse & household and they conduct themselves appropriately in a way and manner that a man's family wouldn't do. There are rare exceptions though where a woman's family/people can be the troublesome in-laws......but from personal experience the issues often come from a man's people.

Based on my own personal experience as a child and young adult (whilst growing up in my parents house) I mentally cringe and hesitate at the thought of having my man's people live with us in marriage. Mind you, I am still single and not even in a serious dating relationship, but the thought of that happening mentally stresses me out because of my childhood experience with my father's folks. Those people were like ticks (that insect that feeds on a dog, sucks the blood out of it and then falls off when it is full) This is a statement of fact and not a case of me bad mouthing my father's people. My mother didn't even try to pollute my mind against them, they did that all by themselves through their deeds.

That is why I began by saying you've judged us too harshly and people's life experiences tend to shape and inform their thought processes. Having a man's relatives live with his family, hardly ever goes well and I still don't understand why you men like to insist on this, even when some of you grew up in the sort of scenario I described above and know the cons of such an arrangement.

Goodevening ma'am please I hope you are not my sister on Nairaland? Your case is exactly the same thing I faced while growing up. My Dad is late now and could you believe that all his so called relatives abandoned us immediately he died? My dad was the bread winner who took care of all of them. They all came and go at will with that same self entitled mentality... Same scenario you pointed out. We all suffered when he died cos we were abandoned. Those people always disappear as soon as the man is no more. Thank God for his mercy I'm married now in a good home and my siblings too are doing well. I guess it is because of my Dads good deeds that is the reason God allowed me end well. I'm trying to avoid such scenario in NY home too. Silly in laws with self entitled mentality

TonyeBarcanista:
Jesus!

So Naija women are these wicked? I just saw display of witchcraft and evil towards in-laws. No wonder....

Meanwhile, @OP just thank your God that your husband is even seeking opinion from you. If I was the one I will simply inform you and bring the girl. My niece is also my child! You married into my family and must accept my family as yours.

As for her cheerleaders, may God not bring your kind to my way... Even if He does, I will tame that person!

I guess you are not married hence that your statement. Try doing that and see if you will have a happy home. How can you impose your niece on your wife just like that? Rubbish

Acidosis:


It's so funny how we judge people before we even get to know/meet them.

According to you, you and your hubby are still getting to know each other, so how come you've already known a far away in-law, a young and innocent kid you haven't even met and the possible outcome of your hubby's request?

This is one of the things I so much dislike about marriages. Most women these days just go into marriage with an already-made mindset about in-laws. These stereotypical mindset is passed down from their grandmom to their moms and now to them. There is no greater form of witchcraft than this nonsensical mindset.

Please, will you shut it.

TonyeBarcanista:
Jesus!

So Naija women are these wicked? I just saw display of witchcraft and evil towards in-laws. No wonder....

Meanwhile, @OP just thank your God that your husband is even seeking opinion from you. If I was the one I will simply inform you and bring the girl. My niece is also my child! You married into my family and must accept my family as yours.

As for her cheerleaders, may God not bring your kind to my way... Even if He does, I will tame that person!

May my sisters and I never meet you or any of your kind....may God keep us far from you and your kind...the kind who think women are animals to tame, the kind who never take counsel from their wives, the kind who think they are alphas and omegas and can do as they please.

Well, anyman who would support Saraki and his men (PDP) can never ever ever ever ever come our ways. And since birds of a feather flock together, I'm confident we cannot meet.

Please feel free to populate your house with nieces, nephews, first cousins, second cousins, third cousins etc....

ClassicQueen:
Goodevening ma'am please I hope you are not my sister on Nairaland? Your case is exactly the same thing I faced while growing up. My Dad is late now and could you believe that all his so called relatives abandoned us immediately he died? My dad was the bread winner who took care of all of them. They all came and go at will with that same self entitled mentality... Same scenario you pointed out. We all suffered when he died cos we were abandoned. Those people always disappear as soon as the man is no more. Thank God for his mercy I'm married now in a good home and my siblings too are doing well. I guess it is because of my Dads good deeds that is the reason God allowed me end well. I'm trying to avoid such scenario in NY home too. Silly in laws with self entitled mentality

Not all are like that... Please do not generalize.

ClassicQueen:
I guess you are not married hence that your statement. Try doing that and see if you will have a happy home. How can you impose your niece on your wife just like that? Rubbish

I stand by my word!

My niece is my child and my wife MUST srr her as hers as well. Any woman that has the kind of mentality towards my people is unfit to be my wife.

Winter4:


May my sisters and I never meet you or any of your kind....may God keep us far from you and your kind...the kind who think women are animals to tame, the kind who never take counsel from their wives, the kind who think they are alphas and omegas and can do as they please.

When a woman displays evil towards her in-law (my family) she loses every right to be called a woman and every privileges accorded to a wife.

Moreso, as the husband I call the shot (Fact not opinion) though my wife will be given chance to have say but I make final decision!

Well, anyman who would support Saraki and his men (PDP) can never ever ever ever ever come our ways. And since birds of a feather flock together, I'm confident we cannot meet.

Funny? Whatever

Please feel free to populate your house with nieces, nephews, first cousins, second cousins, third cousins etc....

Actually, this is a welcome development! My family owns me and I will render accommodative assistance whenever required.

BTW the prayer is mutual but I am prepared to tame in case of any display of witchcraft

Clarathomp:


Dear Acidosis,

You judge us (women) too harshly. I think our life experiences tend to shape our thoughts, feelings and default reactions to things. For example I grew up in a family where my father's people (i.e. my mother's in-laws) were hardly ever helpful around the house. They were only good at taking, taking and taking never giving back anything good in return. They would visit empty handed and still look for what they could take away while some of their children were already living with us and being catered for by my dad. Both their parents being alive in our case too.

My mom's people on the other hand were the sweetest, they weren't so well to do but they would visit with the little they could afford like a bag of garri, oranges or whatever food stuff was in season at that time in the village. In addition to that, they would help around the house with chores and generally be so awesome that when it was time for them to leave, we felt bad.

Please stay with me because I'm going somewhere with this. My father's people were the sort of guests you wished wouldn't visit because of their selfish & entitled attitude. They were the sort of guests you tolerated and were eager for them to leave whereas my mother's people were the sort of guests you celebrated and didn't want to see them go anytime soon.

Growing up, I have seen my own family life & history, repeat itself and play out in most families/homes. One thing has become clear to me. A man's family/people tend to have little or no regard for his wife and his household even though they keep claiming brotherhood with him. A man's people also come in with this mentality & attitude, that this is my brother's house so the tendency to behave poorly triples.

A woman's family/people on the other hand, are mindful of the fact that even though this is my sister's house I need to be respectful of her spouse & household and they conduct themselves appropriately in a way and manner that a man's family wouldn't do. There are rare exceptions though where a woman's family/people can be the troublesome in-laws......but from personal experience the issues often come from a man's people.

Based on my own personal experience as a child and young adult (whilst growing up in my parents house) I mentally cringe and hesitate at the thought of having my man's people live with us in marriage. Mind you, I am still single and not even in a serious dating relationship, but the thought of that happening mentally stresses me out because of my childhood experience with my father's folks. Those people were like ticks (that insect that feeds on a dog, sucks the blood out of it and then falls off when it is full) This is a statement of fact and not a case of me bad mouthing my father's people. My mother didn't even try to pollute my mind against them, they did that all by themselves through their deeds.

That is why I began by saying you've judged us too harshly and people's life experiences tend to shape and inform their thought processes. Having a man's relatives live with his family, hardly ever goes well and I still don't understand why you men like to insist on this, even when some of you grew up in the sort of scenario I described above and know the cons of such an arrangement.

Quickly, three things I like about your post;

1. Very succinct and detail
2. The fact that your first post on Nairaland was addressed to my comment. Your alternate handle, right?
3. You ensured your viewpoints are based on your personal experiences.

Well, it might interest you to know that point 3 also raises a lot of problems. The above are your personal experiences, implying that they are not enough to shape your viewpoints about a union you haven't even started. This is the problem I raised in my post. You don't go about making opinions about some in-laws based on the experiences you have in your home. Marriage with you, for example, is going to cause a lot of problems unless some mindsets change. Through your direct and indirect experiences, you have been made to believe my people are terribly bad even while you're yet to know them. This chain has created more problems than you can imagine.

ImaIma1:


Marriage is less complicated when relatives and inlaws keep their distance. They can visit and spend a few days but not to come live with you. Any little thing can become an insult especially with some inlaws(whether the man's inlaws or the woman's inlaws)

And in the home, it is the woman that usually feels the brunt of such decisions for someone to come and stay in the house.

It is better to have a neutral person come stay and act as a care giver or help. Someone you can easily ask to leave when they mess up without a family meeting being called on your head.

It is wise not to start what you cannot finish.

It doesn't take a fulltime stay to scatter a marriage. Any in-law that wants to scatter your marriage can do so with a single phone call from the village.

By the way, we are talking about an 11 year old girl here, she's a child and she won't be in your house forever. I don't know about you, but family (some friends have become families) comes first before strangers. Do you think a stranger would want to live with you if you don't have the cash and resources?

Acidosis:


It doesn't take a fulltime stay to scatter a marriage. Any in-law that wants to scatter your marriage can do so with a single phone call from the village.

By the way, we are talking about an 11 year old girl here, she's a child and she won't be in your house forever. I don't know about you, but family (some friends have become families) comes first before strangers. Do you think a stranger would want to live with you if you don't have the cash and resources?

Believe me it is more advisable to have someone you pay help out.

An 11yr old is still a child and needs attention and care. The Op needs to prepare to add that responsibility. And it is a choice. She has a right to refuse. The child's parents should handle their responsibility and stop trying to burden another family and causing trouble.

Some nairalanders are always judgemental... Why will a newly married couple have a househelp in the first place? She gave a hint that they are still getting to know each other as a couple,beside what will an eleven years old girl do for her? Abeg, op,let her stay with her mother

Winter4:



Not all are like that... Please do not generalize.

I was referring to the write up above of course not all In-laws are like that. Some are actually nice

ImaIma1:


Believe me it is more advisable to have someone you pay help out.

An 11yr old is still a child and needs attention and care. The Op needs to prepare to add that responsibility. And it is a choice. She has a right to refuse. The child's parents should handle their responsibility and stop trying to burden another family and causing trouble

An 11 year old child won't cause any trouble, but then you're right on the fact that she has a right to say no. However, the man has the right to do whatsoever he wants with/for his brother & nieces, wherever he wants.

Acidosis:


An 11 year old child won't cause any trouble, but then you're right on the fact that she has a right to say no. However, the man has the right to do whatsoever he wants with/for his brother & nieces, wherever he wants.

It is already causing a clash apparently.

And you are wrong about the man having the right to do anything he wants. The wife has to agree because she will be the one to take care of the girl except the man wants to take the girl to work with him.

My husband will not bring in anyone if i say No.

TonyeBarcanista:


I stand by my word!

My niece is my child and my wife MUST srr her as hers as well. Any woman that has the kind of mentality towards my people is unfit to be my wife.

Will her nieces and nephews be like your sons and daughters too?

ImaIma1:


It is already causing a clash apparently.

And you are wrong about the man having the right to do anything he wants. The wife has to agree because she will be the one to take care of the girl except the man wants to take the girl to work with him.

My husband will not bring in anyone if i say No.

A wife don't have to agree for a man to do whatever he wants for his blood (brothers, sisters, dad and mom), wherever and whenever he wants. She's going to get a prior notice, room for deliberations, but the final decision rests in his hands. That's a basic and a final principle.

It is the responsibility of the woman to prove her points well enough to convince the man.. are you gonna tell him his people are wicked and out there to haunt him down? Would the flimsy excuses on this thread pass the test?

A lot of people are still living in the stone age. Mtcheww.

cococandy:


Will her nieces and nephews be like your sons and daughters too?

Why not? But as the HEAD of the house she need my express approval to bring anyone in (I have no problem though) but in my case I only need to inform her.

My family owns me and all about me.

The truth is they are never grateful. If you like give them all your life, they will still stab you from the back at every given opportunity.

A nephew came in right from age four, the woman took care of 70% of the home expenses because she earned better than the husband, the woman still made it seem like her hubby was the one taking care of the home. She took responsibility for the child and no one could tell the difference between the kids, she also had her own direct niece with her. She sponsored them up till higher institution until her own niece got married. The husband's nephew still got a job through her, once the boy started working and realized he is no longer dependent on her, he started causing trouble, he said he never liked the woman but only pretended so he would achieve something from her, he instigated in-laws against her. His parents are alive but never for once did they call the woman to say "thank you for helping us train our child", rather, they made her their enemy. That was an innocent four-year-old boy whom the woman took in innocently and trained like her own.
Now, how would the woman's daughter feel doing the same for her husband's relative or even her relative?

Only a few people appreciate and when you complain about their ingratitude, they would say " are you expecting a thank you? why don't you do it for God, when we all know that even your own child that is most entitled would still say "thank you" whenever you show care to them.


Op, do whatever comes to your mind, do not be pressured to take in the child and you do not even need any nanny,house chores do not kill, get a good daycare and put your baby there, do your normal job, return home and take care of your home, treat your husband right and don't disrespect him,do not have any resentment towards his relatives,treat them like yours anytime they visit,but to live with you throughout teenage years to adulthood? Hmmm.

Acidosis:


A wife don't have to agree for a man to do whatever he wants for his blood (brothers, sisters, dad and mom), wherever and whenever he wants. She's going to get a prior notice, room for deliberations, but the final decision rests in his hands. That's a basic and a final principle.

It is the responsibility of the woman to prove her points well enough to convince the man.. are you gonna tell him his people are wicked and out there to haunt him down? Would the flimsy excuses on this thread pass the test?

Marriage is about agreement between the couple. And especially if it involves someone coming to stay with us, i have to agree. The person cannot be imposed on me. I have my own responsibilities and problems and i am not pushing it to anyone.

If that kind of decision is imposed on me, that girl will not stay up to a month in the house. He will send her back himself and it won't be because of maltreatment.

TonyeBarcanista:

Why not? But as the HEAD of the house she need my express approval to bring anyone in (I have no problem though) but in my case I only need to inform her.

My family owns me and all about me.

When you get married you will realize that being the head of the house does not make you a dictator or the sole decision maker. Don't be deceived.

ImaIma1:


When you get married you will realize that being the head of the house does not make you a dictator or the sole decision maker. Don't be deceived.

I call the shot in MY home because I am the BOSS and HEAD.

She has to and must be loyal/submissive to my authority if she really want to be married.

When it comes to my family (parents, siblings, niece etc) NOBODY can prevent them from accessing my home and living as long as they desire

I personally won't take an eleven year old child whether my niece or my husband's niece. It isn't even easy for me to raise my own child talk less of raising another person's child.

My marriage is more than half of a decade and I must tell you I had inlaws living with me from the third month. As one is going another is coming. All these didn't help my marriage at all. It has breed bad blood and a whole lot of things had gone down. I must say I haven't recovered from all the troubles.

Some of the inlaws have entitlement mentality and tends to misbehave. The wahala is that you have to thread with caution, unless you have a sensible man that knows how to put them in their place. Most times the men are incapacitated because they can't stand to hurt their family thereby putting you in the front line to take all the bullets.

You will be surprise that an 11 year old has been indoctrinated. My sister I have seen things and it isn't good to air all your dirty linen in a public forum.

Love them from afar if you could. My candid opinion. Inlaws can make or mar marriage. Mine is still standing today cos I bring in a neutral person to handle my home n my child so I don't need to depend on them. The only thing I owe you is to feed you. If I love you I will send you on errand, if you try to show yourself i just put you in your place. One rule is that you must tidy up after you. My help isn't to serve you.

TonyeBarcanista:

Why not? But as the HEAD of the house she need my express approval to bring anyone in (I have no problem though) but in my case I only need to inform her.

My family owns me and all about me.

Yea exactly

Why not marry your family?

The funny thing is that you just called a bunch of women witches for validating OP’s concern but you don’t consider yourself a wizard for thinking you don’t need her permission to bring anyone from your family while she needs your express permission to do so.

Did you not just make our points? Your family will come with the same entitled attitude that you emanate and expect your wife to endure whatever trash they bring along with them.

Sorry for the unlucky ones that end up with folks like you.

Read the comments of you hypocrites on this thread. A woman is bad if she does the same thing you do. But it’s okay if you do it.
I won’t be surprised that you can go and eat a full meal now without choking in your hypocrisy.