Papido:

Unfortunately, I think I can identify with your husband to an extent. I tend to deal with issues same way though I have never done more than a week. Believe me, in your husband's silence, he is actually communicating. Ignoring him or indulging him are two extremes. you need to find a way between. he is suffering as much as you are and he is just expecting you to hear what he is saying through silence. I do this too for a few reasons:
1. my wife argues with me a lot when we disagree. we raise our voices and this puts me off. so, i shut down. if she won't hear my view, I can as well log off.when we both calm down, I sit her down and we talk. But while am logged off, she displays I don't care attitude and that only tends to prolong the truce because you are telling me by your attitude what you were telling while the voices were raised.
2. we are melancholics. forgiveness is difficult for melancholics. incidentally, we marry sanguines because you complement and complete us. you have what we wished we have.
3. we are not batterers. believe me, a good melancholy would rather be hurt than hurt others. personally, my words are razor sharp, so i let it out carefully or not at all.

I cannot say how much your husband loves you but the core of the matter is the temperament differences. While sanguines are fun to be around, they also tend to put us off with their shallow way of approaching issues. their gift is also their weakness. my wife for instance cannot be bothered by anything so she does things at the spur of the moment. Like asking me to wait for her to go shower exactly when she sees i have picked the car keys. wheareas, I have planned my movement to the minute from the night before. if i ignore her, then am insensitive. If I don't I will be boiling inside. all in all, you need to work out your own formula together. best wishes.

Poster, i hope you learned from this?

aduje: @poster, there is likely something you are repeatedly doing that he does not like. You (the wife) may be the nagging type and your man would rather give you some distance than being found arguing an issue with you. Most men whose wife does not easily respect their opinions are naturally taken to 'let you be' instead of being seen as a regular complainant. Search yourself, pray and love him. Do not try to please him. JUST LOVE HIM.

There're 2 sides to every story/ conflict ......and if your story is indeed true well you gonna have to make a change/ move if you want to mske it work btw the 2 of you, or else you know?

The ripple effect ; model the kind of attitude you want to be reciprocated with, choose the right words over degrading and belittling words to your spouse , don't raise your voice, cos I doubt you are just all peachy mute when all those behaviour started

Or was he like that when you're dating? What changed?

Papido:

Unfortunately, I think I can identify with your husband to an extent. I tend to deal with issues same way though I have never done more than a week. Believe me, in your husband's silence, he is actually communicating. Ignoring him or indulging him are two extremes. you need to find a way between. he is suffering as much as you are and he is just expecting you to hear what he is saying through silence.

I can relate. I am about the same way. I shutdown when I have a disagreement with people that I find difficult to reach and I also ignore them for a while so I can get my senses back, but I don't think it is a mature way of handling conflict, especially in a marriage, and as a man.

Papido:
I do this too for a few reasons:
1. my wife argues with me a lot when we disagree. we raise our voices and this puts me off. so, i shut down. if she won't hear my view, I can as well log off.when we both calm down, I sit her down and we talk. But while am logged off, she displays I don't care attitude and that only tends to prolong the truce because you are telling me by your attitude what you were telling while the voices were raised.

Again, even though I used to do the "shut down"/ignore" thing a lot so that peace will reign(no shout-fests) I have come to learn it is not a good way to resolve issues, especially in a marriage situation.

What you think you are doing is making a decision to let peace(quiet) reign, but what you are actually doing is telling the other person that he/she has no right to try to reach you where you are. I mean how do you expect your wife to know what you are feeling without you opening your mouth to tell her? You expect her to read your mind? Come on!! You are human. If you were in her shoes and you don't have a clue why your husband is keeping his distance from you, would you not go berserk?

Papido:
2. we are melancholics. forgiveness is difficult for melancholics. incidentally, we marry sanguines because you complement and complete us. you have what we wished we have.

That is a huge lie!! Like I said, I used to think as you do until I realized what forgiveness really means, especially in marriage. If you cannot see yourself as the bigger person in the marriage, then pray tell what is your worth as the man in the relationship? You might as well tie wrapper and become the woman in the relationship.

Papido:
3. we are not batterers. believe me, a good melancholy would rather be hurt than hurt others. personally, my words are razor sharp, so i let it out carefully or not at all.

True that we would rather be hurt than hurt others but you do hurt others extremely more when you choose not to communicate your frustrations with them. I know this because I have had the experience of being on the other end and it is frustrating having someone ignore you just because. It is panic inducing . . . remember humans do not have mind-reading abilities, so also wives. She needs to be told what you are feeling and no body else can do that for you. If you do not tell her right when it hurts, don't you think you are torturing her?

Papido:
I cannot say how much your husband loves you but the core of the matter is the temperament differences. While sanguines are fun to be around, they also tend to put us off with their shallow way of approaching issues. their gift is also their weakness. my wife for instance cannot be bothered by anything so she does things at the spur of the moment. Like asking me to wait for her to go shower exactly when she sees i have picked the car keys. wheareas, I have planned my movement to the minute from the night before. if i ignore her, then am insensitive. If I don't I will be boiling inside. all in all, you need to work out your own formula together. best wishes.

Again, I don't buy this reasoning that because you act one means you should always remain that way. In my years, I have come to realize that just because you are different does not mean you are exempt from GROWING UP. No matter what your personality type, you need to grow up . . discover those areas where you are not maximizing your potential in your relationships and try to grow up. Does not mean CHANGE who you are but develop into a more mature person even as you remain who you are.

acidosis™:
Call some hooligans in your area to bundle, tie and move him to Mountain of Fire & Miracle Ministries, Okokomaiko or Ojuelegba branch..

lwkmd jor.....i love this advice!

Kobojunkie:
I can relate. I am about the same way. I shutdown when I have a disagreement with people that I find difficult to reach and I also ignore them for a while so I can get my senses back, but I don't think it is a mature way of handling conflict, especially in a marriage, and as a man.



Again, even though I used to do the "shut down"/ignore thing a lot so that peace will reign(no shout-fests) I have come to learn it is not a good way to resolve issues, especially in a marriage situation.

What you think you are doing is making a decision to let peace(quiet) reign, but what you are actually doing is telling the other person that he/she has no right to try to reach you where you are. I mean how do you expect your wife to know what you are feeling without you opening your mouth to tell her? You expect her to read your mind? Come on!! You are human. If you were in her shoes and you don't have a clue why your husband is keeping his distance from you, would you not go berserk?


That is a huge lie!! Like I said, I used to think as you do until I realized what forgiveness really means, especially in marriage. If you cannot see yourself as the bigger person in the marriage, then pray tell what is your worth as the man in the relationship? You might as well tie wrapper and become the woman in the relationship.


True that we would rather be hurt than hurt others but you do hurt others extremely more when you choose not to communicate your frustrations with them. I know this because I have had the experience of being on the other end and it is frustrating having someone ignore you just because. It is panic inducing . . . remember humans do not have mind-reading abilities, so also wives. She needs to be told what you are feeling and no body else can do that for you. If you do not tell her right when it hurts, don't you think you are torturing her?



Again, I don't buy this reasoning that because you act one means you should always remain that way. In my years, I have come to realize that just because you are different does not mean you are exempt from GROWING UP. No matter what your personality type, you need to grow up . . discover those areas where you are not maximizing your potential in your relationships and try to grow up. Does not mean CHANGE who you are but develop into a more mature person even as you remain who you are.

You raised a very valid point here.I often hear people say this is the way I am and you have to accept me like that.I think that is nonsense.If u have a particular character that is not good for relationships,u ought to make an effort to improve.GROW UP like u said,especially in a marriage.
@poster.Doesn't ur husband have anyone he looks up to?Like his dad,an uncle,a senior colleague or pastor?I think there should be someone who can talk 2 him in situations like this.

There is no excuse for a grown person to keep malice. Malice is childish and shouldn't be condoned. Even temperaments shouldn't be used as an excuse...how do you tell your housemaid to bring your food, when your wife is there or why won't you pick your wife's call or answer her greetings?

As someone mentioned, most marriages aren't based on love because I refuse to believe that any grown and mature person that truly loves would behave like a teenager...Na wa oh...do it this way, sit this way, smile that way for someone you are spending the rest of your life with?

I talk really fast and people that talk fast have hot temperaments because we hate repeating ourselves...infact, the whole family from my paternal side talks fast and amongst them we talk the slowest...
I used to get angry when my boyfriend would make me repeat myself, I would tell him 'look, that's just the way I am...accept it'...but it didn't help and even though he didn't force me...I realised a shared joke was better than laughing alone...so, if he didn't/doesnt hear...I would take a deep breath and say it slowly with great effort and I did it till it became effortless, now I repeat myself with a smile even if I have to do it twice or thrice...it's compromise.

Malice or Hot Slap or Chinese kick or Ninja back hand gboza! - Choose one

Sanusilyde: The first practical solution to every marital problem is COMMUNICATION,that ego in men will make him expect you to talk to him first,as a responsible wife you want to gain/safe your husband and your marriage,so always find a way to talk to him.

and d man doesn't want to gain/safe his marriage!

ocelot2006:

Do that, and watch your hubby float to the open arms of another woman.

so I should waste my time licking a guy as if he has a golden stick, when I can watch my favorite series on tv?

Enoquin: There is no excuse for a grown person to keep malice. Malice is childish and shouldn't be condoned. Even temperaments shouldn't be used as an excuse...how do you tell your housemaid to bring your food, when your wife is there or why won't you pick your wife's call or answer her greetings?

As someone mentioned, most marriages aren't based on love because I refuse to believe that any grown and mature person that truly loves would behave like a teenager...Na wa oh...do it this way, sit this way, smile that way for someone you are spending the rest of your life with?

I talk really fast and people that talk fast have hot temperaments because we hate repeating ourselves...infact, the whole family from my paternal side talks fast and amongst them we talk the slowest...
I used to get angry when my boyfriend would make me repeat myself, I would tell him 'look, that's just the way I am...accept it'...but it didn't help and even though he didn't force me...I realised a shared joke was better than laughing alone...so, if he didn't/doesnt hear...I would take a deep breath and say it slowly with great effort and I did it till it became effortless, now I repeat myself with a smile even if I have to do it twice or thrice...it's compromise.

u've forgotten u're in Nigeria! How can a 'whole' man compromise? don't u know that as d woman, you must do everything to satisfy d man? don't u know that it's only a woman that works to make her marriage work? someone complained her hubby keeps malice and we re saying cook, clean, dress sexy, smile etc as if d woman has no feelings and emotions

prince_onx:
Just consider yourself lucky. You said it yourself! (If he couldn't cope) not because you are too smart or his mood is senseless like you put it. Your husband might be the gently type that come around in a day or two! If you find yourself in the op's position, dealing with a guy that shot off for weeks and months, you probabely won't say the same. People are different and handle things differently! My wife will prefer 24 strokes of Cain and things get back to normal after 30 minutes instead of keeping malice with her for even a day! Like some guys have mentioned here even though am not counting it as an excuse, it might simply be to cool off but months is too much abeg! She kill your mama?

so ur wife is the smart one?

mondi_cheeks: so I should waste my time licking a guy as if he has a golden stick, when I can watch my favorite series on tv?

So u love your T.V than ur husband? You enjoy watching that ur favorite TV series than your family happy?I believe you're nt like this in reality.

laykhorn:
So u love your T.V than ur husband? You enjoy watching that ur favorite TV series than your family happy?I believe you're nt like this in reality.

no I prefer the tv to someone who is bipolar... I love the man I married not a man who acts like a 12year old girl on her first period if he brings back the man I married I will give him the love and respect he deserves

....Dats wat wrks 4 dem, na dea own formula b dat...dats hw he catchies hes wife attntion...

I giggled at some responses here especially that of Mondi Cheeks.
Interesting issue we got here

@ Papido & Greatgod2012,
I guess you probably have this problem itself or your jobs entail typing human behaviours. That is the only way you could have been so close to the answer.
I used to have this problem & I could remember vividly keeping malice with my kid-sister within same house for more than more 1 year.
Many a people underestimate the power personality plays!
Some respondents were saying it is an immaturity feature- hell no!!!, it is just a smirk & weakness in the character which if uncheck can fester to wreck serious havocs, just as other humans are not perfect.

@ OP,
If you are serious, just follow the counsel of 'greatgod2012' & Papido. They nailed the topic perfectly.

@Kobojunkie,
While you understands us well, you appeared to misconstrue us when you said it is a sign that we don't want to grow-up. That's not totally true.
Afterall, learning is an interminable process. It never ends. We keep learning to modify & tame this habit, but since it is a manifestation of the core-traits, even in the most-matured & deeply-insighted Melancholics, the ugliness is bound to rear its head occasionally/rarely.

MOBBDEEP: @Kobojunkie,
While you understands us well, you appeared to misconstrue us when you said it is a sign that we don't want to grow-up. That's not totally true.
Afterall, learning is an interminable process. It never ends. We keep learning to modify & tame this habit, but since it is a manifestation of the core-traits, even in the most-matured & deeply-insighted Melancholics, the ugliness is bound to rear its head occasionally/rarely.

Nowhere in my write up there did I say anything of this being a sign that you don't want to grow up. However, I will say this. Life is there to teach lessons on a daily basis and though you were that way at one time does not mean you are to continue being that way for the rest of your life, especially after making a decision to get married. Anyone who makes a decision to get married without first making sure he/she is prepared to handle marriage itself, is not a person who is grown up.

Again, I used to be this way. I mean I was so bad at it that I would cut people off(cut them out of my life) like it is no big deal. my view back then was there there are billions of people on the planet so I should not have to stress over one person or two when there are so many opportunities, matter of fact billions out there, to make friends and get whatever it is you get from friendships/relationships. I was convinced it was for their own good too(those that I abandoned after one or two squabbles), but I had to step back and review my life a couple of years ago. And only then did I realize that I had become a source of hurt to a lot of people by denying them that opportunity to at least apologize or even try to fix things.

Now imagine a husband doing this on a regular basis to wife he hopes to spend the rest of his life with? Try to put yourself in her shoes to realize how much you are torturing her by doing that. Worse off, the kids in that setting. Imagine the father doing the same thing to his kids . . shut off and ignore them when they do not obey him or agree with him. Imagine the kind of scar that leaves on those kids for life?

Give him kanda any time you see him in that mood of malice, try everything possible to make sure he eats the kanda.Enough kanda ohhhhhhhhhhhhh

ogepure: What can u do when you hae a husband that keeps malice with you in every little misunderstanding you have with him.

He will keep malice with you for weeks or even months. When you greet him early in the morning he snobs you. You greet him in d evening when he comes back, he will not respond.

If he wants to eat, he asks the house help to give him food which you cooked yourself. Or he getsthe food himself. He will not talk to you until he is satisfied. He doesn't pick your calls.

Pls how do u deal with such a situation.

you dont "deal" with it. You just ignore him period. I dont understand why people put up with such petty immaturity.

k2039: Try as much as possible to have less disagreement with him, that will reduce the rate of malice he keeps since malice sounds to me like it's inherent in his blood stream.

You cant stop him from keeping malice except he realises the harm in it, but you certainly can reduce the rate.

So work on rate.

not true. Without saying much, i know someone in my family who is exactly like that. Having less disagreement DOES NOT WORK...

Mynd_44: The major problem here miss is that you don't seem to understand your husband. He is avoiding you not because he does not forgive you or he is punishing you, far from it ma'am, he is avoiding you because he is scared.

Him being scared here is because of the fact that he fears what he might/do if he does not stay away from you. He might have a wicked tongue he is trying to check or be the violent type and everytime he remembers what you have done, he might lash out at you which will eventually make him feel guilty and of course hurt you.

Try to understand this and try talking to him about it after the next round of silence. You will be suprised.

Not true. I have experienced this so so many times to tell you that it is not about "being scared"... to such a person, it is a DELIBERATE way of exercising a sort of power over you. The person does this knowing how much it hurts you on purpose. It is all about punishment, manipulation and spite.

chaircover: Did you say weeks and months? This isnt very healthy!

Do you make love during that period?
Do you go to to church together during that period?
Do you have kids? . . and do you have family outings with them?
Do you have guests during that period?
Do you attend events during that period?
Do you pray & fellowship together as a family?

I am asking all these questions because even if you have disagreements, which is normal in every relationship, doing the above should propel/force you both into having to speak to each other and once you start talking, then you can resolve the issue like adults and not playing childish mind games.

lol its never that simple. You'd be surprised how many couples go to church grinning from ear to ear on the outside but havent spoken to each other in days.

mondi_cheeks: no I prefer the tv to someone who is bipolar... I love the man I married not a man who acts like a 12year old girl on her first period if he brings back the man I married I will give him the love and respect he deserves

if you really love ur husband, then ur ego shouldnt be a barrier. I hope you dnt learn the hard way... The topic you quoted me in romance section (the bathroom, NL guys thingy) - i couldnt reply cos Albino don hit me wit ban from romance

David is right, It is about power. A friend of mine dated a guy who would boast on how long he can keep mailce, how he does it to his parents and sibblings.
When he started with her, first one she apologised, second one she was getting tired, third time she totally ignored him, he start coming around, she will act cool but nothing more, he came once or twice expecting an apology or move towards reconcilation for where she no answer am, then the third time he told her that it seems she is happy with the situation, she asked what he expected, he had carried his tantrums on for so long that she had moved on, he beg tire but she wasn't having it anymore. That is how he lost her and I huess its one to the next girl to harass.
The slightest disaagreement will result in months of malice, they love to "show you" and reduce you to tears and endless begging even if you were right.
There are healthy ways to disagree but keeping malice for weeks is not it. Even kids know better, so much more an adult who will probably go and "pray" and expect answered prayers forgeting God doesn't answer prayers of people who are malicious and unforgiving.
Husbands are called to Love and 1st corinthians further defines love for them, it bares no malice, doesn't keep records of wrong doing, iss not proud, arrogant or rude, It is not boastful.
Yet these same group are the best aat Bible quoting screaming submission submission, how does a grown woman submit to a baby? If you want to be treated like an adult then act like one.
My Husband has very strong veiws and we disagree, the one that turns to fight we will send texts and BBM so we don't alarm the kids, yet I won't deny him food and he won't refuse to do the things he normally does, when we fight finish we will kiss and make up without descending so low to plot on how to hurt and revenge.
MARRIAGE IS FOR FULLY DEVELOPED ADULTS DEAL WITH YOUR ISSUES BEFORE MAKING ANOTHER PERSONS LIFE HELL.
Your wife is not your mother, she shouldn't have to deal with endless whinning and complaining, it was your mothers responsibilty to train you on that, also women, your husband is not your father, he shouldn't be the one responsible for your every mmood, both of you are fuuly developed adults, act like grown ups and actually enjoy your life.

David is right, Nigeria is full of pretenders, abuse each other to the parking lot and smile and hold hands for the public, retunrn to the car and return to status quo, malicious and hateful. What a shame

Emotional blackmail...it can be very depressing,especially when you can't just stay away from the person.

.

laykhorn:
if you really love ur husband, then ur ego shouldnt be a barrier. I hope you dnt learn the hard way... The topic you quoted me in romance section (the bathroom, NL guys thingy) - i couldnt reply cos Albino don hit me wit ban from romance

i hope this warning go both ways!

I am a man and I'll tell you that a Man who keeps malice intentionally is either the vengful type,
had been over-pampared during his childhood, seeks attention or naturally has an unforgivIng spirit
.A real man's attribute should be how easily he can overlook imperfections of other Mortals since even he himself is imperfect. The ability to forgive and move on fast is a valid attribute of a leader; especially a front runner in the family. Except in a case when the woman has been warned of a particular irretable behaviour and she continues with it. That can only warrant temporary withdrawal to enable such person come to a factual realisation of wrong done.

[quote author=laykhorn]
if you really love ur husband, then ur ego shouldnt be a barrier. I hope you dnt learn the hard way... [/quote if she decides to ask the gardener/ driver to zip up her dress at the back instead of asking him, he should keep sucking up to her isn't?

bukatyne: u've forgotten u're in Nigeria! How can a 'whole' man compromise? don't u know that as d woman, you must do everything to satisfy d man? don't u know that it's only a woman that works to make her marriage work? someone complained her hubby keeps malice and we re saying cook, clean, dress sexy, smile etc as if d woman has no feelings and emotions

hahahahahahahaha...........my sister, u're on point!

Lanruze: I am a man and I'll tell you that a Man who keeps malice intentionally is either the vengful type,
had been over-pampared during his childhood, seeks attention or naturally has an unforgivIng spirit
.A real man's attribute should be how easily he can overlook imperfections of other Mortals since even he himself is imperfect. The ability to forgive and move on fast is a valid attribute of a leader; especially a front runner in the family. Except in a case when the woman has been warned of a particular irretable behaviour and she continues with it. That can only warrant temporary withdrawal to enable such person come to a factual realisation of wrong done.

On point.

[quote author=mondi_cheeks][/quote]
Thats your own lecture right?

bukatyne: i hope this warning go both ways!

I'm confused here. Tell me what you mean by both ways here