I Need Advice About My Brother Inlaw Attitude

Hello good morning Nairalanders. I have been a guest and a member of this forum for quite some time now. I have equally seen and learnt from the inputs of many issues brought here especially family one. So I decided to create this new account.

I am a new married woman, my marriage is barely 3 months. Before we got married I and my husband agreed that visitors will not stay longer than 2 weeks in our home. Although he begged me that his immediate younger brother whom has been staying with him will stay for a while or comes to stay with us anytime he is on holidays.

I reluctantly agreed just for peace to reign. He shuttles between our home and my SIL homes for now. To cut the long story short, prior to when we got married that I go visit my then fiancé, anytime I cook this guy is fond of dipping his hands into my pot of soup or food without asking me and this is what I am not comfortable with and I really don't like it. I have sister in law too and I have sisters too anytime I go visiting I don't dip my hands into their pot of food without their consent I see it as something disrespectful.

Again, I couldn't talk then because I feel he may say 'ha dem never marry her she dun de get attitude', now he's continued the same attitude. Yesterday, I made food for the house, dished his own, he ate and slept off when he woke up late in the night he went to my pot again and spoilt my dishing spoon in the process. meanwhile I have not dished out my husband's meal.

Coincidentally, my husband came in from work at that moment and I was going to the kitchen to serve him his meal when I saw him doing what I don't like. When he saw me he said 'this spoon dun spoil '. I kept quiet. I later discussed with my husband, told him that I am not happy with the way his brother is entering my kitchen anyhow n because I am someone that don't like keeping things in my mind I like saying it out to free myself. When I told my husband he said we will talk in the morning.

This morning, the first thing this brother in law of mine was to go straight to the kitchen to look for something to eat. This is someone that will eat and keep the dishes, whenever he is around I don't stay in the living room anymore, my room and my phone is my companion because we stay in a one bedroom flat for now. He's giving me this attitude of it's my brother's house so I can do as I please, when he comes back he expects me to greet him first. I am not saying he cannot stay but my main issue is that he is tempering with my kitchen and trying to flex muscles with me.

Pls how do I handle this issue with my husband amicably because up till now he hasn't said anything and it's bothering me?

Sorry its a bit long. Its just that I don't like anything that will disturb the peace of my mind. And again I have been to their family house and I know he can't do that there then why is he doing it in my place here

You are obviously the architect of your problem


Women always get this wrong during relationships, whatever you don't like, express it! Don't bottle it up and wait till marriage to address it. I don't know why you'll be having ulcer over issues in your relationship that you're waiting to address in marriage, it won't work. This is why plenty men feel like their wives have changed in marriage.

Speak your mind and speak it loud, stop hiding your dis-ease in the relationship because you want to please one man and trap him. It back fires in the end.


So sister op, you have no choice but to keep complaining while everyone starts saying that you've changed and your brother-in-law ostracizes you. You caused it by not speaking out from the beginning.

Hmmn.

Iwantpeace:
Hello good morning nairalanders. I have been a guest and a member of this forum for quite some time now. I have equally seen and learnt from the inputs of many issues brought here especially family one. So I decided to create this new account .
I am a new married woman, my marriage is barely 3 months . Before we got married I and my husband agreed that visitors will not stay longer than 2weeks in our home. Although he begged me that his immediate younger brother whom has been staying with him will stay for a while or comes to stay with us anytime he is on holidays. I reluctantly agreed just for peace to reign.He shuttles between our home and my SIL homes for now. To cut the long story short, prior to when we got married that I go visit my then fiancée, anytime I cook this guy is fond of dipping his hands into my pot of soup or food without asking me and this is what I am not comfortable with and I really don't like it. I have sister in law too and I have sisters too anytime I go visiting I don't dip my hands into their pot of food without their consent I see it as somethnig disrespectful. Again, I couldn't talk then because I feel he may say 'ha dem never marry her she dun de get attitude' , now he's continued the same attitude. Yesterday, I made food for the house, dished his own he ate and slept off when he woke up late in the night he went to my pot again and spoilt my dishing spoon in the process. meanwhile I have not dished out my husband's meal. Coincidentally, my husband came in from work at that moment and I was going to the kitchen to serve him his meal when I saw him doing what I don't like. When he saw me he said 'this spoon dun spoil '. I kept quiet. I later discussed with my husband told him that i am not happy with the way his brother is entering my kitchen anyhow n because I am someone that don't like keeping things in my mind I like saying it out to free myself. When I told my husband he said we will talk in the morning . This morning , the first thing this brother in law of mine was to go straight to the kitchen to look for something to eat. This is someone that will eat and keep the dishes , whenever he is around I don't stay in the living room anymore my room and my phone is my companion because we stay in a one bedroom flat for now. He's giving me this attitude of its my brothers house so I can do as I please, when he comes back he expects me to greet him first. I am not saying he cannot stay but my main issue is that he is tempering with my kitchen n trying to flex muscles with me. Pls how do I handle this issue with my husband amicably because uptill now he hasn't said anything and its bothering me.

This kind of matter happens often. And it gets really annoying.

Since you've discussed it with your husband, it's okay. Don't tell him what to do because you are running out of patience with your inlaw. But don't make worse off to get to 'either me or him' point.

Leave that boy, your village people dey use am. The boy might make you exhibit behaviours that questions who you truly are to your husband and inlaws. Because as una just marry, them still dey watch you closely, and na that boy they may be using to 'test' our new wife. You just may not know. What i am saying may sound crazy but it is plausible.

You are still another girlfriend to his brother and when your time comes you will leave.

Your husband needs to talk to him and tell him that you are a different person that you are not his other girlfriends that he brings to the house, maybe he still has that mentality.

I stayed in my brother's house for two years I no even behave like this. I dey look for how to impress make madam no vex influence brother (through sex) make him comot me for house

I saw ladies come and go but when this particular one came no be person tell me to behave. Now they're married. If I want to go stay there for two weeks they'll still beg me not to go home because my record there no one has broken. Not even her relatives.

You're a very honest woman for admitted he has been doing same thing before you married his brother.
To me this is where you got it wrong. So you think telling him to stop dipping his hand into your food may disqualify you from marrying his brother. Now saying it now will be like after my brother don marry her yanga don start.

Me as a person, wetin i no go gree 100 years time na today i go dey shout NO.

My suggestion, call the guy and talk to him in a calm manner and let him know you don't like seeing him inside your kitchen especially opening your pot of food/soup. Make sure your husband no dey when you go reason him.

Mehn these are shallow, infinitesimal issues I personally feel if u ain’t the the classic “me and my husband alone kinda woman” this isn’t worth loosing ur peace over let alone creating a thread to rant

He went to the kitchen he ddnt tell me, ordinary food, did he eat everything and not leave any for u and ur husband??

he put the spoon somehow, the spoon is bend, it’s broken..... Spoon... as in ordinary 100naira spoon!!!

He wants me to greet him first..did he say so??...oh please! This is the lamest one...
what’s the big deal about saying hello and chatting when u see a person.

see, don’t get me wrong, I know we have different tolerance and organizing style as humans...and sometimes it sort of bothers some people more than normal when outsiders invade their space.....but these issues are so unimportant people will just say u are not accommodating at the end of the day.....

Madam let it go....a little accommodating spirit will make the issues u raised unimportant to you

Unless it’s really not about the spoons and pot of soup...if it’s probably because the guy isn’t allowing u moan as loud as u want or feel free in ur house with short skimpy clothes...just tell ur husband... I trust my guy.......

What this
U tolerated it during courtship and it becomes a norm when u married his brother.

U are one of those people that don't like husband relative. Madam, be more tolerance. At one time or the other I av my bro and sister in-law live with me though separate times.
I respect them alot and at the same time send them errand I will send my younger ones... All u have to do is just apply wisdom. They are no longer with me but the respect we av for each other is topnotch.

He won't be with you forever. So chillax.

1StopRudeness:
Mehn these are shallow, infinitesimal issues I personally feel if u ain’t the the classic “me and my husband alone kinda woman” this isn’t worth loosing ur peace over let alone creating a thread to rant

He went to the kitchen he ddnt tell me, ordinary food, did he eat everything and not leave any for u and ur husband??

he put the spoon somehow, the spoon is bend, it’s broken..... Spoon... as in ordinary 100naira spoon!!!

He wants me to greet him first..did he say so??...oh please! This is the lamest one...
what’s the big deal about saying hello and chatting when u see a person.

see, don’t get me wrong, I know we have different tolerance and organizing style as humans...and sometimes it sort of bothers some people more than normal when outsiders invade their space.....but these issues are so unimportant people will just say u are not accommodating at the end of the day.....

Madam let it go....a little accommodating spirit will make the issues u raised unimportant to you

Unless it’s really not about the spoons and pot of soup...if it’s probably because the guy isn’t allowing u moan as loud as u want or feel free in ur house with short skimpy clothes...just tell ur husband... I trust my guy.......

God bless you for this write up. You've said it all.

Madam calm down, learn to overlook things. He will someday find his way out of your home.

My sister everyone above me made a good post, you would have started saying NO and put stop to those attitude of his during relationship, now you're married is not good time. Instead advice your husband to help his brother go back to his base(maybe school or family house) or get another good settlement for him so he can move to there and let you moan in peace. If you do otherwise you'll now become the witch in their family

Just tell us say the guy presence no de let u waka naked for house.

Food ah, God bless my mother, she hardly serve relatives food herself, she will tel u to go and dish the one u can finish ,.

It's not about being tolerant but showing a sense of responsibility. How can a man dip his hand into his brother's wife cooking pot. When I'm pregnant, my hubby cooks at times but tell me to dish it cos he can put his hand in d pot.If it was a SIL, I could tolerate but a man, tufiaka. Let's call a spade a spade, It is all shades of wrong. Some soup get sour if different hands gets into it. Eg Egusi soup. @ OP, just be patient cos I know u are very upset in order no to overreact. Inlaw wahala can actually break a marriage. If u love your marriage, just tolerate him for the time being.

Don't start what you can't finish. Moreover this life deep.

1StopRudeness:
Mehn these are shallow, infinitesimal issues I personally feel if u ain’t the the classic “me and my husband alone kinda woman” this isn’t worth loosing ur peace over let alone creating a thread to rant

He went to the kitchen he ddnt tell me, ordinary food, did he eat everything and not leave any for u and ur husband??

he put the spoon somehow, the spoon is bend, it’s broken..... Spoon... as in ordinary 100naira spoon!!!

He wants me to greet him first..did he say so??...oh please! This is the lamest one...
what’s the big deal about saying hello and chatting when u see a person.

see, don’t get me wrong, I know we have different tolerance and organizing style as humans...and sometimes it sort of bothers some people more than normal when outsiders invade their space.....but these issues are so unimportant people will just say u are not accommodating at the end of the day.....

Madam let it go....a little accommodating spirit will make the issues u raised unimportant to you

Unless it’s really not about the spoons and pot of soup...if it’s probably because the guy isn’t allowing u moan as loud as u want or feel free in ur house with short skimpy clothes...just tell ur husband... I trust my guy.......

no pls it's not all about that! do u know when I am not around this guy does whatever he likes at home.finish everything he sees. I just came back from the market now to look for what to cook later in the afternoon. I perceived smoke in the whole house, this guy has fried yam n ate all of it, washed the plate and left the others the way I saw it. as in from 8am -12pm he has eaten 2times not even minding if I have eaten once or not. haba!!

Be tolerant don't make me abuse you ooo

Shallypop:
It's not about being tolerant but showing a sense of responsibility. How can a man dip his hand into his brother's wife cooking pot. When I'm pregnant, my hubby cooks at times but tell me to dish it cos he can put his hand in d pot.If it was a SIL, I could tolerate but a man, tufiaka. Let's call a spade a spade, It is all shades of wrong. Some soup get sour if different hands gets into it. Eg Egusi soup. @ OP, just be patient cos I know u are very upset in order no to overreact. Inlaw wahala can actually break a marriage. If u love your marriage, just tolerate him for the time being.

like I said before I spent the yuletide season in their family house and never will he do that. i m very positive about that . how comes he is doing this now??

Iwantpeace:
Hello good morning nairalanders. I have been a guest and a member of this forum for quite some time now. I have equally seen and learnt from the inputs of many issues brought here especially family one. So I decided to create this new account .
I am a new married woman, my marriage is barely 3 months . Before we got married I and my husband agreed that visitors will not stay longer than 2weeks in our home. Although he begged me that his immediate younger brother whom has been staying with him will stay for a while or comes to stay with us anytime he is on holidays. I reluctantly agreed just for peace to reign.He shuttles between our home and my SIL homes for now. To cut the long story short, prior to when we got married that I go visit my then fiancée, anytime I cook this guy is fond of dipping his hands into my pot of soup or food without asking me and this is what I am not comfortable with and I really don't like it. I have sister in law too and I have sisters too anytime I go visiting I don't dip my hands into their pot of food without their consent I see it as somethnig disrespectful. Again, I couldn't talk then because I feel he may say 'ha dem never marry her she dun de get attitude' , now he's continued the same attitude. Yesterday, I made food for the house, dished his own he ate and slept off when he woke up late in the night he went to my pot again and spoilt my dishing spoon in the process. meanwhile I have not dished out my husband's meal. Coincidentally, my husband came in from work at that moment and I was going to the kitchen to serve him his meal when I saw him doing what I don't like. When he saw me he said 'this spoon dun spoil '. I kept quiet. I later discussed with my husband told him that i am not happy with the way his brother is entering my kitchen anyhow n because I am someone that don't like keeping things in my mind I like saying it out to free myself. When I told my husband he said we will talk in the morning . This morning , the first thing this brother in law of mine was to go straight to the kitchen to look for something to eat. This is someone that will eat and keep the dishes , whenever he is around I don't stay in the living room anymore my room and my phone is my companion because we stay in a one bedroom flat for now. He's giving me this attitude of its my brothers house so I can do as I please, when he comes back he expects me to greet him first. I am not saying he cannot stay but my main issue is that he is tempering with my kitchen n trying to flex muscles with me. Pls how do I handle this issue with my husband amicably because uptill now he hasn't said anything and its bothering me.

You want him to send his brother away so that you can be happy?

If this guy were to be your own brother, would you have reported him to your hubby or creat a thread for it?

I know of people who poisoned their husband's mind towards their siblings and they were chased out of the house.

Today, everyone is on their own and even married but the intolerant madam cannot even pick her phone to call any of these guys when there was issue.

Please correct him in love and learn to be tolerant.

Foodqueen:
What this
U tolerated it during courtship and it becomes a norm when u married his brother.

U are one of those people that don't like husband relative. Madam, be more tolerance. At one time or the other I av my bro and sister in-law live with me though separate times.
I respect them alot and at the same time send them errand I will send my younger ones... All u have to do is just apply wisdom. They are no longer with me but the respect we av for each other is topnotch.

He won't be with you forever. So chillax.

pls wat wisdom do u suggest I apply now?

Iwantpeace:

pls wat wisdom do u suggest I apply now?

Get busy, that's the only wisdom you need.

I've never seen a busy woman with a job or business that takes her out of the house from morning till evening, bothered about who is opening her pot.

Busy women just prepare the food and are very happy they don't have to dish it also when they have places to be and other things to be doing.

If you're so bothered about your BIL finishing your soup/stew and protein, then cook and package some of it for storage. Also take out your husband's portion and store it in a flask or container to warm it when he's ready to eat.. The only quantity of food you should leave in the pot is that which is for your BIL and he can go to it and eat it anytime he likes.
The only thing you can tell him is to ensure he cleans his plates when he's done, it's a simple request - you can even say it casually and in a playful manner.

This is how you handle visitors who are staying for extended periods.

I don't know if women don't teach their daughters how to act in their matrimonial homes anymore.
Everything must turn to fight with you young women.

I’m sorry I don’t know what to tell you. I’m trying to be sympathetic because you must be troubled to have brought it here.

The question is: Can he not eat when he’s hungry? Does he have to ask you first? If finance is the problem, Maybe ask your husband to discuss with him on how he can contribute. If he’s not in a financial position to contribute then that means you and your husband must provide for him while he’s there. In which case, only have guests that you can afford to care for.

I don’t think it’s nice to expect him to ask permission every time he’s hungry. Unless he’s a minor. And even then I wouldn’t do that. But it would be a bit more understandable since a minor might not be very hygienic in the kitchen and stuff like that.

Food is such an important aspect of life that I’d hate to restrict anyone’s access to it. I think he’d be more comfortable and at home if he can eat whenever he’s hungry without asking permission

Iwantpeace:

pls wat wisdom do u suggest I apply now?

Don't frown at him. Always greet him well.infact become his gist budding, then from there when you are gisting u can stylishly tell him that u are not comfortable with him going to your pot.

To be sincere with you I have no problem with in-law or anybody going to my pot. And every relative i av stayed with at some time never have problem with me going to their pot.

If u continue hating everything he does now, one day u will start having misunderstanding and your husband won't like it. Since he has been living with his brother before u came in, it's better u be at peace with him. And I think he is just been himself with you. Like he wants to be free with you.

OR

Dish your husband's food after cooking and portion some to be freezed.


Most importantly,stop reporting him.

J
The problems most people have were caused by inability to reject what they don't like. If you don't stand for something you would fall for everything.

Let people know what you hate and what you like.

The attitude of your BIL is disgusting and it is testing your already exhausted patience.

Your solution: reject whatever he does that you hate immediately you see it. But do it with seriousness then with respect.
Do not show any attitude that you want him leave.

Still be respectful to him at home all the time.

Most BIL or ILs are rude and always taking territories where they shouldn't.

But, for you to do all these, your attitude must make you indispensable.

I had always believed that only a pretender will accept what he or she doesn't like.

If you are a good person, u wil reject what you don't like. If the person you rejected his or her attitudes want to get mad, they would remember that your goodness outweighs the chastity thus they will simply know that you are good, but just hate what you don't like. Simple!

*** And erase the thinking from your head that you and your husband had agreed on people spending just two weeks or less while visiting you.

U na never want your husband to be successful? Ppl will look for and want to with a successful man!

One bedroom apartment, biko where does he sleep? The parlour? Well...all this your attitude and his attitude would have been avoided if you guys just lay off extra marital lodgers biko. It is well.

cococandy:
I’m sorry I don’t know what to tell you. I’m trying to be sympathetic because you must be troubled to have brought it here.

The question is: Can he not eat when he’s hungry? Does he have to ask you first? If finance is the problem, Maybe ask your husband to discuss with him on how he can contribute. If he’s not in a financial position to contribute then that means you and your husband must provide for him while he’s there. In which case, only have guests that you can afford to care for.

I don’t think it’s nice to expect him to ask permission every time he’s hungry. Unless he’s a minor. And even then I wouldn’t do that. But it would be a bit more understandable since a minor might not be very hygienic in the kitchen and stuff like that.

Food is such an important aspect of life that I’d hate to restrict anyone’s access to it. I think he’d be more comfortable and at home if he can eat whenever he’s hungry without asking permission

That aspect you said it’s not nice to ask permission before he dishes food for himself is wrong . As big as I am, when I go out to visit my aunts or friends I do ask for permission to serve myself .

It’s totally wrong to be in someone’s house and not take permission to serve yourself no matter how familiar you are with the person . It’s called manner!!! cos you don’t know if the person hasn’t eaten or that is the last meal in the house at the moment or the food is being monitored so I could last some days.

It’s very disrespectful. What’s wrong in saying “can I serve something to eat?” When you go to a restaurant, you just don’t walk in there and go to the kitchen to pick whatever you want . You first of all make an order.

When you’re In someone’s house , coordinate yourself very well. Haba!!! The brother-in-law have bad manners. She should have corrected them earlier on than now .

I feel like you’re not understanding where I’m coming from. if the person is visiting for a day or two. Then, It’s not out of place to ask.

But if they are living with you (which is what a prolonged visit is) will they ask for permission for breakfast, lunch and dinner for everyday they live with you? Think about it.

Being inconsiderate is a totally different conversation. Like if they eat everything without thinking of others. That’s different.

But if they eat like a normal person would, bearing in mind that they are living in the house with others, there’s nothing disrespectful about it in my opinion.

Ginaz:


That aspect you said it’s not nice to ask permission before he dishes food for himself is wrong . As big as I am, when I go out to visit my aunts or friends I do ask for permission to serve myself .

It’s totally wrong to be in someone’s house and not take permission to serve yourself no matter how familiar you are with the person . It’s called manner!!! cos you don’t know if the person hasn’t eaten or that is the last meal in the house at the moment or the food is being monitored so I could last some days.

It’s very disrespectful. What’s wrong in saying “can I serve something to eat?” When you go to a restaurant, you just don’t walk in there and go to the kitchen to pick whatever you want . You first of all make an order.

When you’re In someone’s house , coordinate yourself very well. Haba!!! The brother-in-law have bad manners. She should have corrected them earlier on than now .

Truthfully, this idea of relatives living with newly wedded should die. Especially when the apartment is too small for comfort. Assuming there was a boys quarters, perhaps, it could be a bit manageable. But living in your married sibling's house is not healthy, either for you or the sibling's family.

Any support can be given away from the matrimonial home. It brings unnecessary crisis. For how long will the husband continue to settle fights? It's a dicey situation even for the husband, as the two people involved are his loved ones.

If you live in your married sibling's house, please go back to your parent's house and leave them alone in peace. Visit in 1 or 2 weeks, but go back asap.

.

cococandy:
I feel like you’re not understanding where I’m coming from. if the person is visiting for a day or two. Then, It’s not out of place to ask.

But if they are living with you (which is what a prolonged visit is) will they ask for permission for breakfast, lunch and dinner for everyday they live with you? Think about it.

Being inconsiderate is a totally different conversation. Like if they eat everything without thinking of others. That’s different.

But if they eat like a normal person would, bearing in mind that they are living in the house with others, there’s nothing disrespectful about it in my opinion.

I stayed good 6 months at a friend’s family house. I never went to the pot to serve without first asking, sometimes I would wait for my friend to indicate interest to eat and we go together to serve our meal. That is respect. Humans are very funny , you think they don’t notice everything but they do.

I don’t want a situation I go and serve at anytime I want then it would bring talks of me feeling too much at home to the extent I serve food “anyhow” or she likes “eating too much ,” na only food she dey go pot go serve”.

There are boundaries and I try my best to follow them in everything I do. So far you are under someone’s roof, so far you are not the one making important decisions in the house ... kindly respect everything that has to do with the owner of the house.

It shows respect and it’s no way demeaning at all to ask for permission to serve. If it is so demeaning then start brining in money for cooking so you can serve as you want .

Don’t go and serve with reckless abandon a food you don’t bring a kobo for. Show some respect and coordination.

Well then let’s agree to disagree.

If someone lives with me, I want them to feel free enough to eat whenever they are hungry.

In her case, if it’s about finances she and her husband can ask him to contribute or only agree to host when they can afford to.

About feeling too much at home, lol. That’s the whole point. If someone lives with you, they should be able to feel very very at home. Otherwise they shouldn’t come.

That’s why opening your home to long term visitors is not a small decision. Weigh it well, decide and plan how you’re going to finance it, consider if you can stand living with said person for the amount of time they need or want to stay. And then when the decision is made, it’s made. Everyone should be able to live comfortably without walking on egg shells.

Ginaz:


I stayed good 6 months at a friend’s family house. I never went to the pot to serve without first asking, sometimes I would wait for my friend to indicate interest to eat and we go together to serve our meal. That is respect. Humans are very funny , you think they don’t notice everything but they do.

I don’t want a situation I go and serve at anytime I want then it would bring talks of me feeling too much at home to the extent I serve food “anyhow” or she likes “eating too much ,” na only food she dey go pot go serve”.

There are boundaries and I try my best to follow them in everything I do. So far you are under someone’s roof, so far you are not the one making important decisions in the house ... kindly respect everything that has to do with the owner of the house.

It shows respect and it’s no way demeaning at all to ask for permission to serve. If it is so demeaning then start brining in money for cooking so you can serve as you want .

Don’t go and serve with reckless abandon a food you don’t bring a kobo for. Show some respect and coordination.