₦airaland Forum

BlissB:
All I can say is to watch out for your kid, he/she should never feel your absence....
I really feel bad when a home is broken......
Because I'm from one and I don't wish it on anyone but then we should all do what makes us happy with due consideration....

Alright.
By the way, you've got a great ass. Whenever you wanna cheat on your partner, do not forget to remember me in your kingdom. I wouldn't mind tapping that couple of times.

Ybaby:
[s] The pain of an infidel
You can swear na money to look after your kids you no get.
Small Boy you are shameless[/s]

[img]https://s3/images/drinkRolleyes.gif[/img]
So much ignorance on this post

tunmiluabi:
My story is quite long, please run through with patience.

I married my wife about 11 years ago. By the way I am 46 years old. Before I married my wife, I was not doing well neither was my wife. She was working with a multinational company, earning an equivalent of N40,000. I had a small graphic design business after trying many times to find a good job. I looked for jobs and contracts without any respite. But At this this time, my wife's support was good and I did appreciate every bit of it. At lest we survived on the low...

As time went on, I got a job in one international corporate training company as a Statistics and Business Analysis Instructor, was earning about 90,000 naira. During the times before I got my job, we had accumulated debt and my new job provided us an opportunity to pay them up.

We decided we were going to save part of her salary every month for servicing the debt and save the rest for a rainy day. I was supposed to pay the rent and all other domestic bills, light, kids school fees etc.. Some time she helped with food/groceries. After sometime, she advised we move to a bigger apartment. We still had a daughter by then. I obliged and we did.

To cut the story short, after four years of working, the company folded up because of government policies and we were all laid off. This meant we had to prepare for the hard life ahead. It was hectic and devastating. Me being me, I took it with all sense of grace and hope things will be fine. But the more I thought about this the worse things got. One day out of curiosity I asked my wife if it would be nice to have another child and she advised it was not the best time. I understood and agreed. I then advised my wife if we could start a business and with some savings we had, maybe I could use it to enhance my former business, maybe things might be better this time. She did not show any interest. This time I discovered changes in my wife.

One day she asked me if she could use part of them money to do a course, honestly I was shocked but asked why she did not oblige to my own request. She said "its my money I can use it for whatever I want". My wife however did the course.

To cut the story short, 3 years down the line, my wife stopped having sex with me and this continued for a long time. I became like "shit in her eyes". I lost a bit of confidence though. she would wake me with insults and barrage of dirty words. Because of our child, I agreed to stay a home and try to work online and seek clients and jobs from old client. It was not bad but not promising.

Fortunately for us, my wife got a promotion and her salary was increased to about 170,000. This actually brought out the worst in my wife. Her calmness disappeared and all decorum was buried. We would quarrel everyday and not talk for weeks. She became really mean and controlled everything at home. Please note, she is not a bad woman but can't explain the reasons up till date. I was with no option but to query her sincerity as a wife and that continued for a long time. Our sex life became zero, she would tell me having sex would make her pregnant and was not ready for a second child. Her stories kept on changing and became even worse, rather than coming home she would pass by her mom and be there till late in the night before coming home.

After about 3 years of trying to get something to do, I finally got a place on the island sometime in February 2018, where I would be paid a stipend of 50,000. In addition, I would use my free time to design, print and sell business cards to small companies. The overall income was small but enough for some immediate obligations at home. But to be fair, that was the best I could get since I have not had money in a long time. Unfortunately my wages were not consistent due to challenges the company was facing. But I used the Business card printing to augment wherever possible.

Later in 2018 around September, I discovered that my wife had been having an illicit engagement. She had a male fried and I finally got to know about it and confronted her. She did not deny it, she begged and I forgave her. Anyway, I had made up my mind to forgive because of the kid and I never told anyone till date. Moreover, since we were not making love that was of course enough reason for the drastic measure, I told myself. To be sincere I had lost feeling for my wife and sex was difficult. We finally started having sex but I had little to offer her. I would pretend and even have to watch Indecency to be able to have sex with her. I was dead inside. At least my wife was still with me. That was my solace. I guess trust was broken. She however continued with her escapades. The quarrels increased and got worse. There and then name calling became our breakfast and dinner. She advised that since I would never look at her the same and bringing little or nothing to the table that I was free to go. The quarrels went on for quite some time, my wife will go very violent on me some of the times. I am marshal artist with black belt and I have great restraint - for me, fighting and going violent on her was never on the table. One day I thought there was a need to move out and I did indicated to her that I was not comfortable living with her anymore.. That wherever I am, I will see how I can take care of the kids.

She did not care and things became difficult for me. I felt maybe I could stay for sometime, It might be a difficult condition but still not impossible. This became my Achilles heels. There and then I knew my relationship had broken and irreparable. I accepted there was nothing I could, but to be patient and tried to convince myself about our situations and believed our situation was bad, but God’s willing we would overcome. The fight even got worse and became very violent and physical, I would normally just take the beating or hold her hands to avoid any injuries.

The quarrels was beginning to be in the glare of my Kids and since it was not abating, there was little I could do to change the situation. I finally made up my mind on the 19th of May 2019 to move out, but actually moved out on the 30th of May, 2019. Before then on the 26th of May, 2019, I discovered my wife was again engaging in the illicit affair. She would claim she was going to church only to be found at a different location. Honestly I can’t blame her, I blame myself and the situation that caused the demise of our once cherished marriage. At this point in time I realised I had lost and had no fight in me anymore. My kids are still very young. Everyday quarrels, lack of sincere engagement, denials upon denials and her fear of facing her “DEMON” with little chance of her understanding the consequence of her actions - I was left with no choice but to stop FIGHTING. I had no fight left in me. The ultimate decision was to leave. I did not inform her parent about the issue because I had indicated to her I did not want them to look at her differently.

God so good, I got a 500,000 Naira job through a friend in an oil company with a 3bedroon in Lekki fully paid up for 3years by the company. By the way, I am Data Analyst but never practiced for a long time. I studied Computer engineering but for a long time grace did not smile on me. I take care of my kid and I really don't hate her and I am at peace with everything. She still has her job and doing well.

Please note that she did not tell me to leave, I left on my own volition. I could not share the same bed with my wife anymore she apparently could not muster enough strength to stop all iniquities for a conversation that will help see things through. Rather she is turning to blame it on me. We have however resolved to part on a friendly note for the sake of our child.

My reason for posting this is because most us sit behind the desk and computers and do not understood the demons everyone is battling. On a bad day, the best husbands are MONSTER, while the best wives are DEVILS. When we make judgment as males or female. We should not forget about our female child/children, same goes for the male child. I don't know what my wife tells people about what happened but I really don't care and I have made up my mind never to defend myself.

Thanks for reading.

Tunmi

You are a man

Obingene:
Hian!!

Cold shivers ran down my spines as I read this.

I'm so not enthusiastic about marriage anymore.

You need to hear or listen to more successful stories because there are so many successful families/homes too.

Ybaby:
The ones who donot adher to roles open marital thread on Nairaland

Lol

MuttleyLaff:
[img]https://s3/images/drinkRolleyes.gif[/img]
So much ignorance on this post

Talika alagidi

MuttleyLaff:
[img]https://s3/images/drinkRolleyes.gif[/img]
So much ignorance on this post

I have a genius idea.

Try selling these your GIFs and pay some school fees - get some respect at home

NoToPile:
I am so sorry OP for what you had to go through may you find healing.


Things can go haywire in any marriage, one might have even married the best/right partner and things can still go wrong and it doesn't necessarily mean they didn't marry the right person.

I believe marriage requires lots of work and lots of prayers even if it was God that told us that partner is the best for us.

Does God specifically tell people who (the Person) to marry?
I know he acquiesces to people's proposal BUT does he really instruct who to marry?

How come we never saw this is in the Bible?

This is just an aside though but many people make this claim. The question now is if God specifically defines people to marry other people then those who have made wrong choices in life and then died, became really sick or mentally depraved have all "left" their God defined partners stranded. isn't it.

Or does God keep changing his mind— about 'the right partner' —when this happens.

Deep!!!!!

JustforMen:
I can relate to every single thing OP said herein, just that it did not go as bad as your own but same principle ni.
I did not loose my job but I took a loan to complete the house project I had started and my salary was just about 150k. The loan was a short tenure loan with very low interest (just 1%) from a cooperative we formed with some of my friends to help each other.
I needed to pay about half of my salary monthly for one year to settle the loan on schedule. Before then I had opened a shop for my wife because she did get a job after NYSC.
It is the money from the shop that I opened for her with my own hand that she used to show me pepper. My wife will buy things for herself and list as a debt in my name. She will say I owe her money for whatever she takes from the shop to use. And she will pester me for the payment to the extent of crying and insulting me if I don’t pay her the assumed debt.
The worse day for me was a fateful day when I returned home from work and for some reason I went straight to the kitchen to check for food- I never bother entering the kitchen by myself. I saw food with meat and all in the stew but when my wife brought the food for me she fished out all the meat in the soup and gave me empty food! I felt so terrible but I did not say a word about it. I went to check the meat I saw a few minutes earlier and they were all gone!
I just told myself that this will be my fate when things go bad for me and I silently swore, I will never be treated with such disdain.
Just for clarity, I am from a well to do home compared to her and if I had wanted my folks to be giving me money, it would have been nothing after all, the tradition in my home is to continually give money after marriage, for monthly upkeep even if you were making a million a month. But I refused the offer because I prefer to be my own man.
God helped my life and I got an excellent job as a consultant in southern Nigeria. The money was more than 10x what I was making as a lecturer in the university. I moved to Lagos to take up the role and left my wife in northern nigeria. I initially wanted to just abandon her and the marriage since all the love I had for her had died. I stayed in Lagos for close to year without going to see her and she was the one now begging me to come and stay with me.
I later changed my stand because I do respect her parents and will not want to divorce her and cause them pain. She later relocated to meet me in Lagos but things will forever never be the same. I don’t trust her anymore especially if something were to go wrong for me so I don’t involve her in my personal affairs but I take good care of her as a husband.

I remember what my late father use to say to me: “ You can only know if you have married a good person when you are old and retired. If the woman takes care of you then you made a good choice otherwise the earlier times do not prove.”

I am not advising anyone to do as I do with my wife but shine your eyes.
There is a reason why there are more old women than old men in every society and more land ladies than land lords after the man has spent all his useful life taking care of the wife and children he then becomes a persona non grata.
I try to be happy with her within acceptable ranges but I always look out for myself and plan my future accordingly. Never again will I be such a victim, never!

JustforMen:
I can relate to every single thing OP said herein, just that it did not go as bad as your own but same principle ni.
I did not loose my job but I took a loan to complete the house project I had started and my salary was just about 150k. The loan was a short tenure loan with very low interest (just 1%) from a cooperative we formed with some of my friends to help each other.
I needed to pay about half of my salary monthly for one year to settle the loan on schedule. Before then I had opened a shop for my wife because she did get a job after NYSC.
It is the money from the shop that I opened for her with my own hand that she used to show me pepper. My wife will buy things for herself and list as a debt in my name. She will say I owe her money for whatever she takes from the shop to use. And she will pester me for the payment to the extent of crying and insulting me if I don’t pay her the assumed debt.
The worse day for me was a fateful day when I returned home from work and for some reason I went straight to the kitchen to check for food- I never bother entering the kitchen by myself. I saw food with meat and all in the stew but when my wife brought the food for me she fished out all the meat in the soup and gave me empty food! I felt so terrible but I did not say a word about it. I went to check the meat I saw a few minutes earlier and they were all gone!
I just told myself that this will be my fate when things go bad for me and I silently swore, I will never be treated with such disdain.
Just for clarity, I am from a well to do home compared to her and if I had wanted my folks to be giving me money, it would have been nothing after all, the tradition in my home is to continually give money after marriage, for monthly upkeep even if you were making a million a month. But I refused the offer because I prefer to be my own man.
God helped my life and I got an excellent job as a consultant in southern Nigeria. The money was more than 10x what I was making as a lecturer in the university. I moved to Lagos to take up the role and left my wife in northern nigeria. I initially wanted to just abandon her and the marriage since all the love I had for her had died. I stayed in Lagos for close to year without going to see her and she was the one now begging me to come and stay with me.
I later changed my stand because I do respect her parents and will not want to divorce her and cause them pain. She later relocated to meet me in Lagos but things will forever never be the same. I don’t trust her anymore especially if something were to go wrong for me so I don’t involve her in my personal affairs but I take good care of her as a husband.

I remember what my late father use to say to me: “ You can only know if you have married a good person when you are old and retired. If the woman takes care of you then you made a good choice otherwise the earlier times do not prove.”

I am not advising anyone to do as I do with my wife but shine your eyes.
There is a reason why there are more old women than old men in every society and more land ladies than land lords after the man has spent all his useful life taking care of the wife and children he then becomes a persona non grata.
I try to be happy with her within acceptable ranges but I always look out for myself and plan my future accordingly. Never again will I be such a victim, never!

Be happy you were able to know her early enough, some men dont learn this till they go broke or have major financial losses, only to discover their wife who should be a source of comfort is a source of pain, leading to more health issues and sometimes death

As for old age, everyman should learn to plan for that, dont bank on your wife or even kids bn dere for you. Also try to show great love to your kids, let your involvement and sacrifice be clear to them, attend school events, drive them physically to do shopping communicate with them and let them know what you do....dont do things for them through your wife...let your love be visible to the point she cant erase it in their head

My greatest fear is seeing the person u kwn turning into a monster in ur very eyes. what a deep world

Ybaby:
Afi pontificating noh

I have learnt that men who are lazy to provide will look for all other sides of the issue.

O ba yin lo.... all these big grammer just so you don't pay your own child's school fees.

It is well

All these should be in a well-planned setting. Nigeria has rough economy and enormous corruption - men and women are all in it. Maduka Coscharis' son cannot be equaled with an average Joe. Unless you want men to do anything to even out.

In the western world, folks gather stuff to get together and stuff. If or When things go south, all men to their tents.

I guess you'd rather want single women to age out in spinsterhood or babymamaing.

zeb04:
.your story is almost like mine.(except there was no violence).

We didn't have financial challenges but by the second year, we were practically quarreling almost every week.

My husband stopped showing affection so i resulted to getting it someplace. Every time he sees my chat with those guys, it made him so angry but well to me he wasn't showing affection or attention either so I continued.

Anyways finally, we decided to go our separate ways. I never called, blocked his mum and everyone out of my life. I was angry because I felt,if only he treated me how I wanted to be treated then ........

He was angry because why can't my wife just stop chatting with this people.

It took 6 months seperation to realise that I wanted my marriage backk. But in that time, I realized that no matter now much you date before marriage,marriage and life still bring their own problems.

Most issues in marriage will be sorted out if we react with peace and love.

Everyone has baggage, since you know of your partner's short coming, see a counselor,sort them out.

The next spouse(we day dream of and glorify in our head) still has their own issues. You wouldn't know until you marry them.

God will never do the work in our marriage. Even he brings the next person, you will still have to weed the grass,sow the seed, harvest it. (You will still have to work on that marriage).

Take this time apart and just REST, then evaluate your marriage and see if there is any Window of opportunity to make it work.

You are a very funny being for blaming your husband over your act of infidelity!

I put it to you that you cheated not because your husband stopped showing you affection but because you are loosed and unfaithful. A virtuous woman will remain virtuous even in the face of challenges but a loosed and strange woman will always default and pin the blame on a third person! His dumping you is a welcome development!

Thanks for this write up sir, I salute you sir for your maturity and approach to life issues, I’ve learnt one or two things from your story at the same time am a-bit scared for this thing called marriage. May God direct us all Amen

Beautifully written!

better u oga thank God u knew wen to quit and u walked away gracefully and upon all that God smiled on u and u are doing well not all stories have such happy endings. a low life will always remain a low life no matter the packaging imagine i am in a relationship with this guy i was practically paying his bills n he was paying his girlfriends bills you get, to cut the story short left me with bills that i am still paying and his said girlfriend with even bigger bills and till date he is no where to be found. I assume he is going to another woman to perch on an ungrateful parasite and a low down thief.

bmdmixer:
this is just the issue with lot of women, when dey start earning more than d man they start feeling like small smelling gods

Lmao! @small smelling gods!

Why are people like this?

dapadawee:
she is responsible for some of the fraudulent activity on nairaland she sells data for her victim her name is OKONYE BLESSING

Gamboh55:
I can't believe such is coming from a lady. With this mentality, you will surely have a good home and may God give u a man worthy of u.

Amen

listowell:
All these should be in a well-planned setting. Nigeria has rough economy and enormous corruption - men and women are all in it. Maduka Coscharis' son cannot be equaled with an average Joe. Unless you want men to do anything to even out.

In the western world, folks gather stuff to get together and stuff. If or When things go south, all men to their tents.

I guess you'd rather want single women to age out in spinsterhood or babymamaing.

That your last line is a foolish threat.

They donot have to settle for low par men so they can be married - the ones that did are opening thread or maltreating the men

They can go online and meet men from other climes - the world is a global village but I will never subscribe to abhoring infidel

About Cosmas Maduka ..... I love that Nnewi small god.... what a man!! no formal education - no father to cater for him - he could not read or write but with faith he changed his story and today you can mention his son.

Do not deny faith and end up as an infidel or if you already have kids you are not providing let me know o so I can call you an infidel

PrimadonnaO:
Not taking sides, but you didn’t understand what she’s been on about.

Joining resources is perfectly normal. She’s talking about situations where the man doesn’t provide financially at all! The family surviving on the woman’s toil.

Such a man is the “worse than an infidel” the Bible talks about.

I never said anywhere in my quote that a man should be feeding off the woman and that's why I cited the examples that I did.
From my first quote of her, she even referred to me as an infidel.
Her mentality is that a man should be "solely"(100%) responsible for providing for the family which I don't think is wrong if it is possible.
But to her, the bible says so.
Times have changed and marriage is a partnership. Planning for the future with your spouse is the best thing that can happen in a marriage. Both parties feel they belong together.
When mutual understanding and respect are involved, the sky is the limit.
What do I know sef?
You can check where I quoted her and her responses too.
Thank you.

Vyolet:
Everytime a woman leaves a poor man or reacts badly to him, the man always end up having a well paying job and the woman always want to come back...
Op, you forgot to write the part where she is willing to come back and live with you in Lekki .

I doubt it's Everytime. Not every man is able to turn his fortunes back around and not every woman leaves her husband when he's down

Ybaby:
Ask the bible...

I must confess that you are extremely irritating and boring. You kept talking about infidels and Bible since yesterday. Are you not creative at all? Can't you think of another way to approach people's response to you? I'm sorry to say this, but you are not bright at all.

Yustash001:
Why is that when some women suddenly become richer than their husband...
They start to develop wings..

This happens in vast majority of marriages especially in our clime.
It goes to prove that money is what most women marry for and not love contrary to what they say.
Once a man loses his earning money and his wife starts to earn more, his overall value in the wife's eye gradually depreciates from 8/10 -6/10 -3/10 and finally 0/10 depending how long he remains under, she starts to sleep with other men while making excuses for not having sex with her husband.

Preferito:
I must confess that you are extremely irritating and boring. You kept talking about infidels and Bible since yesterday. Are you not creative at all? Can't you think of another way to approach people's response to you? I'm sorry to say this, but you are not bright at all.

infidel

If u find out very well she still pays the other guys bills instead to bear the trying times of her husband.

You are a rare gem. May God bless you and family abundantly. Eight good years! You are wonderful. Your husband will ever be grateful having you.

nwaimoroseyaho:
There is nothing new here that I have not seen before. It happens in Every marriage where the wife is the bread winner. Your wife is not a bad woman, she was in a bad situation. When only one person is virtually running the family is tiresome, and depressing.
I have been in your wife's shoes feeding my family for 8years, I couldn't even afford undies and I was a banker.
In my own case I never cheated but I was depressed and people around me didn't help matters at all.
I eventually lost the job but God helped my husband. Today I don't struggle anymore, my husband foots the bill.
Plz if you can still mend things by seeing a pastor or counsellor, it will help bring back the old flame.

/
That's a good read especially for those giving advice after three years of marriage because big challenges haven't shown up yet.


/

What a story, what a world we live in.

Op you are a good writer.

PrimadonnaO:
Lmao! @small smelling gods!

irritating ja re

Wiifesnatcher:
nothing scary about marriage dude


if you read the Op post, you will see all his errors and blames. I don't know why men feel inferior for ladies because of their financial status and conditions

ladies are like dogs, the day you start to fear dogs, the day you turned dogs into a beast


and let me correct some men impression, no be everything be collective, you can plan with your woman but your decision must not be 50:50, Her opinion must not influence your decision as a man and that's where the ego of Op's wife grew out from


should I burst your bubble? the guy man that's smashing Op's wife might not even have a financial stand reach Op level, the fúcker might just have some rare Guts that his wife fell in love with


men with no guts don't have the mental capacity to handle a relationship, not to talk of marriage. I'm not married yet o but I know the in&out of ladies, 88% of ladies dominated my friends


guys should wake up to build their guts, money is not enough credentials to husband a lady, you need gut, money and dick

Why are you contradicting yourself? You should have removed money nau! Just say guts and dick, and then boldly get married, let’s see how you’ll fare.

femi4:
Just because of one mismanagement up there. If water kill your child....will you stop drinking water

Your analogy is not consistent.

Water(clean/purified) would never kill anyone (drinking I mean). It's also much easier to examine water cleanliness than to assess a perfect partner.

Most marriages today are barely thriving. and that is a real cause for concern especially the fact that there's nothing you can do ALONE to guide against this. It takes 2.