₦airaland Forum

U nid perseverance and tolerance, cos, once u loose ur Goodwill wit ur husband's family, ehn,,,,, eeehnnnnnn.......

I feel you but the question below is for you

1. Would you be comfortable your BIL comes to you each time he's hungry for you to dish out and serve him? I would suggest when you cook, dish out your husband's share and keep away. Dish your BIL own and leave for him in the pot a small potion for later and let him know you did plus he should 'help' you clean up after he's done ....I'm sure he will appreciate and gladly do it. You may from time to time give him small small gifts or cash gifts. He enjoys your cooking hence his craving for more You don't want a BIL that would criticize your cooking shaaa

2. Have you taken out time to sit your BIL down and discuss these things you don't like in a friendly manner with him? You can jocularly say 'see when you marry I go just come carry your wife pot of soup oo' or 'I go just eat drop plate anyhow for your house o' .....something to make fun of!

You need to resolve this in a very friendly and amicable way. Don't be seen as too harsh on your BIL else you incur the wrath of your in-Laws. Your BIL is obviously spoilt from home.

I agree with you on the not more than 2 weeks of stay ....infact during marriage counseling, you're advised against living in a very large apartment such that a visitor would be very comfortable to want to overstay.

Iwantpeace:
I Need Advice About My Brother Inlaw Attitude

Hello good morning Nairalanders. I have been a guest and a member of this forum for quite some time now. I have equally seen and learnt from the inputs of many issues brought here especially family one. So I decided to create this new account.

I am a new married woman, my marriage is barely 3 months. Before we got married I and my husband agreed that visitors will not stay longer than 2 weeks in our home. Although he begged me that his immediate younger brother whom has been staying with him will stay for a while or comes to stay with us anytime he is on holidays.

I reluctantly agreed just for peace to reign. He shuttles between our home and my SIL homes for now. To cut the long story short, prior to when we got married that I go visit my then fiancé, anytime I cook this guy is fond of dipping his hands into my pot of soup or food without asking me and this is what I am not comfortable with and I really don't like it. I have sister in law too and I have sisters too anytime I go visiting I don't dip my hands into their pot of food without their consent I see it as something disrespectful.

Again, I couldn't talk then because I feel he may say 'ha dem never marry her she dun de get attitude', now he's continued the same attitude. Yesterday, I made food for the house, dished his own, he ate and slept off when he woke up late in the night he went to my pot again and spoilt my dishing spoon in the process. meanwhile I have not dished out my husband's meal.

Coincidentally, my husband came in from work at that moment and I was going to the kitchen to serve him his meal when I saw him doing what I don't like. When he saw me he said 'this spoon dun spoil '. I kept quiet. I later discussed with my husband, told him that I am not happy with the way his brother is entering my kitchen anyhow n because I am someone that don't like keeping things in my mind I like saying it out to free myself. When I told my husband he said we will talk in the morning.

This morning, the first thing this brother in law of mine was to go straight to the kitchen to look for something to eat. This is someone that will eat and keep the dishes, whenever he is around I don't stay in the living room anymore, my room and my phone is my companion because we stay in a one bedroom flat for now. He's giving me this attitude of it's my brother's house so I can do as I please, when he comes back he expects me to greet him first. I am not saying he cannot stay but my main issue is that he is tempering with my kitchen and trying to flex muscles with me.

Pls how do I handle this issue with my husband amicably because up till now he hasn't said anything and it's bothering me?

Iwantpeace:
I Need Advice About My Brother Inlaw Attitude

Hello good morning Nairalanders. I have been a guest and a member of this forum for quite some time now. I have equally seen and learnt from the inputs of many issues brought here especially family one. So I decided to create this new account.

I am a new married woman, my marriage is barely 3 months. Before we got married I and my husband agreed that visitors will not stay longer than 2 weeks in our home. Although he begged me that his immediate younger brother whom has been staying with him will stay for a while or comes to stay with us anytime he is on holidays.

I reluctantly agreed just for peace to reign. He shuttles between our home and my SIL homes for now. To cut the long story short, prior to when we got married that I go visit my then fiancé, anytime I cook this guy is fond of dipping his hands into my pot of soup or food without asking me and this is what I am not comfortable with and I really don't like it. I have sister in law too and I have sisters too anytime I go visiting I don't dip my hands into their pot of food without their consent I see it as something disrespectful.

Again, I couldn't talk then because I feel he may say 'ha dem never marry her she dun de get attitude', now he's continued the same attitude. Yesterday, I made food for the house, dished his own, he ate and slept off when he woke up late in the night he went to my pot again and spoilt my dishing spoon in the process. meanwhile I have not dished out my husband's meal.

Coincidentally, my husband came in from work at that moment and I was going to the kitchen to serve him his meal when I saw him doing what I don't like. When he saw me he said 'this spoon dun spoil '. I kept quiet. I later discussed with my husband, told him that I am not happy with the way his brother is entering my kitchen anyhow n because I am someone that don't like keeping things in my mind I like saying it out to free myself. When I told my husband he said we will talk in the morning.

This morning, the first thing this brother in law of mine was to go straight to the kitchen to look for something to eat. This is someone that will eat and keep the dishes, whenever he is around I don't stay in the living room anymore, my room and my phone is my companion because we stay in a one bedroom flat for now. He's giving me this attitude of it's my brother's house so I can do as I please, when he comes back he expects me to greet him first. I am not saying he cannot stay but my main issue is that he is tempering with my kitchen and trying to flex muscles with me.

Pls how do I handle this issue with my husband amicably because up till now he hasn't said anything and it's bothering me?

Hello Sister. I understand your pain. But to save your Marriage and not to have any problem with your husband, you don't need the drag the matter further. Call the stupid guy to order. Let him know you not comfortable with that . And if refuse to change , then just leave the matter. Prepare your husband food alone henceforth.your husband will not want to offend his brother. So he won't go and be saying rubbish at home, say brother don chop vegetables. And you have more edge anyway. You can always talk to your husband that special moment he listens. You know na. **Winks**

No way to explain it than to say your brother in-law is not cultured,your husband is in position to tell him the truth ,but you need wisdom to handle the matter so they won't see you as a divider of the family bond .This type of a thing is common in Africa. Only Wisdom can help us trash such a thing

sassysure:
All naija doors have locks.

You are making a lot of assumptions. She didnt say she doesnt want him to come inside, she said the guy doesnt excuse himself before barging in to take something.

You dont know the set-up of her house. Whether she leaves the door open for ventilation purposes, or if she needs to monitor what she's cooking or what.

Even her husband may get offended that she waits until he is not around before shutting herself inside the room as if his brother has Coronavirus.

No need for "subconscious" anything and sneaking around, scheming and planning as if youre scared.

I dont see why you should be locking yourself up inside your own home because you are afraid to open your mouth and tell your junior brother to stop entering without knocking. A simple word will suffice.

The greeting stuff is not new. He is supposed to greet her as the elder and it may be annoying to some people that he doesnt do it. But maybe as he gets to know and respect her, he will begin to do it of his own accord.

She shouldnt worry about it IMHO or she could greet him first some days to show that she is compromising

FrLukas:
How much is a pot of soup indeed. Give her the money if you will.

If the younger brother wants to hurt his brother and his family out of jealousy, it's as simple as mixing rat poison in the soup he always has access to.

You set think am.

Your way of thinking is so irritating. Tufiakwa!

shut up. u think this is 1970s
now anyone can go and take soup or food if he or she is hungry.
who come to a public forum to talk shit about common food? idiot

Here is my similar story, no father no mother, my brother and I have been living together since when he was in JSS1(now BSC holder). He does all the cooking while I drop the cash. I pleaded with my wife to allow him stay with us whenever he comes from school of which she agreed.

When we got married, the unexpected similar issue happened, wife was reporting brother to me while brother was reporting wife to me. I sat my wife down and asked her what she wanted and how she wanted it...I called a meeting between the three of us. My words were short but instructive, wife maintain your kitchen since you have agreed to . Brother was ban from entering kitchen without permission. It took me lot of talks and enlightenment before peace reign in my house.

They later became best of friends, to the extend that when my brother is coming from school, he called my wife only and not me.
Now, my brother has finished school and service, he got a job and now on his own.

Please, tell your husband to let his brother know what it takes to be married, dos and donts must be spelt out to his brother. You too should not put up attitude of any kind towards your brother in-law till your husband sort things out.

Thanks

Its because of women like this that led to the sudden death of our dad cos our useless elder brother married of the OP kind! All these complains will never see the light of the day is it were to be her own siblings!! Na so dem the start with chasing every husbands siblings away. We have vowed never to have anything to do with our brother nor his jezebel are they not suffering it till date?? This woman is very wicked and stone hearted!!

1StopRudeness:
Mehn these are shallow, infinitesimal issues I personally feel if u ain’t the the classic “me and my husband alone kinda woman” this isn’t worth loosing ur peace over let alone creating a thread to rant

He went to the kitchen he ddnt tell me, ordinary food, did he eat everything and not leave any for u and ur husband??

he put the spoon somehow, the spoon is bend, it’s broken..... Spoon... as in ordinary 100naira spoon!!!

He wants me to greet him first..did he say so??...oh please! This is the lamest one...
what’s the big deal about saying hello and chatting when u see a person.

see, don’t get me wrong, I know we have different tolerance and organizing style as humans...and sometimes it sort of bothers some people more than normal when outsiders invade their space.....but these issues are so unimportant people will just say u are not accommodating at the end of the day.....

Madam let it go....a little accommodating spirit will make the issues u raised unimportant to you

Unless it’s really not about the spoons and pot of soup...if it’s probably because the guy isn’t allowing u moan as loud as u want or feel free in ur house with short skimpy clothes...just tell ur husband... I trust my guy.......

omo u really hit it on the head hard. the bitch is too annoying to bring up shit like this to the public. she thinks this is 1970?

1StopRudeness:
Dipping his hands is more like a figgure if speech...it’s doesn’t mean he used his physical hands.....it’s a youruba way of talking especially in cases like this when the person ddnt tell you

You're smart. Women are used to spicing up words to make it look sweet to the ear!




I could recall how my mum used to report me to my dad back then. Fear women oh

americaninja1:
And somebody will marry u like dis. Even his mum is a visitor. Uno he can divorce u anytime. Can he divorce his siblings and mum. U just related by law my sister, u can be separated by law any day any time.

Louder please! People at the back need to hear this clearly

Felix6:
Dear madam, I want to BEG you before it is too late. please anyhow possible kill every traces of this seed that is about to germinate in your life, erase every atom of it from your thoughts, because if you don't do that now; i bet you the price will be too much not only on you, but your husband, the children, your husband's brother and the entire family in the nearest future. every one that has contributed to this issue, whether for, or against has valid points, but i tell you the whole ball is in your court. from your write up u said the boy has been staying with his brother before you got married to him, so i can say he knows the shortest route to the kitchen than you, but i am not going to say that! also before his brother moved to get his own place, both have stayed in their parent's house may be a single room sef, hmm strong bond, first love. longer than your "2 years courtship nd 2 years in marriage" but this doesn't count either, I can go on nd on, but MADAM! MADAM!! MADAM!!!, i want to implore you to take the positives out of this whole situation be happy now, and happy HAPPIER in the nearest future. it is far better to have a brother inlaw that eats your food freely than those that will simply say thank you i am not hungry even when they are starving. when this situation arises your husband too will loose his appetite for your food, and just like that it will extend to other areas and other family members will be drag in as every member start to align themselves based on perception. hence the APC VS PDP scenarios will start to play out in your home nd extended family. may God forbid this. madam please act as the mother which you are, a very strong pillar to family building, sooner than later, natural instincts will sets in on that guy and he will start to realize he needs his own space to function well in life, before u say jack he is out of your house and you will even miss him for the little troubles . madam i pray the lord almighty gives you the strenght to go through all this, but i can assure you, happier future awaits you, don't let yourself to be caught in this messy web, no, don't go reporting to your husband, or telling the guy u don't like him going to your pot, or can't you greet, leave all that, it is only when you think about these stuff much, they become big deal and gragually erode your happyness. thank you.

Of all the comments I read in this thread, yours is the most mature. I'm not married but I sure learnt one or two things from you. Kudos.

crackkhaus:
Get busy, that's the only wisdom you need.

I've never seen a busy woman with a job or business that takes her out of the house from morning till evening, bothered about who is opening her pot.

Busy women just prepare the food and are very happy they don't have to dish it also when they have places to be and other things to be doing.

If you're so bothered about your BIL finishing your soup/stew and protein, then cook and package some of it for storage. Also take out your husband's portion and store it in a flask or container to warm it when he's ready to eat.. The only quantity of food you should leave in the pot is that which is for your BIL and he can go to it and eat it anytime he likes.
The only thing you can tell him is to ensure he cleans his plates when he's done, it's a simple request - you can even say it casually and in a playful manner.

This is how you handle visitors who are staying for extended periods.

I don't know if women don't teach their daughters how to act in their matrimonial homes anymore.
Everything must turn to fight with you young women.

Very very sensible.

Uisce:
His lack of manners towards you didn't start today but while you were dating your husband. You should've spoken up then.

It appears he has no respect for you. Your husband should do the needful asap and put him in check since you're unable to speak up for yourself.

Apparently, her husband is not a foolish person. So your idea sucks!

pocohantas:
I like Naija men with this mentality, very sweet to deal with. A woman that cooks the meal you eat everyday- you open your mouth and tell her she can be divorced anytime.

I will be mixing a lethal drug in your food every single day. Till your kidney packs up. Send you back to that your family for caregiving. Nonsense.

Shut up! In fact I just reported this your comment. Expect your ban soon

Sarah20A:
guy abeg chill remember not all women are familiar with guys. Most guys are very simple if we understand them

Sharap there! I said sharap there!





Oh just checked your dp now. Wow! Hi mami

So true. People should be mindful of how they treat the people they meet, at home, work, street etcetera, for they will meet them again, and in many cases better off.
Madam should switch to love mode and see that guy change.

Kollyman:
If this guy were to be your own brother, would you have reported him to your hubby or creat a thread for it?

I know of people who poisoned their husband's mind towards their siblings and they were chased out of the house.

Today, everyone is on their own and even married but the intolerant madam cannot even pick her phone to call any of these guys when there was issue.

Please correct him in love and learn to be tolerant.

americaninja1:
set awon Maryam, u c wat I’m saying. Ur mum can never think of killing u no matter wat u do but u c Naija gurlz of nowadays dere eyes don tear. Dey first turn ur relatives to visitor then start killing u slowly.

That poco girl is a witch

Love him regardless and see him as your own blood brother! Love bears all things.

More so talk to your husband to get him an holiday job. Guess you need to get yourself distracted with a job or business too.

Iwantpeace:
pls wat wisdom do u suggest I apply now?

sorepco:
U no well. Ick used. Clothes in a room where madam is naked?

That was a fucking lie from the so called madam. Don't be a sissy Mr!

haryorbarmie83:
So you have decided to bring this matter here. Ok, I will be coming home next weekend.

lmfao

FrLukas:
Bro, I respect your opinion on the matter. I do.

But think about it. The couple lives in a ome-bedroom apartment. Food is definitely an issue here, and a big one too especially when you have a brother that eats like a glutton.

The couple don't have a child yet but they are already feeding an extra mouth. And that extra mouth is extra wide.
At least that's what I was able to glean from her post.

And so fucking what

My sister only me fit give you better advice. 1. Never u receive advice from a single lady
2. Try to be tolerant of people's attitude
3. If u need any correction of hisb attitude use ur husband.# blood is ticker than water
4. Don't forget if anything happen to ur husband u will still face dem.# u can not run away from Dem for ever
5

americaninja1:
she talk say she naked. I sure say she no even dey around wen he picked it up. All dis excuse is just to paint d guy bad. And make us feel she’s d victim. When said said smoke filled d ause d previous post. Tut she was talking bout d guy smoking in d house nt until I read further. Nothing srs in all she said.

You're smart

My candid advice is for you to lock your kitchen and keep the key to yourself nobody goes in without your permission perhaps if he insists on retrieving the key I think that's when your husband will intervene

Tell ur hubby to send him away so dat u can av ur peace.just 3 months in marriage u don dey do anyhow.may God help ur hubby oooo cos I knw dis is just d starting point u go soon extend am to his sisters n his mum

cococandy:
I’m sorry I don’t know what to tell you. I’m trying to be sympathetic because you must be troubled to have brought it here.

The question is: Can he not eat when he’s hungry? Does he have to ask you first? If finance is the problem, Maybe ask your husband to discuss with him on how he can contribute. If he’s not in a financial position to contribute then that means you and your husband must provide for him while he’s there. In which case, only have guests that you can afford to care for.

I don’t think it’s nice to expect him to ask permission every time he’s hungry. Unless he’s a minor. And even then I wouldn’t do that. But it would be a bit more understandable since a minor might not be very hygienic in the kitchen and stuff like that.

Food is such an important aspect of life that I’d hate to restrict anyone’s access to it. I think he’d be more comfortable and at home if he can eat whenever he’s hungry without asking permission

I have been reading wise and reasonable comments here from guys , which is typical, of guys, but I just read ur comment, and I am glad DAT in dis era wen reasonable women are scarce, dia is still a woman who reasons as beautiful as u, my dear, u re wise, smart, and intelligent. D last set of reasonable women dis world had , was our mothers, dis generation of women are all whack including my sisters. I have not seen ur face , bt i know You are a blessing to ur man, God bless ur future home.

Firstly, let me welcome you to the marital world where the life of being single is different from the married life. I will talk from the angle of the Yoruba culture.

1. When you got married, it means you have accepted the Good, Bad and Ugly of him including that that might come with his family.

2. In regard to the issue at hand, you need to discuss this issue with your husband. Let him understand the inconvenience and discomfort you experiencing when your BIL dip his hands into your pot of stew. Mind you, your husband might claim that he gives you money for food et al, therefore his brother can do what he likes.

Solution: Start giving him the smallest piece of meat in the pot, if he complains, you know the answer to give him in the best of ways oooh.

Or better, cook what you know will last your guys for one week, if it finishes in two days because of his presence, just let him know food has finished. If he asked why, you know what to do.

I wish you and hubby happy marital life.

Trust me, the worst is yet to come. Embrace yourself and be full of wisdom.

PS: Never you be rude to your BIL oooh.

Iwantpeace:
I Need Advice About My Brother Inlaw Attitude

Hello good morning Nairalanders. I have been a guest and a member of this forum for quite some time now. I have equally seen and learnt from the inputs of many issues brought here especially family one. So I decided to create this new account.

I am a new married woman, my marriage is barely 3 months. Before we got married I and my husband agreed that visitors will not stay longer than 2 weeks in our home. Although he begged me that his immediate younger brother whom has been staying with him will stay for a while or comes to stay with us anytime he is on holidays.

I reluctantly agreed just for peace to reign. He shuttles between our home and my SIL homes for now. To cut the long story short, prior to when we got married that I go visit my then fiancé, anytime I cook this guy is fond of dipping his hands into my pot of soup or food without asking me and this is what I am not comfortable with and I really don't like it. I have sister in law too and I have sisters too anytime I go visiting I don't dip my hands into their pot of food without their consent I see it as something disrespectful.

Again, I couldn't talk then because I feel he may say 'ha dem never marry her she dun de get attitude', now he's continued the same attitude. Yesterday, I made food for the house, dished his own, he ate and slept off when he woke up late in the night he went to my pot again and spoilt my dishing spoon in the process. meanwhile I have not dished out my husband's meal.

Coincidentally, my husband came in from work at that moment and I was going to the kitchen to serve him his meal when I saw him doing what I don't like. When he saw me he said 'this spoon dun spoil '. I kept quiet. I later discussed with my husband, told him that I am not happy with the way his brother is entering my kitchen anyhow n because I am someone that don't like keeping things in my mind I like saying it out to free myself. When I told my husband he said we will talk in the morning.

This morning, the first thing this brother in law of mine was to go straight to the kitchen to look for something to eat. This is someone that will eat and keep the dishes, whenever he is around I don't stay in the living room anymore, my room and my phone is my companion because we stay in a one bedroom flat for now. He's giving me this attitude of it's my brother's house so I can do as I please, when he comes back he expects me to greet him first. I am not saying he cannot stay but my main issue is that he is tempering with my kitchen and trying to flex muscles with me.

Pls how do I handle this issue with my husband amicably because up till now he hasn't said anything and it's bothering me?

Iwantpeace:
Sorry its a bit long. Its just that I don't like anything that will disturb the peace of my mind. And again I have been to their family house and I know he can't do that there then why is he doing it in my place here

My dear, many men would find it difficult to reprimand their siblings because of ordinary food, especially if the age difference between them is not much. It belittles the man and makes him look petty. I too will find it difficult to act in this situation. Your husband is also trying to protect u. He does not want a situation where his siblings will say u are wicked and want to starve them because u married their brother.

U need to look for creative ways to peacefully address this problem. Or u just endure until Ur BIL does something worse, that would make Ur husband act. If Na just food, my dear, he may not act ooo