Yahoo girl, you are not the first and won't be the last but I think you should focus your energy to leading a responsible life since you may have missed some grooming from parents. There lies genuine fears from some of those people.

They have started.



Na the matter dem dey settle since naim don reach here.

You come across as the only boy, the type that his sisters and family decide his affairs. How bad has the issue degenerate that you ran to your sisters already for solution? And this doesn't look the first neither will it the last. Even after the plenty poll of input from nairalanders, your sisters gave the deciding shot.

Then you met a girl like Cynthia who has been good with your family orientation, an uncommon feat for today's girls, if Cynthia is not pretending and no one has told you yet that's a huge plus for your lifestyle you are not ready to give away.

The first thing you described Cynthia with, is beauty, that is her selling point. If it wasn't for it, I bet you wouldn't even approach her in the first place. With her peasant earnings you affirmed your self, someone else likely was shouldering the responsibility till you came along. You choose her to also feel good among your guys that are here saying you should dump her. One even said you may find the one that will invest in your business, so much for a gold digger but the truth is you and these guys won't even look once in the direction of the type of girls that can bear with you and your dreams, because they are usually not beautiful from a hurried glance, like your dream they have future plans.

Truth is a girl like Cynthia will always be occupied with her beauty, it is her niche, you either can maintain it or bothered not initially. Now you have been so occupied with your dreams, putting everything and her on hold when some guys somewhere are willing to take up the responsibility. If you knew better, you would have spared sometime to help her start another business since dust is not good for her. What you don't know is that you would also be helping yourself as she would be busy with it to bother you. But you still are so occupied that it is your duty to provide, now you can't provide. What if things don't go as planned will she continue to put her life on hold (some people will say it's not your business to plan her life but I am replying some other guys will do it and overdo it and she is probably turning them down because of you or is it not you who said she is beautiful? Nigerian men spec!). What if you have even married her? and business is having a down time? To begin you don't even know her dream yet you want her to support yours.

Girls like Cynthia give more importance to beauty than building a life for themselves, since it is her type men like you will pick first, then be prepared for the responsibility. Everything has their ugly part. I once heard a man say he can't marry a woman that doesn't love money because she won't push him to be rich. It sounds some how but it's got truth.

deji85:


My wife does a bulk of the cooking she also does the shopping from the market. I also help with the chores. I clean the floors except for kitchen and our bedroom almost every Saturday morning. Laundry is easy as we have a washer dryer. And yes she cooks very well.

Perhaps she can do well with a restaurant business, back up with other hardworking hands. You will need to help her persevere till she see positive output.

deji85:


You read my mind in your last paragraph, we don't have a child yet but I can't say proudly that I want a daugther that will be like my wife neither do I want to raise sons who think this is normal.

She is good in other areas, she respectful my family especially my mom loves her deeply.

It is even worse if it's a son, as you can see, society won't disturb her too much as long as she is married and to a well to do man.

Trust me, these kinds of people can be very hardworking if they finally find that thing they can do with good returns. Please bear with her, infact let her know it is a problem innate in her and not her fault, she didn't choose to be that way. If she can accept and begin to see things clearly, it will be a motivation to push herself because she now knows she need more push to get up unlike an everyday hardworking person and she will also nip it early in any of her child who shows trait because it's mostly inherited. So please see how you can set her up, if she sees progress you won't need to push too much any more.

Agbagbaregoo:

Thanks man. I will do that. She dey madd

Now now now she don they madd, hope she really stick to her gun and flee like someone up there said.

You sent her statement and ghosted her. When your police was interogating her and she needed you to clear some air, did you pick? When she wanted to convince you more she didn't get it with proof did you pick? How about say she wanted to suggest a way to clear things, did you pick her call? She was suspected a thief and must remain so until proven otherwise before you can have anything to do with her.

This was what I was hammering on in my topic yesterday. Inbuilt laziness, you hardly notice it if the person is still working. Your mistake was letting her stop that job. Her type mostly do well on a ready platform, they lack the motivation and perseverance to build from the scratch. Op, as long as you continue to provide she will scarcely get up.

That 4m was too much for a person who has never done business before, she didn't do feasibility study well before taking a full dive. The fashion thing may have worked but she couldn't be patient either and probably not good in the tailoring.

Stop asking her what to do, either you set up a business where another manages and she supervise the other people or you start something from small for her, put someone good like good hair dressers in a saloon and let it grow, stop throwing huge sums for something you are not sure or better still bring her into what you do.

You will have to be her push till she can move on her own like a "push and start car". The earlier you realise this, stop complaining and start pushing her the better because she's already your cross and I believe she is good in other areas, also thank God you have money to pick up again.
Very importantly, watch out for any of your child that may pick this trait from her and start pushing the child early to correct it on time.

Ariza:
I'm sorry if it hurt you but it is the plain truth.

With Love comes acceptance. If you can accept that he did nothing wrong, that he loves you and still loves you only then will you be able to let go and forgive the "offences" you thought he committed. Then you can revive the memories you shared, yes those memories you buried while trying to move on. Wake them back. Miss him and then apologize to him.

Taking the children might seem difficult but that's because you see them as your husband's children not your, do away with that perception. See them as your gift. Your precious gift.

In all, Acceptance is the key. Let go off the rope, accept your husband and your gift and enjoy peace. I wish you success as you fight back for your HOME.

You have a good point, it was what I was subtly directing her to see but don't lie to her the man never did wrong. You think it's that easy to move past it like something terrible never happened. Yes the man and his mother took some measures to show they still love and respect her but it doesn't change the fact that they hurt her deep and deliberately too. Forgiveness is what you should direct her to look into because at least they took thought of her in their scheming. She can't be lying to herself or you that she can love her hubby and the kids just like that. It will take time before things can become normal again if at all they will, she need time to decide by herself not blackmailed into believing nothing was amiss.

On acmepreneur, some people are just naturally lazy, if it is not discovered on time and corrected it becomes very difficult to correct in adulthood. They only move when their comfort zone is totally removed from them.

The sensible ones do well when put into a structure but can hardly create a structure by themselves, they lack the motivation to pick up themselves when they fall especially if there is still something to sustain them no matter how little.


You just have to create a sustainable and worthy platform for him to manage other wise he can hardly start a thing from the scratch. The danger in marrying such men is that if they fall out of job, as long as you still bring in something, they can hardly find their feet. So brace up to either decide you can't cope with that or be ready to take him like that because of his other good sides and see how you can bring him in to sustainance through what you have created.

Hunye:


After all this long epistle what advise are you giving me?

Go back to my husband?
Get married to the Widower that I love?
Get a new man?

My advice was there, take some time for your self, if your husband call you tell him you need an alone time to decide what is best for you, tell the new man you want to take some time off, don't entertain calls from him before he fools you more. With enough quiet you time, you would process rationally what is best for you. I am not saying just rush back to your husband, think well and deep if you can go back to him or not and what things you and him must put in place for your security if you decide to go back. I am sure your relations with the new man is less than a year and he is rushing you for marriage without proper divorce, another big red flag.

You really do think you already love the new man, I pray you don't find out the hard way. You are not fully healed to see well.

You are desperate too to make up for the pain your husband cost you with this new man. You are seeing all the warnings but you too desperate to tell your own happy ending. The new man is Godly, loving, can give his life for you, what is your proof from someone you met online? Just hear yourself, a man done having kids will give his life for you to have kids.

Do you know what it means to handle a divorced man with kids, you can't love those innocent twins but you want to love grown mostly difficult teens that are formed or you think they are not in the picture? Have you satisfactorily answered the question of what led to his first wife's death and the second wife leaving? You think you are his missing rib ordained from heaven? He promised to give you a child base on the god that he is, therefore everything else will not matter to you until they matter more than the child you so want. You want a child so bad and think it's love, has it crossed your mind that the man is looking for a woman that can't bear kids to take care of him and his kids, or you think you are the only one with a selfish agenda.

Your husband really did hurt you, you also said his mum pushed him to do it. You have no proof the desperate woman didn't give your husband kids from another man, this is btw though. Give your self time to tend to your wound and decide if you can forgive your husband or move on.

What is your exit plan if the new man is worse? can't give you a child too? Will you be divorced the second time? and how many reproductive years are you sure you can waste there? I'm not saying you shouldn't get a better man but your husband seems better than this one. You want to enjoy his money too ahn? You are so sure? Note, you are on a rebound and not thinking objectively.

Xcelinteriors:

Please tell me the things to tell him because I don't know. I really plan to flog that stupid feeling away from him when we get home

People still think sex education is only for the boy child.
The boy has his mind filled with things he has seen from movies and other channels. He thinks when a boy sees a beautiful girl, it's a normal thing for him to declare his feelings, he doesn't know there are right ages and circumstances for boy to meet girl.

This is why his mind needs to be redirected by you. You let him know the feeling he has is not the right one, not even strong enough for what he perceives. Madam what he has is crush common among today's kids. Hope you have not allowed your emotions to make him withdrawn ever from you as far as sexualities are concerned. If you still need what to say to him, send a mail to uneedtotalk40@gmail.com.

Confusedwomsn:


No, he was very good and loving. He was my best friend and lover

Madam stop responding now, can't you see you are attracting too many wrong people and you will only end up hurt? The thread has served its purpose, take a bow and continue with what you have gotten offline.

Confusedwomsn:
I now truly believe I'm being manipulated and abused emotionally.
We had s deep talk about separating and all of s sudden money that I always quarrel and fight for food suddenly pooped out and he even got fuel willingly. I bet you if I'm open to sex he will but in the next two weeks he will turn back to tormenting me.
This is s true life story..

I was asked why he is still with me.

He doesn't love me and does not want to lose my love. He knows I love deeply and I'm all about building our home with my being and he is scared of that.
I'm not falling for it anymore, today I've realized my worth.

I never trapped or deceived any one with pregnancy, I'm not desperate to be married and my biggest mistake was loving this man.
I fell in love with my best friend, shared my darkest fears and secrets with him, I've been s loyal wife and mother and served with my sweat.
I'm not perfect but I'm gold, I know my worth..i refuse to be manipulated again .

Thank you for your words, I appreciate.

If you really love yourself ensure you go through with the separation, it is the opportunity you need if at all anything can be right. If you like stay there and be saying he is the one to move out while he buys time to master a new manipulation technique that will take you another five years to uncover.

Let him go and figure out what he really want while you figure yours. If he must come again, the records must be straight. If you fall for let's work things together, it will be your biggest mistake. Let him have the feeling of a valued treasure that can be lost if not well managed you never gave him that option. Imagine, you allowed him to waste your youth for nothing. You are still not even 30, and you want to be comfortable with him turning you to a nun, physically and emotionally battered soul, widow yet married. You hold the knife and yam now, opportunities don't repeat sometimes. Be also prepared to forge ahead if all hope is lost.

This is for that girl (similar others) that is crushing and hoping for a returned crush because he always looked at her whenever their path cross.

You looked at someone, he or she smiled back, you like their appearance or something about them. You start thinking things up your mind and catching feelings without being very sure if the feeling is mutual or if the person is the kind you should be with on a normal day or even available. You allow yourself to be carried away and can't bring yourself to order when you eventually get the returned crush but he/she has other intolerable characters.

Control yourself and very quickly too. If you find yourself crushing on someone control yourself and check on whether their character is worth it, whether they are available and if the feeling is mutual.

For the said girl, she wasn't sure if the feeling is mutual, the guy didn't collect her number for the times they met, she already saw another girl who cooked for the guy, the guys has gone home from break probably never even given a thought about her but the girl has been too occupied with thoughts of him.

People know when you like them, they can return the feelings genuinely or take advantage of your like selfishly.
The problem with crushing without control is you can even attract the person to you, trust me, thoughts are powerful and attract but what are you attracting? If you attract the wrong one, you will hurt yourself along the way.

When you are too lost in your crush, you will take all manner of nonsense just to continue to satisfy your crush crave but like all crushes, it will wear off and you will see what has always been there but perhaps by then alot of damage would have been done.

Crushing is allowed but do it with sense, check for the three main things I talked above before you continue else crush the crush. It is easy for a guy to take his crushing to asking out but not easy and advisable for girls in our clime. As a girl if you even make the move because you saw he is good and available, he may quickly lose all interest in you not because he is a bad person but because many men prefer to hunt not to be hunted. He may never value you because you came too cheap. But here is my advice, although not everyone has what it takes to do this without losing control of their senses. Put yourself where he can always see you or something about you, I mean leave an imprint of you he can see when you are not there so that he can fall in love with you properly and come to do the asking instead. But you must have a heart that has a margin for rejection incase he is still not interested so that you can move on easily. Not everyone can move on easily so don't do it if you can't.

For your relationship issues and questions, send a mail to uneedtotalk40@gmail.com. Your confidentiality is considered.

Confusedwomsn:
I've asked for s separation but he said no, we should live together and maybe one day thevlove will grow back.

I said okay let's have one child together while waiting for the love to grow back, he said he is not sure.
When I make move to leave, he will act nice and treat me nicely and later he will go back to normal.

You said he was your friend and lovely but you didn't know him. I see you were too blinded by love. That someone is a good friend doesn't mean he/she is good for marriage. You were looking at he is a church choir member, gist with you and nonsense. Was he not also not unserious about life generally then? Was he the one doing house chores then? I bet you also shouldered the bulk financial responsibilities in the name of he didn't have much.

Look, you lived your life with too much fear and Landed into a bigger problem. Now you are continuing with more fearful living. If you had sense then you would have asked him to marry you first since you claimed he was perfect and all but you asked for pregnancy first because you knew the implication of waiting for marriage from an unserious someon like him.

Now you want to have all your children from him not minding he can beat out that womb you want to use or that you can deprive your child of a mother by the time he kills you because you so wanted to give him a father. Only one child you are frustrated already and you are decieving yourself that when it's two you won't send him when I can see that your frustrations will double and you will provoke him to main or kill you.

That dude is not ready for marriage life, he is feeling you may have rushed him to make mistake and yet keeping you in case he is the one wrong. He is both eating his cake and having it because you gave him yours. He is living his life, you are wasting yours. You are nearly dead to sex, next you would be dead to your senses that tells you something is not wrong with you for asking for things to be done right. They are already telling you to swallow every shiit he gives you, then you will only see shiit as good eventually.

Separate from him and let him decided if he wants you this time but no you want to die there.

This thread is majorly for counseling singles on relationship issues because in there is safety in the multitude of counsel.

Issues will be treated as they arise. Beginning with a post where someone trusted a girl friend with huge money sum because of one act of kind gesture.

Alot of people fall in love totally and turn a blind eye to other essentials because of one or insignificant number of aspects of a partner and then can't see other flaws only to have their worlds and confidence dashed to pieces when love alone no longer matter.

People fall in love because she is the most beautiful girl that ever came their way, you can't afford to lose out on her so other things shouldn't matter. He is the only lover that ever cared for me this way, therefore you can't see the too many baggages that will throw you and their care off balance if their other sides are put on scale.

It goes to show such people have never defined what they want in the first place as a result are swept off with just a dazzle of glitter.

The said poster threw all caution to the wind because he assumed love is a pre-perfect match that can only be with that one person or no body else. No love is who you give it to and it is only perfect if you give that one person who is compatible with you and you are too with.



Another lady poster also told of how as a single under 30 age old she ended up with a man with kids from different women and added to the statistics. It could only be an unhealthy self esteem. It makes people go for the available for fear that another won't come. Issues from past relationships, pressures from family, fear of the unknown makes people want to just grab this one and go. They leave no margin for the long term effects, they just want to be hooked now, they only see now but what shall it profit you to enter and come out too soon with scars and fears bigger than what you had. Some will even stay for shame sake and watch themselves die by amortization.

Are there issues you want counsel for? Or you wish to discuss for clarity and direction, send a mail to uneedtotalk40@gmail.com, your confidentiality is protected with utmost priority.