jennykadry:

Sme people are not meant to be. My husband wasn't the one I had in mind to marry at the very beginning. Things happen for a reason, OP called itl pride and I can call it "maybe it is not the will of God" .

That's how I see it too . . . but the OP is not seeing it that way 'now' cos she's still hurting!

Sooner or later, she'll realize it. But I'm not going to crucify her or call her naive because she's hurting over losing the man she loves!

@Annie

Run from now till tomorrow. Efe asked you this question and I asked you the same thing. Tell us why this 1 year old marriage is having issues. You know, spit it out.

jennykadry:

UJu you weren't there so stop it. You can bet from now till tomorrow, you were not there

Do you know what caused the problems? Do you know why they are having issues in their marriage? do you even know what caused the marital issues? Why are you judging and blaming a woman who we don't know might have been innocent in all of these?

@Annie has been asked many times what caused the issues in their marriage and she has refused to answer.

I've got no idea , what caused it ..
I asked n he said , tts just not working ( n it's all up to me , of I want us back )

Really weird ... Y get married if u r not in love with that person !

Cos I could have done the same thing ,if I wanted to show him , I've been proposed to too , I boils have just gone ahead nbmartied the person , but I knew I'll be messing up my life !

That has always been some of issues (arguments ), even career wise , he makes rash decisions ..!

jennykadry:

It's just sad reading your post. You chose to assume and judge people at your own free will for why? To drive your points home? Or make people reason with you? How many married women have come on nairaland to seek for help? Didn't I post here a few months ago about;

1. An African here who met and fell in love with a Nigerian guy that got her preggers but married someone else-because she refused to travel down to naija? This girl has sent her daughter back home and just recently, her ex was trying to add her on Facebook. She ignored his request. He called and she warned him to stay away from her, gave him her mothers phone number and ask him to ring his daughter there anytime he wants to speak to her. Tis is a woman that knows what marriage is and is not ready interfere.

2. A divorced Zimbabwean whose ex husbands wife had no idea that this man was an abuser whose marriage went down the drain cos he cheated on his wife with a married woman?

It is oka for you to sit down and judge a fellow woman for what gain?

Ps I'm mobile pardon my error

I'm only highlighting the ex's wife's fault because everybody seemed to ignore that aspect.
Granted that there is a (slim) possibility that she's unaware of the fact that her husband had unresolved feelings for his ex, but there's also the possibility that she was aware of it but decided to turn a blind eye.
People have called the OP all sorts of names . . . baby momma, husband snatcher e.t.c. I just think it's unfair. She shouldnt be made to take the blame alone.
Just because she said 'I do' doesn't entirely absolve her of the blame! They are ALL in this mess together. The OP, the ex and the wife.
Haven't we all, together, condemend women who go into marriges expecting their husbands to 'change' along the line only to turn around and cry foul when things backfire

Annie1:


I've got no idea , what caused it ..
I asked n he said , tts just not working ( n it's all up to me , of I want us back )

Really weird ... Y get married if u r not in love with that person !

It's 'not working' cos he got his eyes on you. Like I said earlier, you need to let him go so he can concentrate on his marriage!

Annie1:
I've got no idea , what caused it ..
I asked n he said , tts just not working ( n it's all up to me , of I want us back )

Really weird ... Y get married if u r not in love with that person !

cos he used the other woman to spite you!
men do this a lot to massage their own egos.....how many people got married to the person they truly wanted? few!! more often than not, people marry what's available to them! majority of husbands/wives are 2nd fiddle....some are even plan C/D/E....

Annie1:
I've got no idea , what caused it ..
I asked n he said , tts just not working ( n it's all up to me , of I want us back )

Really weird ... Y get married if u r not in love with that person !

Who told you he was not in love when he got married? The problem here is you are desperately trying to hold on to what is CLEARLY NOT YOURs . . . Ever read the commandment that says "THOU SHALL NOT COVET"?? Guess what? By you making their marriage your business, and what not, you are kinda COVETING and NOTHING Good comes out of such. And this is how many cases of adultery begins.

The minute that man(imbe_cile) got married to another woman, he seized to be yours. In fact, that should have been confirmation to you that he was NEVER your ONE from the beginning - he only seemed like it. You need to stop wasting your life on what does not belong to you and focus on spending that energy getting and keeping that which is yours.

You need to carefully analyze what life has so much tried to teach you in the last 3-4 years so that you do not end up stuck in a cycle for much of your life. So many people out there grow old and die without ever reaching maturity or having a near fulfilled life. Making mistakes is one thing but not learning the very lesson you were meant to learn and instead making up stupid reasons for why you should not be MORE RESPONSIBLE will only get you right back to take that crash course over again, until you learn the lesson you are meant to learn.

coogar:

cos he used the other woman to spite you!
men do this a lot to massage their own egos.....how many people got married to the person they truly wanted? few.....more often than not, people marry what's available to them! majority of husbands/wives are 2nd fiddle....some are even plan C/D/E....

Not just men, women too! A lot of women marry to spite who they really want. Like you said, people marry what's available, not what is desirable.
When the desirable is not available, the available becomes desirable!
But what makes a family is beyond having feelings or even babies for each other.
I strongly beleive the OP's ex can make it work with his wife. He just needs to really let go of her (OP) first!

Annie1:


I've got no idea , what caused it ..
I asked n he said , tts just not working ( n it's all up to me , of I want us back )

Really weird ... Y get married if u r not in love with that person !

Cos I could have done the same thing ,if I wanted to show him , I've been proposed to too , I boils have just gone ahead nbmartied the person , but I knew I'll be messing up my life !

That has always been some of issues (arguments ), even career wise , he makes rash decisions ..!

Y get married to soeone else? Cos he is a kid. Only immature men do this for their own selfish reasons. MArriage is not something people toy with. You yourself will not be happy if someone married youto spite another woman. You cannot get into that institution with such a mentality, you cannot hurt people that way for your own selfish reasons. How many of us married women in here, will be happyif one day our husbands woke up and told us that they married us to piss some other woman off?

Have we human beings lost our conscience? When has it become okay to mess people's life uplike this. If he had issues with you, allhe had to do was sort it out with YOU. Why involve someone else? Why will he toy with another woman's heart? Why will he get her involved? Why on earth will he do this to someone, has he forgotten so soon tha he might end up with a daughter one day? That woman did not deserve that. His reasons are not justified. Don't make mockery of God

I am a woman and thinking that he might have really married someone to hurt you makes me wanna weap for you and that woman. You both honestly deserve better. I am a woman and it is just not acceptable. Date her yes but marry her to play games? That is heartless

God, may such men not see my daughters and may my sons not become monsters over night

andromida:

You really need to stop being so hard on yourself and feeling like you didn't do enough. The responsibility to work out the relationship was not yours alone. You got pregnant and had the child and what did he do? he went on to get married to someone else despite the fact that you guys had something good going to the point of planning a wedding. You both were immature but all these are in the past. Now the present -you are here with your kid while he is married to someone else and wants you back as?? and the truth is some day you will meet someone you'll like and will like you too, it may take a while but rest assured it will happen. Babe let him go he isn't yours. While sorting out his marital problems he shouldn't be messing up your own life. He didn't look back before he got married and now he is looking back when its too late.

andromida:

You really need to stop being so hard on yourself and feeling like you didn't do enough. The responsibility to work out the relationship was not yours alone. You got pregnant and had the child and what did he do? he went on to get married to someone else despite the fact that you guys had something good going to the point of planning a wedding. You both were immature but all these are in the past. Now the present -you are here with your kid while he is married to someone else and wants you back as?? and the truth is some day you will meet someone you'll like and will like you too, it may take a while but rest assured it will happen. Babe let him go he isn't yours. While sorting out his marital problems he shouldn't be messing up your own life. He didn't look back before he got married and now he is looking back when its too late.

Thank you

Ujujoan:

Not just men, women too! A lot of women marry to spite who they really want. Like you said, people marry what's available, not what is desirable.
When the desirable is not available, the available becomes desirable!
But what makes a family is beyond having feelings or even babies for each other.
I strongly beleive the OP's ex can make it work with his wife. He just needs to really let go of her (OP) first!

you must be very intelligent.....

jennykadry:
Y get married to soeone else? Cos he is a kid. Only immature men do this for their own selfish reasons. MArriage is not something people toy with. You yourself will not be happy if someone married youto spite another woman. You cannot get into that institution with such a mentality, you cannot hurt people that way for your own selfish reasons. How many of us married women in here, will be happyif one day our husbands woke up and told us that they married us to piss some other woman off?

only immature men? what are you talking about?
at every point in time, an average naija man has 4-5 women penned down. if his first choice agrees to marry him, he goes with her. if she disagrees or something came up along the line, then the second choice becomes the favourite and so on and so forth! that he married the 2nd choice does not mean he still doesn't want the first choice......this is what women should understand! the mind of a man is far complex than you realise!

Have we human beings lost our conscience? When has it become okay to mess people's life uplike this. If he had issues with you, allhe had to do was sort it out with YOU. Why involve someone else? Why will he toy with another woman's heart? Why will he get her involved? Why on earth will he do this to someone, has he forgotten so soon tha he might end up with a daughter one day? That woman did not deserve that. His reasons are not justified. Don't make mockery of God

I am a woman and thinking that he might have really married someone to hurt you makes me wanna wrap for you and that woman. You both honestly deserve better. I am a woman and it is just not acceptable. Date her yes but marry her to play games? That is heartless

i laugh in benue....
the same nigerian society where people kill others for money, people rob and räpe others and you are demanding conscience? it's a competitive world out there and people want to eat their cake and have it!

jennykadry:

Y get married to soeone else? Cos he is a kid. Only immature men do this for their own selfish reasons. MArriage is not something people toy with. You yourself will not be happy if someone married youto spite another woman. You cannot get into that institution with such a mentality, you cannot hurt people that way for your own selfish reasons. How many of us married women in here, will be happyif one day our husbands woke up and told us that they married us to piss some other woman off?

Have we human beings lost our conscience? When has it become okay to mess people's life uplike this. If he had issues with you, allhe had to do was sort it out with YOU. Why involve someone else? Why will he toy with another woman's heart? Why will he get her involved? Why on earth will he do this to someone, has he forgotten so soon tha he might end up with a daughter one day? That woman did not deserve that. His reasons are not justified. Don't make mockery of God

I am a woman and thinking that he might have really married someone to hurt you makes me wanna weap for you and that woman. You both honestly deserve better. I am a woman and it is just not acceptable. Date her yes but marry her to play games? That is heartless

God, may such men not see my daughters and may my sons not become monsters over night

It's an unfair world we live in. That's why the responsibilities lies on us to protect ourselves. We need to play our own part and if things go wrong, we will at least know we've done all we could.

So if the OP's ex's wife knew her husband still had feelings for his ex, and still went ahead to marry him, then she should be prepared to live with the consequences.

coogar:

you must be very intelligent.....



only immature men? what are you talking about?
at every point in time, an average naija man has 4-5 women penned down. if his first choice agrees to marry him, he goes with her. if she disagrees or something came up akin the line, then the second choice becomes the favourite and so on and so forth! that he married the 2nd choice does not mean he still doesn't want the first choice......this is what women should understand! the mind of a man is far complex than you realise!



i laugh in benue....
the same nigerian society where people kill others for money, people rob and räpe others and you are demanding conscience? it's a competitive world out there and people want to eat their cake and have it!

What do you mean 'nigerian society'

Like it happens only in Nigeria

jennykadry:

Y get married to soeone else? Cos he is a kid. Only immature men do this for their own selfish reasons. MArriage is not something people toy with. You yourself will not be happy if someone married youto spite another woman. You cannot get into that institution with such a mentality, you cannot hurt people that way for your own selfish reasons. How many of us married women in here, will be happyif one day our husbands woke up and told us that they married us to piss some other woman off?

I personally don't think I know of anyone who gets married to spite another, especially any grown up with a complete brain that would do that. Probably someone who has been lobotomized could -- it just not make sense that a sane individual would marry someone out of spite and this theory that he did is not even based on facts since Annie herself never said it was.

Ujujoan:
What do you mean 'nigerian society'
Like it happens only in Nigeria

we are guilty of this the most - abeg!

Kobojunkie:

Who told you he was not in love when he got married? The problem here is you are desperately trying to hold on to what is CLEARLY NOT YOURs . . . Ever read the commandment that says "THOU SHALL NOT COVET"?? Guess what? By you making their marriage your business, and what not, you are kinda COVETING and NOTHING Good comes out of such. And this is how many cases of adultery begins.

The minute that man(imbe_cile) got married to another woman, he seized to be yours. In fact, that should have been confirmation to you that he was NEVER your ONE from the beginning - he only seemed like it. You need to stop wasting your life on what does not belong to you and focus on spending that energy getting and keeping that which is yours.

You need to carefully analyze what life has so much tried to teach you in the last 3-4 years so that you do not end up stuck in a cycle for much of your life. So many people out there grow old and die without ever reaching maturity or having a near fulfilled life. Making mistakes is one thing but not learning the very lesson you were meant to learn and instead making up stupid reasons for why you should not be MORE RESPONSIBLE will only get you right back to take that crash course over again, until you learn the lesson you are meant to learn.

You couldn't have said it any better. I just asked my husband what he thought about a man marrying a woman he does not love just to spite an ex and after begging for his reply he finally said

Him; " You see, people grow fast, people grow slow, some peole dnt even grow at all"
Me; ehen continue, what do yo mean by that?
Him: a grown azzed man born of a woman, a potential father will not do that.
Me: so?
Him; you still don't get it? Ok let me spell it out clearly, you don't mess with people's heart intentionally, you don't hurt a woman intentionally. Women were not created to be toyed with. Be a man and sort out your problem. Abeg carry this your nairaland issue comotfor my face.
Phewwwww finally

For all u that r still going on about me breaking up his home , u r missing the point !

I didn't start this ! I never bothered him , he comes to mine regularly n ive never tried to seduce or come on to him even when he got married , I didnt go seeking trouble , all I did was scream n punch some pillows n put on my stepford wives face or in this case stepford not his wive face n carried on with my life

When he kissed me , it came out of nowhere n I kissed back , cos I couldn't help it , I wasn't expecting it .. Few seconds after it registered I pushed him away

Yes it's opened up this feelings , that I thought were long gone .. But I want to do the right thing !

Kobojunkie:

I personally don't think I know of anyone who gets married to spite another, especially any grown up with a complete brain that would do that. Probably someone who has been lobotomized could -- it just not make sense that a sane individual would marry someone out of spite and this theory that he did is not even based on facts since Annie herself never said it was.

Exactly. Only an insane person will do that. I know people date but marriage?

Annie1: For all u that r still going on about me breaking up his home , u r missing the point !

I didn't start this ! I never bothered him , he comes to mine regularly n ive never tried to seduce or come on to him even when he got married , I didnt go seeking trouble , all I did was scream n punch some pillows n put on my stepford wives face or in this case stepford not his wive face n carried on with my life

When he kissed me , it came out of nowhere n I kissed back , cos I couldn't help it , I wasn't expecting it .. Few seconds after it registered I pushed him away

Yes it's opened up this feelings , that I thought were long gone .. But I want to do the right thing !

your ex must be james bond......

Annie, 9 pages on and you still don't get it, do you?

What's it going to take for you to understand that you're playing with fire?

Correct me if I'm wrong, but you, your ex and his wife are Nigerians based in Naija, aren't you?

Your assuming your ex's wife is meek and going to take this crap from you and your ex, lying low abi?

I warned you some pages ago to tread carefully here. Your trespassing here and you know it. What's it gonna take for you to back off? Even if you don't value your life, does't the life of your son matter to you? Are you waiting for things to blow out of proportion before you get your act together?

For all you know, this woman could be lying low, waiting patiently for the perfect opportunity to strike. Ever heard the saying: "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned"?

Tell me, what are you going to do if this woman tries to eliminate you & your son? Call Naija police? You think people'll pity you? On what moral ground? You won't be the first, nor the last victims to fall foul of poisioning from a jealous wife.

Kobojunkie:

I personally don't think I know of anyone who gets married to spite another, especially any grown up with a complete brain that would do that. Probably someone who has been lobotomized could -- it just not make sense that a sane individual would marry someone out of spite and this theory that he did is not even based on facts since Annie herself never said it was.

I was actually about to say this. I highly doubt that he married someone else to spite her. If he was so interested in spiting her, why wait 3 yrs after they broke up to do it?

I would think that all this is because he is having problems with his new wife (which may just be the normal initial stage of marriage problems), and that's making him fantasize about the good times he used to have with OP. Especially since she's constantly around him.

Efemena_xy: Annie, 9 pages on and you still don't get it, do you?

What's it going to take for you to understand that you're playing with fire?

Correct me if I'm wrong, but you, your ex and his wife are Nigerians based in Naija, aren't you?

Your assuming your ex's wife is meek and going to take this crap from you and your ex, lying low abi?

I warned you some pages ago to tread carefully here. Your trespassing here and you know it. What's it gonna take for you to back off? Even if you don't value your life, does't the life of your son matter to you? Are you waiting for things to blow out of proportion before you get your act together?

For all you know, this woman could be lying low, waiting patiently for the perfect opportunity to strike. Ever heard the saying: "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned"?

Tell me, what are you going to do if this woman tries to eliminate you & your son? Call Naija police? You think people'll pity you? On what moral ground? You won't be the first, nor the last victims to fall foul of poisioning from a jealous wife.

No , we r not based in Nigeria , I thought that would have been obvious from my post ! Hmmmmm

coogar:

your ex must be james bond......

Lol . . .

I couldn't be bothered to read all the updates but OP, what is your care/issue/business /concern with your married ex marital bliss or problem?

Why are you involved or acting his agony aunt?why is he bringing real or fake sob stories to you and you encouraging it by listening?

How long would this continue?what about "your" own life?

Child visitations should be what it is; him and his child not time for you to listen to BS! If he really has issues, its none of your biz. Don't you have a BF or something to distract you?

O ga ju.

Another food for thought for you Annie: You say they're separated, yes?

So what are you going to do if wifey cries to her family (and your ex's family) that you're the cause of their problems? Assuming she hasn't already done that?

Can you handle both families if they decide to take matters into their hands? I doubt if your ex will take your side.

Efemena_xy: Another food for thought for you Annie: You say they're separated, yes?

So what are you going to do if wifey cries to her family (and your ex's family) that you're the cause of their problems? Assuming she hasn't already done that?

Can you handle both families if they decide to take matters into their hands? I doubt if your ex will take your side.

Efe, she has already told the guy she is not interested and he threw a tantrum and stormed off.

Pls u lot shd leave this lady outta of this. She has done what u wanted her to do and u r still crucifyin her. The naggin is becomin too much. Pls mods close this page. As much some of u claim to be righteous, God doesn't see u all as such.

ileobatojo:

I was actually about to say this. I highly doubt that he married someone else to spite her. If he was so interested in spiting her, why wait 3 yrs after they broke up to do it?

I would think that all this is because he is having problems with his new wife (which may just be the normal initial stage of marriage problems), and that's making him fantasize about the good times he used to have with OP. Especially since she's constantly around him.

No I'm not constantly around him ..Grrrrrrrrrrrr

When he comes to see his child , I either leave the in the living room n go to the room , or I'm out n it's him , my boy n the Nanny .. N even when I'm at home , most times , I've got a mask on , hair net and in my Pjs ( never night gown , If I know he's coming in) , very unflattering , like I said from my previous posts , I thought he hated me , so looking flattering was the furthest thing from my mind .

kitty kat: Pls u lot shd leave this lady outta of this. She has done what u wanted her to do and u r still crucifyin her. The naggin is becomin too much. Pls mods close this page. As much some of u claim to be righteous, God doesn't see u all as such.

annie1 is tough-skinned and i am trusting she knows what to do.
if her ex ever turns up with the divorce papers, she should take him back asap! until he does that, she should detach herself emotionally and let him handle his marital crisis!

Annie1:

Thank you

Welcome. Whenever you start feeling all gooey, remembering the good old days NEVER forget at the end of the day it was his call and he didn't choose you. He chose HER. He is not your problem, he is HER problem. Send him home to his wife to sort their misery.

Annie1:


No I'm not constantly around him ..Grrrrrrrrrrrr

When he comes to see his child , I either leave the in the living room n go to the room , or I'm out n it's him , my boy n the Nanny .. N even when I'm at home , most times , I've got a mask on , hair net and in my Pjs ( never night gown , If I know he's coming in) , very unflattering , like I said from my previous posts , I thought he hated me , so been looking flattery was the furthest thing from my mind .

That's what I meant. He sees you often because becomes to your home to be with his child. I didn't mean you give him sensual back rubs when he comes to see his child you know. As long as he is laying eyes on you frequently, he is around you often.

Edited: Looked back at my post and realized why you growled at me. The wording could be interpreted differently than intended. My apologies. Didn't mean it that way.

Lool Uju

Nwanne m, do you really, on account of what the guy told the OP believe for a second that this guy is having serious issues in his marriage?

Are you saying you don't know the type of lies some men fabricate just to "hit it" ? Wow

Unless the OP does an independent investigation to confirm, the man is just cooking up stories to get into her head, colonise her body and waste her time.