₦airaland Forum

Vevejoy:
Plesse forget the errors and focus on the content.

So here's my issue.

I've been married for 6yrs and it's been a blissful journey- of course with minor issues here and there but nothing to worry about until May 5th 2020 when I'd say things turned upside down.

We live abroad and struggled to have kids but God finally blessed us with a beautiful daughter in Sept 2019. Child care being super expensive here, we wanted one of our moms to come help us with the baby when I return to work after my maternity leave. So on the eve of our wedding anniversary which was the 4th of May last year, I asked my husband for the say 10th time about beginning the procedure of bringing a mom over to help since I'll be returning to work. He asked which mom and I said in my exact words; "of course my mom" because I know that when a woman gives birth, her mom usually go to help her. Did that change our story? My God, marriage has been one hell of a thing since that day.

My husband said I am selfish, disrespectful, and want to dominate him. He said things will never be the same again and since then, my marriage has been a stress zone.

My husband is numb to my feelings. He's been ignoring me, I've been a nag I'll admit since tue incident last year. I now talk alot and mostly complain about everything whenever we are together. It's sad and I've actually had conversations with myself to ignore him and stop nagging but I continue to do it, I need help on how to shut up and observe.

I can cry from now to die kingdom come and this man wouldn't be moved. He cannot shift his stance because of me at all. He does whatever he likes and disregard everything I say. E.g before this crisis, we had an appointment to see our Dr to start trying for baby number two because the Dr's advised that since we just had a baby, it's best to try for another soonest given that we had challenges conceiving the first one. This man cancelled the appointment with our Dr and has blatantly refused to start trying for a baby right now. He says when the time comes he'll let me know. Up till now the time has not come despite the fact that delaying may impact our chance of conceiving again. What a life!� � �.

Also, he has decided that no parent will come and I'm back to work already. My poor baby who use to sleep till 9am now suffer in this winter getting up at 6am to be dropped off at daycare all because her father is angry and want to make sure he doesn't do anything that will make his wife smile. He'll rather spend thorns of money paying for daycare even after I've told him that I don't mind his mom coming. Mind u, I have a very good relationship with my inlaws, especially my mom inlaw so it's not an inlaw fight.

The worst of them all is that despite living abroad for 17yrs, this man believes so much in native doctors to the extend that I can't even explain. Infact it's something that I've always fought him about and talked against. I've even complained about it to his family. And guess what, when I talk against, he tells his native drs who of course has ignited the fire in our home. Can you believe that in this chaos this man took me on a vacation in August last year that he wanted to clear his mind so we can start a new chapter and be happy again only to tell me that I have been trying to use a charm on him in the past months thats why things got rough. He said the 3 women I am using appeared to him but he is stronger ����. I am laughing because I felt pity and ashamed for him. How can a grown man be this vulnerable to suitsayers? I have never in my entire life visited a native doctor for myself not to talk of going to take a charmI didn'tvisit the native drs when I was strugglingto have a baby and this man thinks I'llvisit one now to charm him. Wondering y he will even believe such a thing. Infact I don't even know any native doctor. So when he said that, I told him that if I had known that his change of attitude is because of this stupid reason, I would not have fought for my marriage like I did. Of course I got so mad and told him a piece of my mind. I am even ashamed of telling people that despite this man's exposure he consults native Dr's in Africa more than even the people in Africa. Infact if they say yes that's what he listens to. He has even paid a flight from here to Africa because a native Dr told him that his dad who raised him to be the man he is today is trying to kill him and he should come for protection.

I decided to tell his mom about the accusation. His mom told me she scolded at him and warned him never to say such nonsense. Well I just pity him and I'm praying for him. But truth is I regret my marriage to him because of these his believes. I just don't believe in divorce and don't even have the heart to move out I would have done so. Mind u, I am 100% independent so it's not an issue of being scared of surviving alone.

Well one Sunday night as usual I talked to him like crazy and he said "all he wants is for our relationship to work and he will put in his best effort with support from me. I said I want same and will put in my best effort with support from him too*. This happened around september and things have been like normal on and off since then.

I have a few worries which I'd like you to advise me on the way forward.
- My husband is heartless. No matter how I lament, cry, beg, approach him nicely. Infact no matter the manner in which I bring up an issue to him, he doesn't get moved at all. He stays on his stance and doesn't care. How am I suppose to live with a man like this. He goes mute when I try having a conversation with him.

- I have a weakness of talking alot which I acknowledge and I'm doing my best to work on it though I'm yet to change completely. But I can say there's a huge improvement. Infact I'm able to walk away now.

Can a marriage really work out out without a compromise from both parties? I feel like I am compromising alot but this man is doing whatever he likes. In all of these he doesn't cheat but has abused me physically 4times in our 6yrs of marriage which I'm still pained about. The worst abuse right now is emotional abuse and I've told him so several times.

We use to be an exemplary and happy couple up till this may 2020. What will you do in a situation like mine With? With a man like my husband who I'd say lacks empathy and a concience how do I deal with him? His mom said she talked to him but I don't see any difference.

I feel miserable right now in my marriage. Since I got married this is our hardest hit and unfortunately it got prolonged probably bc of his native Dr's who told him I am using a charm on him which he believed.


Help me out please

wendixx:
Hi dear,

From your write up I see you have a good heart. You will be fine. It's ok to be frustrated at the turn of events, who wouldn't be? However, don't dwell on it. Worrying over things you can't change will even get you more worked up.

In marriage we fall in and out of love with our partners many times. At times we feel like strangling them, at other ties we are all lovey-dovey, so just relax although with your eyes and ears open. To control your over talking as you said, just take a deep breath when you feel like over talking and bite your lips, try it, it works.

About the native doctors he visits, don't talk again to him about it, rather talk to GOD about it. Everyday and night ask God to sever their relationship and open his eyes of understanding. What God cannot do does not exist, and he is even able to give new hearts to men and pierce even the hardest of hearts, WOW!! ( Eze 36:26, Heb 4:12).

You will be amazed at the turn of events and you wouldn't even have to lift a finger or your voice to get him to dance to your tune (talking from personal experience). Think happy thoughts and be positive. This is just a phase and it will pass soon. God bless you

britiko:
Dear Op,
this is so long, I feel your pain and I'm glad you are able to express your feelings.

I understand your anxiety about having a second child immediately most especially after struggling to have the first. trying for a child in itself is emotionally draining and could be cost-intensive depending on your location. Your husband might not yet recover from the emotional stress of the first one, so just let him relax. I also understand ur anxiety might be from the perspective of age not being on ur side or you approaching menopause.
but in all, please be calm and commit your heart desires to God. Good thing you still do have regular sex, in some marriages resentment might av set in and sex wouldn't happen. And its okay to want a second child even if you regret ur marriage at the moment. God forbid, if the marriage doesn't work on the long run, you have ur kids for same man rather than hopping around and you can concentrate on urself and kids. I will advice you try all methods and medications you used in conceiving the first except if it was thru IVF, then u require medical assistance which is emotionally draining in itself so understand your husband and just pet and pray with him.

As regards child care, let the matter rest since he's paying the bills. Your baby will be fine. just ensure the childcare is licensed. I understand the peace of mind you have knowing your child is with a trusted adult but you know, let it go for peace to reign.
Childcare is crazily expensive in Canada most esp Ontario and a child ur age will pay close to 1500cad per month and people are able to save by bringing in one of the moms to assist. The worst thing is you won't qualify for a child care subsidy if you have a household income of over $55,000. and that d part most people don't understand. Childcare benefit isn't relevant if you earn well as it's favourable to low-income earners.

Also, you preferring your mom to come over is okay. Every lady feels free around their mom than MIL which could be due to vulnerability after childbirth, and usually, the moms take turns. However, it seems your husband doesn't feel free around your mum hence, his resistance. Yes, u might av a good relationship with his family but what is ur mums relationship to him? And why does he think you are dominating over him? do you always force your decisions over him?

I would attribute, your nagging as a coping mechanism since you said you began nagging after the incidence. This feeling is valid and okay. You cant be living as couples and your partner is mute to ur discussions all in the name of avoiding trouble and you guys end up sweeping issues under the carpet without resolving them. And him getting physical 4 times in the last 6 yrs is a NO-NO. He should learn to keep his hands to himself and talk as an adult. You guys need a marriage counsellor before things get out of hand. Your benefits at work should cover this expense or pay from your pocket for your own sanity. Please seek for help. You need someone to vent to and express urself to. And stop reporting him to his mom/ third party, it's obvious they have no hold or he has no reference for them.

Being emotionally abused is worse than physical abuse. You need to be in the right frame of mind to take care of your child before you start transferring aggression to the baby, God forbid. Please seek counselling.(Not church counselling o) Family service counselling will be better.

As regards him being numb to ur feelings and not caring, please put a trusted friend on speed dial for emergencies. I just hope u don't fall into medical distress whereby you are groaning and moaning and he ignores you. Yorubas say " bi a ban ja kin see bi ka ku"... (meaning even if we are fighting it's not up to the level of death). Abeg, secure urself. You need a friend, preferably a disciplined female friend that will honour ur secrets but you can feel vulnerable with. meaning you can cry, talk and relieve pent up emotions without being judged. also, this person can pray along with you. it could be a sibling. you cant be an island, we always need a shoulder to lean on.

As regards the native doctors, I'm assuming you knew he was into this stuff before you got married but you were less concerned due to reasons best known to you or you were hoping he would change. You cant change an adult, you can only tolerate. The bible says can two work together except they agree? and what relationship has light got to do with darkness? You guys are definitely not on same level faith wise and I'm scared his native doctors don't turn around to tell him you are after his life and he tries to kill you. He believes these people and will always act according to their instructions. This to me is very serious and deadly.

In conclusion, please seek help from a specialist (a marriage counsellor). You husband has pent up issues that he needs to divulge to a counsellor.
If things don't improve, you might need to separate for a while to give yourselves enough time and space away from each other to reevaluate your marriage. Please note that separation isn't the same as divorce. It's better to leave so you can live for your child. May the Lord guide you through this thing called marriage.


Shalom!!!

Sixfeetbelle:
Was it not about omugwo visit she made in her post?

If not, then a nanny can stay with the kid nah. Why even bother inviting their mother over? Even I wouldn't invite my mother or my mother-in-law to come be the nanny.

DavidEsq:
U see what I was saying? It's a good thing u didn't dispute the truth of failing WAEC.

Liposure:
ah! My sister that is not true oh. According to my bible in ephesians 5, wives must Submit first. Unless its not the same bible we are reading

Vevejoy:
Wow! You committed your time to this and I can't thank u enough.
We are based in Ontario so u bet how much we are spending on childcare. That's sorted out though bc I've concluded that my mom will only ever come here after his must have come and gone. I've told him this so whenever he decides, his mommy can come.

I appreciate everything u said.
Thank you!

Vevejoy:
Thank you!

DoubleEngine007:
At first,I thought you were an adult. But from the way you've been communicating with me,it shows otherwise .I won't qoute you anymore ,so that you can stop exhibiting your stupidity here.

Sixfeetbelle:
Actually, the same Ephesians chapter 5 in that Bible says to submit to each other, but I'm sure you've never seen that verse.

Vevejoy:
Sound impossible but it's the reality. Thanks for attempting to read. �

Sixfeetbelle:
Omugwo of three months is what you're dragging here bikonu? Omugwo that is like tourist visa? Hia. Umu nwoke

emerged01:
In Yorubaland,it is the mother of the husband that will come over. Except if the mother in-law is not healthy or late that the mother of the wife will come. I think one of the reasons is that anything traditional that needs to be done on the child should be from the family of the husband not the wife.

234dm8:
Why are you painting your husband so black in order to gain public sympathy?

I don’t believe this your tale by moonlight until I hear from your husband’s side.

Moreover you are so disrespectful for referring to your husband as “This man”

NoToPile:
Really? Where in Yorubaland? There's no rule to it in Yorubaland.

Ukeme8:
Is that all you can say? Rubbish

KingNom:
Congratulations on Your Baby Girl!

Pls get, study and Diligently apply the knowledge in this Book 'HOW TO MAKE YOUR FAITH WORK' by Pastor Chris Oyakhilome! You'll see wonders afterwards!

Be strong dear!

DavidEsq:
For where? He would never see it. These are the lots that Romans 10:2-3 talk about, as seeking to launch their own brand of righteousness

markstone84:
The only thing I can coin is if he were really consulting native doctors then your husband must be a traditionalist and tradition demands the mother inlaw should be the one for omugo

Vevejoy:
Plesse forget the errors and focus on the content.

So here's my issue.

I've been married for 6yrs and it's been a blissful journey- of course with minor issues here and there but nothing to worry about until May 5th 2020 when I'd say things turned upside down.

We live abroad and struggled to have kids but God finally blessed us with a beautiful daughter in Sept 2019. Child care being super expensive here, we wanted one of our moms to come help us with the baby when I return to work after my maternity leave. So on the eve of our wedding anniversary which was the 4th of May last year, I asked my husband for the say 10th time about beginning the procedure of bringing a mom over to help since I'll be returning to work. He asked which mom and I said in my exact words; "of course my mom" because I know that when a woman gives birth, her mom usually go to help her. Did that change our story? My God, marriage has been one hell of a thing since that day.

My husband said I am selfish, disrespectful, and want to dominate him. He said things will never be the same again and since then, my marriage has been a stress zone.

My husband is numb to my feelings. He's been ignoring me, I've been a nag I'll admit since tue incident last year. I now talk alot and mostly complain about everything whenever we are together. It's sad and I've actually had conversations with myself to ignore him and stop nagging but I continue to do it, I need help on how to shut up and observe.

I can cry from now to die kingdom come and this man wouldn't be moved. He cannot shift his stance because of me at all. He does whatever he likes and disregard everything I say. E.g before this crisis, we had an appointment to see our Dr to start trying for baby number two because the Dr's advised that since we just had a baby, it's best to try for another soonest given that we had challenges conceiving the first one. This man cancelled the appointment with our Dr and has blatantly refused to start trying for a baby right now. He says when the time comes he'll let me know. Up till now the time has not come despite the fact that delaying may impact our chance of conceiving again. What a life!� � �.

Also, he has decided that no parent will come and I'm back to work already. My poor baby who use to sleep till 9am now suffer in this winter getting up at 6am to be dropped off at daycare all because her father is angry and want to make sure he doesn't do anything that will make his wife smile. He'll rather spend thorns of money paying for daycare even after I've told him that I don't mind his mom coming. Mind u, I have a very good relationship with my inlaws, especially my mom inlaw so it's not an inlaw fight.

The worst of them all is that despite living abroad for 17yrs, this man believes so much in native doctors to the extend that I can't even explain. Infact it's something that I've always fought him about and talked against. I've even complained about it to his family. And guess what, when I talk against, he tells his native drs who of course has ignited the fire in our home. Can you believe that in this chaos this man took me on a vacation in August last year that he wanted to clear his mind so we can start a new chapter and be happy again only to tell me that I have been trying to use a charm on him in the past months thats why things got rough. He said the 3 women I am using appeared to him but he is stronger ����. I am laughing because I felt pity and ashamed for him. How can a grown man be this vulnerable to suitsayers? I have never in my entire life visited a native doctor for myself not to talk of going to take a charmI didn'tvisit the native drs when I was strugglingto have a baby and this man thinks I'llvisit one now to charm him. Wondering y he will even believe such a thing. Infact I don't even know any native doctor. So when he said that, I told him that if I had known that his change of attitude is because of this stupid reason, I would not have fought for my marriage like I did. Of course I got so mad and told him a piece of my mind. I am even ashamed of telling people that despite this man's exposure he consults native Dr's in Africa more than even the people in Africa. Infact if they say yes that's what he listens to. He has even paid a flight from here to Africa because a native Dr told him that his dad who raised him to be the man he is today is trying to kill him and he should come for protection.

I decided to tell his mom about the accusation. His mom told me she scolded at him and warned him never to say such nonsense. Well I just pity him and I'm praying for him. But truth is I regret my marriage to him because of these his believes. I just don't believe in divorce and don't even have the heart to move out I would have done so. Mind u, I am 100% independent so it's not an issue of being scared of surviving alone.

Well one Sunday night as usual I talked to him like crazy and he said "all he wants is for our relationship to work and he will put in his best effort with support from me. I said I want same and will put in my best effort with support from him too*. This happened around september and things have been like normal on and off since then.

I have a few worries which I'd like you to advise me on the way forward.
- My husband is heartless. No matter how I lament, cry, beg, approach him nicely. Infact no matter the manner in which I bring up an issue to him, he doesn't get moved at all. He stays on his stance and doesn't care. How am I suppose to live with a man like this. He goes mute when I try having a conversation with him.

- I have a weakness of talking alot which I acknowledge and I'm doing my best to work on it though I'm yet to change completely. But I can say there's a huge improvement. Infact I'm able to walk away now.

Can a marriage really work out out without a compromise from both parties? I feel like I am compromising alot but this man is doing whatever he likes. In all of these he doesn't cheat but has abused me physically 4times in our 6yrs of marriage which I'm still pained about. The worst abuse right now is emotional abuse and I've told him so several times.

We use to be an exemplary and happy couple up till this may 2020. What will you do in a situation like mine With? With a man like my husband who I'd say lacks empathy and a concience how do I deal with him? His mom said she talked to him but I don't see any difference.

I feel miserable right now in my marriage. Since I got married this is our hardest hit and unfortunately it got prolonged probably bc of his native Dr's who told him I am using a charm on him which he believed.


Help me out please

Vevejoy:
Plesse forget the errors and focus on the content.

So here's my issue.

I've been married for 6yrs and it's been a blissful journey- of course with minor issues here and there but nothing to worry about until May 5th 2020 when I'd say things turned upside down.

We live abroad and struggled to have kids but God finally blessed us with a beautiful daughter in Sept 2019. Child care being super expensive here, we wanted one of our moms to come help us with the baby when I return to work after my maternity leave. So on the eve of our wedding anniversary which was the 4th of May last year, I asked my husband for the say 10th time about beginning the procedure of bringing a mom over to help since I'll be returning to work. He asked which mom and I said in my exact words; "of course my mom" because I know that when a woman gives birth, her mom usually go to help her. Did that change our story? My God, marriage has been one hell of a thing since that day.

My husband said I am selfish, disrespectful, and want to dominate him. He said things will never be the same again and since then, my marriage has been a stress zone.

My husband is numb to my feelings. He's been ignoring me, I've been a nag I'll admit since tue incident last year. I now talk alot and mostly complain about everything whenever we are together. It's sad and I've actually had conversations with myself to ignore him and stop nagging but I continue to do it, I need help on how to shut up and observe.

I can cry from now to die kingdom come and this man wouldn't be moved. He cannot shift his stance because of me at all. He does whatever he likes and disregard everything I say. E.g before this crisis, we had an appointment to see our Dr to start trying for baby number two because the Dr's advised that since we just had a baby, it's best to try for another soonest given that we had challenges conceiving the first one. This man cancelled the appointment with our Dr and has blatantly refused to start trying for a baby right now. He says when the time comes he'll let me know. Up till now the time has not come despite the fact that delaying may impact our chance of conceiving again. What a life!� � �.

Also, he has decided that no parent will come and I'm back to work already. My poor baby who use to sleep till 9am now suffer in this winter getting up at 6am to be dropped off at daycare all because her father is angry and want to make sure he doesn't do anything that will make his wife smile. He'll rather spend thorns of money paying for daycare even after I've told him that I don't mind his mom coming. Mind u, I have a very good relationship with my inlaws, especially my mom inlaw so it's not an inlaw fight.

The worst of them all is that despite living abroad for 17yrs, this man believes so much in native doctors to the extend that I can't even explain. Infact it's something that I've always fought him about and talked against. I've even complained about it to his family. And guess what, when I talk against, he tells his native drs who of course has ignited the fire in our home. Can you believe that in this chaos this man took me on a vacation in August last year that he wanted to clear his mind so we can start a new chapter and be happy again only to tell me that I have been trying to use a charm on him in the past months thats why things got rough. He said the 3 women I am using appeared to him but he is stronger ����. I am laughing because I felt pity and ashamed for him. How can a grown man be this vulnerable to suitsayers? I have never in my entire life visited a native doctor for myself not to talk of going to take a charmI didn'tvisit the native drs when I was strugglingto have a baby and this man thinks I'llvisit one now to charm him. Wondering y he will even believe such a thing. Infact I don't even know any native doctor. So when he said that, I told him that if I had known that his change of attitude is because of this stupid reason, I would not have fought for my marriage like I did. Of course I got so mad and told him a piece of my mind. I am even ashamed of telling people that despite this man's exposure he consults native Dr's in Africa more than even the people in Africa. Infact if they say yes that's what he listens to. He has even paid a flight from here to Africa because a native Dr told him that his dad who raised him to be the man he is today is trying to kill him and he should come for protection.

I decided to tell his mom about the accusation. His mom told me she scolded at him and warned him never to say such nonsense. Well I just pity him and I'm praying for him. But truth is I regret my marriage to him because of these his believes. I just don't believe in divorce and don't even have the heart to move out I would have done so. Mind u, I am 100% independent so it's not an issue of being scared of surviving alone.

Well one Sunday night as usual I talked to him like crazy and he said "all he wants is for our relationship to work and he will put in his best effort with support from me. I said I want same and will put in my best effort with support from him too*. This happened around september and things have been like normal on and off since then.

I have a few worries which I'd like you to advise me on the way forward.
- My husband is heartless. No matter how I lament, cry, beg, approach him nicely. Infact no matter the manner in which I bring up an issue to him, he doesn't get moved at all. He stays on his stance and doesn't care. How am I suppose to live with a man like this. He goes mute when I try having a conversation with him.

- I have a weakness of talking alot which I acknowledge and I'm doing my best to work on it though I'm yet to change completely. But I can say there's a huge improvement. Infact I'm able to walk away now.

Can a marriage really work out out without a compromise from both parties? I feel like I am compromising alot but this man is doing whatever he likes. In all of these he doesn't cheat but has abused me physically 4times in our 6yrs of marriage which I'm still pained about. The worst abuse right now is emotional abuse and I've told him so several times.

We use to be an exemplary and happy couple up till this may 2020. What will you do in a situation like mine With? With a man like my husband who I'd say lacks empathy and a concience how do I deal with him? His mom said she talked to him but I don't see any difference.

I feel miserable right now in my marriage. Since I got married this is our hardest hit and unfortunately it got prolonged probably bc of his native Dr's who told him I am using a charm on him which he believed.
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Help me out please