₦airaland Forum

TeejayMaya:
Bros, having read all ur comments its now obvious and crystal clear that you are a Nigerian lying and pretending to be a white guy (even ur picture says it all)... Hmm I wonder if joblessness is the cause of this or wat exactly is ur gain in all dis drama cos I find it really hard to fathom.

And for the other people commenting and believing this guy, well I'd say it's a reflection of our society today where many are so gullible hence why 419 is so thriving in the country instead of truely examining information before believing them as expected of a truely educated and enlightened individual. Anyway common sense isn't common as the popular saying goes.

At this junction i rest my case, a word they say is enough for the wise. Thank You

...at this point, I would prefer if this were the case.

She is going to hate me. Her family is going to hate me. How could I have been so stupid as to ruin those beautiful memories. I am a fool.

Eya...after three years, I think I have broken her heart

What have I done? I am a terrible person.

xcapizt:
Well, sorry I if I sounded hostile. I didn't mean to. Is she deeply into the Christian thing? Cause I've had a similar experience and I was friend zoned because I was no longer born again. At least that's what I told myself.

Yes she is very christian. I have been pursuing her quite a while. Eventually I gave up and typically, she seemed to want to talk again.

She has not really talked about her feelings with me for a while. Her mentioning this storge thing is different. She has not talked like this with me before.

Like I have said...she just flashed me, just this second. She has not tried to call me for a few weeks. Very weird.

I don't get this Christanese. Perhaps storge means something in particular to Christian women.

Although...as I hit the enter button on that last post...she called me. How weird is that? She has not called me in weeks.

xcapizt:
What? You don't believe me? Why don't you just ask her what she meant and save yourself the trouble?

Why so hostile? I wasn't disagreeing with you.

I thought it was what she meant. You have just confirmed it.

TrickofTech:
Ah ha.

"Friendzone" in English

Ouch

Ah ha.

"Friendzone" in English

When toasting a christian woman, she texts me saying that what I have been saying makes her "storge".

I am not Christian so I don't really get what she means. I know it is to do with love.

Help.

Seened:
I wonder how things turned out between Tech and his Yoruba 'crush'?

You know that I promised I would not post on here again!!!

I am fully prepared for a torrent of abuse from nairalanders. It is what I am used to!

Since posting last it has continued to go back and forth. Get hot. Then cold. Then freezing. It is still ongoing.


I have nothing against Nigerians. Nigeria culture. I am very fond of it. I have spent 3 months in your wonderful country and I loved every bit of the experience. As I have found, there are huge differences over things like courting and dating.

You see, where I am from. Acting the big man, flashing the cash, boasting, trying to manipulate and trick a woman, trying to bed women...THAT IS CHILDISH. It is seen as being the teenage behavior of a boy, not a man. Being open, honest, trusting, giving and loving...and being confident and self assured and secure doing it. THIS IS MANLY.

I was (and will always be) very fond of this Yoruba lady. I do not want to woo her. I do not want to entice her with money. I do not want to trick her into bed. I want her to see in me what I saw in her. A lovely and honest person that is attractive. She never needed to use any tricks with me. She did not need to seduce me. I loved her for who she was.

Yet despite all of this. To this day. She cannot be open with me. She cannot just relax on the phone and talk with me. Instead she plays these games of suggesting things...ignoring my calls and then calling me repeatedly when I try and move on. She tells me that she has a partner...but when I think "that means she is unavailable"...and try and move on. She begins to pursue me again!!!!!

These are just stupid childish games. I have a genuine care, love and respect for her. Not just as a woman, but as a person. Can you actually believe that she told me "you care too much for me" (like it was a bad thing!). Yet she still pursues me!

In my country, this kind of behavior means the following, she is not serious, she is childish, she likes attention, she is shallow, she is manipulative, she is insecure, she does not respect me.

And so it continues....

Most recently, I got angry that she asked me to call...and then ignored my calls. So I gave up. I did not try and call for a good two weeks. After 3 day, I began getting flashed by an unknown number. I tried to call her and she ignored my call again!

Eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Have I upset her or something? I don't understand.

I am tired of playing these stupid childish games. Have I not demonstrated my love for her enough already? When are we actually going to get to talking like adults. WHY WONT SHE JUST TALK?..tell me how she feels! What she is thinking!

I have asked her!

You have said I am mad o. She has done this like 3 times in the last week. I told her to flash me when she wanted to talk. This has always been the way with us. Yet she has started flashing me and then blocking my calls when I tried to call back. It is only after yesterday when she did it that I remember seeing her doing in on her phone while we were in Nigeria.

She is bullshit. A player. I want to be with someone who thinks I am special...not just some other guy who has to compete for her. I never saw her that way.

Ha! You make it sound as it is my fault.

No I have had it I think. I have been a man. I do confront her about these things, she avoids talking of them. I have...as you say, observed her behavior. This is something she has done to me before, blocking my calls. The phone rang three times and got the busy tone. She flashed me first (which she does to get me to call back). I get the feeling that there are many guys that she is doing this with...I remember it in Nigeria also.

You may think this is "normal", but in the UK, a girl pursues one guy and if she really loves him and is in to him...they do a thing called TALKING. I should not have to pressure her into talking to me, I should not have to play mind games to get her to open up to me and tell me her feelings. She should want to do it herself.

For the first time I think I have probably read the situation properly. I think that maybe she is not the best person for me to be around. In my life, people do not say I love you and then behave in this way. Those are not words you just say, they are words with deep meaning and consequence. Clearly she does not feel the same. So I wish her the best of luck, but I don't want to talk to her anymore.

Can someone please shed some light on this! Is this her just playing with my feelings for fun? For attention?

Or is it something to do with Yoruba culture?

Usually when a man has expressed his feelings for a woman and she reciprocates. The playing hard to get game can end...and they can begin to talk to each other openly and maturely.

So why did she tell me that she loves me...then flash me...before blocking my calls?

I do not understand.

Whoever said "attention seeker" is right. In a blink of an eye...it has ended. I texted her this evening. She instantly flashed me. I thought she wanted to chat...I called and she blocked my calls twice.

Now I understand. Now I see. The calls at night...she knew that I would not respond. She knew that I would assume that she wanted to talk to me, but that I had missed her. She wants my attention...not me.

How could she do this to me? God it hurts so much. This is not rejection, she told me that she loved me. She is deliberately playing with my feelings. Why would you say that to someone?

I have asked her not to contact me anymore. God I thought she was something that she is not. Reality hurts and the reality is that she is not serious...but she is happy to mess about with my heart for fun.
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If I ever post on here again...can someone please remind me not to get involved with her. Does she enjoy hurting people or something? Does she enjoy the power? God. I have blocked everything, facebook, phone, I don't want anything to do with her again.

Sorry again for my endless posts.

I got there in the end.

ivyy: You again always bout this naija babe
Are you trying to tell me that over the years of creating threads about her , your still confused
You ned help

Permanently confused. I am sorry that I cannot read her mind abi! Perhaps you have a super power that I do not know about. It has taken 9 months for her to tell me that she loved me. I took a while but I was open and honest about how I felt towards her long before she said this.

And people accuse me of not communicating! smh. I am not very good at this sort of thing. I guess I kind of expected her to be upfront and honest about her feelings once I had.

I cannot read women's minds...particularly when they are thousands of miles away and communicating by text and telephone. I also have not been in a relationship for years. So give me a break.

Why is it okay for women to play games, to be confused, to not know what they want, to keep men guessing, to hide their feelings...but not men? It just pisses me off. I want a proper conversation with her...being romantic is fine, but when is she actually going to start engaging in conversation about where we go from here. Smh.

eeewise: My email eeewise@hotmail.com INCASE to chat or smetn so we talk.but one way To KNW IF SHE for real is ""START TELLING HER ABT UR DECISION TO RELOCATE TO NIGERIA AND STAY PERMANENTLY.abt d lack of a good job,taxes and co in d uk.always projecting u staying in nigeria permanently.1,if she loves u for real she wil flow along with u.encourage u to come and be willing to stay with u anywere even if it means forgetin living in d west. 2,if she is in love with d idea of staying in d west[uk] she wil always object u coming to settle in nigeria permanently and talk u into stayn n d uk or look for a way to escape frm u.....................NB on anoder note.. if u really love her u shd also b proud to show her to ur family and friends

I understand. I will email you ewise. When she was expressing some interest and mentioning travelling and finding a partner, I jokingly suggested that I would like to move out to Nigeria (more as a test) while in Nigeria. Her reaction was "no". In my head I decided at that point that she was after relocating rather than me. Then as time wore on and in phone calls, she has expressed a bigger desire for me to return, rather than coming to my country.

So I don't know.

I would be proud to show her to my family...and when it comes down to it, I would side with her if they couldn't accept it, because I do love her. But you cannot deny the cultural differences. Also, I value what my family think. They are going to tell me to be careful, they are going to doubt her intentions, they are unlikely to support me in my decision and agree with it. This is why I myself need to trust her fully, because I would be telling my family that they are WRONG about the situation and that I trust her. I want to know that I am making the right choice and taking a risk that is worth taking...which I think is only natural.

Okay. It is not as if I want to argue with everyone here on Nairaland. I came here for your advice, not just because I think it could help, but because I assumed that you guys are mostly Nigerian. If I even need to say all of this again, yes I am a real oyinbo, yes all of this did really happen. I know that I am not particularly great at all this. I know I do not have a lot of experience with dating and courting western women let alone Nigerian women. Women are women, I understand that, but there will be cultural differences, which is why I came here.

It is not like I have many people to talk to about it. I have mentioned it to my friends and they are all of the assumption that she is trying to play me. That she is not interested in me, that it will end badly. That all she cares about is coming to the west. People can be very judgmental. Even trying to mention this to my family will get the same reaction. They will all tell me to "be careful" and not to trust her. But they do not know her, they have not lived with her. I feel as if I can trust her, that I want to trust her. But to me, love is about mutual respect and valuing the other person for who they are, not what they can give me (or what I think they can give me). I am so much more than an oyinbo, just as I know that she is so much more than a black woman...or Nigerian. I don't care about skin color of background (wealth)...I DESPERATELY want to know that she feels the same. But how do I ask her that kind of thing? Will she understand what I mean?

I am not longer with her....I do not see her face to face on a day to day basis anymore. But I still have strong feelings for her. I would move on but I want to fight for her, it turns out that she says she has the same feelings for me. She has chased me also.

I know the answer. I have to do something...if I really love her, I need to do something to ensure that we are together. But noone on this forum seems to understand how worried I am about taking that risk and committing. It is such a huge thing, to tell my family that I have found someone, to relocate, to change my life. I would feel a lot better about the whole thing if she would just talk to me and open up about how she feels and what she wants...what she expects from all this. Because I know...and I have told her. I want to be with her, romantically, aiming towards a long lasting, mutually loving, faithful relationship. I want children and a family.

I will continue to talk to her and try and work it out.

joromi: Abeg, free this my sister jare

You've not started dating her, you already see her as a liar/manipulator

Raabish

Dating by telephone and text...across continents. Is this real dating abi?

I guess what confuses me is HER lack of openness. I know men are supposed to take the risks and express how they feel. I have done plenty of this...but if there is NO feedback...there is no difference between someone just talking at a woman who is not interested and someone who is talking to a woman who is shy or unconvinced yet.

She has said things like:

"I want you to return"
"I luv you"
"I cannot wait forever to marry"
"I like your character"

etc.

She has questioned me on whether I would marry a Yoruba girl.
_______________________________

She told me that tru love was about thinking of the other person all the time. By her definition, I truly love her. That is not an issue. I have spent a lot of time and effort proving this to her, convincing her. Perhaps this is only right.

But surely I deserve some back too! Where is her conviction and strongly held belief that she wants me! Am I supposed to believe it from the little that she has already said?!!! She has chased me. But was that chasing for attention...to feel good because an oyinbo is trying to court her...or is it because she genuinely wants me.

Again I suppose I could ask her.

Either way I have messaged her some of my concerns. That I pray she wants me and not my attention and that I want someone who is serious, that I do not like being played with.

We have yet to talk about it.

eeewise: I tire for this confused guy o,he shd learn d art of communication and openness abeg.what stops him frm discussing this he put out here with her? Besides love is verb shown by wat u do,nt wat u say..any1 can be moved and say "I love u" smh mr trickoftech she doesn't Love u,she is attractd by d prospect of relocatn abroad to live and mayb a better life...#fact

"I should have learnt the art of communication already"...well I haven't #fact

As I have said in other posts...I haven't date for a long time and I do not have much experience with it. Are you saying that because of this...I do not deserve the relationship? Everyone has to start somewhere.

For a start I have been open and honest. I have told her how I feel, why I like her, what I am hoping and aiming for. She has said nothing...besides I love you. I have shown my love in deeds too...which I will not go into.

I have tried communicating...it is her lack of communication that is causing the issues. She wants me to do all the chasing, all the talking, all the communicating...while she drops a few things here and there.

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My confusion is whether she a.) genuinely loves me for ME, my character...not my race or background

OR b.) she wants to have a better life at any cost...even if it involves getting involved with someone she does not particularly like (i.e. she is lying and manipulating me).


Posters have suggested that I just ask her. REALLY? Do you think if you asked a liar and manipulator if they were lying and manipulating...they would admit it?

I just guess I am a little confused at the moment. I expressed myself and she said "[my name]: I lvu u".

I will be upset if she is just playing with my heart.

Perhaps I need to cool off again. This is the first time she has opened up about her feelings for me. I cannot understand her.

Or she is testing me? She wants to know how much I feel for her?

I am not Nigerian so I do not really understand this...perhaps it is not a Nigerian thing, perhaps it is.

I expressed my feelings for a Naija babe. She then expressed her feelings for me...all by text. We know each other. I have stayed with her and her family.

She then began calling me very early in the morning. 4am...then 6am.

I have been asleep so have never answered.

This is confusing. Is it because she now wants to talk to me without her family listening? Or is she just pretending to have feelings for me to keep my attention...calling in the morning to show her interest (whilst knowing that I will not answer).

Confused.

Also...she has began calling me very late at night. I am talking the early hours of the morning the past few days.

I have not answered as I have been asleep.

Am I right in thinking that she is doing this so she can talk freely without anyone listening

ITbomb: Most people are suspicious of a Nigerian motive or action (and some have the right to be), the feeble minded runs away to mama while the strong minded study the system and benefit richly from it.

If you didn't pick her in the club or she wore seductive clothes around you.
BTW, I would like to know how you got the feeling that ' she is very pure, very honest and a born again christian'.
Is it something you saw when interacting with her (ie she could get the hint that you were under studying her) or it was an opinion collected from a none physical interaction (ie she was not aware and just living her normal life)

She talks a lot of god...it clearly means a lot to her. She goes to church every Sunday. This is perhaps normal for most Nigerian women I am not sure. She told me specifically that she is a "born again christian".

If I am honest, there is nothing that really makes me think she is not innocent and pure and honest. She behaves in a way that is almost naive and innocent to me. Yet at other times, she seemed very clued up and street wise. I am just nervous that all of it is a 'front' or an act. I mean she is in her late 20's. She seemed very christian and family orientated, but could it be true that she has never had an intimate relationship with a guy before.

It is very confusing coming from the west where women tend to be very liberal and un-religious and involved intimately with men. I guess what I am wondering is how much of her character is who she is, or who she wants me to believe she is.

I am not stupid. Whilst I feel I can put our differences in background to one side, I understand that there are differences. We both most likely have our own concerns.

She never "came onto" me sexually. I never did with her. I respected her and her family. Yet in hindsight (after she has now told me her feelings) there were times where she got me aside in Nigeria and made subtle attempts to get me to express my feelings.

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I want to believe and trust that she loves me for who I am. I feel I love her irregardless of her race, her background, her culture, her negative traits, her job, her wealth, her country.

Yet I must believe the same with her.

Please understand that there were many times in Nigeria that I felt us getting really close. Then she would suddenly say something and rightly or wrongly, I would interpret it in a certain way.

For example:

"I have always wanted to travel" = She wants me only as someone to take her to the west.
"White people are very kind/I really like your skin" = She is only interested in me because I am white.
"Nigeria is very dangerous, who will save me?" = She only wants me to 'save' her...she is not interested in me as a person
"I have tried to leave for the US before" = She only wants to use me to leave Nigeria

I may be wrong for thinking these things, they were few comments out of many...but as someone who wants a genuine partner with mutual love and a long lasting relationship and eventually a family. Can you not see how I would worry about these things?

ITbomb: It seems the feelings is mutual, I can't understand the hesitation

Trust...but is that my problem or because I am right to be suspicious?

It is hard to know.

Smily202: The job is already accomplish.....Wot do u expect us to advice u now.......

R u still scare. ......?...

Of course. I do not have so much pride that I cannot admit that. I am worried about many things...whether my family will accept this, whether she is genuine in her feelings, whether I can completely change my life and live in Nigeria, whether I can find a job there, whether I can survive in Nigeria (as you can appreciate...life in the West and Kwara are worlds apart), whether I will arrive and she would have changed her feelings for me, whether it will work, whether she will always remain faithful to me, whether I can learn yoruba and adjust to Nigerian culture. I have done it before, for 3 months...but this is quite different.

This is what I have been trying to say. It is not so easy abi. IT IS BIG. I do love her, I do not want to hurt her. But I do not want to be hurt myself...yet I want her.

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Unlike oluswaggz...I do not use women to boost how I feel about myself. I already like myself, whether I am in a relationship or not. I take no pride in bedding many women and playing with their minds. To me...that is GAD (sad and pathetic).

What I want is a stable, long lasting relationship, a family and woman who I love and who genuinely loves me. In Nigeria there was a mutual connection and respect with this girl. Enough to make me write all of these posts! Why else would I continue to post and chase her.

There are other women. Nigerian and UK who have expressed interest in me, but I want this one girl. No one else will do.

I must try.

So the hard part has ended, but an even harder part is now beginning.

oluswaggz: GAD!!!

Bitter and jealous = MUGU

On taking the risk on her character...all I have to go by are seeing her in Nigeria for some months (becoming close) and months of phone calls and texts.

It is not as if we have really had a face to face relationship recently. This adds to the risk.

True, true. I know. I just need to think about what I am going to do. To be honest, I did not imagine she felt the same in the first place. I had suspicions that she did, but I thought they were just my own suspicions.

I need to think about what I am going to do next. I want to go out there an be with her. I need a job where she is though...and I need to prepare myself for living in Nigeria. I also need to think about how I am going to explain all this to my family.

This is what I am saying. This is big. This as a huge thing...a huge life change. I just hope she appreciates this and that her intentions are honest and good.