Question:

If a girl and a boy are affected to each other in young age what are they supposed to do? And also what if they want to married but are scared to talk to their parents what’s the best thing to do?


Answer:

Assalamu Alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh

Thank you for your question. This is an online question and since I don't know you or her or your families personally, I will speak generally.

If you're a Muslim guy and you're emotionally involved with a girl that you are talking to, texting, skyping, hanging out, or worse with, then listen up. You need to know that this is all wrong.

The most important treasure a Muslim has is his or her honour. Allah honoured us since our birth. ولقد كرمنا بني آدم "We honoured the children of Adam" He says in the Qur'an.

Marriage is the relationship that honours both husband and wife. Any romantic involvement outside of that violates than honour. Would you be ok if your sister was just texting some boy who she likes? The girl you are 'involved' with is someone’s sister, someone's daughter. They have dreams of marrying her off in a dignified way one day. If you are too scared to be a man and take the honourable road of approaching her family (many are so scared they can't even approach their own family), then realize that you aren't emotionally ready for a real, loving, relationship. All you really have are very strong urges that are selfish at best.

A real marriage brings two families together. A real marriage is about taking responsibility. Your feelings may be very strong. I don't doubt it. Islam didn't make it Haram for you to fall in love. It didn't forbid you from wanting someone. It only guides that love so it protects you, her, your families and especially saves you from humiliation on judgment day. If you love her so much, why are you ok with letting her engage in this questionable relationship knowing full well that she will have to answer Allah just like you will. You don't love her enough to save her from that? If any of you out there are 'in love', please note that teenage years are a crazy time. You totally believe you can't live without someone and you get over them and move on to the next thing in no time as though nothing happened. Don't let your strong emotions lead you into a mistake that will ruin two lives and two families.

The right thing to do, I think (and it’s just my opinion), is to cut off communications entirely until you are ready to talk to your family and hers. Otherwise you are playing with someone’s emotions and creating a stressful situation that will hurt you and her in ways that can scar you for the rest of your lives.

And Allah knows best.

Answered by Ustadh Nouman Ali Khan
Hadith of the Day Imam
Founder and CEO, Bayyinah

Noted.

the best thing to do is to not let go ooo. Marry them immediately.

The perfect time for marriage is the time you meet that person you have affection for. Why delay hun??

If they wont allow you marry, you may have to show them what Allah says, what the ptophet says, e.tc

well, my opinion.

^Marriage means taking the responsibility of raising a home... Some people are simply not ready or mature enough for that. Not psychologically, emotionally or financially.

It is about responsibilities.

If the man is ready to get it done then he should talk his family and her family. It saves everyone trouble.

The girl's family would always want to protect the interest of their daughter so you can understand if they do not want to marry their daughter to a man who has no job, for instance. (of course there is the other side where the family is unreasonable)

The truth is premarital love relationships often lead to worse acts of shamelessness, even for practicing muslims. Haram upon haram. If you are not ready for marriage, the best thing is to cut it off until you are.

I started a thread on shamelessness.

https://www.nairaland.com/1264719/shamelessness

I got the original post actually. In some other cases though, some people want to build castles before being 'ready'.

Sometimes, being in love can do d magic, make d parents see reasons, etc

If he is not rich enough, how about d parents helping out just to protect everyone.

Funny enough, the shame of the children is regarded as that of the whole family but keeping it from happening is then left yo the children alone.

I saw a very young couple some weeks ago and I just LOved them. Groom is 22yrs old. I knew their parents, esp. d boys father has a big role in it. I wish there are more parents encouraging this.

Not all parents have the resources to 'help out' particularly in Nigeria, unless of course they hold off on having babies.

I would love for kids to get married early but getting married is not just about keeping your hormones in check. It is much more than that.

A sister asked Sheikh Mirza Yawar Baigg a question regarding marriage; This was his response.

Question:

I want to get married to this man in my university who says that the best thing for him is to get married to get out of the temptations that surround him. He is still a student on scholarship and has no income or career. What is your advice?

Answer:

جزاك اللهُ خيراً for your question. My advice is that you learn to eat grass. If you marry someone without an income, that is what you will need to be able to do at some point. Sorry to be rude – but as George Bernard Shaw said, ‘You must never be afraid to offend people because that is the only time that they listen.’ So I hope you are offended and can wake up from the hormone induced dream that you are in before it turns into a nightmare.

For a man to be suitable to marry, you must look for three things:

1. How is his Deen?
-Is he on the Shari’ah and Sunnah?
-Is he particular to avoid the doubtful things? (Does he eat doubtful chickens and drink Coke/Pepsi?)
-How are his manners? Not to you – but to all around him.
-Is he argumentative and combative about everything? Is he an auto-refuter?
-Is he kind and considerate to those weaker than him? Does he thank the waiter and the doorman?
-Is there a smile on his face or a frown? Does he have a sense of humor?
-Is he smart? Does he read more than comics? Can you have a serious, sensible conversation with him?
-Is his brain bigger than his biceps? (If he proposed to you without an income, I seriously doubt that it is)
-Is his language that of inclusion or exclusion – looking down on others who he considers as not so good Muslims as himself?
-Does he praise more or criticize more? Is he forgiving of others or eager to expose their faults?
-How particular is he about avoiding Haraam (Sorry to point out, but if he was having conversations with you without a Mahram, he and you were already indulging in Haraam)?

2. Can he support himself?
-How? Not dreams and smooth talk – but actual nuts and bolts. Here and now?
-Has he completed his education? How much longer will that take?
-Will his family support this marriage of yours until he can get a job (lousy situation to be in but better than eating grass)?
-What is his profession and how soon can he get a job?
-What kind of income does he have today and what can he look forward to?
-Is that enough to support you and your family?
-Believe me, today you may think that you can live on love and sunshine but I doubt that you can pay your rent with sunshine. Neither will sunshine buy you bread – that’s why I said that you may like to start eating grass because that is free and maybe you can even hire your services out as a walking lawn mower and make some money as well.

3. How compatible are you with each other and each other’s families?
-That means that you wake up and ask some basic questions like what do they eat?
-Where do they come from? Country and culture. Not race. I have seen marriages between Africans and African Americans break up in six months because Africans and African Americans are two different cultures, even though racially they are the same. Race doesn’t matter. Culture does. Difference is not bad. Incompatibility is. And many a time, difference translates as incompatibility.
-What is the relationship and expectation from the parents in law?
-How do they live? Are they from a multi-marriage culture where your husband-to-be who can’t resist temptations today will once again not be able to resist temptations and will take unto himself another wife; and perhaps another. So how will you take to that?
-What kind of financial background do your husband’s family come from? Is there too much of a disparity?
My mother used to say, ‘To patch a tear in a muslin garment you don’t use gold brocade.’

Finally of all the dumb reasons to marry is to ‘stay out of temptation’. I know I have just put myself in line for the Fatawa of all my ‘strong’ brothers who will strike me down with this and that Hadith. But before I go down, let me say to you, my dear sister, in plain words; What he is saying in effect is that he needs a legal means for sex.

So what happens when the hormones are not boiling any longer? He’s not marrying you for yourself. He is marrying you for himself. That is the worst reason to get married to anyone for. Believe me and wake up. Or keep sleeping and find out for yourself when the dream turns into a nightmare. After all nightmares are also dreams.

I will tell you what happens in 9 cases out of 10. When things get too tough and you demand time, attention and money, he will walk away and you will be left holding the baby – quite literally. Then what are you going to do?

So wake up and answer this questionnaire and if he comes out on top, by all means marry him. If not suggest to him to take cold showers – maybe he should put his bed in the shower – and you focus on your education. You came to the university to study. Not to look at boys. He came to study. Not to look at girls. Concentrate on your education. Get distinction. And go home. And then see what Allah has in store for you in terms of your Rizq – a husband you can look up to and be proud of. A husband who will be proud of you and treat you like a princess – not only during your honeymoon but for all your life.

I wish you all the best in this world and the next.

I agree with all of the above that I am almost forgetting what my point was.

But if all of these are in place and the parents help with the finances( in d case of the 22 yr old, that would seem sensible unlike in a 30yr old).

If they'd help with a few things like housing or school fees in a 25 yr old, that wouldn't be bad either.

Just helping to make their lives easier is my point. But If the parents wouldn't be able to help with these, I'd encourage contraception while they both work hard to make ends meet.

Or just wait until you can take care of a home. That love will disappear when realities kick in.

tbaba1234: Or just wait until you can take care of a home. That love will disappear when realities kick in.

There is a certain increased decisiveness about your posts these days. Have you noticed?

^Hopefully that's not a bad thing.

tbaba1234: ^Hopefully that's not a bad thing.

You noticed too? It is not, just reminds me of myself a little bit.

I didn't notice anything. But I will not dismiss what another person thinks he notices, we can only get better if we listen and reflect on ourselves.

tbaba1234: Or just wait until you can take care of a home. That love will disappear when realities kick in.

You make it seen like all I wrote isn't realistic. But I have seen people who do these and do it well. In fact, I think encouraging them is a good thing.

It may not work in all cases doesn't mean it won't.

tbaba1234: I didn't notice anything. But I will not dismiss what another person thinks he notices, we can only get better if we listen and reflect on ourselves.

#Hehehe

deols:

You make it seen like all I wrote isn't realistic. But I have seen people who do these and do it well. In fact, I think encouraging them is a good thing.

It may not work in all cases doesn't mean it won't.

Trust me, I agree with you. It is something I hope to do, if the conditions are right.

A parent must be able to tell if the child is ready, mentally and not just looking for a legal avenue to let off steam.

The way kids are raised these days, many are not ready at 25. Particularly boys. As soon as a kid becomes a teenager, it is my opinion that the parents start treating him like an adult. More responsibilities, let him get a small job and make him pay a bill. Make that his duty in the home. Seek and listen to his opinions on issues affecting the home. Let him understand when tough decisions have to be made.

We had teenagers who led men into battle at the time of the messenger (peace and blessings be upon him).

We need to make them ready.