FrLukas:


Hug a live transformer.

I wish I can lay my hands on you now.

Iwantpeace:
I Need Advice About My Brother Inlaw Attitude

Hello good morning Nairalanders. I have been a guest and a member of this forum for quite some time now. I have equally seen and learnt from the inputs of many issues brought here especially family one. So I decided to create this new account.

I am a new married woman, my marriage is barely 3 months. Before we got married I and my husband agreed that visitors will not stay longer than 2 weeks in our home. Although he begged me that his immediate younger brother whom has been staying with him will stay for a while or comes to stay with us anytime he is on holidays.

I reluctantly agreed just for peace to reign. He shuttles between our home and my SIL homes for now. To cut the long story short, prior to when we got married that I go visit my then fiancé, anytime I cook this guy is fond of dipping his hands into my pot of soup or food without asking me and this is what I am not comfortable with and I really don't like it. I have sister in law too and I have sisters too anytime I go visiting I don't dip my hands into their pot of food without their consent I see it as something disrespectful.

Again, I couldn't talk then because I feel he may say 'ha dem never marry her she dun de get attitude', now he's continued the same attitude. Yesterday, I made food for the house, dished his own, he ate and slept off when he woke up late in the night he went to my pot again and spoilt my dishing spoon in the process. meanwhile I have not dished out my husband's meal.

Coincidentally, my husband came in from work at that moment and I was going to the kitchen to serve him his meal when I saw him doing what I don't like. When he saw me he said 'this spoon dun spoil '. I kept quiet. I later discussed with my husband, told him that I am not happy with the way his brother is entering my kitchen anyhow n because I am someone that don't like keeping things in my mind I like saying it out to free myself. When I told my husband he said we will talk in the morning.

This morning, the first thing this brother in law of mine was to go straight to the kitchen to look for something to eat. This is someone that will eat and keep the dishes, whenever he is around I don't stay in the living room anymore, my room and my phone is my companion because we stay in a one bedroom flat for now. He's giving me this attitude of it's my brother's house so I can do as I please, when he comes back he expects me to greet him first. I am not saying he cannot stay but my main issue is that he is tempering with my kitchen and trying to flex muscles with me.

Pls how do I handle this issue with my husband amicably because up till now he hasn't said anything and it's bothering me?

Foolish woman. Since you're sure your brother in law attitude is bad, why do you have to wait till after marriage before correcting it. Why are you afraid of his family talking bad of you.

All you guys cherish is to be in charge of a man's house and send his families packing that's why you claimed he's flexing muscle with you. Go and get your house, he is in his brother's house and he has been living that way with him before you arrived. I still ask, why do you have to wait till after before you start complaining? If you don't have evil mind, and you're sure he's attitude is bad, why didn't you correct him earlier. If y0u had reported him then and you're right, your husband would have joined hand to chastise him, so why did you hide it till after marriage? Wicked people.

He is in his brother's house, allow him to live as he wants. If you don't like it, go back to you parents house.

1StopRudeness:
Mehn these are shallow, infinitesimal issues I personally feel if u ain’t the the classic “me and my husband alone kinda woman” this isn’t worth loosing ur peace over let alone creating a thread to rant

He went to the kitchen he ddnt tell me, ordinary food, did he eat everything and not leave any for u and ur husband??

he put the spoon somehow, the spoon is bend, it’s broken..... Spoon... as in ordinary 100naira spoon!!!

He wants me to greet him first..did he say so??...oh please! This is the lamest one...
what’s the big deal about saying hello and chatting when u see a person.

see, don’t get me wrong, I know we have different tolerance and organizing style as humans...and sometimes it sort of bothers some people more than normal when outsiders invade their space.....but these issues are so unimportant people will just say u are not accommodating at the end of the day.....

Madam let it go....a little accommodating spirit will make the issues u raised unimportant to you

Unless it’s really not about the spoons and pot of soup...if it’s probably because the guy isn’t allowing u moan as loud as u want or feel free in ur house with short skimpy clothes...just tell ur husband... I trust my guy.......

You dey mind the OP. I'll understand her plight on the ground of freedom, walking Naked around the house and make out anywhere she wants.

I love my privacy alot but my Real Niggas and Family can eat anything they want in my house it's no issue as long as my house is kept tidy i hate dirt.

sassysure:
Life especially marriage is all about compromising.
U compromise to win it all. How u handle food and house issues with your inlaws make or mar your union with them and your husband.

To me, you are contradicting yourself.

Remember that we are not talking about ourselves but the OP. She never said she didnt want him to come in. She said that if he's coming, he should excuse himself. Of course my door is always closed or locked wherever I am but I notice that not everybody does that.

Shes not the only one who owns that room. To him he is going to pick something from his elder brothers room which he has been doing since before they married her.

You wrote that women should stop doing "my food, my house" but you want her to be doing "my room".

You wrote a whole post about compromise and then advised the woman to go behind her husband and begin to lock doors in their house, when its clear that the brother-in-law hasnt been cautioned.

If you say she should lock her bedroom then you should also want her to lock her kitchen, isnt it Every time her husband doesnt do as she wants, she should rush and lock everywhere.

Thats not how to deal with people. If you have an issue with somebody you let them know. Its only if she tells him and he refuses to stop it that she will know that the issue has expanded and will begin to lock the door, because at that point it will have become a matter of disrespect rather than carelessness.

Iwantpeace:

no pls it's not all about that! do u know when I am not around this guy does whatever he likes at home.finish everything he sees. I just came back from the market now to look for what to cook later in the afternoon. I perceived smoke in the whole house, this guy has fried yam n ate all of it, washed the plate and left the others the way I saw it. as in from 8am -12pm he has eaten 2times not even minding if I have eaten once or not. haba!!

ma to be honest with you this is not an issue just start to be minding my own business you will stop seeing all these things

Ginaz:


That aspect you said it’s not nice to ask permission before he dishes food for himself is wrong . As big as I am, when I go out to visit my aunts or friends I do ask for permission to serve myself .

It’s totally wrong to be in someone’s house and not take permission to serve yourself no matter how familiar you are with the person . It’s called manner!!! cos you don’t know if the person hasn’t eaten or that is the last meal in the house at the moment or the food is being monitored so I could last some days.

It’s very disrespectful. What’s wrong in saying “can I serve something to eat?” When you go to a restaurant, you just don’t walk in there and go to the kitchen to pick whatever you want . You first of all make an order.

When you’re In someone’s house , coordinate yourself very well. Haba!!! The brother-in-law have bad manners. She should have corrected them earlier on than now .

His brother's house is not a restaurant. Know the difference. OP is making a mountain out of a molehill and I will never shy away from telling her the truth. That guy she is tempted to fight because of a plate of food may be one of the people that will resolve a major dispute between her and her hubby someday. And about the manners you are talking about, it is all Western and strange to us, it isn't our way. We don't fight relatives because of food.

cococandy:
I’m sorry I don’t know what to tell you. I’m trying to be sympathetic because you must be troubled to have brought it here.

The question is: Can he not eat when he’s hungry? Does he have to ask you first? If finance is the problem, Maybe ask your husband to discuss with him on how he can contribute. If he’s not in a financial position to contribute then that means you and your husband must provide for him while he’s there. In which case, only have guests that you can afford to care for.

I don’t think it’s nice to expect him to ask permission every time he’s hungry. Unless he’s a minor. And even then I wouldn’t do that. But it would be a bit more understandable since a minor might not be very hygienic in the kitchen and stuff like that.

Food is such an important aspect of life that I’d hate to restrict anyone’s access to it. I think he’d be more comfortable and at home if he can eat whenever he’s hungry without asking permission

thank you for this

Homeboiy:
Just tell us say the guy presence no de let u waka naked for house.

Food ah, God bless my mother, she hardly serve relatives food herself, she will tel u to go and dish the one u can finish ,.

Same here o. Everyone has access to my mama kitchen. Dish the 1 you can finish. My father's only rule be say no waste my food. Same will apply to my wife. Food is nothing abeg. You hear some women say nobody should enter my kitchen. Some will even tell you dont use that plate. Use another plate. It's my plate or my husband's own. Crazy

Uisce:
His lack of manners towards you didn't start today but while you were dating your husband. You should've spoken up then.

It appears he has no respect for you. Your husband should do the needful asap and put him in check since you're unable to speak up for yourself.

instead of advising her to find a job and be busy, u are talking about manners... No brother in law respect a seat at home wife.... Get that...

Foodqueen:
What this
U tolerated it during courtship and it becomes a norm when u married his brother.

U are one of those people that don't like husband relative. Madam, be more tolerance. At one time or the other I av my bro and sister in-law live with me though separate times.
I respect them alot and at the same time send them errand I will send my younger ones... All u have to do is just apply wisdom. They are no longer with me but the respect we av for each other is topnotch.

He won't be with you forever. So chillax.

My dear you deserve award for this comment, this is what makes many married women look like witch in a family, they think that the only one they can show love is their husband, so any other person is an outsider, if na your husband that went to the kitchen to fetch food will you complain?

Women.....
My pot of soup
My kitchen
My husband's house
My matrimonial bed
Wetin be all this my this my that.... Show the young boy love, care for him as your own. He's not an alien he is your family now. Maybe the young man have noticed that you are giving him attitude that's why he is giving you his middle finger too.
You never wanted him to be there in the first place and from what you posted, it's obvious you re just waiting to settle down before you show him your colour... Relax woman, non of this is important.

lozanni:


Most women are territorial beings by nature, especially when it comes to their Kitchen and bedrooms.
Your husband has to tell his brother to respect your privacy by not barging into your kitchen to take food without your consent.
The lady involved should give her husband some time to sort things out as he might not want to hurt either his wife or kid brother.

Majority are not.
This kitchen,bedroom stuffs are new to me, thanks to this forum.

What are u hiding in that bedroom that people won't enter?

When u are free with somebody, u express it.
(I would have screamed if the bro is displaying some unguarded manners and speech)
The lady in question isn't free with her brother in law.

What annoyed me was that she was faking it so she will be accepted into their house.
Now,she is now part of them, her true colour is surfacing.

U don't like something, express your displeasure and proffer an alternative.

Papanwamaikpe:
I wish I can lay my hands on you now.

You actually can.

Lie down on your bed or mat, whichever one you possess, then put your palms around your neck. Then pretending that you have your palms around MY neck, squeeze really hard and don't stop until I stop breathing where I am.

Give it a try. It works...sometimes.

utenwuson:
instead of advising her to find a job and be busy, u are talking about manners... No brother in law respect a seat at home wife.... Get that...

So when are you going to advice a grown adult to go rent a space of his own instead of sharing one-bedroom apartment with his brother and wife?

But wait oh...wetin I go go find inside my broda room if he is with his wife? Talkless of if he is not around?

americaninja1:
she talk say she naked. I sure say she no even dey around wen he picked it up. All dis excuse is just to paint d guy bad. And make us feel she’s d victim. When said said smoke filled d ause d previous post. Tut she was talking bout d guy smoking in d house nt until I read further. Nothing srs in all she said.

one day he will turn against u. encourage ur husband as well...

its either ur his brother's wife or their house maid.

My dear this situation is a tough one, as I have experienced this myself, but I tackled it from the moment it started. Just pray unto God for direction n talk to your in-law about. You never know dear.

Haba...

It's just food nau.

See the long story for only food.

Thought we're all becoming woke this 21st century... how come it's still considered a crime for a man to serve himself?

The guy is actually wrong and is not supposed to be a man. I have been visiting my brothers house before I found my foot but never enter kitchen. I can eat bread and akara but enter kitchen na lie. He should start to learn how to be independent. How to survive without looking up to a married woman for feeding. All men should endeavour to be hardworking so as to earn respect for themselves. He will still one day marry and he will understand more. He should respect his brothers wife.

cococandy:
I’m sorry I don’t know what to tell you. I’m trying to be sympathetic because you must be troubled to have brought it here.

The question is: Can he not eat when he’s hungry? Does he have to ask you first? If finance is the problem, Maybe ask your husband to discuss with him on how he can contribute. If he’s not in a financial position to contribute then that means you and your husband must provide for him while he’s there. In which case, only have guests that you can afford to care for.

I don’t think it’s nice to expect him to ask permission every time he’s hungry. Unless he’s a minor. And even then I wouldn’t do that. But it would be a bit more understandable since a minor might not be very hygienic in the kitchen and stuff like that.

Food is such an important aspect of life that I’d hate to restrict anyone’s access to it. I think he’d be more comfortable and at home if he can eat whenever he’s hungry without asking permission

So much wisdom! Chai!!!!

FrLukas:


So when are you going to advice a grown adult to go rent a space of his own instead of sharing one-bedroom apartment with his brother and wife?

lol... She saw they were comfortably living in peace before she agree to marry him, he won't stay there forever, it's a phase in his life and all the wife needs to do is love him like her own brother, so the only solution to this situation is to go find a job and don't be a seat at home wify... Gerrit?

Really

utenwuson:
lol... She saw they were comfortably living in peace before she agree to marry him, he won't stay there forever, it's a phase in his life and all the wife needs to do is love him like her own brother, so the only solution to this situation is to go find a job and don't be a seat at home wify... Gerrit?

I gerrit. She shouldn't be a sit at home wife, but the brother in law can be a sit at home brother.

Another thing I get is that this is probably a struggling couple living in a room and parlour.

For a marriage that is just 3 months old?

I think the brother should give them space and a little privacy abeg.

If it's me, I go dey shame sef. instead of marching into the kitchen like say I keep something there, I'll look at other alternatives.

All these my kitchen, my pot women sha. How do you do it, policing who goes into your kitchen and how much food they ate? I no fit o. When my SILs used to come spend time with us before they married, they were free to go into the kitchen to prepare or dish whatever they liked. Saved lazy me multiple trips to the kitchen

This is one of the cases where I'd like from the other side. I have a feeling this young man may not be as awful as she's portraying him. Anybody living in your home should be made as comfortable as possible expect you can't afford it. Madam Iwantpeace, all the issues you listed here are non-issue and can be resolved amicably without leading to rifts or grudges. Just have a dialogue with him maturedly. Set the boundaries without sounding condescending or dictatorial. Some of these things you are complaining over, he may not even see the wrong in them until you point it out to him. Your marriage is still very young, a lot of changes can still be made to your home without causing division between you and your in-laws

Iwantpeace:
I Need Advice About My Brother Inlaw Attitude

Hello good morning Nairalanders. I have been a guest and a member of this forum for quite some time now. I have equally seen and learnt from the inputs of many issues brought here especially family one. So I decided to create this new account.

I am a new married woman, my marriage is barely 3 months. Before we got married I and my husband agreed that visitors will not stay longer than 2 weeks in our home. Although he begged me that his immediate younger brother whom has been staying with him will stay for a while or comes to stay with us anytime he is on holidays.

I reluctantly agreed just for peace to reign. He shuttles between our home and my SIL homes for now. To cut the long story short, prior to when we got married that I go visit my then fiancé, anytime I cook this guy is fond of dipping his hands into my pot of soup or food without asking me and this is what I am not comfortable with and I really don't like it. I have sister in law too and I have sisters too anytime I go visiting I don't dip my hands into their pot of food without their consent I see it as something disrespectful.

Again, I couldn't talk then because I feel he may say 'ha dem never marry her she dun de get attitude', now he's continued the same attitude. Yesterday, I made food for the house, dished his own, he ate and slept off when he woke up late in the night he went to my pot again and spoilt my dishing spoon in the process. meanwhile I have not dished out my husband's meal.

Coincidentally, my husband came in from work at that moment and I was going to the kitchen to serve him his meal when I saw him doing what I don't like. When he saw me he said 'this spoon dun spoil '. I kept quiet. I later discussed with my husband, told him that I am not happy with the way his brother is entering my kitchen anyhow n because I am someone that don't like keeping things in my mind I like saying it out to free myself. When I told my husband he said we will talk in the morning.

This morning, the first thing this brother in law of mine was to go straight to the kitchen to look for something to eat. This is someone that will eat and keep the dishes, whenever he is around I don't stay in the living room anymore, my room and my phone is my companion because we stay in a one bedroom flat for now. He's giving me this attitude of it's my brother's house so I can do as I please, when he comes back he expects me to greet him first. I am not saying he cannot stay but my main issue is that he is tempering with my kitchen and trying to flex muscles with me.

Pls how do I handle this issue with my husband amicably because up till now he hasn't said anything and it's bothering me?

This is a delicate issue.

First reason is because you allowed your brother-in-law's behavior, which though might not be offensive to many commenters on the thread, is actually irresponsible and disrespectful, while still dating his brother. It's irresponsible and disrespectful because boundaries are part of life and living as if there are none means you'll be inconveniencing someone whether they're complaining or not. In this case you're complaining. Even if you didn't, there's something we all call "use your mind" in the street, which simply implies not taking undue advantage of friendship or relationship because the other person doesn't complain.

Second reason is that now that you are married to his brother, with the attitude you talked about, it's clear he expects you to even care less since you didn't complain earlier. If you don't handle your complain well now, it will raise concerns from in-laws if they are the types that don't believe their son deserves some breathing space with his own family.

Wisdom is profitable to direct

This is supposed to be an issue for your husband to address quickly before too much resentment sets in. He must however not present it as coming from you: he should call his brother and with a lot of love, make him understand that there's a way he expects him to behave in the house now that he is married. He should mentor him.

Handled with enough maturity, everyone should be happy and even closer in the end. But if hubby is the *scared of what family will think* type, then you have to have a warm heart-to-heart discussion with your brother inlaw. He's your brother too after all! Talk to him with love as a brother.

PS: I'm kinda horrified by many responses to this OP, responses which makes one think if people still got anything in their heads. I mean, how could people encourage irresponsibility in the name of claiming who should have more right in a new nuclear family. Nonsense!

madridguy:
You're a very honest woman for admitted he has been doing same thing before you married his brother.
To me this is where you got it wrong. So you think telling him to stop dipping his hand into your food may disqualify you from marrying his brother. Now saying it now will be like after my brother don marry her yanga don start.

Me as a person, wetin i no go gree 100 years time na today i go dey shout NO.

My suggestion, call the guy and talk to him in a calm manner and let him know you don't like seeing him inside your kitchen especially opening your pot of food/soup. Make sure your husband no dey when you go reason him.

God bless u for this,,,for me as a woman u need to be free with what ever dat happen in ur husband house especially wen it comes to the issue of food,,but u are not the one providing for the food now,,jst cook as much as u guys can eat and be satisfy cos inlaws from husband side can be annoying sometime fa when it comes to the issue of food

FrLukas:


I gerrit. She shouldn't be a sit at home wife, but the brother in law can be a sit at home brother.

Another thing I get is that this is probably a struggling couple living in a room and parlour.

For a marriage that is just 3 months old?

I think the brother should give them space and a little privacy abeg.

If it's me, I go dey shame sef. instead of marching into the kitchen like say I keep something there, I'll look at other alternatives.

Your response wan make me fall in love o! But first, I got to know ya S first!

I think the most thing that is a thorn on u is the fact that he deeps his hands in the pot of soup
In order to create peace while not put the pot of soup or whatever in a keylocker lets see maybe he will broke the keys

PrinceDangana:

God bless u for this,,,for me as a woman u need to be free with what ever dat happen in ur husband house especially wen it comes to the issue of food,,but u are not the one providing for the food now,,jst cook as much as u guys can eat and be satisfy cos inlaws from husband side can be annoying sometime fa when it comes to the issue of food

I don't think u understand the OP's plight: it's not about saving food! It's about the brother in law having minimum decency to understand that as a wife now, the kitchen belongs to her! It's no longer a "boy zone" where you enter and dish food anyhow, leave plates anyhow, or do whatever you like.

cococandy:
I’m sorry I don’t know what to tell you. I’m trying to be sympathetic because you must be troubled to have brought it here.

The question is: Can he not eat when he’s hungry? Does he have to ask you first? If finance is the problem, Maybe ask your husband to discuss with him on how he can contribute. If he’s not in a financial position to contribute then that means you and your husband must provide for him while he’s there. In which case, only have guests that you can afford to care for.

I don’t think it’s nice to expect him to ask permission every time he’s hungry. Unless he’s a minor. And even then I wouldn’t do that. But it would be a bit more understandable since a minor might not be very hygienic in the kitchen and stuff like that.

Food is such an important aspect of life that I’d hate to restrict anyone’s access to it. I think he’d be more comfortable and at home if he can eat whenever he’s hungry without asking permission

God bless you. This was exactly the part that irked me as painful as the situation might sound for OP. This is exactly the way I see monitoring someone's access to food. May God provide for us all.

I wan marry I wan marry I wan dance skelewu on my wedding day. You think say na joke? My own advice is short: If you get that guy sent packing you will regret it in future. Be patient, take him as friend & brother. My younger cousin is now the billionaire of the family, he stayed with his elder brother, brilliant but unfocused at that point. This guy was his brother's wife's movie & TV series buddy. He got married to the only lady that the woman approved. He settles the occasional disagreements between his brother & wife. That lady enjoys more than the guy's brother because of the bond. I know some people are naturally useless but remember, he won't stay with you forever.