@poster

Your wife might most likeley have her faults, buts lets focus on you
you see, women tend to like super heroes
She just has to see you as a magician when she needs one

Her younger ones are dear to her. You cannot escape them
Infact, look around you, you will find that the wife's relatives tend to enjoy more from the husband than the husband's own relatives
na so life be.

Some of us guys are so aware of this dynamics that we dock girls who come with family responsibilities
You've married yours with her responsibilities, you need to stand by her

There is so much that you can do with her
It is almost impossible to give all suggestions

But a divorce when you already have 2 kids after only 3 years of marriage
uhmm, i no know o
So the next woman will also have at least 2 kids for you abi?
She will also have 2 kids for the next man abi?


I am begining to yarn crap, but you guys probaly should try thinking rationally and not emotionally
You could try being seperated first before commencing divorce if you so wish

I must commend you for stating the two sides to your family issues. You have presented it in such a mature manner that is very rare when people narrate their problems. This maturity must now translate into actions when dealing with your immediate family.

At this moment please do not get into any verbal argument with your wife even if she provokes you. Now take these actions:
1. Pray (since you are a Christian), remember men should always pray and not give up (Luke 18:1).
2. Be very calm.
3. Worship in "her" church (even if you don't like their doctrine) this sunday and seek an audience with the (her) Pastor and explain everything you have stated here (a faceless forum) to him. You might be surprised that GOD whom you have prayed to may use her Pastor/church to save your marriage.
4. Explain to your wife that she should give you some time to sought out all the issues she has mentioned noting that some of them can only be solved as your income improves while other issues that don't need money will be dealt with.
5. Don't accept her divorce except on the grounds of infidelity and violence (threat to life).
6. Long lasting happy marriages take hard and smart work. So if you want yours to succeed, work hard and smart at it.
7. Enjoy life with your wife whom you love...(Ecclesiastes 9:9).

I don't even know what to say right now, many ppl have made valid points especially pendo and esere.

The underlining message I get from this story is Yinka(op) refuses to help his wife with house chores and taking care of his kids. He is so concerned about fitting his supposed role as a man and earning more than his wife while forgetting that marriage is more about team work.

Lack of understanding by both parties, no compromise from both parts. I doubt u guys maturity to communicate effectively without arguing. I will say see a marriage counselor or a psychologist. It will provide an arena where y'all can say what's bothering you, what you want changed, while ensuring that the other party is listening and not just hearing. It also provides an atmosphere where y'all can agree on a compromise.

Nagging husband. Compare ur issues n hers for a man u seem to have lot of issues with her and they all seem superficial all ur wife wants is more love and attention. Meet her half way . Most women mirror the way they r treated in a marriage most of her issues r love n attention if u fix that u will ve d perfect wife u want my friend always says threat a woman like an angel n she will take u to heaven.

Nashville: Poster,

I read through most of your post and I can understand what you are going through. Thankfully, you have not mentioned what I would think are the toughest problems to handle in Nigerian marriages which are - infidelity, violence and lack of children.

My advice for you two is that you should try and be friends again. I understand the complaints of both parties and as a fellow man, I will adivce you.

1. Make time out for your wife. Love her again. From your post, it seems she is feeling neglected and alone. You need to make her feel loved again. I was initially worried when you said she calls several guys and talks to them but if you don't think she's cheating then I wouldn't bring it up. You need to woo her again. Thankfully your mother is staying so take her out more, you know she loves going out.

2. Compromise with her. You claim she does not want to do things your way, but marriage is about compromise. Even though you are the head of the family, you cannot have your way all the time. She is probably feeling she is not being heard and her opinion does not matter. You need to reassure her that she is your partner in this race of life. Let her have her way sometimes, let her go to her church sometimes. We all worship the same God unless you think they worship satan in her church

3. You need to understand her and help her become a better person. I may be wrong but I think your wife may not have had a father figure in her life - either her parents got divorced or her father died early. So she may not know how to be that proper wife. You need to try to understand her bond with her mum and siblings. Her mum probably suffered to bring all of them up together, so she may be too attached to her mum and siblings. So please, don't just tell her to cut them off.


4. Talk to her softly rather than argue. Learn to listen to understand and not listen to argue. It's easy to argue and there is no sense in winning an arguement in marriage. Trying to win an arguement in marriage is senseless as you will always have to consult that person on every other issue. Bible says love covers a multitude of sins.

5. I see suttle competition between you two. You should complement each other and not compete with each other. You cannot be better than you wife in life. You two are one and you should help each other. The Bible says "two are better than one", when one is down, the other pulls him/her up. You should uplift each other and not try to put each other down.

I understand how you feel bro but I can tell you that your wife is not a bad person or a bad wife. She is not perfect but at least typical or even above average so you are not facing anything that other men are not going through. Divorce is not the answer. Understanding her and her emotions is the answer!

A very mature piece of advice. Save it and read it over and over and over again.

Each year in marriage is a new discovery of ones spouse, basically the two of uu r justt facing the challenges in marriage which we all do at the beg. Of our marriage but what matters. A lot is how well u r able to handle such challenges when it arise so that it does not turnout to divorce.

U talked a lot about ur career, but u seem to 4get that u can focus on ur career n also ve fun. During those period u were writting ur exams u neglected ur wife I presume she felt lonely so she got attached to male friends whoo she could confide in. Ur talk about. Ur career that u ve surpass ur wife, sounds as if u r competing with her. Marriage is not about competition.

About ur Mum, yeah I understand u being a lovely son to ur mum by housing her, but honestly she has to leave ur house.its not haelthy for both of them.

On Sex, its obvious at d early stage she enjoyed it but when tins did not turn out as she expected couple with a child to cope with her attitude changed.

On her relationship with her parents n siblings;she had been striving 4 them b4 u got married to her, u dnt knw wat they ve gone thru b4 u meet her, u dnt knw if in time past they had to go to bed without food in their stomach,now she has money u dnt expect her to turn a blind eye on them.

The long and short of the story is that COMUNICATION is lacking in your marriage. U. Need to work on it. Play the matured one by calling her at the right time to tallk about how u feel, talk also about her she feels, d way forward etc. Divorce is not d solution

Theories on how to drive a car from blind folk. Advice on marriage from students and unmarried people. Forget all that, as someone said, grow some balls and you will be fine. Call her bluff. Let her have the kids for now. Is it that easy? She will beg last. Na beans? I am always fascinated by boys who try and do what men do. The inner weakness never fails to show. To be a man is not easy. Going through stuff like this and coming out the other end is what builds character.

@Yinka Oke,

Surprise surprise! So I have found you on Nairaland.
So your family is breaking up.
Nemesis is catching up with you.

@Everyone;
Pls take back all your good advise for this swine.

This maggot forgot to tell you about the other side of the story. He is hopeless womaniser who even seduces other peoples's wives and destroys other people's homes.
He has destroyed mine.

I refer all of you to my post last year.
https://www.nairaland.com/705239/neighbor-seduced-wife-now-im

As for you, Yinka Oke, Revenge is a Dish Best Served Cold.

You still have my sword of democles hanging over your head.
One day,just like a thief in the night, it will fall on you.

Enkidu: @Yinka Oke,

Surprise surprise! So I have found you on Nairaland.
So your family is breaking up.
Nemesis is catching up with you.

@Everyone;
Pls take back all your good advise for this swine.

This maggot forgot to tell you about the other side of the story. He is hopeless womaniser who even seduces other peoples's wives and destroys other people's homes.
He has destroyed mine.

I refer all of you to my post last year.
https://www.nairaland.com/705239/neighbor-seduced-wife-now-im

As for you, Yinka Oke, Revenge is a Dish Best Served Cold.

You still have the sword of democles hanging over your head.
One day,just like a thief in the night, it will fall on you.

I clicked on the thread
Jeez!!!

This whole thing is getting weirder
and sickening

...

chaircover: @enkidu I clicked on the link. . . . .what a story!!!

I must let you know though, that yinka oke is quite a common name so it may or may not the the same yinka oke.

How did you and your wife sort it all out in the end?

Yes I know. But the facts that this one is young in marriage with two young kids,works for an insurance company in VI, his wife works in Ikeja, and his familiar writing style convinces me that he is the one.

I am sure of it.

Woow! Enkidu, I am sorry that your marriage broke down. Are you really sure this is the same person though? Well, karma is a biatch. Sometimes we don't get to see others go through the hell they put us, but trust that life has a way of returning to them what they dish out for others. If the OP is guilty of all you have accused him of, then he is clearly misrepresenting himself on this post. How does an "introvert" and a "ambitious", "study freak" have so much time for all these activities. OP, if you are truly the culprit, just accept your fate. E don be for you.hahahahaha.

chaircover: @enkidu I clicked on the link. . . . .what a story!!!



How did you and your wife sort it all out in the end?

I did my best to mend the fracture, for the sake of my innocent child, but the centre could no longer hold.

We have recently separated and are heading towards Igbosere majistrate court for divorce.

Wow.

...

@Enkidu

really sorry about the sad situation

I would have advised that you shagged his wife in return,
but 9ja girls are not so great in sexual vengeance

Best wishes

...

Na wa oh.
Twists and turns....

@Mr Enkidu
How did you recognise his writing style? Is Mr Oke a writer or has he written to you before?

...

Oh, I see!
Thanks for clarifying ma....

Every marriage has its high and low moment and its obvious you are going through its low moments and maturity and compromise is required to overcome it.
Its obvious you two have issues. Your mum must leave that house as soon as possible though am sure the issues generated by her is less than 20percent. But foer the sake of peace get the apartment!
Also you two need to revisit the reason why you got married.what attracted you two to each other and all. Marriage is all about patching. Sit down together and draw the line. She will need to drop and stop somethings and same apply to you.
Instead of divorce why not seperate for say a month to cool off, gathEr yourself together and restrategize?

" Nashville tanx, I appreciate your response.
But a quick one, I find some similarities in ur points, like most of U said u sense some competition, how? I don’t think so, Is like saying the head of an organisation is competing with the head of a department in same organisation even though they’re working together to achieve a common goal, it’s not just possible. Biblical, God has made the man the head of the family and nothing can change that to eternity. If it was competition, i wouldn’t have gone to her Church which I have done severally even before I suggested we attend her Church and the new church we choose only that she never kept to our agreement.
If her opinion does count like most of you thought, u no that I don’t give her s change to take decisions, I wouldn’t have said she should find a new church for our family.
That I have neglected her, I beg to disagree, she was equally running her education and was equally busy on that, just that she is not just committed as I am. Surprisingly, for her own schooling, she even went as far as getting an accommodation outside home all in the believe that she want to get the best of result, she asked for my permission I allowed her for I wanted the best for her, she stayed outside home for 2years just for her programme thank God she’s now through.
So far so good I think I have been fair enough. I will write the full completion to this later.
@ Ekindu, I don’t know what u’re talking about, I don’t know ur family, u or ur wife, and please never jump to conclusion on matters that may look similar in some aspect as some as rightly said, for me you are just a distraction and I reject all of those your plan in Jesus name for they’re not for me I stay in Surulere and that’s were I am still staying currently so please extend your search further God help you.

yinkaoke: " Nashville tanx, I appreciate your response.
But a quick one, I find some similarities in ur points, like most of U said u sense some competition, how? I don’t think so, Is like saying the head of an organisation is competing with the head of a department in same organisation even though they’re working together to achieve a common goal, it’s not just possible. Biblical, God has made the man the head of the family and nothing can change that to eternity. If it was competition, i wouldn’t have gone to her Church which I have done severally even before I suggested we attend her Church and the new church we choose only that she never kept to our agreement.
If her opinion does count like most of you thought, u no that I don’t give her s change to take decisions, I wouldn’t have said she should find a new church for our family.
That I have neglected her, I beg to disagree, she was equally running her education and was equally busy on that, just that she is not just committed as I am. Surprisingly, for her own schooling, she even went as far as getting an accommodation outside home all in the believe that she want to get the best of result, she asked for my permission I allowed her for I wanted the best for her, she stayed outside home for 2years just for her programme thank God she’s now through.
So far so good I think I have been fair enough. I will write the full completion to this later.
@ Ekindu, I don’t know what u’re talking about, I don’t know ur family, u or ur wife, and please never jump to conclusion on matters that may look similar in some aspect as some as rightly said, for me you are just a distraction and I reject all of those your plan in Jesus name for they’re not for me I stay in Surulere and that’s were I am still staying currently so please extend your search further God help you.

Kai see the way we jump enter conclusion.
na so we for stone this guy like the typical 9ja jungle justice

To avoid jumping again, I hold my peace

I hate it I have to preach this.
You both have problems,whatever we say here is supposed to be for you both but you see she'll hear from others and whatever effort you make still relies on chance.
I believe in a free world where respect comes after love,a party in a relationship wants out,give it to her but request for time to see if you both can work it out and apply all everyone here has told you and if you can show her this post.Hey! for her you could kill back in the days,it hasnt changed.
If after working and no headway,let it go man but dnt fight over the kids instead workout how their future wouldnt be affected.You both have life ahead of you and doesnt have to be together and who says you cant re-marry?
But ask for time to start over again,at least now you both know where to make amends.
For the records,you both have done nothing wrong from what I see here.You both are sincere and love family so who is wrong?was anyone supposed to be wrong in this game? Its just each have been busy with other things abandoning his/her responsibility...and I see depression on both parties.
No matter what anyone says here against you or her,you both had your best days and nothing should take out that.
Our prayers are with you

.

I find this nostalgic of the same situation I find myself, almost every thing you have said here is the same for me.

I am a women with two children both girls expecting a third after pregnancy my husband deserted the marital bed (even though he has always been like that going after every thing fat in skirt)I was hoping he will at least change for better but he is only getting worse. I used to be caring but he has frustrated every effort i made to ensure we have a good relationship starting with ensuring all burden (house rent;children school fees and feeding) is taken care off by me.He does not have the culture of maintenance as a matter of fact he acts as if he could care less if I die in the hope of keeping everything together. He would rather spend money when he has any on his extended family,strings of girlfriends and borrow some to friends who will not pay back than assist in our home.

He is also xterised with an attitude of yelling at me being outrightly rude in the presence of some of his step sisters leaving with us. Some time early this year he pushed me to invest with a person who turned out to be 419 and behaved as if the money I invested was nothing more than coins for sweets in short his whole attitude is that of saddist/narcissist towards me, when I realised this is Abuse and nothing else i told him I want divorce he went round calling my family saying I was doing this because of the money I have.

I am so frustrated because his family do not help matters as the mother knows all this and probably in someways encourages it too. He complains I talk too much when I call his attention severally to things that needs his attention which never gets done.

I need counsel seriousely for the sake of my children.

thank you

She caters to her mum but your own mom lives under your roof. ( all children do their head same at the back of their mama)

Her family is not your responsibility but only your wish (did this woman grow from the ground)

You have now surpassed her in education ( no competition truly)

Salary wise you earn 3 times more than she does (no competition)

She wears designers, drives a car ( no competition)

She caters to her family ( shebi they are not your responsibility)

A man is the head of the home (a wise man serves as a leader in his home)

Work on your self esteem and redefine what being a leader is. You can not forcefully lead but you can inspire respect and submission. Do this fast before your kids start living under another man's roof and calling him daddy. A word is enough.

This marriage is a typical example of what marrying out of pressure and wrong reasons could be like.

OP, the problem with your marriage can be traced back to the starting point, how?

You never knew who you wanted to marry and you went ahead to marry her, why?
How in the world should people of so much difference marry? You and your wife do not agree religiously whereas all humans are shaped by their belief and most of their belief are religious and supplied by their religious background, so why did you married someone who doesn't cherish your religious belief? That's your mistake no1.


In as much as I condemn women who marry basically for money, I am totally against guys marrying without a stable financial means to support a comfortable family. You married without financial readiness and this made your wife to assume a certain position in the marriage which she is finding difficult to let go now...


There are lots of irregularities in your marriage, and all of them can be traced back to WHY DID YOU MARRIED THIS YOUR WIFE PLS? What was the connection point? Who lured who into this unhappy union? Did she lured you into or did you lured her or was it a mutual happy union?


I love my mom so so much sometimes I feel like marrying her if possible, but then, you are married, and you ought to have known before now that Nigerian women and maybe other country women I don't know, generally hate to co-habit with their mother-in-laws, so please find your mom a place or where are your other siblings, your dad, etc?


You wife happens to come from a bad family background with a bad mother, so try and have that in mind, and I am still angry with you for not studying the family you wanted to marry into before getting married. Single guys out there should please pay attention to the family of the girl you want to marry, they matter a lot, and they most times define the success or failure of a marriage.

My anger here is the fact that you guys already have kids, it hurts me to see innocent kids go through this, sighs, if not temporary separation seems to be the best solution right now, not really a divorce.


I want to also tell you that your wife is seeing another man or men, yes people maybe shying away from this truth but she is, and she is trying to compare you with those men who maybe more financially buoyant than you and she really wants to give them a try...maybe you need to let her experience it cos right now she has made up her mind and failure to do that may lead to infidelity and unfaithfulness from her.


Simply put, you guys weren't suited for each other- from difference in religion, stubbornness to listen to each other, income sharing and spending issues, sexual issues, companionship issues, home-keeping issues, to just name it. So what then is to be enjoyed in the marriage- kids I guess? That's absolutely not enough, you need God's urgent intervention and I pray He intervenes by any means to rescue your marriage! I pity you, but I pity your innocent kids more, what a life, sighs.

ok, Yinka Oke Makinde, so this friend here is YOU https://www.nairaland.com/581407/wife-wants-buy-herself-car#7482981

Befo :-Xre I can give an oppinion Sir please Answer this question, and am asking because you both seem so different and disconnected, why did you 2 get married?
What was the attraction?
Did you speak about goals and aspirations?
How was your dating? Seeing that you are opposites. Did you hang out a lot or stay indoors?
Forgive my questions, but a lot of these are pre marital disputes.

This is a typical example where most sarcastic guys will say bad girls marry every Saturday while good girls are still in their parents house.. As if all married men are married to bad women
And that's a total wrong survey.

Anyways op, your wife is not a bad woman but pls try to be her best friend. Create time for her.. She feels unloved and neglected.. And also feels u are wrapped up in your own world. If u become her best friend, you will see how things will change for the better.. Bonding is not all about sex but romance, cuddles and the sincere look of love and care in the eyes when talking to her..
Divorce will not help this situation.. All u guys need is understanding and patience and yes communication!. Like what someone said, u communicate not to win an arguement but to understand each other needs.