I am a mom to a three year old boy from a previous relationship that ended because it was abusive.

My boyfriend of about six months is pressuring me to give my boy to his fathers 'people' (at least for a while)so I can move on with my life.

Since I was a girl I have wanted to be an academic and I was right on track(excellent grades&everything) until I fell pregnant.

Now boyfie wants to pay for my Uk/US/canada Masters degree with the hope that I will get a PHD research position immediately after.

I would love with all my heart to be able to travel for graduate studies but I clearly can't do this with a little boy in tow, that why my man insists I have to take him to his fathers people.

The problem is my boy stayed with them(at his fathers insistence) for few weeks last year&came back malnourised, sickly&very frightened. It broke my heart several times over and I swore I won't do it again.

My own mother is sick and constantly needs care herself.

My boyfie insists that I am overly worried that my son will be fine, he tells me repeatedly that if I give up on my dreams I will eventually regret it. This issue is beginning to cause a rift in what is an otherwise perfect relationship.

What do u all think? Should I let me son live with relatives for a few years? Am I being too protective?

I will really like to hear from anyone who lived with uncles, aunties, grandparents etc growing up, what was it like for you?

Everyone else, can u ever consider letting ur kids live with someone else?

Your boyfriend is a selfish person.you and your son come as one package.he shd stop using your son as a condition if he really loves you.my sister believe your son will suffer with his father's people without you and he would never forgive for that.so choose wisely.

Your innocent son will only SUFFER if you leave him with people other than your mum. Your baby should come 1st in whatever you do. If your boyfriend can't stand taking care of your child, am sorry he is not meant for you. Why use the baby as an excuse. I wonder what fulfilment is there in UK or everever, when you can't say if your child has had anything to eat or Drink 2day. Be wise, love is no more blind, it has gone digital.

teemilo: I am a mom to a three year old boy from a previous relationship that ended because it was abusive.

My boyfriend of about six months is pressuring me to give my boy to his fathers 'people' (at least for a while)so I can move on with my life.

Since I was a girl I have wanted to be an academic and I was right on track(excellent grades&everything) until I fell pregnant.

Now boyfie wants to pay for my Uk/US/canada Masters degree with the hope that I will get a PHD research position immediately after.

I would love with all my heart to be able to travel for graduate studies but I clearly can't do this with a little boy in tow, that why my man insists I have to take him to his fathers people.

The problem is my boy stayed with them(at his fathers insistence) for few weeks last year&came back malnourised, sickly&very frightened. It broke my heart several times over and I swore I won't do it again.

My own mother is sick and constantly needs care herself.

My boyfie insists that I am overly worried that my son will be fine, he tells me repeatedly that if I give up on my dreams I will eventually regret it. This issue is beginning to cause a rift in what is an otherwise perfect relationship.

What do u all think? Should I let me son live with relatives for a few years? Am I being too protective?

I will really like to hear from anyone who lived with uncles, aunties, grandparents etc growing up, what was it like for you?

Everyone else, can u ever consider letting ur kids live with someone else?

NOBODY can raise your child as well as you can. You have tried it once and seen the consequences, I wonder why you are even considering it again!

Your child is your responsibility first, every other thing is secondary. You BF probably doesn't understand it because he's not the father.

But you are his mother, so it's your duty to protect him.

I really hope u make the right decision!

Very slick move on the part of your boyfriend. On one hand, you have a seemingly "progressive, forward thinking man" who wants you to attain the highest career goal you can. On the other hand, is a man who wants to blackmail you into getting rid of your son and dictate how you manage your personal affairs. Not quite as progressive as he seems, is he?

Just remember that you have only known him for 6 months. He was not there when your child came back sick and malnourished so he doesn't know for a fact that you are just being over protective.


You know the right thing to do.


However, you really want to go abroad for your masters and you don't know if you'll ever find someone else who wants to marry a single mother so I'm guessing you will likely be sending your son away to his suffering. All the best to him.

Do you really need to go abroad to have a Masters degree?

I see three things here: 1) Your child; 2) Your education; and 3) Your boyfriend.

Is your boyfriend equally willing to let you go abroad for your Masters while he is left in Nigeria? I assume not. And besides, how are you so sure he is ready and willing to pay for your Masters study abroad when there is no serious commitment as such between you guys except a boyfriend - girlfriend relationship status.

Sorry I sound too skeptical about him. I just needed a pinch of reality here. Whatever you choose to do, your child is a priority which you should never compromise on.

Cheers.

See confusion wey dey this woman life because a man did not do the needful

Woman always suffer in this issue of single motherhood. always

OP please contact nikkykay https://www.nairaland.com/nikkykay and WAVixen https://www.nairaland.com/wavixen

You can also read more here https://www.nairaland.com/1202357/single-parenting-love-life-career

They may be able to give you advice

Give up your son to satisfy you & your boyfriend?

Have you considered these "future" scenarios?
Boyfie says "since he's doing well with his father's family, why don't you just leave him, let us build our own family together?"
You end up staying longer than anticipated and your son grows up without a strong sense of connection to you.
If you eventually decide to leave your son for your academic pursuit + "boyfie's" satisfaction, you stand the risk of lifetime of trying to win your son back.
There's also the other possibility of your son having a better life with you out of the picture.

These are just conjectures at the moment but please weigh your options carefully.

I donot see your boyfriend as selfish. I understand his position perfectly. He has your best interest at heart. Truly, u might regret it if u end up not achieving your goals. And to think he agreed to sponsor your studies even when he isn't married to u yet. . . He must really be a good man who has a good head on his shoulders.

Now, to the crux of the issue. . . Does your child's father live alone? Is he single or married? If he lives alone and can afford to cater for him, then by all means, let your child stay with him. I doubt he will maltreat his own son except he is the devil himself.

Another option will be your family members. Your siblings, uncles, aunties e.t.c Is there any one of them u think can take care of your child? Someone you know would not maltreat your child.

I totally understand the mother's love thingy. Wanting to make sure your child is always ok and well taken care of. But sometimes, one doesn't have to put everything on hold for her children (that is if there are other options).
And usually, the earlier one sets out to achieve these goals (especially academics) the better.

Please, consider the options u have carefully. If u feel u can't trust anyone u know to take care of your lil one, then u have to stay put and maybe do your masters here in Nigeria and travel later for PHD when he's much older.

Goodluck dear.

that guy is really selfish. he says this because its not his child who was treated bad. sister pay for your own studies before you let an innocent child be hurt because of a man you are trying to impress, who might even lv you tomorrow and your own son hating you

I'll advise that you weigh your options carefully, using myself as an example.

I had my son just after secondary school, and I wanted a degree by all means. This meant having to leave him with my old aunt and forge ahead. There were times I came from school and noticed he wasn't the way i would have wanted. But I decided to be strong, because that's the only way a better life can happen for the both of us.

Now, we are as close as peas. I can provide for all his needs, but this wouldn't have been possible if I didn't go back to school.

Find a relative or someone who can care for your mother and son.
Don't take him to his father. Neither him nor his new girlfriend will care for him like you.

Lastly, ask God for direction.

Pataki: Do you really need to go abroad to have a Masters degree?

I see three things here: 1) Your child; 2) Your education; and 3) Your boyfriend.

Is your boyfriend equally willing to let you go abroad for your Masters while he is left in Nigeria? I assume not. And besides, how are you so sure he is ready and willing to pay for your Masters study abroad when there is no serious commitment as such between you guys except a boyfriend - girlfriend relationship status.

Sorry I sound too skeptical about him. I just needed a pinch of reality here. Whatever you choose to do, your child is a priority which you should never compromise on.

Cheers.

The masters in Nigeria is definitely on the table. Its just that a foreign degree from a top school gives me a much better chance to get a research fellowship which is what we are really after.

I have no way to know if he will actually pay when d time comes but since I won't have to give up my son until I know for sure I am travelling ie fees have been paid, there's no danger of me giving up my son for nothing as it were&therefore no need to worry abt if he really will pay.

Finally, He plans 2 register for a programme in the same school during d same period.

poster maybe you can try talk to your men to pay for you but you still take your baby with. he is your responsibilty now. you do not need to stay on campus. you can share an apartment and look for a part time jiob too. blv me when i say a child who grows up with an absent parent become angry, bitter and hurt. plz do not put your child through that. plz.

bettymafy: I donot see your boyfriend as selfish. I understand his position perfectly. He has your best interest at heart. Truly, u might regret it if u end up not achieving your goals. And to think he agreed to sponsor your studies even when he isn't married to u yet. . . He must really be a good man who has a good head on his shoulders.

Now, to the crux of the issue. . . Does your child's father live alone? Is he single or married? If he lives alone and can afford to cater for him, then by all means, let your child stay with him. I doubt he will maltreat his own son except he is the devil himself.

Another option will be your family members. Your siblings, uncles, aunties e.t.c Is there any one of them u think can take care of your child? Someone you know would not maltreat your child.

I totally understand the mother's love thingy. Wanting to make sure your child is always ok and well taken care of. But sometimes, one doesn't have to put everything on hold for her children (that is if there are other options).
And usually, the earlier one sets out to achieve these goals (especially academics) the better.

Please, consider the options u have carefully. If u feel u can't trust anyone u know to take care of your lil one, then u have to stay put and maybe do your masters here in Nigeria and travel later for PHD when he's much older.

Goodluck dear.

My childs father is in d military, lives in a barracks&his very unstable, he is in no position to care for him.
Its his father's parents that I am considering leaving him with.
I don't have any family members, my siblings and cousins are much younger and I don't have a close knit extended family.

I have already told him that I can't travel right now that I will focus on getting a Nigerian Masters/or online degree&he has agreed albeit reluctanctly.

However, I wonder if I am making d right decision. opportunities like this don't come everyday&if things go great my son will v a better life because of it.

mollytinrox: I'll advise that you weigh your options carefully, using myself as an example.

I had my son just after secondary school, and I wanted a degree by all means. This meant having to leave him with my old aunt and forge ahead. There were times I came from school and noticed he wasn't the way i would have wanted. But I decided to be strong, because that's the only way a better life can happen for the both of us.

Now, we are as close as peas. I can provide for all his needs, but this wouldn't have been possible if I didn't go back to school.

Find a relative or someone who can care for your mother and son.
Don't take him to his father. Neither him nor his new girlfriend will care for him like you.

Lastly, ask God for direction.

I am really inspired by your example, I know it must have been really difficult leaving ur baby with family members but u did it any way.
How did u cope with the guilt&pain of being apart from ur child?
Does ur son hate or resent u even a bit?
Its just so hard sometimes

teemilo:


I am really inspired by your example, I know it must have been really difficult leaving ur baby with family members but u did it any way.
How did u cope with the guilt&pain of being apart from ur child?
Does ur son hate or resent u even a bit?
Its just so hard sometimes

Well, something is got to give. . . This is all in the bid to making a better and fulfilling life for u and that child too. I don't think it will ever be easy to be away from one's child, but I guess it will be worth it in the end.

But like I said, if u donot have anybody u deem fit to take care of your son, then consider online degree in a good school in the UK/US/Canada. Make sure the school doesn't carry the "online status" on the certificates they issue out as most Nigerian employers still haven't come to terms with online studies.

Don't worry about getting PHD positions. U should be able get a good one if u had a sound first and postgraduate degrees (especially in research courses).

By the way, I commend your effort to dust it all up and go make a good life for yourself and your son. Its not an easy feat. Weldone.

bettymafy:

Well, something is got to give. . . This is all in the bid to making a better and fulfilling life for u and that child too. I don't think it will ever be easy to be away from one's child, but I guess it will be worth it in the end.

But like I said, if u donot have anybody u deem fit to take care of your son, then consider online degree in a good school in the UK/US/Canada. Make sure the school doesn't carry the "online status" on the certificates they issue out as most Nigerian employers still haven't come to terms with online studies.

Don't worry about getting PHD positions. U should be able get a good one if u had a sound first and postgraduate degrees (especially in research courses).

By the way, I commend your effort to dust it all up and go make a good life for yourself and your son. Its not an easy feat. Weldone.

nice

Your boyfriend of six months and son of 3 years.

ok

I really don't understand why you need this man to achieve your dreams if you are as intelligent as you claim. Giving up your child is a condition he gave based on him helping you. How about you help yourself and travel with your child. If you are that intelligent, you wouldn't wait for a man to pay your way through, you would be able to get scholarships and all sorts which will make you quite comfortable and afford your child a better life. Don't worry many boyfriends will come, and this your boyfriend will be fine. Your child should be your priority, you brought him into this world. And really, it is an insult for anyone to try to make you ashamed or abandon your son. Have some self esteem and protect your child's existence and your dignity please. Everything is not money. You could also save and go to school in Nigeria.

@baby .....very very disheartening , my supper taste bland reading replies .... a whole child to please a man you just met 6 month just cos of MONEY??
This is what poverty in Nigeria has resorted into?

OP do you know that you're ( & your son) automatically granted permanent residency in Canada as soon as you're about to finish your postgraduate programme?? Your kid is entitled to everything (childcare,healthcare&Education) free of charge?? You get child entitlement monthly for his upkeep ( no income) and You will forever be his hero.

Don't sell yourself short at the detriment of a precious innocent child please in name of 'oppurtunity' , what will be will surely be.

Raise your child yourself and get him ( boyfie or whatever you call him) out of your brain cos he's brainwashing you.

jidegirl12: @baby .....very very disheartening , my supper taste bland reading replies .... a whole child to please a man you just met 6 month just cos of MONEY??
This is what poverty in Nigeria has resorted into?

OP do you know that you're ( & your son) automatically granted permanent residency in Canada as soon as you're about to finish your postgraduate programme?? Your kid is entitled to everything (childcare,healthcare&Education) free of charge?? You get child entitlement monthly for his upkeep ( no income) and You will forever be his hero.

Don't sell yourself short at the detriment of a precious innocent child please in name of 'oppurtunity' , what will be will surely be.

Raise your child yourself and get him ( boyfie or whatever you call him) out of your brain cos he's brainwashing you.

I wonder why she would have a child in the first place if he is so disposable for any man that comes her way. Maybe the child was a tool to get married, and since that didn't work out, she wouldn't mind pushing him in a corner and "moving on" like her boyfriend calls it. Na wa o. Kai, that the guy can even open his mouth to say such, shows how you have placed yourself in front of him, and also how you regard your child. If you were not contemplating it or having second thoughts you wouldn't come on here to post this. If you think a man will respect a woman who can so easily dispose her most prized possession for money, then you are really deceiving yourself. A time will come when you will be totally washed for this.The day any man tells you, that to succeed will mean abandoning your family and running off with him to have access to funds or help just because he has money, will be the last day you should set eyes on each other. Anything you want to achieve, you can do yourself through dedication and hardwork. You don't need anyones money or conditions. You know how to make use of a computer right? Get to work and start planning your future.You better dump that lil sh*it you call a boyfriend and get a life for you and your child. Learn to workhard without laying on your back for a man to feed you. You get more respect for you and your child that way. SMH.

God will show the right way but be careful of this boyfriend he not to be trusted.

Op please don't let anyone hassle you.

Remember also just as it looks bad that the man wants to seperate you from jr he may also have good plans for you

Someone has mentioned canada and that is a good idea

Discuss your concerns with your man and you guys should come up with an alternative suitable to all parties

As a woman, you also have your needs don't let anyone make you feel ashamed of that

Now she is the trapper but the phool of a baby daddy is the star abi?
If you are empowered, that child has a better life too


Always women castigating each other

If it works well na you go benefit am

Ish

May God help you

@op,what of if u get pregnant while schooli or do u think its not possible?
Secondly,a guy that can sponsor ur oversea schoolin can also marry u cos I don't c money as d problem or u don't want to tie d knot with him?
Assumin u r single,I don't think pple will care but can u c d replies? Is d sacrfice u r abt to make really worth it my dear?
How well do u know d pple u want to leave ur child with?
What provisin is ur boyfriend makin for ur boy or he just shovd him aside cos he is a distraction?
If he can do dis,that means d buy is not welcomed in his house after marriage.
He can permanently stay with his daddy pple afterall he has bn with dem all these yrs.(Future)
@op,weigh ur options though I c ur mind is almost made up.
'Pple don't really change,there true color r always there for us to c even after marriage'

baby_123:

I wonder why she would have a child in the first place if he is so disposable for any man that comes her way. Maybe the child was a tool to get married, and since that didn't work out, she wouldn't mind pushing him in a corner and "moving on" like her boyfriend calls it. Na wa o. Kai, that the guy can even open his mouth to say such, shows how you have placed yourself in front of him, and also how you regard your child. If you were not contemplating it or having second thoughts you wouldn't come on here to post this. If you think a man will respect a woman who can so easily dispose her most prized possession for money, then you are really deceiving yourself. A time will come when you will be totally washed for this.The day any man tells you, that to succeed will mean abandoning your family and running off with him to have access to funds or help just because he has money, will be the last day you should set eyes on each other. Anything you want to achieve, you can do yourself through dedication and hardwork. You don't need anyones money or conditions. You know how to make use of a computer right? Get to work and start planning your future.You better dump that lil sh*it you call a boyfriend and get a life for you and your child. Learn to workhard without laying on your back for a man to feed you. You get more respect for you and your child that way. SMH.

Well it won't be a NL thread if someone didn't insult you.
Madam, I know several people who have travelled out for studies,hustling etc and they all left their children behind. Does this mean their children are disposable. Its because its not easy travelling with dependants,life in a new country is tough&full of uncertainties, its just smarter to wait till ure settled then u bring ur children.

I know there are women who leave their children from past relationships because of a new one but if u were not in such a hurry to judge you would have realized that this is not the case.

It is my dream to be a professor not my boyfriend's,I am perfectly content with getting my degrees in Nigeria but my man wants to give me the world.

I refuse to be ashamed that I am considering letting someone pay for my graduate degree, I am just twenty five y should I be ashamed that I don't v 8 million naira.

And don't u dare talk to me about hardwork and dedication, I work hard everyday to take care of my boy&my sick mother.
You have no idea what my life is like Madam..

jidegirl12: @baby .....very very disheartening , my supper taste bland reading replies .... a whole child to please a man you just met 6 month just cos of MONEY??
This is what poverty in Nigeria has resorted into?

OP do you know that you're ( & your son) automatically granted permanent residency in Canada as soon as you're about to finish your postgraduate programme?? Your kid is entitled to everything (childcare,healthcare&Education) free of charge?? You get child entitlement monthly for his upkeep ( no income) and You will forever be his hero.

Don't sell yourself short at the detriment of a precious innocent child please in name of 'oppurtunity' , what will be will surely be.

Raise your child yourself and get him ( boyfie or whatever you call him) out of your brain cos he's brainwashing you.

Now dis post I find most baffling!
' A whole child because of money'
What does this mean, did u read anywhere that the child was being sold into slavery or left in an orphanage or abandoned at the roadside or something?

I am considering leaving him with relatives his grandparents specifically who definitely can't love him like his mother but will at least take care of him.

And how is it because of money? is that all u see really, MONEY? did I say my boyfriend wants me to give up my son before he buys me a car/house/business?

This is about education and empowerment. And giving my son a chance at a better life.

And if u read my initial post u will realize that I was also considering canada...

Which brings me back to the original question even if I get a full scholarship, I will still need a heck of a lot of money to fulfil the visa requirements for living expenses for myself&a child won't i?

But on the other hand,when I successfully finish d programme&get permanent residency won't it be easier then to bring my son into the country??! Which is exactly want my boyfriend says I should do.

@biolabee, thank you so much for your words.

teemilo:


Now dis post I find most baffling!
' A whole child because of money'
What does this mean, did u read anywhere that the child was being sold into slavery or left in an orphanage or abandoned at the roadside or something?

I am considering leaving him with relatives his grandparents specifically who definitely can't love him like his mother but will at least take care of him.

And how is it because of money? is that all u see really, MONEY? did I say my boyfriend wants me to give up my son before he buys me a car/house/business?

This is about education and empowerment. And giving my son a chance at a better life.

And if u read my initial post u will realize that I was also considering canada...

Which brings me back to the original question even if I get a full scholarship, I will still need a heck of a lot of money to fulfil the visa requirements for living expenses for myself&a child won't i?

But on the other hand,when I successfully finish d programme&get permanent residency won't it be easier then to bring my son into the country??! Which is exactly want my boyfriend says I should do.

Which of his Grandparents and relatives? Thought you said your mum was ill and your siblings were too young

Anyways, I see your mind is already made up . . I hope you make the right decision for yourself and for your child.

But ask yourself this one question . . . if your boyfriend were to be the boy's father, will he still ask you to do the same thing

[quote author=teemilo]


Now dis post I find most baffling!
' A whole child because of money'
What does this mean, did u read anywhere that the child was being sold into slavery or left in an orphanage or abandoned at the roadside or something?

I am considering leaving him with relatives his grandparents specifically who definitely can't love him like his mother but will at least take care of him.

And how is it because of money? is that all u see really, MONEY? did I say my boyfriend wants me to give up my son before he buys me a car/house/business?

This is about education and empowerment. And giving my son a chance at a better life.

And if u read my initial post u will realize that I was also considering canada...

Which brings me back to the original question even if I get a full scholarship, I will still need a heck of a lot of money to fulfil the visa requirements for living expenses for myself&a child won't i?

But on the other hand,when I successfully finish d programme&get permanent residency won't it be easier then to bring my son into the country??! Which is exactly want my boyfriend says I should do.[/quote)
Next time,give substantial info. Don't crucify anybody cos ur info was scanty and pple filled in d gap!u didn't give ur guy chance at d beginnin hence those comments

It's like you have your plans already. You're just here to whine people's mouth.
However, a BOYFRIEND of 6 months sponsoring you abroad is not a smart move, trust me.
What happened to marrying him or at least, getting engaged. There are too many disadvantages to it and you have to sit back and think well. It's like a stranger sending you out of the country. By stranger, i mean, do you even know this guy well enough to be getting this kind of help from him?
In my own opinion, i think you should further your studies in Nigeria for now, maybe after some time, you can proceed with the abroad thingy. Your life became complicated when you decided to have a child at such a tender age outside matrimony without realizing your dreams first and you have to live it that way: COMPLICATED! It cannot be about you only again, it has to be about you and your child.

Ujujoan:

Which of his Grandparents and relatives? Thought you said your mum was ill and your siblings were too young

Anyways, I see your mind is already made up . . I hope you make the right decision for yourself and for your child.

But ask yourself this one question . . . if your boyfriend were to be the boy's father, will he still ask you to do the same thing

His grandparents ie his fathers parents.

My mind is not made up at all, I am still so scared and confused.

I know that if my boyfriend was my sons father he would v sent us both out of d country because he can afford to, but I don't think the fact that he refuses to do so makes him selfish.
Its his money afterall, he has to be careful how he spends it on someone who isn't his wife...
Sigh!

teemilo:


His grandparents ie his fathers parents.

My mind is not made up at all, I am still so scared and confused.

I know that if my boyfriend was my sons father he would v sent us both out of d country because he can afford to, but I don't think the fact that he refuses to do so makes him selfish.
Its his money afterall, he has to be careful how he spends it on someone who isn't his wife...
Sigh!

Has anyone told you how crazy and stoopid you are/sound? Let me be the first to tell you that