₦airaland Forum

AKPAN bought a new mobile phone. He sent a message to everyone on his phone book. The message reads: My mobile number has changed; earlier it was Nokia 3310, now it is Nokia 6610. Please take note,

· In a conversation: AKPAN : I am proud because my son is in Medical college
Friend: Really? What is he studying?
AKPAN: No, he is not studying, they are studying him.

· Akpan visits his Doctor
AKPAN: Doctor, in my dreams I play football every night.
DOCTOR: Take these drugs and you will be okay.
AKPAN: Can I take it tomorrow? Tonight is the final game.

· Akpan and his wife
AKPAN: If I die, will you remarry?
Wife: No! I will stay with my sister but if I die will you remarry?
AKPAN: No, I will also stay with your sister.

· AKPAN: People consider me as a “GOD”
Wife: How do you know?
AKPAN: When I went to the park today, everybody said, oh GOD, you have come again.









· AKPAN comes back to his car and finds a note saying “parking fine”
He writes a note and sticks it to a pole “Thanks for the compliment”

· How do you recognize Akpan in school?
He is the one who erases the notes from his book when the teacher erases the board.

· Once AKPAN was walking, he had a glove in one hand and none on the other hand. So a man asked him why he did so.
He replied: The weather forecast announced that on one hand, it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.

· AKPAN: Why are all these people running?
Man: This is a race; the winner will get the cup.
AKPAN: If only the winner will get the Cup, why are the others running?

· In a classroom Teacher: “I killed a person. Convert this sentence into future tense”
AKPAN: The future tense is “You will go to jail”.

· AKPAN told his servant: “Go and water the plants!”
Servant: “It is already raining”
AKPAN: “So what? Take an umbrella and go”

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks,
'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'



'Because you got an F in sex.'

:d ;d

they got super wings, they shall fly Insha Allahu

;d :d ;d :d

@ Okija juju
U really make sense oooooo,

it is logical to pray with u

cutedibee:
Take the car keys from the young girl and give it to the wife.

U must be very kind o

A friend from the Lekki Axis told me this story, kindly read carefuly.?
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For those of us that know Lekki well, this happened around the Chevron Roundabout.?
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After work last week Wednesday, I was on my way home when a woman driving an old Peugeot 505 in front of me brushed a young girl driving a very clean Honda Accord (Discussion continues).?
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?This young girl came down from the car and started insulting the woman, who was old enough to at least be her mother or Auntie.?
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?All efforts by passersby to pacify her proved abortive as she said the car was bought by her boyfriend, ?
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I just watched and sympatised with the woman. She told the girl she'd fix the car but it was already evening, getting late and she had no money on her unless the girl followed her home if her hubby could help.?
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?The girl kept screeming as people tried to beg on behalf of the woman. The girl blatantly refused and decided to call her boyfriend saying:?
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?"Baby boy, a stupid woman just hit my car".?
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The car he bought her. The man appeared in no minute ready to please his girlfriend by raining insult on the woman.?
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On getting there, he started shouting, "Where is the stupid woman that hit your car", only to realise the woman was his wife.? if you were involved, what would do?

This is a real story of a young exUnilag girl who passed away last month. Her name was Lola.

She was hit by a train at Oyingbo on her way to work at Apapa.

She was working at the MTN call center. She had a boy friend named Emeka, a banker who was recently transfered to Abuja . Both of them are true lovers even distance could not separate them.

They were always talking on the phone. You could never see her without her Cellphone.

In fact she also changed Emeka ' s SIM from Celtel to MTN, so both of them can be on the same network, and save on the cost of calls.


She spends half of the day and most nights talking with Emeka because she gets free calls. Lola ' s family knows about their relationship.

Emeka is very close with Lola ' s family in spite of the tribal differences. (just imagine their love).



Before she passed away at LUTH, she told her friends "If I pass away, please bury me with my Cellphone" she also said the same thing to her parents.

After her death at LUTH, the attendants couldn ' t carry her body to the mortuary.



A lot of them tried to do so but still couldn ' t.

They called more people and everybody tried to carry the body, the result was still the same. Eventually, they called a person who knew one of her priests in church who had the gift of communicating with the dead.


He sprinkled some salt and water on the body and started speaking to himself slowly. After a few minutes, he said "this girl misses something here."



Then her friends told him about her intentions to bury her with her phone.

He asked them to bring a coffin, then he opened it and placed her phone and sim card inside the casket. After that they tried to carry the body. It could now be moved and they carried it away easily.

Everyone was shocked and sad, they were so shocked that Lola ' s parents did not inform Emeka that Lola had passed away and buried her quickly because of all the unusual circumstances.

After 2 weeks Emeka called Lola ' s mom,

Emeka :, "Aunty, I ' m coming to the house today, it is Lola ' s birthday please I hope you will cook something nice for me.

Don ' t tell Lola that I ' m coming to Lagos today, I want to surprise her."

Her mother replied, "OK You come to Lagos first, I want to tell you something very important."



After he came, they told him the truth about Lola. Emeka though that they were playing an April fool ' s joke. He was laughing and said "don ' t try to fool me - tell Lola to come out, i have a Birthday gift for her. Please stop this nonsense".

Then they showed the original death certificate to him. They also gave him other proof to make him believe. (Emeka started to sweat) He said, "Its not true. We spoke yesterday. She still calls me.

Emeka was shaking,


Suddenly, Emeka ' s phone rang. "he said, see this is from Lola, see this, " he showed the phone to Lola ' s family. all of them told him to answer. he talked using the loudspeaker mode.

All of them heard his conversation. Loud and clear, no cross lines, no humming. It was the actual voice of Lola and there was no way others could use her staff sim card since it is nailed inside the casket before she was hurriedly buried.

They were so shocked and asked for the same priest (who can speak with the souls of the dead) again. This time he brought his Bishop along to help solve this matter.

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He and his Bishop worked for 5 hours.

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Then, they discovered one thing which really shocked them,

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MTN still has the best coverage!



"MTN Everywhere you go" is true!! Where ever you go, MTN follows!!!

There were two nuns,

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.



Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL : The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.



SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.







And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

I'll pray for you!

A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

' House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data, but still can't think for themselves.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

watin dey happen for here,
i beg take am easy oo o o o

Efemena_xy:
<yawns>

Repeat post

Copy & Paste joke

**Damn! This is sooooo boring**

post you own, abi,

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else,


One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me screw you. But the girl said NO.


Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. "


She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend, So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.


Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down."


So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.


Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.


She responded, "The bastard used coins!"
< /A>


Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

A Preacher said: "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river". And the congregation cried, "Amen!"



"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river". And the congregation cried, "Amen!"



"And if I had all the whiskey and rum in the world, I'd take it all and throw it in the river". Again the congregation cried, "Amen!" The preacher sat down.



The deacon then stood up & said: "For our closing hymn, let's turn to page 126 of our hymn books and sing, 'We shall drink from that river"'.



THE CONGREGATION SCREAMED HALLELUYA!!!!!

i am 1 of those that have posted same joke, but sincerely i still enjoy reading it again.

;d ;d ;d

A very successful Ibo Man in Holland parked his brand-new
Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off
the door on the driver's side.

The man immediately grabbed his cell phone, called the cops, and within minutes
a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to
ask any questions, the Ibo man started screaming
hysterically.

His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now
completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter
what the body shop did to it. When the man finally wound
down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head
in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you Ibos are", he said.
"You are so focused on your possessions that you
don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the Ibo man.
The cop replied,
"Don't you notice that your left arm is
missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when
the truck hit you."

"My God!"
screamed the Ibo man. "Where's my
expensive Rolex?

I am supporting South African because of the african blood in me

i just hav to thank God for my life oo o oo

;d :d

1.

A man was so jealous of his newly born baby that he put poison on the wife’s Nipples while she was asleep. She didn't breastfeed the baby all night as she went to spend half the night with their driver as soon as Oga was snoring. The next day, the driver died of poisoning! (Can a man be so greedy and can a woman be so unfaithful?)



2.

A man is dying of cancer, but keeps telling people he is dying of AIDS. His son asked, "Dad, why"? He answered, “so that when I am dead, no one will sleep with your mum”

(Can men be so greedy?)



3.

A lady lost three panties in her house and blamed her maid in front of the husband. Maid after unsuccessfully denying the allegation eventually said, “Sir you are my witness: you know I never wear panties''.



(Can men be so unfaithful?)





The union between a man and a woman is a constant battle of wits!!!!!!

1.

A man was so jealous of his newly born baby that he put poison on the wife’s Nipples while she was asleep. She didn't breastfeed the baby all night as she went to spend half the night with their driver as soon as Oga was snoring. The next day, the driver died of poisoning! (Can a man be so greedy and can a woman be so unfaithful?)



2.

A man is dying of cancer, but keeps telling people he is dying of AIDS. His son asked, "Dad, why"? He answered, “so that when I am dead, no one will sleep with your mum”

(Can men be so greedy?)



3.

A lady lost three panties in her house and blamed her maid in front of the husband. Maid after unsuccessfully denying the allegation eventually said, “Sir you are my witness: you know I never wear panties''.



(Can men be so unfaithful?)





The union between a man and a woman is a constant battle of wits!!!!!!

:d ;d

A young Jamaican father-to-be awakened the village doctor in the middle of the night saying

"Doc!Doc!Come fas nuh! Is muh wife man! She water dun brek man! She bout to born de chile!"

The doctor came over and told the father "Hold de lamp higher! Hold de lamp higher nuh!"

The father obliged, and behold, a baby's cry was soon heard.

The father cried out: "Praise de Lard! A boy! I's de proud fadduh of A baby boy!"

The doctor again told the father, "Hold de lamp higher! Hold de lamp higher nuh man!".

The father again complied, and to be sure, another cry was heard.

The father excitedly proclaimed: "Is twins!! I got twins! I's doubly blessed! Glory be to God!"

The doctor instructed, "Hold de lamp higher! Hold de lamp higher nuh!"

Sure enough, a THIRD cry was heard!

The father, somewhat subdued, in a nervous tone, muttered, "Oh. Thank ya Jesus."

The doctor repeated, "Hold de lamp higher!. Hold de lamp higher nuh man!", and a short while yet a FOURTH cry was heard.

The father said nothing, being lost in deep thought.

The doctor for a fifth time commanded "Hold de lamp higher man! Hold the lamp higher nuh!"

The father then asked; "Doc, me tink we off the light nuh. Yuh tink maybe is de light dat attractin' dem?

jessefly:
no b d full joke be dis, as d guy claim pass wetin u be put

Pls put maggi and tomato and re-present to enjoy the joke

Reaching the end of a job interview,

the human resources person asked a

young engineer fresh out of Unilag,



"And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The engineer said, "In the neighbourhood of #24,000,000 per annum, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of

"5-weeks vacation with business class tickets, 14 paid holidays, full
Medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary,
and a company car leased every 2 years-say, a red Range Rover Sport?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Oga na joke?"


And the interviewer replied, "Yes now, but na you start am"

Young Nigerian man named Oku meets an attractive girl and starts going out with her. Soon enough the two are inseparable and they agree to marry.
Oku takes the girl home so that she can meet his parents.
After the meeting, Oku tells his dad of intention to marry the girl
and asks for this blessings. The old man flatly refuses to give his
blessing

Oku is shocked and asks his father to give him a reason for
his refusal. The old man pulls his son aside and confides ' Oku my
son, the girl you want to marry is your sister, but let us keep it between
ourselves because your mommy doesn't know.'

Oku is flabbergasted and cannot believe this. He leaves his
dad and remains distraught. After a few days of this frustration,
his mother notices it and asks her son what is troubling him. Seeing
it is his mommy and feeling betrayed he tells his mom his dad's
little secret.
The mom pauses for a minute and then starts to smile. She
looks at his son and tells him ' Oku, if you love the girl then you
should be with her, so marry her.' Oku is surprised by this and asks
his mother ' what about what I've just told you?

You do realize she is my sister?' The mom leans in and whispers to her son

' Oku, your daddy isn't your father, but your daddy doesn't know,

studio43:
Romsky carry your bad belle talent comot for road make i pass jor.


Poster,
This joke is mine, I fill fulfilled unto sey people dey copy from my work.

sorry sir, how much u want make i pay for the piracy or for crazy u?

;d ;d :d