₦airaland Forum

You failed to do your homework well, you just wanted to be married. You forgave lying first, that Canada stuff was a big red flag, you forgave no visitation and abuse, you forgave cheating, then you got a job and gave it up because you were missing your kids. Now he has abandon you and the kids, you are a graduate, your kind of reasoning is horrible. You are suppose to know that children less than 18 will definitely be with there mom according to our law, all you needed was a good lawyer and that job you missed. He knows you are the materialistic type, no wonder he promised you UK vacation without the kids just to mess you up. Madam wake up, once beaten twice shy, marriage is for adults who are ready to take responsibilities. What you have is not marriage, you were living in fantasy. I pity your parents for the trauma they might be going through because of your foolish decisions. Everything about this guy smells of scam, yet you couldn't see it. Better be serious with your sewing business while you continue to look out for better alternative. The fault is all yours.

Esthered:
Not fluently

Ohkay

Mrsabuh1:
he is also a nairalander ,if only he can see this post and tell me my offence , im not saying I'm a perfect being but I know for sure that I have not offended him in any ways, as a matter of fact he was the one that had offended , for three years I was in Nigeria ,hubby was cohabiting with another woman untill he they had issues and he beat her up, she lost two tooth and got into a problem.with UAE police , the ugly lady contacted me and she seems to know so much about me , things I shared with my hubby she is aware of everything in my home ,this was part of the reason why we had some crisis in June and also part where I got a job in abj added to it ..I forgave him and moved on .
I couldn't ve seized his passport,he told me he was making plans for us to go on a short vacation to UK to make it up to me for the pain he caused me , when the visa came out he said he needed to return to UAe to finish up so business so he can be free to travel and then boom., he went to UK just like that and right now he isnt communicating wit his family ..
ok let's assume I did something wrong , what about his children , didnt he consider them at all, what offence did the committed against him for him to turn his back on them like this

From your narrative it's obvious you have been used and lied to right from the inception of your relationship. I won't question why and how you didn't know or if due diligence was taken. What's important is the way forward for you and your children.

For years you have given someone else the reigns of your life, in making decisions that may not necessary have your best interest at core nor carrying you along in this process. NOW IS THE TIME TO TAKE ALL THAT CONTROL BACK.

It'd be steep and rough, especially now saddled with 3 children, but it's not impossible and you sound like a smart and switched on person anyway. Get a job, means of income and have a VISION plus a strategy on how you want to achieve this.

Pls don't go finding him or calling him, peradventure he makes a reappearance, pls allow him (just for the sake of the kids) but ONLY ON YOUR TERMS. spell it out and let him know very clearly ACTIONS lead to CONSEQUENCES
with limited CHANCES. he flukes, it's STRIKE OUT. Just as with disciplining your kids, follow through on laid out rules. He sounds flaky and will test your waters several times, pls don't let him derail the NEW YOU.

I walked similar path, hubby wasn't even half as bad. Early years of my marriage i allowed hubby reigns of affairs from the african patriarchy POV, and playing the good wife. He's messy, a bit of a no planner and last minute.com. there were tough and expensive lessons learnt and to imagine these were things i managed just well before him.

I use the illustration, you're in a car being driving erratically by a driver, you all are going no where fast. You know it's only a matter of time, the ride was destined for doom, however you're a competent driver yourself, what do you do?

1) ask driver to park
2) you get down so you can live to see another day
3) you negotiate that the only way you're getting back into the car is if you're in the driver's seat, as you're assured you can do a better job of getting you all to your destination.

The choices were clear n non negotiable, hubby had no choice but to come on board as this girl was sure fixed and adamant. Now depending on who's area of strength the task is, the better person is driving and the other reading the map, but together we're in it. This is our approach now and it works well, we're 12 years and counting. 5years was the turning point when i filed for a divorce.

Lalakas:
Go get a job esle I see it only getting worst. You were not adding financial value, plus he is a liar and sorry tou may not have known him really for that 7 years.

How did he get a job in the UK with a 6 months visiting visa? You don't sound intelligent, so you believed him?

My advise, look for a job fast, get busy and stop chasing shadows, you even wanted to study in Canada on him? But you said his business wasn't booming. Hmmm, girls/women easily get scammed when they fail to build themselves but wait for made men to feed and meet their needs.

If you don't get a value, this man will never value you .

God bless you for this! Same thing queenfav was saying. Marriage doesn't mean you won't have sense or aspire to be better. That man she married has moved on, she had better do same.

Mrsabuh1:
thank you for your response , I met him while at school while he was graduating and I was entering the university, he helped out with my registration process and I just grew fond of him, he didnt ask me out at that time untill we met again on fb when I was in 300l , I discovered he was out of the country but he told me he was in Canada, we did lots of video calls through Skype and yahoo messenger and that was how the relationship started ,when I was preparing for my final year exam he visited the country and proposed ,after my exam and project defence his people came for my introduction on his behalf , I was meant to visit him after the introduction and also get some things for the wedding as plans are setting in place ,he called to informed me that his company had transferred him from Canada to their branch in Dubai ,he works in a shipping company even till date my mom still attach Canada to his name as a saved contact, when I went to UAE I went through his passport and didnt see any Canadian stamp and it was later I discovered that he had never been to Canada before but I forgave him for lying to me ... the first child was conceived during my nysc ,I already made arrangement for that but he said I need to go home and have the baby since its my first and also by the time in giving birth it ll b same period when I will ve to attend my passing out parade ,
second child was conceived when my first was 7months old and that period he lost his job so he was taking out the frustration on me , I was always visiting the hospital due to one complication or the other I suffered after he hit me for allowing a church member to visit me , he had made it plain that he doesnt accommodate friends ,when I reported to my parents my father told him to come home so I can b taken care off .
third pregnancy was during buhari regime when ban was imposed on some imported goods ,he was already into cargo and logisitics so business that year was bad I saw it and understood with him.after the third child he went and canceled our visa without informing me
the major problem was the issue of job ,I got one in abj and he said I'm not going to take his kids anywhere,my parents weren't having it and during the meetings with my parents he asked me to stay behind and not follow him back home because my father I shld take the job and leave the marriage ,after a while I gave up the job because I was missing my children ,I wasn't allow to take them and even my parents said I shldnt bring his children to their house let him be responsible for them ..it was after we settled that he opened a tailoring shop for me and then the issue of UK came in ..

Father lawd, I can't deal abeg.....

Mrsabuh1:
he is also a nairalander ,if only he can see this post and tell me my offence , im not saying I'm a perfect being but I know for sure that I have not offended him in any ways, as a matter of fact he was the one that had offended , for three years I was in Nigeria ,hubby was cohabiting with another woman untill he they had issues and he beat her up, she lost two tooth and got into a problem.with UAE police , the ugly lady contacted me and she seems to know so much about me , things I shared with my hubby she is aware of everything in my home ,this was part of the reason why we had some crisis in June and also part where I got a job in abj added to it ..I forgave him and moved on .
I couldn't ve seized his passport,he told me he was making plans for us to go on a short vacation to UK to make it up to me for the pain he caused me , when the visa came out he said he needed to return to UAe to finish up so business so he can be free to travel and then boom., he went to UK just like that and right now he isnt communicating wit his family ..
ok let's assume I did something wrong , what about his children , didnt he consider them at all, what offence did the committed against him for him to turn his back on them like this

He's a nairalander I triple can't deal, well we have sane men here but still

Mrsabuh1:
he is also a nairalander ,if only he can see this post and tell me my offence , im not saying I'm a perfect being but I know for sure that I have not offended him in any ways, as a matter of fact he was the one that had offended , for three years I was in Nigeria ,hubby was cohabiting with another woman untill he they had issues and he beat her up, she lost two tooth and got into a problem.with UAE police , the ugly lady contacted me and she seems to know so much about me , things I shared with my hubby she is aware of everything in my home ,this was part of the reason why we had some crisis in June and also part where I got a job in abj added to it ..I forgave him and moved on .
I couldn't ve seized his passport,he told me he was making plans for us to go on a short vacation to UK to make it up to me for the pain he caused me , when the visa came out he said he needed to return to UAe to finish up so business so he can be free to travel and then boom., he went to UK just like that and right now he isnt communicating wit his family ..
ok let's assume I did something wrong , what about his children , didnt he consider them at all, what offence did the committed against him for him to turn his back on them like this

Madam, forget this irritatingly promiscuous insane man, he has hit you before, he lived with a woman and beat her to the extent of breaking her teeth, precious teeth that beautifies appearance, and you want to still live with this man, den swear for you? If he doesn't want to see and communicate with his kids, let him be, when he doesn't hear from you for years he will come looking for you and his kids, and you too, work out a way to get to Canada and forget he exists same way.

Where are all those supporting the man and saying rubbish, come and see this her write up.....

Nigerian women be like:

"I discovered he lied about his destination during my first pregnancy. I visited the hospital during my second pregnancy because he was beating me from frustration. He stopped me from getting job. He has another woman who knows everything about my marriage. He has always frustrated all my self-development plans. Am I being scammed? No insults"

Sensible responder:

Aunty watch war room, erect an altar and do 40 days dry fasting with midnight prayers since your destiny is tied to the marriage. Awon I must be Mrs by fire by force.



*Next thread jare*

Scary. What's wrong with some men and stop their women from being financially independent? @op what are his family saying? Perhaps you should free him for now and concentrate on your kids. I just know d idiat will crawl out of his hole once things turns out better for u.

I can't believe some people are siding with the man. What kinda husband is that? Well I blame d Op for not having a mind of her own and letting d man push her anyhow like one toddler.

thorpido:
Indeed your hubby is scamming you.He's into something he's not open about.I'll hate to think he has another woman.

What you can do now is get and improve your finances.Work on the fashion design job and also look out for a permanent job.

How men can abandoned their wife and kids for another woman baffles me?

They act like 5 year olds.

It is even better to divorce the wife first if the marriage is tiring than to just run away.

Shows that not everyone going into marriage did it out of love. Many marry for selfish reasons and later dump their responsibility on the other person.

Officialgarri:
Mrs Abu, your issue is not one that conclusions could be made hastily.
Infact many wives would have set all hell loose.
I personally would have advised that you should have retailiated by seizing his international passport, or just cause some kind of havoc that will hold him back in Nigeria .... or restrict his freedom

But while I acknowledge and appreciate your tolerance according ''to your own side of the story", it would be easier if we could hear your husband's side of the story.

I mean, there are things you could be doing that's making your hubby abhor and avoid you.

How's your attitude like around him?
Does he complain about you being stubborn?
What exactly has he tried to stop you from doing but you wouldn't listen?

I like your summations...but the husband should have been straight with her rather than scam her to return to Nigeria

Your husband is on a run
I suspect he has done some shady deals and they looking for him
Probably the reason why he sent his family home in order not to involve you and the kids in his misfortune

MrBrownJay1:
miss, you have to face reality, this man is "single" and have forgotten about you. it is so obvious that he doesnt see any future with you, and the divorce was just a piece of what he was thinking. he will only use you and use you until he has no need for you. you better face reality.

if he cant even be fully honest with you, how can you trust such man? consider yourself single and live your life because i am 100% sure that man is living in the UK as a single man, not caring one bit about you guys.

there comes a time when you have to stop trying to cross oceans for people who wouldnt even jump over gutter for you

Some people want a wife and kids but don't want the responsibility that comes with it.


It's just sad.

That's why it is always good to give eyes to any blind love. Look very well before you leap. Click on the second link on my signature to know how you will buy very cheap plots of land at Ibeju-Lekki.

ProtectMyMoney:
I like your summations...but the husband should have been straight with her rather than scam her to return to Nigeria

He's simply a fraudster.

generationz:
Some people want a wife and kids but don't want the responsibility that comes with it.


It's just sad.

But y kill her dreams? This Op should b in Canada now doing something good with her life but the evil man stopped her.

you might be getting karma in return, karma is a no friend of any man



who knows the loyal man you defeated emotionally to settle with a part time husband and emotional exploitation agent


just plan for yourself and your kids and forget about him in your plan, even if you travel with him to UK he won't allow you to make it


I once had a street friend that said if his wife income, is equal or more than his own, he's going to pull her down till she is below him, I distance myself from him immediately.


some guys are beast and they never valued the female gender. misogynist get married too

Mrsabuh1:
Please I seek advice from experts here as I'm lost and devastated over this issue, please bear with me as my story is a little bit long.

This is the 7th year of my marriage and the union is blessed with three kids, hubby and I stayed in UAE, but whenever I'm pregnant I come down to have my kids due to cost and also I ll be needing helping hands after delivery, it happened that when I came down to have my last child 3years ago as usual, I was preparing to return to UAE , I discovered that my Husband had canceled the resident visa for myself and our two kids, when I confronted him he said he is making plans to leave UAE and there was no point for us coming back and also business isn't moving as usual so taking care of us will cause a strain on his finances. At first I felt bad and cried about it but later I accepted my fate and moved on.

First plan was for me to apply for Canada study visa, the plan was to go with my last child and after sometimes hubby and my other kids can join me later, I got admitted into a Canadian college but when the time for visa processing hubby pulled out that we should go the express entry way, I accepted and started with registering for ielts tutorials which I did for 5 weeks, and to God b the glory I aced my exam. It was left for him to write his as he ll be standing as the primary applicant since he has lots of job experience but along the line he pulled out again and said everyone is going to Canada and he ll work out something different.

Last year he applied for US visa he was denied, he applied for Germany too, still denied. While he was doing all this I was alone in Nigeria with the kids while he stays in UAE but visits every 5 months. This year June, we had some issues that would ve resulted to divorce but we settled it with the help of some elders so he said he was going to make up for his mistake by applying for UK for both of us so we can just take a vacation to London, of course I was excited and looking up for the trip.

He applied for UK visa for both of us and lucky they granted us 6 months, I was already getting set and looking forward to the trip when he said he needed to rush down to UAE as he has some unfinished business, two days after he left I saw him updated his fb and the location was showing UK, he left without me and he didn't even inform me that he ll b going until he got there. When I confronted him he came up with the excuse that he needed to meet with some companies over investment so that way he can process resident permits for everyone at home so we all come over there at once, two days later he told me he got a job.

it's been 2 months over there already, we filed our stay for 10 days when applying for the visa and I know what he has done is messing his future chances up, now he doesn't do video call, won't pick my calls when I call at my own time, from 7pm he isn't active as no way I can reach him, before now the only time he put a call across is when he is in a bus .. I confronted him over all this and guess what,he has stopped talking to me, Wont reply my chats or even talk to me yet he reads them, our sons bday was 4 days ago and he couldn't even call to speak with him or wish him happy birthday.

I'm so confused, this is the man that I have lost lot of jobs opportunity for simply because he doesnt want me to work, I learnt fashion designing so it won't be like I'm staying at home doing nothing, I run a fashion store but trust me I'm not feeling it because its not what I'm meant to do ..

In two months time I will b 30 and you know how Nigerian systems works, the older you get, the lesser chances of getting a job I dont even know what to do with myself, please advise me what to do?

I'd also like those who ve an idea of how the system in UK works to tell me how long it takes for one to b granted residential permits in the UK so I ll know when all this will end or if it ll ever end so I can make my next move
also how possible it is for one to land UK and in two days he is already working .

I feel used, I feel like hubby used me to secure a visa and I was never in his plans..I reported the issues to our family already and he Told them all he did was for the future of myself and the kids and I shld endure but I do not know for how long..,I'm tired of this distsnce marriage ,its been 3years in distance marriage and its been hell for me.

MOD please help me post this

Be a proud Nigeria and stay in Nigeria ...he played you period ! You are like a single mum

thorpido:
Indeed your hubby is scamming you.He's into something he's not open. I'll hate to think he has another woman.

What you can do now is get and improve your finances.Work on the fashion design job and also look out for a permanent job.

At the emboldened, it is most likely. The man is too shady.

Thank you. Well said.

LordKO:
Citing the OP's submission, the man's behavior is bad - shame on him if he has unjustifiably acted in such manner - he can do better, no matter the circumstances. However, your tactical support for cynicism and contentiousness among couples is rather repulsive; you'll be doing more harm than good to your clients in particular and the marriage institution in general, if you continue with this kind of mentality. It's unethical for a couple to unjustifiably mete out distrust and rebelliousness towards another - two conscientious people in pursuit of a common goal shouldn't be caught doing such against one another. Cynicism in particular is the unpronounced major cause of disunity among couples.

As a divorce attorney, a conscientious one I have to believe, your first duty is to master the act of differentiating altruistic couples from egoistic ones and avoid giving the former advice meant for the latter. You (a divorce attorney) can't have a successful career if you fail in this regard.

Resourcefulness is refreshing and engaging, however, it always becomes a toxic if the aim behind the grit is to cushion cynicism in particular and subjugation is general.

You can do better, believe you me.

don't lie to me..... he caught you with the gateman

AwkaetitiBabe:
But y kill her dreams? This Op should b in Canada now doing something good with her life but the evil man stopped her.

My dear just pray you don't come into contact with selfish and wicked people.

They don't want to help you and don't want you to move forward at the same time.

The man must be a demon if he has other plans besides his family.

[s]

Sweeetheart:
you might be getting karma in return, return is a no friend of a man



who knows the loyal man you defeated emotionally to settle with a part time husband and emotional exploitation agent


just plan for yourself and your kids and forget about him in your plan, even if you travel with him to UK he won't allow you to make it

[/s]
Some of you just come online to spew like you are cursed.

[s]

thorpido:
Indeed your hubby is scamming you.He's into something he's not open about.I'll hate to think he has another woman.

What you can do now is get and improve your finances.Work on the fashion design job and also look out for a permanent job.

[/s]

It’s not about another woman joor!

Mrsabuh1 why do you still want to be married to him?

Someone that is violent a womanizer and probably has bastard kids everywhere.

What is the catch?
What is that one good quality that is making you want to go back?

Abi they swear for you?

AwkaetitiBabe:
He's simply a fraudster.

Yes...seems the husband is a Fraudster for deceiving her to return to Nigeria and thus cancelling their visa without notifying her.

i believe women has powers over men abroad...and you've shown him signs that you can just get angry one day and seek divorce thereby putting him into financial bondage while you guys were still in the UAE hence his cunning attitude.......it simple he doesnt want to be your husband outside Nigeria.

A friend is planing doing what your husband just did, he reasons 're "the wife nags alot, she's never contented any passing day without one or two troubles" so Op, I hope your behave isn't chasing your husband away from home... I think you alone can knows d reason behind your husband's action.

egwekwe:
Stop been emotional. I agree that was careless on the husband part and I already edited my post.

This is the wife version.what do you expect her to do? Divorce the husband?

It seems like the hubby is still providing for her and kids.

It's hard to judge family matters without getting all the facts

In the meantime op, you can get a job or something to keep yourself busy .

Build yourself up.

If he was providing for the family, why would she be seeking new visas and jobs
in addition to looking after 3 kids?