₦airaland Forum

Please anyone with knowledge of how much it cost to do DNA text with ur children and hospital it can be done here in Lagos?

crazygod:
Allen avenue

please do you know if they open on saturday?

crazygod:
Allen avenue

thanks brother

Please can anyone provide Hip Tv lagos contact address to me?

thanks.

Rent another hall

kevoh:
And if that doesn't work?

Are you tired of the single life? Why not challenge God today?

Buy the wedding gown and see if God won't supply the groom!

If it doesn't work, RENT THE HALL!

But try and laugh small abeg

IamAtribalist:
NOT FUNNY

I Have begun my annual distribution of SALLAH GIFTS (Rams for Family) as usual. PLEASE MEET THE REQUIREMENT BELOW TO GET YOURS...

1. Submit your Birth Certificate (Original Copy).

2. One Valid Identification Card.

3. Police Report that you have never committed any crime in your life.

4. International Passport (if you don't have one, go and get it).

5. Marriage Certificate (if married).

6. Consent Of Parents (for those below 17yrs).

7. Picture Of Us (to prove that we are close).

8. 4 Copies Of 2x2 Pics (blue background).

9. Report Card/Result sheet (for students and undergraduates only).

10. Provide Drivers license (if any).

11. Provide your CGPA (must not be less than 3..

12. Write an Essay (Explain why I should give you the Sallah present)... Not less than 800 words, with proper margin, correct English grammar and right use of punctuations. Please use a green pen.

NB: Submit your application on or before tomorrow.

#HappyEidelKabir

Recently, I was diagnosed with old age disease - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left.

My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to move the Coke so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm and decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye - they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning,

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but won't remember it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some mop to wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

* The car isn't washed,

* The bills aren't paid,

* There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,

* The flowers don't have enough water,

* There is still only 1 cheque in my checkbook,

* I can't find the remote,

* I can't find my glasses,

* And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favour, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client, "Saul, I have some
good news and, I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary having s*x."

"A Chief is inside a car with the glasses wound up, armed robbers attack and shoots at the chief, the bullet won't break the glass but will kill the chief inside the car."

"A man shoots himself on the head three times!"

"RMD remembering when he was still seven year old as far back as 1960 and suddenly a 2013 Honda Accord passes in front of him!"

"Patience Ozokwor poisons Zark Orji's food, she stirs the poison so that it will circulate to all parts of the meal and then tastes it, Zack Orji dies while she survives!"

"Someone flashes back to 1982 and behind him is a sign board 'Vote for Goodluck Jonathan'!"

"A seven year old character is washing plates and he suddenly becomes an adult in his 20's still washing the same plates and wearing the same trousers!"

"Omotola is depicted as a poor woman suffering in the village and has to do serious farm work to survive only for one to see that her fingernails are fixed with long plastic nails and painted crimson red!"

"Someone dies with a low cut hairstyle and his spirit comes back with an 'afro' hairstyle!"

"A woman suddenly decides to poison her husband, then she opens her food cabinet and brings out the substance. Is poison part of cooking ingredients?

Add yours N"landers

Customer: Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter: Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.
~~~~~~
Customer: Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter: That' s all right sir, he won't drink much.
~~~~~~
Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.
~~~~~~~~~
Customer: Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter: So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?
~~~~~~~
Customer: Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?
Waiter: I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller!
~~~~~~~~
Customer:Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter: Funny? Then why aren't you laughing?

A letter sent by this woman to her family:

"Dear family,
I have a husband I can't trust! He cheats so much! I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his!"

chybykee:
huh? WTF?
I hope that's a Joke

[quote author=chybykee post=37790737]huh? WTF?

A young lady comes out of a bus with her left breast showing.

She actually walked down a whole mile. A police man sees her and calls her. "Madam,you do know I can arrest you for indecent dressing?"

"Officer, I don't understand what your talking about", she said looking confused.

"Madam,your left boob is showing" The officer said.

The lady looks down and screams, "Oh my Goodness! I must have left my baby on the bus!!!"

emmchi:
Take mine pump action rifle and blow his fu**cking brains out. They both carry the same life imprisonment.

Bro u dey vex o. Na just common miss spelling

U aint Jesus pal

goodmorning40:
Wake up the dead wife

A man got this message from his neighbour; "Sir, I am so sorry but I have this confession to make. I have been sharing your wife with you behind your back day and night and mostly when you are not in town. I have used your wife in my kitchen, bedroom, parlour and also in your own apartment and at times right under your nose. I have to also admit that I have used your wife more than you do. I feel I should let you know cause I feel so guilty. I promise never to do it again".

The man was so mad that he shot his wife dead!

Few minutes later he received another message from the same neighbour stating; "So sorry for the spelling mistake. I meant to write WIFI and not WIFE!"

If you were the husband, what will you do?

Go inside police station and tell them u re the leader of boko haram.

I will stop assuming.

Bangladesh

PASTOR angrily preaching=: evryday dfrnt phones + internet sites are been made to distract us from readin our bible, due to facebook & twitter, whatsapp & 2go and evry other social ntwrk. we no longer read our bible

Church MEMBERS in low tune=: hmm, dahs very baddd..(shooking their head)

pastor=: that is faraway from no good, we have to change our ways. Phones and laptops are evil tins produced by satan to distract us from God.

After prayin for the church members at the end of service that sunday, he turnd to the camerals
.
Pastor=: well, for more info on JESUS IS HERE BIBLE CHURCH, visit our website on www.jesus.is.here. Com or follow us on twitter @jshbchurch, nor add me on 2go Past.akpos12. I will be waiting for u online
God bless u all.

One word for the pastor.

A man and a woman meet in an
elevator.
"Where are you heading today?" the
man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for
giving blood?"
"About $20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up
to donate sperm,
and the sperm bank pays $100."
The woman angrily gets off the
elevator.
The next day, the man and woman
meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where
you off to today?"
"Sperm bank," she says with her
mouth full.

This woman goes to a pet store to
purchase some dog food. She puts
the bag of food up on the counter
and notices a box full of frogs. She
reads the sign on the box...and it
says...."pu**y licking Frogs..$20
each (comes with instructions)" She
looks around to see if anybody's
watching her and whispers to the
man behind the counter... "I'll take
one." He packages up a frog. The
woman grabs her dog food and is
on her way home. She gets home,
takes out the instructions and reads
them carefully, doing exactly what it
says to do. 1. Take a shower. Put on
some nice smelling perfume. 2. Put
on a very sexy teddy. 3. Crawl into
bed, spread your legs and put the
frog down "there." To her surprise,
nothing happens. So, she thought,
perhaps the scent she chose is not
appealing to the frog. So, she
showers again and tries another
perfume. She gets back into bed,
puts the frog between her legs
and...nothing. She's totally
frustrated and pissed off at this
point. She reads the instructions
again thinking that there might be
something she overlooked. At the
bottom of the paper is says, "If you
have any problems or questions,
please call the pet store." So, she
does.
The man from behind the counter
says, "I've had a few complaints
earlier today, I'll be right over."
After the man got to her house the
woman says, "See, I've done
everything according to the
instructions and the damn thing just
sits there."
The man, looking very concerned,
picks up the frog, looks directly into
its eyes and says, "I'M ONLY GOING
TO SHOW YOU HOW TO DO THIS
ONE MORE TIME!"

Very simple, u re the goodluck chuk.
When a gurl wants to get married she will just come and date u.

Akpors visited the pastor's
home and asked to see the minister's
wife, a woman well known for her
charitable impulses.
"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw
your attention
to the terrible plight of a poor family
in this district. The father is dead, the
mother is too ill to work, and the nine
children are starving. They are about
to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless
someone pays their
rent, which amounts to $400."
"How terrible!" exclaimed the
preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"
The sympathetic visitor Akpors applied his
handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm
the landlord," he sobbed

POEMS written by WIFE and
HUSBAND to each other

WIFE: I wrote your name on sand
it got
washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my
heart & I got Heart Attack.
————————-
HUSBAND: God saw me hungry, he
created pizza. He saw me thirsty, he
created Pepsi.
He saw me in darkness, He
created light.
He saw me without problems,
He created YOU.

Husband: Do you know the
meaning
of WIFE?
It means, Without Information,
Fighting Everytime!
Wife: No darling, it means,
With Idiot For Ever
=)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =)) =))
Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,
So I'd be in your hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that you
were a
newspaper,
So I could have a new one
everyday
_______________­_______________­__
Doctor: Your husband needs rest
and peace. Here are some
sleeping
pills.
Wife: When must I give them to
him?
Doctor: They are for you
_______________­_______________­__
Wife: I had to marry you to find
out
how stupid you are.
Husband: You should have
known it
the minute
I asked you to marry me.
_______________­_______________­__
Husband: Today is Sunday & I
have
to enjoy it.
So I bought 3 movie tickets.
Wife: Why Three?
Husband: For you and your
parents
_______________­_______________­__
Wife: What will you give me if I
climb the great Mount Everest ?
Husband: A lovely Push...!!!

Lender:...u cnt escape nw. Pay me my dime.

Borower:... if i kil myself i'l b free 4rm u (he puls out aknife n stabs hmself n dies)

lender: (smiles n says) if u thnk u cn die wit ma money yo jokin,i'l folow u til u pay (also stabs hmself n dies)

meanwhile sm guy watchin at adist laughs n says "thz guys r fools i must watch ths to da end" so he piks up da knife n stabs hmself....

a police man pas'g by saw ths n he said,i shd follow up ths case,he also does d same.

if u wana kno wat hapnd nxt u knw wat 2 do!

(COUPLE SILENT IN BEd)

Wife thinks:

Why is he not talking to me? Is he thinking of another woman?

Does he like someone else?

Is he seeing someone?

Don't I appeal to him anymore?

Are wrinkles showing on my face?

Is he trying to dump me?

Is he now finding me ugly?

Have I put on weight at the wrong places?

Does my make up repel him these days?

Is he upset with my nagging?

WHY IS HE UPSET?!?

[What the Husband is realy thinking :-]

Why on earth did Wenger release Van Persie to Man United?!? WENGER MUST GO!!