Mynd_44: The major problem here miss is that you don't seem to understand your husband. He is avoiding you not because he does not forgive you or he is punishing you, far from it ma'am, he is avoiding you because he is scared.

Him being scared here is because of the fact that he fears what he might/do if he does not stay away from you. He might have a wicked tongue he is trying to check or be the violent type and everytime he remembers what you have done, he might lash out at you which will eventually make him feel guilty and of course hurt you.

Try to understand this and try talking to him about it after the next round of silence. You will be suprised.

That sounds like a possible reason for his behavior but we can't really tell because only he knows why he does what he does. I think the wife should ask him why he feels that's the best way to handle the heat of an argument

DAngelo: I simply stated that if people are willing to excuse women for being childish, nags or insensitive (I just picked this one up from your post), then men should be excused if they sometimes act like babies or have ego-trips. But that's not my case here.

I am not excusing your wife's behaviour. You are the one i heard and replied to when you want a change you go for it if you want to wait for the other party to change before you change then you've settled for a hard situation and i can see you just want to be happily married. Tit for tat will not work it just escalates the situation. The question is how long are you willing to play the "she did this, i will show her game"?

I notice that love looks like pain and punishment and showing eachother to too many people. If there is an easier route to happiness why won't you take it? Your becoming a better person is not even for her its for you! you become happier, you drop unncessary ego trips, hidden anger you grow up! so whats wrong with changing for you?

Just to be clear i am not excusing anything bad attitude is bad attitude. Your wife has bad attitude you "show" her with your own bad attitude, how does that help you or your marriage? So its up to you at the end of the day you lead by becoming better she follows suit. Nothing wrong if you teach her by actions what you expect from her instead of sulking, blaming,hurting quietly and planning how to return the hurt.

andromida:

I am not excusing your wife's behaviour. You are the one i heard and replied to when you want a change you go for it if you want to wait for the other party to change before you change then you've settled for a hard situation and i can see you just want to be happily married. Tit for tat will not work it just escalates the situation. The question is how long are you willing to play the "she did this, i will show her game"?

I notice that love looks like pain and punishment and showing eachother to too many people. If there is an easier route to happiness why won't you take it? Your becoming a better person is not even for her its for you! you become happier, you drop unncessary ego trips, hidden anger you grow up! so whats wrong with changing for you?

Just to be clear i am not excusing anything bad attitude is bad attitude. Your wife has bad attitude you "show" her with your own bad attitude, how does that help you or your marriage? So its up to you at the end of the day you lead by becoming better she follows suit. Nothing wrong if you teach her by actions what you expect from her instead of sulking, blaming,hurting quietly and planning how to return the hurt.

you forget that the man is only a mortal and not a god.He bears the weight of his own flaws as a man and also have to carry the madness of a raging woman too.why cant a woman grow up and be a model to her daughters.why cant she quit being a child.the man is not jesus christ.

troy20:
you forget that the man is only a mortal and not a god.He bears the weight of his own flaws as a man and also have to carry the madness of a raging woman too.why cant a woman grow up and be a model to her daughters.why cant she quit being a child.the man is not jesus christ.

Madness of a raging woman? The point i am making is who grows up first? They can do why can't she do this, why can't he do that, go round in circles and tie themselves up in knots, They can do the blame game and conclude that marriage is endurance and very hard or he can grow up rather than wait for her to grow up. Being flawed is no excuse to maintain bad attitude, he does not need to carry the flaws for life he can outgrow the flaws so whats wrong with that? He need not be responsible for her flaws but he can be responsible for his own. He can be the change agent in the marriage what he needs to put aside is his Ego for his own sake not even her.

andromida:

Madness of a raging woman? The point i am making is who grows up first? They can do why can't she do this, why can't he do that, go round in circles and tie themselves up in knots, They can do the blame game and conclude that marriage is endurance and very hard or he can grow up rather than wait for her to grow up. Being flawed is no excuse to maintain bad attitude, he does not need to carry the flaws for life he can outgrow the flaws so whats wrong with that? He need not be responsible for her flaws but he can be responsible for his own. He can be the change agent in the marriage what he needs to put aside is his Ego for his own sake not even her.

I hear you sister, I hear you, but e no easy, make I no lie you. And thanks to troy20 who's playing homo sapien's advocate, I see you bro! It's not easy (I've said that before ). It's not my ego that's bruised making me say this repeatedly, it's the notion that we've been here so many times before. I've tried the talking, the big fights, the screaming, the bigger man, the silent treatment and back again. Maybe I'm not very patient and I'm looking for a quick fix, but it's 10 years now, how much longer do I have to wait? Truth be told, it's better to be hurt while doing the right thing, than wrong, so for my sake I'd better give it another shot. Thanks!

DAngelo:

I hear you sister, I hear you, but e no easy, make I no lie you. And thanks to troy20 who's playing homo sapien's advocate, I see you bro! It's not easy (I've said that before ). It's not my ego that's bruised making me say this repeatedly, it's the notion that we've been here so many times before. I've tried the talking, the big fights, the screaming, the bigger man, the silent treatment and back again. Maybe I'm not very patient and I'm looking for a quick fix, but it's 10 years now, how much longer do I have to wait? Truth be told, it's better to be hurt while doing the right thing, than wrong, so for my sake I'd better give it another shot. Thanks!

Its not your bruised ego that is the problem, its your ego bruised or not it keeps showing up for women and men but i feel men have it harder taming it in subjection to themselves because of the design, we are designed differently. Understand me Ego is not a man thing it troubles all sexes but you can put it under and yeah for your sake

Not easy at all but the gain is worth the pain and if well done the pain can be very short. Wish you alll the emotional healing and strength it will take to make your marriage whole.

men like that are like babies throwing 'TANTRUMS'...and the solution is simple! Love him, pray for him, care for him but don't give him one thing ATTENTION when he's in MALICE-MUTE-MODE.

The malice will wear off when he realizes how DUMB he appears!

ogepure:
What can u do when you hae a husband that keeps malice with you in every little misunderstanding you have with him.

He will keep malice with you for weeks or even months. When you greet him early in the morning he snobs you. You greet him in d evening when he comes back, he will not respond.

If he wants to eat, he asks the house help to give him food which you cooked yourself. Or he getsthe food himself. He will not talk to you until he is satisfied. He doesn't pick your calls.

Pls how do u deal with such a situation.

this life would have been better if and only if pple can consult God in prayers b4 doing anything.pray about it and check urself also,u might b d cause.

7

laoak2:
woman, most of the time, they will not mention what they have done wrong? a man will avoid a woman who nags, abuse and insult, rather than engage in cross talk or cross fight, he simply avoid you. He will continue to do that, until you have proven to him that you have changed. If you change your way, he will naturally come back to you. For a man to get to that point, you must have done some very painful and foundamental error which he may still be finding hard to deal with.

Mynd44:
The major problem here miss is that you don't seem to understand your husband. He is avoiding you not because he does not forgive you or he is punishing you, far from it ma'am, he is avoiding you because he is scared.

Him being scared here is because of the fact that he fears what he might/do if he does not stay away from you. He might have a wicked tongue he is trying to check or be the violent type and everytime he remembers what you have done, he might lash out at you which will eventually make him feel guilty and of course hurt you.

Try to understand this and try talking to him about it after the next round of silence. You will be suprised.

LOL...Really? Fear? Anger at lashing out??

LMAO!

It's common knowledge that people who like to keep malice do so not out of anger or fear of their utterances,

It's mainly a form of control, emotional torture.....the malice keeper feels that starving his/her partner off attention would get them to see the error of their ways, but forgetting that malice has a way of creeping up on you and building resentment in your partner towards you over time.

Malice keepers think that they're doing their partners....meanwhile they're only doing themselves.

I once broke up with a guy that wanted to marry me because he was a major player in keeping malice, I had to walk on eggshells around him, I was always afraid to upset him lest he decides not to speak to me for 3 months (which he did once).

It wasn't until my sister advised me....she said "Is this the man you want to marry, someone that will not talk to you for 2 months over a simple matter like a difference in opinions"? She went further "What happens when you get married and there are other differences in opinions....will you keep mum because you're afraid he will ignore you for 3 months again"? After that.....I found a way to break-up with him, it wouldn't work...furthermore it showed a very immature side to him that I couldn't tolerate after a while, rather than deal with the problem he preferred to go cold and he would stay silent for weeks.

Naaah....This was not why Jesus died for my sins pls.

The mature way round any marital problems as such is communication, a man who enjoys keeping malice with his wife over petty things is still a child....a man child who needs growing up.

Real men don't keep malice.....whether angry or hurt.

Real men communicate.

Some men ar babies indeed,despite d fact that they get pissed of with every little tin,abuse u verbally or physically, ar d ones that wrong u,u still apologise,try to talk and make peace,even cry in their presence out of being hurt and yet they kip malice wit u fr weeks,sometimes u just have 2 ignore them and damn d consequence haba!you come 2 kill yaself 4 marriage?

greatgod2012:
Anytime u have a disagreement, do you sincerely aplogise, if no, try that.
Your hubby's temparement is most likely to be melancholy, that is one of their weaknesses, after this disagreement is over, try to educate him on d dangers involved in keeping malice.
You as d woman of d house, try as much as you can to ignore some things in order to reduce d rate of disagreements in d house.
When it is time for him to eat, dont wait for him to call d househelp or for him to go to d kitchen himself, serve him as expected, that will make his heart melt on time.
Be more submissive and humble.
Never sleep separately when there is disagreement, it helps to resolve disagreement on time, by d time "body touch body", expect another language.
Never involve your kids or 3rd party when there is disagreement, he may not really mean any harm, but by d time u involve another party, you are demeaning him, which may lead to his keeping malice, when he doesnt know what to do to make u feel bad, hence, keeping malice.
When hes keeping malice, never involve in keeping malice with him, always perform your duties as expected, with time, he will appreciate and understand you
better.
Above all, involve God in your marriage, a three-fold cord is not easily broken,ie....you, your hubby and God.........invite him, he is d restorer of peace.
May God help us all....... Amen.

As I read that 'body touch body' so,i just weak Abeg sister,you get younger sis so ?Just asking you know

Foolish man

My friend said she used to be happy when her husband starts keeping malice. It means no work for her. She doesn't have to cook for him because he won't eat anyway. So she just makes sure there is bread.

Now he has calmed down. Everyone has issues. Adding one sulking overgrown baby is not what a wife should be dealing with.

ifyalways:
How do you go on without kpekus for months eh?no be say anybody travel?

Is your husband an only son or last child?he's acting like a spoilt big baby.

Try to contain whatever causes the fight.
Do your wifely and motherly duties including reaching out to him in bed.
When he comes around, don't pretend that all is well, talk with him. He needs to know that you don't like his locking you out of his life, zero communication skills in the face of an argument.

Train him patiently. Some men are babies.

i ma akwukwo

I know someone who has a very bad temper and a poisonous tongue too. So most time its better to walk away and avoid that person especially ladies that will never forget whatever the man said when he was angry but will be quick to forget what they did that occasioned same.

So his weapon is the ignore button and when he is doing this, he gives you double of whatever you ask for , except his attention.

Its called mental torture. He wont beat his wife or use foul language on her, but will place her in the limited connectivity zone, till the anger passes. It may take days or weeks. You know quarrels end but words once spoken never dies. So his was being careful.

Best bet, avoid crossing him and when you do, don't just apologize, do it sincerely.

You will enjoy him cos he will treat you exactly the way you treat him. If you are nice and good to him, he will be the nicest man you have ever met. If you are otherwise, you better change. Cos you will never win this game. He grew up in it and he is used to it.

Just his own way of dealing with his anger issues before he hits the headline of national dailies for murder or says words he will forever regret.

He has enough dealing with his anger problem. Also, be careful with words around him. Words hurt him more than you know. Perhaps he grew up in an abusive home where he was probably used to being abused and his get away was the ignore button, since he could not retaliate.

Make marriage sweet for him and you will be the most happiest woman on earth and stop acting like his mother.

Mynd44:
The major problem here miss is that you don't seem to understand your husband. He is avoiding you not because he does not forgive you or he is punishing you, far from it ma'am, he is avoiding you because he is scared.

Him being scared here is because of the fact that he fears what he might/do if he does not stay away from you. He might have a wicked tongue he is trying to check or be the violent type and everytime he remembers what you have done, he might lash out at you which will eventually make him feel guilty and of course hurt you.

Try to understand this and try talking to him about it after the next round of silence. You will be suprised.

..u just nailed it

sylve11:
Miss, if this happens to be some guys I use to know, make u know sey ur own don set; except u take him to church for deliverance (may be T.B Joshua). I have some friends that will keep u malice for over three weeks for almost nothing. . .meaning with little or no fault but with little misunderstanding, they will keep u malice. Sometimes, they may resolve to not taking ur calls. I pray this is not the kinda man, most especially when he considers all his doings 'right'. . .then almost certain shall ye remain a complainant all the rest of thy life.

This is just my husband's way, if he offends me and I try to tell him I don't like what he did, instead of him asking me "OK, how should I have said it ?" ,he would say, it's you that advised me to be a talking type in the house and not a quiet husband, I won't talk again then and I'll be leaving the house very early and come back late at night.
I would be like, is that the solution to what I accused you of? And that will be the end of him talking for that day and days more until I beg him and force him to talk. At the end, I will be the one begging him, whereas he was supposed to apologize to me for the insultive words he said to me.
I wish I can always keep quiet when he says those insultive words, but I can't always help it that I cry when he says it. It's after so many hurtful words from him that I voice out and he starts to keep malice.
I'm pregnant for our 2nd child, he only sees the things I don't do in the house and talk about it instead of him helping me, sees the dirty toilet when I'm not able to wash it because of backache or stomach pain or feeling dizzy after washing. The things I do, he doesn't talk about it to say, this is a job well done.
Abi in my first pregnancy that he was so helpful and his words not hurtful, he would wash the toilet for me, we would cook together, he would shave me, wear my footwear for me as I couldn't bend over. The other way is the case this time. My toddler saps my strength.
I don't know how to cope with him. God will help me.

Liztee:

This is just my husband's way, if he offends me and I try to tell him I don't like what he did, instead of him asking me "OK, how should I have said it ?" ,he would say, it's you that advised me to be a talking type in the house and not a quiet husband, I won't talk again then and I'll be leaving the house very early and come back late at night.
I would be like, is that the solution to what I accused you of? And that will be the end of him talking for that day and days more until I beg him and force him to talk. At the end, I will be the one begging him, whereas he was supposed to apologize to me for the insultive words he said to me.
I wish I can always keep quiet when he says those insultive words, but I can't always help it that I cry when he says it. It's after so many hurtful words from him that I voice out and he starts to keep malice.
I'm pregnant for our 2nd child, he only sees the things I don't do in the house and talk about it instead of him helping me, sees the dirty toilet when I'm not able to wash it because of backache or stomach pain or feeling dizzy after washing. The things I do, he doesn't talk about it to say, this is a job well done.
Abi in my first pregnancy that he was so helpful and his words not hurtful, he would wash the toilet for me, we would cook together, he would shave me, wear my footwear for me as I couldn't bend over. The other way is the case this time. My toddler saps my strength.
I don't know how to cope with him. God will help me.

I understand what you are going through. It's not always easy. In life we don't always get what we want; hopes and dreams get washed away so easily, hearts are broken, chances are missed, and we always seem to end up right back where we started. I wish you all the best and i hope he turns from his ways that aren't pleasing to you.

[quote]

I am not excusing your wife's behaviour. You are the one i heard and replied to when you want a change you go for it if you want to wait for the other party to change before you change then you've settled for a hard situation and i can see you just want to be happily married. Tit for tat will not work it just escalates the situation. The question is how long are you willing to play the "she did this, i will show her game"?

I notice that love looks like pain and punishment and showing eachother to too many people. If there is an easier route to happiness why won't you take it? Your becoming a better person is not even for her its for you! you become happier, you drop unncessary ego trips, hidden anger you grow up! so whats wrong with changing for you?

Just to be clear i am not excusing anything bad attitude is bad attitude. Your wife has bad attitude you "show" her with your own bad attitude, how does that help you or your marriage? So its up to you at the end of the day you lead by becoming better she follows suit. Nothing wrong if you teach her by actions what you expect from her instead of sulking, blaming,hurting quietly and planning how to return the hurt.

The problem with this your advise to him is he becomes the weaker person in the marriage, and his Dignity as man will constantly be stepped upon, because he is expected to always make the ultimate sacrifice to be happy in his marriage.
While his wife is free to live her life and express herself however she wants knowing that her ever submissive husband will always be the man and come to beg her for peace to rain.
Trust me I'm in this type of situation now, and I'm not ready to be the man by being the one who makes the ultimate sacrifice for peace in marriage, if my wife wants peace as much as I want it then both of us should make the needed sacrifice for it shikena.
If being man in marriage means always suppressing my natural Dignity to please her while she is free to bring in all her drama even when they hurt me deeply, then I rather be the baby.

That's what you get when you marry a man from a broken home. Its embedded in them, even though unbeknownst to them.


Its part of the things you as a lady should investigate properly before consenting to the marriage from the initial time when you guys were in courting.


As for the issue at the moment, I think you should engage him to a heart to heart talk, make him see how keeping malice has rubbed your family so much in terms of growth and stalled your family prosperity cos the aforementioned doesn't thrive on contaminated environment.

How to deal with woman who keeps malice either she is right or wrong.

Mynd44:
The major problem here miss is that you don't seem to understand your husband. He is avoiding you not because he does not forgive you or he is punishing you, far from it ma'am, he is avoiding you because he is scared.

Him being scared here is because of the fact that he fears what he might/do if he does not stay away from you. He might have a wicked tongue he is trying to check or be the violent type and everytime he remembers what you have done, he might lash out at you which will eventually make him feel guilty and of course hurt you.

Try to understand this and try talking to him about it after the next round of silence. You will be suprised.

Do you have to refer to a married woman as Miss just to pass your point?

AFONAMARO:


Do you have to refer to a married woman as Miss just to pass your point?

*ma'am was a typo from 2012

ogepure:
What can u do when you hae a husband that keeps malice with you in every little misunderstanding you have with him.

He will keep malice with you for weeks or even months. When you greet him early in the morning he snobs you. You greet him in d evening when he comes back, he will not respond.

If he wants to eat, he asks the house help to give him food which you cooked yourself. Or he getsthe food himself. He will not talk to you until he is satisfied. He doesn't pick your calls.

Pls how do u deal with such a situation.

Always make it a point of duty to avoid anything whatsoever to avoid him getting annoyed with you

Even if the topic or decision is not favourable to you

I can see he is the sole provifor your home so leave that for him

Some men can allow pride to rule thier lives

ogepure:
What can u do when you hae a husband that keeps malice with you in every little misunderstanding you have with him.

He will keep malice with you for weeks or even months. When you greet him early in the morning he snobs you. You greet him in d evening when he comes back, he will not respond.

If he wants to eat, he asks the house help to give him food which you cooked yourself. Or he getsthe food himself. He will not talk to you until he is satisfied. He doesn't pick your calls.

Pls how do u deal with such a situation.

Such people don't feel offended often because their attitude is exhausting, even to them. So you pay attention to the few things he doesn't like and you stop offending him.