₦airaland Forum

ituen:
I am beginning to build confidence in u

lol

ituen:
I am beginning to build confidence in u

lol

clemcykul:
he just woke up not long ago, had a luxurious bath, an exquisite brkfast, an off da hook bla bla bla,
so dear thug u need the bed more dan anybody here, so off u go! make sure u hudg the teddy's

Make sure you get cash in hand before selling

OMG

Are you working with Seun?

Pako public high school

Seun:
International studies? What is that? How exactly did you choose this major? *scratches head*

Food

Migines:
*¥ @ \/\/ |\| $*

Go to bed

[quote author=tj_tj link=topic=102241.msg1796398#msg1796398 date=1198688785]officer: wats wrong with u? patient: mp sir. doctor: wats that patient: my prick [/quote]lol

felixweah:
webemerald@ mess you

1) It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?" John asked. "Yes or no," she replied.

2) A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

3) A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

4) The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

5) A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a mcdonald's fast-food establishment in florida, And they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

Name: greg bulmash

Sex: not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

Desired position: company's president or vice president. But seriously, whatever's available. If i was in a position to be picky, i wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

Desired salary: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a michael ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

Education: yes.

Last position held: target for middle management hostility.

Salary: less than i'm worth.

Most notable achievement: my incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

Reason for leaving: it sucked.

Hours available to work: any.

Preferred hours: 1:30-3:30 p.M., Monday, tuesday, and thursday.

Do you have any special skills?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

May we contact your current employer?: If i had one, would i be here?

Do you have any physical conditions that would prohibit you from lifting up to 50 lbs?: Of what?

Do you have a car?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "do you have a car that runs?"

Have you received any special awards or recognition?: I may already be a winner of the publishers clearing house sweepstakes.

Do you smoke?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

What would you like to be doing in five years?: Living in the bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks i'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, i'd like to be doing that now.

Do you certify that the above is true and complete to the best of your knowledge?: Yes. Absolutely.

Sign here: aries.

Starting the day with a conversation between a wife and a husband who happens to be a software engineer.
Husband Returning late from work) "Good Evening Dear, I'm now logged in."
Wife :Have you brought the grocery?
Husband :Bad command or filename.
Wife :But I told you in the morning
Husband :Erroneous syntax. Abort?
Wife :What about my new TV?
Husband :Variable not found ,
Wife :At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.
Husband :Sharing Violation. Access denied,
Wife :Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny?
Husband :Too many parameters ,
Wife :It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband :Data type mismatch.
Wife :You are useless.
Husband :It's by Default.
Wife :What about your Salary?
Husband :File in use , Try after some time.
Wife :What is my value in the family.
Husband :Unknown Virus.

Officer: What Is Your Name?
Candidate: M P. Sir

Officer: Tell Me Properly
Candidate: Mohan Pal Sir

Officer: Your Father's Name?
Candidate: M P. Sir

Officer: What Does That Mean?
Candidate: Manmohan Pal Sir

Officer: Your Native Place
Candidate: M P. Sir

Officer: Is It Madhya Pradesh?
Candidate: No, Munnur Pal Sir

Officer: What Is Your Qualification?
Candidate: M P. Sir

Officer: (angrily) What Is It?
Candidate: Metric Pass

Officer: Why Do You Need A Job?
Candidate: M P. Sir

Officer: And What Does That Mean?
Candidate: Money Problem Sir

Officer: Describe Your Personality
Candidate: M P. Sir

Officer: Explain Yourself Clearly
Candidate: Magnanimous Personality Sir

Officer: This Discussion Is Nowhere, You May Go Now
Candidate: M P. Sir

Officer: What Is It Now
Candidate: My Performance. ,

Officer: Mp!!!
Candidate: What Is That Sir?

Officer: Mental Problems

Annual Idiot Awards for the year 2006


Number One Idiot of 2006
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.
Here's your award, lady. Wear it with pride.


Number Two Idiot of 2006
Early this year, some airline employees on the airfield decided to Steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locater beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed with the airline.
Here's your award, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.


Number Three Idiot of 2006
A true story out of San Francisco : A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America , walked into the branch and wrote "this is a stickup. Put all your muny in this bag" While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo . After waiting a Few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller.
She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the street told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was Arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America .
Don't bother with this guy's award. He probably couldn't read it anyway.


Number four Idiot of 2006
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a brick through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the brick and heaved it over his head at the window. The brick bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Flexible Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
Oh, that's smart. Give him his award.


Number Five Idiot of 2006
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag,the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21. The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
This guy definitely needs an award!


Idiot Number Six of 2006
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him This guy doesn't need an award, he probably figured it out himself.

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"

Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track."
"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.
"Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there", answers Tom.

"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.
"Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."
"What if the phone was busy?"
"In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station".
"What if that had been vandalized?"
"Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo".
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?"
"Because he's never seen a train crash."

Warnings!

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to strangle you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that your ex is really dying for you to call them at 4:00 in the morning.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause serious rug burns on the forehead and chin area.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really big guy named Bubba.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause a flux in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to
disappear.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may result in pregnancy.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the heck happened to your pants,

Vey funny santa singh jokes!!!


This case happened in a hospital's Intensive care ward where Patients always died in the same bed and on all Sunday morning at 11a.m, regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths took place at 11 AM.

So a world-wide expert team was constituted and they decided to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents. So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m. all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves
What the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil,
Just when the! Clock struck 11,

And then,




then,



















then,






Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and Unplugged the life support system & plugged in the vacuum cleaner.

You've saved the wrong person

One day Bush was out jogging and accidentally fell from a bridge into a very cold river.
Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet president out of the river.
After cleaning up he said, "Boys, you saved the President of the United States today. You deserve a reward. You name it, I'll give it to you."
The first boy said, "Please, I'd like a ticket to Disneyland!"
"I'll personally hand it to you," said Bush. "I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos," the second boy said.
"I'll buy them myself and give them to you," said Bush. "And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it," said the third boy.
"I'll personally , wait a second, son, you're not handicapped!"
"No, but I will be when my father finds out whom I saved from drowning."

Which company you work for

Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, “Congratulations, you got twins.
The man said “How strange, I’m the manager of Minnesota Twins.

After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, “Congratulations, you got triplets.”
Man was like “Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the “3 musketeers.” Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says
“Congratulations, you got twins x2.” Man is happy and says, “Ironic, I work for the hotel “4 Seasons.”

All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him what’s wrong and he answered, “What’s wrong? I work for 7up”!

There were these two elderly people living in a Florida old age home.
He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for
a number of years.

Now, one evening, there was a community supper in the big activity center.
These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal
went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up
his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After some 'careful consideration,' she answered, "Yes, I will."

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to
their respective rooms. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes'
or
did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not

recall.Not even a faint memory. When he tried to see her, he found that
she had gone to visit her daughter.

With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he
explained to her that his memory was not as good as it used to be. Then
he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a
little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would
marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, I will' and I meant
it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you
called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

Since a very long time ago, people have searched for the meaning of love. But even the great philosophers, with their profound definitions, could not fully touch its true essence. In a survey of 4-8 year olds, kids share their views on love. But what do little kids know about love? Read on and be
surprised that despite their young and innocent minds, kids already have a simple but deep grasp of that four-letter word.

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."

"Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell at him because you know it would hurt his/her feelings."

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."

"Love is if you hold hands and sit beside each other in the cafeteria. That means you're in love. Otherwise, you can sit across from each other and be okay."

"Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redbird."

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."

"You can break love, but it won't die."

lol

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?" "Ten," she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David," she answered.

"They're all named David?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'David,' and they all come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"

"I just say, 'David, come eat your dinner'," she answered.

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

[quote author=tj_tj link=topic=101670.msg1790833#msg1790833 date=1198429527][s][/s] to stop people frm postin dry, dead, stale jokes[/quote]

nyc 1