₦airaland Forum

oluite: Number 1-Adjusting to Life as a widower
Thread is just great with such depht,had so much impact on me,so many lessons learnt.True life Journey of Serubawon,you can just feel the lows and highs,the turns and twist.The happy future not ending.Thread is devoid of the usual NL hurling of insults and I guess its because one justs connects and even becomes protective of the thread and Uncle Seru.

@Oluite. Uncle Seru?....wow, I feel old all of a sudden. Thanks for the kind words. Funny how something that started on a whim became something that makes me feel good inside. I won't lie to you, being able to express my thoughts helped me overcome so many things and I honestly have a lot of people on NL to thank for that. NL became my second home.

Wow. Still wondering if I should jump in and suffer the consequences or be an interested onlooker

[quote author=Efemena_xy]^^ Well, it's definitely not me sha

Tgirl, honestly I didn't do it naw! I wasn't even there sef. So how can it be my fault?

Infact, I think you should grab hold of Serubawon, Uju and maybe Cotton. I think they did it, simply because they er..look kinda guilty... [/quote]@Efe. Excessive defensive rambling......you are guilty!!!!!!gbam!!

Tgirl4real: Hmmm... I hope they have been able to settle their differences.

@ everyone on dis thread, naijababe, uju, debrief, Efe n co, I would like u interview u guys. Pls PM me or mail tgiirl4real @ ymail dot com

Somebody's in trooouuuble? Can't be me...mba. The people concerned have been named. Shikena.

I read this with interest (& sadness). By now, I really hope the couple have found a way to resolve their differences and move on with their lives. With a baby on the way, they can't afford to have the kind of relationship they presently have.

There is no point blaming anyone, except stating that people need to really understand each other BEFORE getting married. There were obviously issues that pre-existed, but were ignored. I kind of got the impression that they are newly married (within the last 2 years maybe). Obviously, there are other issues that are part of the problem that they can't talk about on NL. So, what do they do?

Oga, I want you to look back on the time you first met your wife. The things that attracted you to her, The joy you had in your heart when you saw her. The things you did together back then. Now, what is different? Are those things still there? Have issues of life allowed you to overlook the little things that initially brought you together and now, it seems she's a stranger? Guess what? She's the same woman. Older, (very pregnant) and both of you have finally seen the dark sides that you hid from each other previously. "For better for worse" actually meant For better, for worse..

The same goes for madam. The biggest problem is that before you got married, both of you focused on your positive sides. Now that reality has set in, you both are now focusing on your negative sides and that's just wrong. People get married so they can build each other up. It's like knowing your spouse is very ugly physically, but focusing on the beautiful nature that exists inside that person.

Why don't both of you call a truce, sit down together and admit your faults. That's going to be hard if you're proud, but not impossible. Remind each other of the things that made you happy in the beginning and make up your minds to help each other overcoming your negative traits. I didn't say it would be easy, but if both of you really want to save your marriage and provide a loving atmosphere for that beautiful baby on the way, you'll make it happen.

Remember...with God, nothing shall be impossible. I really wish both of you the best.

Royal Roy: Okay......this is the thread and the link....
What Can I Do? www.nairaland.com/1011119/what

Thanks & God bless

Wow! The responses are completely across the board and honestly, it's only normal for peoples' views to be varied.

In my case, I got married in 1999. Before I met my late wife, I was just a disgrace to responsible manhood. Not that I slept with anything or everything in skirts, no, no. I'm very picky and I loved picking the very difficult ones. The challenge was always a rush for me. Thank God for His mercies. I got born again 3 years before I met my late wife and it helped a lot. For the 1st time in my life, I was dating someone and not having sex with her. It really helped our relationship grow and we could focus on the things that would make our marriage flourish in the future. Things like talking about everything and being honest to each other. The fact that we didn't have sex kind of built up her trust in me tremendously. She knew I wanted to have sex (sooo bad too), but she could see the determination that I would wait till marriage.

Lo and behold, on our wedding night, I found out that she was a virgin and that scared me a bit. I had done everything under the sun in the past. Now, I was scared that the sex was going to be boring because she didn't have any experience. WRONG!!!. God has a way of rewarding you when you've been obedient. Within 6 months, I was the one trying to play catch-up. I remember her telling me one time that she would do anything to ensure that I was satisfied sexually (and she did). Now, even when sex was not on our minds, we could talk and engage ourselves in almost anything because we had 3 years of courtship (without sex) that prepared us for the times when sex was not on the menu.

We were married 6 beautiful years and throughout that period, she would sit in the car the same way she used to sit when we were dating. Even on those times when I had a lot on my mind, she would through a piece of paper in my face while driving and tell me to stop frowning and I'd be smiling like a jackass. For those who think marriage is a curse or prison, I can tell you it's not. It's a wonderful thing when you marry your best friend and do it right.

Maybe that's why 8 years after her passing, I'm still un-married. It took me 7 years to find the right one and I'm going to make sure we do it right. We've been dating almost a year now and it's wonderful. First time I haven't had to compare someone with my late wife and that's a blessing on it's own.

So, what does this all mean? Marry your best friend that understands you in and out. The one that won't freak out when you do some stupid things every once in a while. The one that gives you the benefit of the doubt (even when you don't deserve it). I wish everyone the very best in their marital adventure.

Royal Roy: I think the thread where A man came to report his wife that she was disrespectful and the wife also came on the thread to say her side of the story........can't remember the title...it also deserves mention.

That must have been interesting. Please try and remember the title. I'll try and look for it

@nemesis & ikamefa. Thanks for the vote of confidence. My head is swelling. I think I also like "Tell Us About Your Marriage" by Seun. It was interesting seeing how people met and have been keeping the fire of love burning in their marriages. Kudos.

salsera: Well Olori is in front to warn all trespassers that there's a queen in the castle and Serubobo is at the back cos he has her back


SMH
the @OP knows his people jor

I hear you my sista.

salsera: Not to worry
SCREEN PRINT is on both sides
OLORI for front
SERUBOBO for back

Hmmmmmm.......smart woman! However, WHY IS SERUBAWON ON THE BACK?

salsera: Serubobo
I'm for Team Olori jor!

Na wa o. See life o. No be me you sabi before I talk about Olori. What happened to 'Team Serubawon'?

Ujujoan: Awwww . . . Now you've gone and made me feel worse about my post. There . . . . fixed it!

You know I made that post from a hospital bed. I guess I was still high on those shots they kept giving me . . .

I'm not much of a story teller, not like you anyways Besides, there's no much story to be told, except that of thanksgiving I suppose. I went AND I survived and I hope it stays that way!

@Uju. Why would you feel bad? Please don't. Also, I hope you're getting better and you are healed by His stripes IJN. As you said, you're a survivor (and I'm sure you have a covenant with God to live long just like Jenny does)

Ujujoan: Okay . . I admit my post did sound a bit judgemental and selfish and I apologize to Serubobo

@Uju. As I said earlier, I take no offense. I truly appreciate the constructive criticism that I receive on this thread and it continuously helps me to become a better person. Just like jenny said, I also can understand where you're coming from.

@Jenny. As always, you had my back and it's one of the reasons I enjoy your posts (you don't pull punches). Me thinks Uju has a story to tell, don't you think

@Analytical. Baba Professor!!! We need to hook up more often and I mean like on the phone. God has granted you the wisdom of Solomon and you express it with panache. Olori enjoys reading this thread and it kind of opens her up to another side of me she doesn't see on a day to day basis. Concerning her past, I know most of it. She opens up gradually and I never push it. I told her recently that it took one guy to turn her life upside down. It's going to take me (one guy also) to turn everything right side up again(by God's grace). I really don't think I can explain it any better than you did (I don't think anyone can). She's a gem that will shine through anything. I just pray for God's wisdom to do the right things concerning her and her daughter. As you said, the story continues........

Analytical: Serubawon and all, this is surely one thread that is not going to die easily- with all the drama here!


Now this Olori is something else altogether . . .

Analytical Baba!!! Always on point. However, please lend me your thoughts and expand on the last sentence. I'm sure this is going to be very interesting....

ThiefOfHearts: since when is kuruki a good thing LOL

better start running/jogging!

Noted ma.

ThiefOfHearts: Abeg that one be fat.

Only guys that are over 6 ft are allowed to pass the 200lbs stage. Lebron sef no reach 228. Im not kidding. You need to join a gym or diet. Who wants a pregnant groom?

Program must start now now

@ThiefOfHearts. Na wa o. Haven't you heard of kuruki before.

Ujujoan: I know people think when men lose their wives, they need to get married again ASAP to be happy and satisfied. I just don't agree.

Okay take you for example . . . you are gradually beginning to lose the memories you had with your first wife, and olori is beginning to mean more that she ever did and that's fine becuse you deserve to be happy again. It's just that I find the idea distatsteful (no offence)!

@Ujujoan. My sister, I take no offense whatsoever. However, I do have to point some things out though. First, no matter how close olori and I become, I can never lose the memories of my late wife. They are much too precious to forget. What I meant was I don't always feel sad when I remember them like in the past. There are still days when I'm a bit down and depressed and I truly hate those days, 'cause those are the times the memories make me feel sad, but that can't be helped. She was a wonderful person (with emphasis on wonderful). However, I have learnt to put those memories in a quiet and secret part of my consciousness and only go there when it's absolutely necessary. No matter how a woman says she 'understands', she really doesn't want to be in competition with a spirit that she can't stand up to or face off with and that would be unfair to place her in that position. We have enough of our own issues to deal with. So, with your near death experience, I can understand how you feel(I think you need to share that experience with us one of these days though if you're game about it). So, as you said, I am carry go and malo moto pinpin pelu.

[quote author=Sisi_Kill]Hahaha!! Losing weight is good naaa!!!

We want you looking all GQ on D-Day, no Baba sala belle for Big Bros Abeg!! [/quote]@Sisi_Kill. Hmmmm.......let me see. I'm 5'10” and weigh 228lbs (no fat), if I lose anymore weight, GQ will definitely reject me patapata.

[quote author=Sisi_Kill]Sigh! This thread always makes me happy! [/quote]@Sisi_Kill. I'm going through the grinder and you're happy? I'm losing weight here

@Ikamefa. Just hold on to that thought of gele and aso ebi. This might take awhile

chaircover: Serubobo I can Imagine how you feel cos Ive done exactly what Olori is doing. Mr CC is not much of a talker so he didnt spend too much time reassuring me that he loved me, but he told me by his actions and what swayed me in the end was the way he treated me and treated my things/things that concerned me. Such as picking my things off the floor instead of jumping over them. the way he called my mum and checked up on her even when I didn't (most tines he didn't even tell me that he had spoken to her). The way he would dish his stew and always leave the best pieces for me. If we were sharing a bottle of something, he will always make sure that I drank and had enough first before drinking the rest, insisting that I drove the newer car because he didn't want me breaking down. Things like that even though may sound very simple do add up and one day the light bulb will just go off in her head and say to her " this is the man for you. Stop fighting it"

Carry on showing her how special she is to you and one day soon she will relax and trust you will her whole being. That I am veey sure of

@CC. As always, you come through with the right words. About 3 weeks ago, she was silent for no apparent reason at all. She didn't call or txt and when I called, she was always abrupt on the phone. So all I did was send txt msgs of "Morning beautiful.....sleep well?" every morning. I did nothing else. This went on for about a week. Then out of nowhere, she calls me and tells me I scare her and as much as she loves me, she's just terrified that something will go wrong when we get married. So. I tell her to forget about getting married for now if it bothers her so much. No matter how long it takes, I'll wait until she's ready. 2 days after that, she's already telling me what our bedroom should look like and how she won't ever allow me to eat in the bedroom (because I do that). She dotes on my kids, but is firm with them and that alone gives me peace of mind. I guess I'll take you, jenny and spoilts' word for it. Give her time. One thing I do know for certain, I'm never going to fully understand this woman. But I'll do my best sha.

@braveheart2012. Hmmmmmmm...I'm sure I can do that. I must admit that it can be extremely frustrating sometimes, but it's definitely worth it. One day, she's the sweetest thing on the face of this earth and then from nowhere, she's throwing curve balls at me like no man's business. I just hope she figures it out that there is no boogie man hiding in the wings. I need a break....I'm only human. . Thanks for the heads up man.

spoilt: @ thiefofhearts
Did you imply a couple of posts up that only yoruba men can blend families? That's absurd.

@ jennykadry
I just changed the sheets so I am off to pick a fight. . . .can't waste this Saturday oh.Lol.

Haaaaaa!

@ThiefOfHearts. Eya, I be original Ibadan boy o. Just don't have the marks to prove it. Funny, my late wife was from ekiti though, so you're not too far off. Thanks for the encouragement.

spoilt: ^^^^ I was wondering since you said she divoced 7 to 8 yrs ago and the daughter is 6. Meanwhile I think what you enjoy is the make up **Ahem* *after she riles you up. We all know how exciting that can get.Lol. meanwhile have you merged lives already? Like living together and merging finances?

@spoilt. Her daughter turned 7 last month, so the timing is about right. I mistakenly counted in the year she got married (who says my math is on point anyway). I think 6 years should have been my answer. I never asked exactly when she got divorced. Not my focus anyway. No. not living together. Kids involved and that's not a good example for them. We'll do it the right way (at least I hope we do), but we're looking out for a big enough home to buy. The make-up stuff? I'll use one word - AWESOME!!!

@jenny. From the little i know about you on NL, you and her are alike (I don't know if that's scary or not). She does know how to pick a fight though. I just watch and never argue, wait for her to calm down and then I pounce (great strategy, right?). It's very interesting how she moves from one extreme to another. Her biggest problem with me is that she hates how I can predict her. I never react, just go with the flow. She also doesn't like the fact that I never get angry. She feels I'm too good to be true and thinks the boogie man is hiding somewhere under the surface. I've been like this all my life. It works for me and really helps in my career too. I wear people down with patience.

spoilt: ^^^ That's eh.. . . . .
That was strange. She was definitely not the right one.

@ Serubawon
I'm glad things are going so well. I did the math. Her daughter is not by her ex husband? . . . . . .

@spoilt. Her daughter is by her ex-husband.

spoilt: ^^^ That's eh.. . . . .
That was strange. She was definitely not the right one.

@ Serubawon
I'm glad things are going so well. I did the math. Her daughter is not by her ex husband? . . . . . . .not that it matters much. I felt kinda weird when you said this relationship is better than the one with your late wife. Could it be because its still new and in the passionate phase? It would hurt my feelings if my hubby said that about someone he just met. True talk here. I would tell him waka fromthe grave. LOl.

@Salsera. I understand how you feel. It was weird for me at 1st too. My late wife and I never fought or argued, not even once. Olori runs me crazy EVERYDAY! However, in a dysfunctional sort of way, I actually enjoy it. It's like she wants to make up for all the lost fun. She's temperamental (and I mean temperamental). Sometimes, I have to watch what I say to her, because she goes off 1st and then apologizes later. When she apologizes, it's from the heart and you can see her trying to change and make amends which is lovely for her in the long run. The bottom line is that there is truly no platform to compare because they are like extremes apart. Lately, I've found myself thinking of my late wife and smiling to myself, remembering the memories, but without any pain (before, it was all about pain). Olori asks about her and wants to know how we were. I was uncomfortable about that initially, but found out that she's not trying to find out how my late wife was, but trying to find out more about me. Weird, right? I'm sure my late wife is happy at the way things are going. Olori dotes on my kids, but is also firm with them. I like that. She practically hands her daughter over to my daughter because she wants her to learn things and grow out of the pampered child mold. I just pray it all works out. I would like to look back in 20 years time and just be thankful to God. That's all I want.

salsera: Awwww

Olori is really tripping me oh (she just senior me tintini)

Dont allow traditional ceremony to deny you of enjoying the journey - no mind family jare

There is hope - wow! To think you could have entered one chance.

@salsera. Which one be "one chance" again?

spoilt: At least Olori did not ask you where your kids will live after the wedding. LOl. You can all be one big happy family. So you didn't tell us the sordid glorious details. How old is she? I'm assuming age appropriate. How long ago did her marriage end? Do you plan to legally adopt her daughter? I know, I know plenty questions. But you see, this is why this learning thread cannot die because there is still a lot of blending to be done which we can learn from. Keep us informed. You can stay anonymous. Why do I feel like she should be screened by the nairaland aunties? Lol. Anyway if you have given her the stamp of approval I guess she's A okay!! Congrats to you!!!

Ok, I'll answer all these questions as best as I can. She's 36, so I'm roughly 7 years older. Her marriage ended 7-8 years ago and she's been on her own since then. Her tenacity at getting back on her feet is amazing and she's gone through a lot to get to where she is today. Unfortunately, the experience hardened her so much that it was an uphill task getting her to trust me and believe that I'm not another conniving %$&*@# of a guy. Her daughter is a jewel. I've already told her that I would love to adopt her if she agrees. However, her ex is never going to let that happen because he knows that's the only way he can get to her. In time, we'll see what happens. The funny thing is that her daughter already said she wants to change her last name to mine and her mother just started crying. I guess it's just up to us to be prayerful and hopeful things turn out well in the end. It would be kind of sad if we got married and her daughter had to bear a different surname than everyone else, but I believe in the saying "All things work together for good for those who love God, for those who are called according to his purpose".

One thing i can tell you is that my wardrobe is fashioned to her tastes and I wear stuff and look like a guy stepping out of a GQ magazine (not because of my looks sha o). We've gone through some bumpy situations that God has brought us out of. In my family, I'm surrounded by women and there was a bumping of heads between her and one of my sisters. It shouldn't have amounted to anything, but i guess there was some sort of competition on 'He's my brother' and He's my boyfriend' kind of thingy, but it got sorted out. Women!!! Always causing drama. I'm about to go through a major career change and that was all her doing. She's amazing and things are very good.

So. I hope I was able to answer most of the questions. So far, there's too much pressure on the traditional wedding thing and we're trying to brings things down to a quiet respectable level. Families aren't so helpful sometimes. However, it's all very good.

spoilt: At least Olori did not ask you where your kids will live after the wedding. LOl. You can all be one big happy family. So you didn't tell us the sordid glorious details. How old is she? I'm assuming age appropriate. How long ago did her marriage end? Do you plan to legally adopt her daughter? I know, I know plenty questions. But you see, this is why this learning thread cannot die because there is still a lot of blending to be done which we can learn from. Keep us informed. You can stay anonymous. Why do I feel like she should be screened by the nairaland aunties? Lol. Anyway if you have given her the stamp of approval I guess she's A okay!! Congrats to you!!!

@spoilt. Details on their way. In between airports now. Trying to allow for jetlag