₦airaland Forum

The hustle for husband became real after my youth service. All my girlfriends were either getting married or engaged. Those who are neither married nor engaged already have a man who they swear must marry them or…………………

One day I was in a bus when my eyes caught a church banner displayed along the road and it reads:

*The return of his glory. Need a husband? Come and collect one.*

I quickly noted down the address and made up my mind to go the following day. The next day, I woke up very early so as to be the first to get to the church.* who knows how many girls that must have seen the banner huh? They might be writing names and picking numbers sef. Abeg make I rush so that my number go be no 1* I reasoned.

Just then my phone rang, it was my girlfriend Anita.* Hello babe wattsup? *

" Anita how far na?" i asked impatiently

*I’m fine o; I’m on my way to your house now*

*Hei wait I’m going out o* i said quickly

*Where to?* she asked

*Somewhere* i replied curtly.

*OK, wait for me let me accompany you*

I quickly switched off my phone, wore my cloth and dashed out of the house, *this girl na monitoring spirit o, don’t worry by the time you get here, you will not see me, follow follow demon!

I rushed down to the church and met the pastor.*welcome sister, God bless you*

*Bless you too pastor, errmmm………….without wasting much time, I saw your banner along okpara avenue.*

*Yes..? He enthused

*So I’m here to grab my own husband*. I answered excitedly.

The man became weak; he released a deep long breath. Me, I just siddon kampe dey watch am. No time for nonsense. After all na dem find me first.

*Sister first of all, are you born again? He asked

*Gbam! I gave my life to Christ since 1999.* I answered sharply

*When was the last time you slept with a man?*

*Whaaaaat?*

*I mean do you commit fornication?* he queried.

Which kain question be all this eh?" i asked getting worked up.

*It’s alright sister* he said calmly.

The pastor started flipping through his bible. Me, I was busy darting my eyes here and there trying to locate where they kept the husbands. I want to select Mr tall dark and handsome before it runs out of stock. No time for nonsense!

The pastor’s voice jolted me back to reality.*sister the bible said in the book of Mathew…….. Seek ye first the kingdom of God and its righteousness, all other things shall be added unto you. ......Husband is not a problem.

*Really? Then dash me one, make I dey go. Time no dey!" i screamed

*OK, firstly you have to come for deliverance for seven days. Secondly, you have to become our member, attend all our services both morning and evening, thirdly………*

I couldn’t take it anymore. I stood up angrily and lashed out at him,

*See una life eh! I dey my own dey mind my business. Una carry husband matter come put for road, now give me the husband, na so so tori. If I swear for you, if I carry bad mind swear for you eh, your anointing go turn to annoyance, rubbish!


I picked my bag and stormed out. So much trouble for ordinary husband biko!


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The day is bright and fair on a Sunday morning; birds chirp happily flapping their wings from one tree to the other. A light breeze touched Nneka’s face as she hurried to meet up with the first church service. She woke up early enough, but then there is the usual queue at the bathroom. To worsen the matter, the bathroom also houses the toilet in one tiny room and all the tenants make use of it.

As early as 5am, there was already a long queue of buckets with the children pooling, some on a potty, and some on a paper spread on the ground in front of the toilet cum bathroom. Some tenants take their bath quickly while some spend eternity taking their bath.
There is this particular young man, light skinned, his soap dish is as big as a small bucket filled with all manner of soaps, liquid soap, spray soap, rubbing soap, all manner!

Immediately he enters the bathroom, he splashes water on his body first and the scrubbing begins……as he’s scrubbing, he’s singing with melody forgetting that people are waiting for him! One day one craze woman living in the compound couldn’t bear it any longer and she began to shout “come out!... come out from there woman wrapper, useless somebody, you want to be brighter than your future? Oloriburuku!,onye ara!

Nneka arrived at the church just as the choir is about to present their ministration and managed to secure a seat at the rear. Later on, the pastor announced that there’s going to be weddings in the church the following Saturday. He enjoined everybody especially the singles to attend,
“Come and rejoice with those that are rejoicing, as you do so, your own miracle will come” he prophesied.

Nneka vowed not to miss the wedding “at least there will be free food and drinks, who knows I might even meet my cow boy! She mused.

It’s the D day, the wedding is holding today as earlier announced by the pastor. Nneka peeped through a crack on the wall, it was still dark outside. She wants to go early so as to secure a seat at a strategic position where she will be easily noticed.” I need to work out my salvation with fear and trembling; only the violent takes it by force! She said fiercely. Soon after, Uduak’s alarm clock began to ring; it goes off at 5am daily. ”oh thank God” Nneka said and went to take her bath.

There are five couples about to wed. The church was filled to the brim with family, friends and well wishers. Nneka wore a black shirt with a flowered printed skirt. She marched the outfit with a four inch black shoe. She looked smart and beautiful.

After the wedding ceremony, the couples dispersed to their various reception venues. Three out of the five couples seems to be holding their reception within the church premises. Two occupied the church halls while the other couple spread canopies in the open.

Nneka used style to survey the three receptions determining which one to attend. Finally she chose the one she thinks looks rich and flamboyant. “Gbrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…..” Her stomach rumbled from hunger. There was no food to eat at home. Uduak who works as a house help for a family living at Wuse feeds at her place of work. She takes breakfast on arrival and eats dinner before proceeding back home. Deborah works at a five star hotel as a chef and she takes her meal there.

It seems like it is taking the master of ceremony eternity to call dignitaries to the high table as is the custom. Nneka was restless. At last, the couple were ushered in, the bride was visibly happy.
She danced with excitement flashing her teeth at Nneka as if she knew her from somewhere. “dance sister….. Scatter ground………e no easy to catch a man these days!” Nneka declared smiling back at her.

Ahan ! it’s time to share food. The way people were grabbing the ‘take away’ made Nneka to sit up and hustle for her own. It looks like the food is not enough to go round. There is a woman sitting beside her with three children. The person occupying the first seat on the row passes the food across till it reaches the person sitting at the extreme. Nneka is sitting at the extreme, the last person on the row. The woman with the kids is supposed to pass food to her but rather she was behaving like a household enemy towards Nneka. As soon as the food enters her hand, she seized them like contraband. She first gave to all her children, then she began to hoard them inside her big bag ignoring Nneka totally.

The food sharer is about to move to the next row when Nneka stood up waving her hands frantically. The lady reluctantly came back and gave one plate of food to the person on the first seat to pass across to her. Again, when it got to the hands of her ‘unfriendly friend’, she tries to put it inside her bag as usual.

As fast as an eagle swooping down on a rabbit, Nneka snatched the food from her” if you try any rubbish again, I swear…I will wring your neck…infact I’m going to kill somebody now! She growled. With a clenched fist and eyes closed, she throws fist in the air, sweat breaking out on her face. The woman quickly dropped the food and bundled her children out of the hall without looking back!

“Nonsense……. na only you waka come” she fumed. She opened the plate and met the shock of her life!

It’s like the grain of rice was counted, the food was so small! The meat itself looks like it has been divided into ten different places; it’s as small as three grain of rice put together!
She began to cry “is this what I want to kill somebody for eh? “

“If you have any gift for the couple, please come forward and drop it here” the M.C announced. With great annoyance, Nneka glared at him in anger, got up and left the hall.

Excerpt from the book"the writings in your palms" by Sylvia Otawa
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