Pataki: xxxxxx

ok noted.. an error on my part..that was my bad and not meant to cause offense
This land is quick to castigate single mums as the first set of posts showed

Now where did you say i abused you..ok seen!

you were on my case and even when a poster said the questions may make sense .. u were still on my ish telling me i shd have a quota of posts or sth like that

Now u go further and call me tetchy.. see?

As an olove branch from my part and i dont expect any from you though. i will modify said posts..

biolabee:

This land is quick to castigate single mums as the first set of posts showed

The first set of posts before you posted showed no such thing. Your snide dig (per your usual MO) was completely uncalled for at the time.

ok..ileoba... noted...usual MO? interesting...

Well the OP can still make comments if she still wants...

Can we please give it a rest and leave Biola alone??

I know I know it's coming from me but please let it go.... Erm this time

biolabee:

ok noted.. an error on my part..that was my bad and not meant to cause offense
This land is quick to castigate single mums as the first set of posts showed

Now where did you say i abused you..ok seen!

you were on my case and even when a poster said the questions may make sense .. u were still on my ish telling me i shd have a quota of posts or sth like that

Now u go further and call me tetchy.. see?

As an olove branch from my part and i dont expect any from you though. i will modify said posts..

I did not call you tetchy. I said your attitude I find it to be tetchy. Anyways, I proffer apologies in whatever way I have offended you.

But I will rather leave my posts as they were. Sorry about that.

Thats cool... we still dey this land so hope for better understanding....

biolabee: Thats cool... we still dey this land so hope for better understanding....

Sure bro. Cheers.

teemilo: I really can't pick on all of the above post so I will just try to address the issues I feel have been raised repeatedly.

The first will be:why can't I travel with my son?
My son is young&yet to start school, to the best of my knowledge free public education starts at age 5&thereabout, that means if travel I will have to pay heavily for private preschool+childcare afterwards if I decide to work.
If I persuade my bf to sponsor us both, I fear for what will happen if the relationship hits the rocks&he stops sending money.

If I am by myself if something like that happens it will be a lot easier to cope if all I have to worry about is myself.

So the way I see it my only real options are stay in Nigeria or travel without my son.


2) Why am I considering sending my son back to his grandparents after the last time.

The last time he was there, he was younger&was not really eating solids properly.I guess they tried to wean him forcefully. You know how old people think every child should be content eating amala and ewedu everyday... Anyway, I think that explains( but does not excuse tho) how skinny he looked when he came back.

If I ever intend to leave him there&travel,i will definitely stock their house with his favorite foods that would last at least 3mnths, I will also make sure my younger ones visit at least once a month with provisions&to check how he is doing.

If travel next year, he will be already four, it will be easier for them to care for a four year old boy than a two year old baby...
And I definitely do not think they went out of their way to maltreat him. They threw him a first year birthday party (even though the date had since passed) he came home with several toys that he got as gifts.

Infact my real fear is that they won't give him back to me when I get back into the country.

I am yoruba&yoruba families don't joke with their first sons.

Actually that is my biggest fear for you. I have seen instances where the man's family will take away the child and it is more likely to happen when you leave him with them for long and they bond with him. Also remember that even if you take them to court they will have an advantage as they can claim that you find it very easy to abandon your son when you thing he's in the way and they can site the 2 instance you would have left him with them. Please note that a lot can be distorted to suit their story. Also if by then you are remarrying they will even claim that if you abandoned him for a man before and therefore you are an irresponsible mother. Think about it very well, its not a joke to lose a child. The boy will never forgive you if you leave him for whatever reason and go on to have a husband and new kids.

@OP,

Your son is in his formative years, hence proper care must be taken in his handling. Caring for a child goes beyond giving him food which is the only thing you have put into consideration from what I have read so far. Are you sure the grandparents you "plan" leaving him with will be able to instill real values and morals into the boy as you will do? The parents who couldn't instill sound moral values in their son that impregnated and abandoned you in the first place, how well are you sure they can do it now?

I understand your fervent desire and dream to becoming a professor. By the way, what was your first degree on and what grade did you finish with? If you finished with a minimum of second class upper, I know you can get full scholarship for Masters/PhD in USA, Canada. You may probably get funding in Europe, check with DAAD in Germany.

In all the plans you want to do, I will advise you not to scheme out that innocent boy. If your boyfriend does not want to see him now, what assurance do you have that he will accept him later? If he sincerely loves you, he must plan for your son along with you.

May God help you with your decision but remember that your boyfriend must be able to accept your son with you before you can fully trust the guy. It is well with you

My friend brought her son to the uk and guess what had a distinction at the end of the day. No kidding...

planning preparation and more planning. You sure can pull it off.

teemilo:


His grandparents ie his fathers parents.

My mind is not made up at all, I am still so scared and confused.

I know that if my boyfriend was my sons father he would v sent us both out of d country because he can afford to, but I don't think the fact that he refuses to do so makes him selfish.
Its his money afterall, he has to be careful how he spends it on someone who isn't his wife...
Sigh!

I hope U know U are making excuses for Ur BF.
Careful is not the same as neglecting d welfare of a little child, whether he's Ur son or not.

touchmeder: My friend brought her son to the uk and guess what had a distinction at the end of the day. No kidding...

planning preparation and more planning. You sure can pull it off.

Wow, this is inspiring. I wonder if there's any way I could contact this friend for practical advice&specific details relating to childcare and visa requirements for travelling with a child.
If there is I could PM you and u give me her contacts via email.

Even if u can't, thanks for this post, m inspired.

bellong: @OP,

Your son is in his formative years, hence proper care must be taken in his handling. Caring for a child goes beyond giving him food which is the only thing you have put into consideration from what I have read so far. Are you sure the grandparents you "plan" leaving him with will be able to instill real values and morals into the boy as you will do? The parents who couldn't instill sound moral values in their son that impregnated and abandoned you in the first place, how well are you sure they can do it now?

I understand your fervent desire and dream to becoming a professor. By the way, what was your first degree on and what grade did you finish with? If you finished with a minimum of second class upper, I know you can get full scholarship for Masters/PhD in USA, Canada. You may probably get funding in Europe, check with DAAD in Germany.

In all the plans you want to do, I will advise you not to scheme out that innocent boy. If your boyfriend does not want to see him now, what assurance do you have that he will accept him later? If he sincerely loves you, he must plan for your son along with you.

May God help you with your decision but remember that your boyfriend must be able to accept your son with you before you can fully trust the guy. It is well with you

Thanks a lot for your prayers. I had a second class upper in Crimonology& have actually been offered two scholarships in d Uk in the past, my challenge was in raising the funds to meet the living expenses requirement.

Full scholarships in my field are extremely rare. I will focus my search this time around on the US and Canada like you have said.

As regards my boyfriend accepting my son, I want to assure that I won't even be with this man if I didn't know he loves my son, I take my duties as a mom very seriously.

Its just that my bf is convinced that my travelling initially with my son is unecessary hardship for the both of us. He also believes that it will also make it less likely for me to get a visa because the financial requirements for travelling with dependants are much higher.

teemilo:

Thanks a lot for your prayers. I had a second class upper in Crimonology& have actually been offered two scholarships in d Uk in the past, my challenge was in raising the funds to meet the living expenses requirement.

Full scholarships in my field are extremely rare. I will focus my search this time around on the US and Canada like you have said.

As regards my boyfriend accepting my son, I want to assure that I won't even be with this man if I didn't know he loves my son, I take my duties as a mom very seriously.

Its just that my bf is convinced that my travelling initially with my son is unecessary hardship for the both of us. He also believes that it will also make it less likely for me to get a visa because the financial requirements for travelling with dependants are much higher.

That is good, you can add your search to schools in Australia, I know they have a lot of grants for criminology. Wouldn't know if you can do forensic science, it will be easier getting funds for that in Australia. DO not mind the distance, the country is one of the best place to be in the world. If you are taking post-graduate study there, your child will be taken care of at school free of charge. You can also check this link below, think its UN fund for criminal justice program. Wishing you all the best in your endeavour.

http://nufoundation.org/Page.aspx?pid=1228

Lastly, do not let the mistake of the first repeat itself, so be careful how you tread and not carry a second pregnancy until fully married. It is well with you

Now this I like
I hope you make the best choice for you, your child and your future

Are you an Arsenal fan? Reading from your signature, am a fan as well

biolabee: Now this I like
I hope you make the best choice for you, your child and your future

bellong: Are you an Arsenal fan? Reading from your signature, am a fan as well

Wetin man go do naw.. 1 day the man will leave and maybe the board will have some sense

I follow barca too

I believe next season will be better considering the debt from the stadium is almost paid off and some change from the clause in Song, RVP and Fabregas about winning trophy. Puma is also bringing in lot of cash for a fresh deal with some TV ads.. The Prof and board have no excuse for not spending this summer.

biolabee:

Wetin man go do naw.. 1 day the man will leave and maybe the board will have some sense

I follow barca too

bellong: I believe next season will be better considering the debt from the stadium is almost paid off and some change from the clause in Song, RVP and Fabregas about winning trophy. Puma is also bringing in lot of cash for a fresh deal with some TV ads.. The Prof and board have no excuse for not spending this summer.

Hope floats eternal bro... we will say the same thing next year

But not to derail thread, lets meet here https://www.nairaland.com/810639/arsenal-fan-thread-rising-ashes

How judgemental are people on this thread and on Nairaland generally. The family section used to be where people get encouraged no matter the mistakes they have made in life.

This young woman does not deserve insults from anyone no matter what she has been through or the mistakes she has made. The fact that your life has been smooth does not mean everyone else has had it easy. So disheartning to read some comments on here *sigh*. It is so easy to act like we are the best mothers in the world without realising that people find themselves in different circumstances. You have not expereinced this before, how can you know the actions you will take?


@OP, is very right to be worried about dragging her son along to the UK or wherever without going to test the waters first. How hard is it to come to the UK and settle down as a student not to talk of with a child.( please visit the travel section). The wise thing to do is look for capable hands in Nigeria to take care of the child for now, even if its for 6 months only while this youg woman tries to settle down and weigh her options. I know Doctors here that have sent their kids to Nigeria for like 6 months while writing exams and doing stuff. It's so that the kids can have a better future.

I am not sure of her boyfriend's intentions but a man that will date a single mother in the first place can't be that bad. He is sensible and knows that taking a child abroad with you when you are not even settled is worse for the child. How can anyone even suggest he is trying to seperate them?

It is now left for the OP to look for reasonable care for the child in Nigeria while she tries to get a better life for them.

@OP, the only thing I will say is if the child will not be properly taken care of and likely to be maltreated, please weigh your options properly. Please you are not a bad mother for not wanting to take him with you at first, that is bollocks.
If the Canada visa works out,all fair and good but do a lot of researc before you go. Easy for people to say free this and that. It's a lot easier when you are settled and you just bring the child in.

^^^ God bless u real good! I was just ashamed for some people when they were busy insulting her left, right and centre. How aweful can people be? Perfect people with perfect lives!

Anyway, Op, u have read some good pieces of advice here. Seive through and do what is best for u and your child.

I still don't think taking your child along this first time is the best option whether there is free child care or not. Settling down in a foreign land is usually not easy for a single person, not to talk of a child inclusive. I would prefer u bring him over after u have settled down fully. (That is if there are no capable hands to take care of him in Nigeria).

Goodluck.

@teemilo. I wouldn't want u to leave ur son behind. Since ur field is criminology, there's a masters programme (international criminal justice and crime prevention) fully funded by DAAD. It's in Capetown SA. I got full scholarship(tuition, living expenses, accommodation, flight ticket and a summer trip to Germany). I didn't go to Germany cos i was pregnant at d time. If u do very well, u can get a Phd positn. If u are lucky to get d scholarship, i can give u tips on how to go about settling down with ur son and studying. I did it, u can do it too. Visit www.transcrim.org

@last people are giving useful advice instead of just condemning d op. I don't think travelling with a child to a strange place for the first time is the best idea too. When u get dere, and uve tested the waters, u can den call for your child.

Its also not a bad thing for u to want to improve yourself, and If u are lucky to find someone who's willing to pay d bills, then dats good. All these pple making u out to be a gold digger are just bitter . In the end I know u'll make the best decision for you and your child.

@poster contrary to what many have said about your boyfriend, i think he is watching your back
many people here don't know what the daycare cost here is, even working guys are complaining
what happens to you when the financial burden becomes too much
how many men here will foot a woman's school bill without being married to her?

Sometimes you have to make sacrifices to get to where you want to be and get the best for your kid.
I don't see anything wrong in you leaving your kid with his grannies while you go and better yourself for you and your kid
the only issue is will they give him back to you when you come back??

After i was born, my mom had her NCE and wanted to get her degree, she had to leave me with my grandmum (from dads side) and when she will come back, i wouldn't let her or anyone carry me.
I feel no resentments towards my mom, it is still with the job she got with the degree , that she sustained the house not too long afterwards when my dad lost his job.

Jump forward 28 yrs later, no one cares about what happened then, but the fact that we are all doing well now.

Then am sure they would have called her all sorts of name for leaving her young baby to study and wondering what kind of wife my dad married (especially when none of dads siblings were graduates).

Map out your strategy, get all your fees paid upfront(or atleast 70%) while you are still in Naija.
get your kid one of these andriod tablets or ipad, do video calls from time to time.
If you dont trust the inlaws to help with this, give it to your siblings, load it from time to time and they will visit your kid so you do these calls.
Sometimes these technologies are used to solve issues like this.

Nobody said that it was easy, but it is worth it, once you sort yourself, you can then come for your kid, am sure his granny will be willing to let him go with you especially when they know he is going to obodo oyibo.


***The reservations we have is that it is very rare for a boyfriend of 6 months to take up this challenge, We wouldn't want him to hurt you or cause more damage

hmmm..... some constructive feedback for you OP

peclint: @poster contrary to what many have said about your boyfriend, i think he is watching your back
many people here don't know what the daycare cost here is, even working guys are complaining
what happens to you when the financial burden becomes too much
how many men here will foot a woman's school bill without being married to her?

Sometimes you have to make sacrifices to get to where you want to be and get the best for your kid.
I don't see anything wrong in you leaving your kid with his grannies while you go and better yourself for you and your kid
the only issue is will they give him back to you when you come back??

After i was born, my mom had her NCE and wanted to get her degree, she had to leave me with my grandmum (from dads side) and when she will come back, i wouldn't let her or anyone carry me.
I feel no resentments towards my mom, it is still with the job she got with the degree , that she sustained the house not too long afterwards when my dad lost his job.

Jump forward 28 yrs later, no one cares about what happened then, but the fact that we are all doing well now.

Then am sure they would have called her all sorts of name for leaving her young baby to study and wondering what kind of wife my dad married (especially when none of dads siblings were graduates).

Map out your strategy, get all your fees paid upfront(or atleast 70%) while you are still in Naija.
get your kid one of these andriod tablets or ipad, do video calls from time to time.
If you dont trust the inlaws to help with this, give it to your siblings, load it from time to time and they will visit your kid so you do these calls.
Sometimes these technologies are used to solve issues like this.

Nobody said that it was easy, but it is worth it, once you sort yourself, you can then come for your kid, am sure his granny will be willing to let him go with you especially when they know he is going to obodo oyibo.


***The reservations we have is that it is very rare for a boyfriend of 6 months to take up this challenge, We wouldn't want him to hurt you or cause more damage

[/b]

You're confused.

@first bolded her boyfriend is watching her back

YET

@Second bolded you flipped again and rubished your whole epistle, that being said Who are the 'WE' you referred to in your second bolded ?

Sorry but your mom was in the country and returned home every night to make it up to you.
What blonde example will person no go hear for this thread? First was bill gates or Steve carrel now you?

Constructive feedback * clears throat* yeye dey smell, you'd never change.

And for those 'constructive' contributors that doubt the freebies mentioned , it's very rude to condemn what you have no freaking clue of.

People just want to hear rubbish to soothe their guilty conscience, do whatever pleases you Abeg.

Rotflmao @ Jide!!

God Bless you, Mama!!

Doncha just hate it when people speak outta both sides of their mouth, flip flopping like flipper all over the place in the guise of being....can't even tell what sef. Yes, things are not always black and white but gaddamn, how hard is it to at least pretend to be consistent?

Please!!!

jidegirl12: [/b]

You're confused.

@first bolded her boyfriend is watching her back

YET

@Second bolded you flipped again and rubished your whole epistle that being said Who are the 'WE' you referred to in your second bolded ?

Constructive feedback * clears throat* yeye dey smell, you'd never change.

And for those 'constructive' contributors that doubt the freebies mentioned , it's very rude to condemn what you have no freaking clue of.

People just want to hear rubbish to soothe their guilty conscience, do whatever pleases you Abeg.

@jidegirl, life is not clear cut, am not a magician or fortune teller to tell the intent of her BF
you cannot judge the boyfriend based on your feelings, the fact that a man is going through that length is a rarity, doesn't mean it cannot happen.

Sometimes you have to approach life looking at both the advantages and disadvantages, calculate your risks and make a decision.

You need to always read between the lines and not type because you can, part of mitigating her risks, was an advise that she has to make sure that at least she has 70% of the fees paid while in Naija, that way if the boyfriend pulls out, she knows she will complete the program by looking for a petty job, and work towards a sponsored PhD, and still come out with the goals she had set herself from the onset.

jidegirl12: [/b]

You're confused.

@first bolded her boyfriend is watching her back

YET

@Second bolded you flipped again and rubished your whole epistle, that being said Who are the 'WE' you referred to in your second bolded ?

Lmao! You told it! So many double speaking 'Angels' on this thread. After giving their holy spiel, they then say exactly what the people they are condemning have said. Too funny.

peclint:

@jidegirl, life is not clear cut, am not a magician or fortune teller to tell the intent of her BF
you cannot judge the boyfriend based on your feelings, the fact that a man is going through that length is a rarity, doesn't mean it cannot happen.

Sometimes you have to approach life looking at both the advantages and disadvantages, calculate your risks and make a decision.

You need to always read between the lines and not type because you can, part of mitigating her risks, was an advise that she has to make sure that at least she has 70% of the fees paid while in Naija, that way if the boyfriend pulls out, she knows she will complete the program by looking for a petty job, and work towards a sponsored PhD, and still come out with the goals she had set herself from the onset.

What's there to read?

Na by force to travel? She has a baggage now, the guy should embrace her or suck it! Somebody just mentioned SA with the freebies that comes with it.... as the matter of fact she lived it.... so what's the back and forth about gaan?

ayandee: @teemilo. I wouldn't want u to leave ur son behind. Since ur field is criminology, there's a masters programme (international criminal justice and crime prevention) fully funded by DAAD. It's in Capetown SA. I got full scholarship(tuition, living expenses, accommodation, flight ticket and a summer trip to Germany). I didn't go to Germany cos i was pregnant at d time. If u do very well, u can get a Phd positn. If u are lucky to get d scholarship, i can give u tips on how to go about settling down with ur son and studying. I did it, u can do it too. Visit www.transcrim.org

So many things I'd like to pursuit but my baggage wouldn't let me and I worked with what I have, develop my skills as much as I could and thank God we are doing fine..... The earlier the better she engrave the facts into her blonde fixed skull the better hence she should stay put and raise her kid herself, kids are not toys to abandon with grandma for yeye greener pastures that'll benefit the yeye guy in long run dammit!!!!

@sisi and ile.... Na so we see am oh!! The thing don tire me.... what do they stand for really?? BE Straightforward and stop rambling for cover back and forth dammit!!!

Reason why I befriend older 50+ gals.... they shoot the bullseye ..... tell it as it is.

@Jidegirl:
there are 2 kinds of people, 1 sees a glass of water as half full, another sees it as half empty.
She either sees her kid as a baggage or a blessing, it all depends on how she sees it.

Our perceptions are not always reality
as long as she weighs all the risks and minimizes them.

She does sound intelligent and responsible, the fact she has a kid, isn't the end of her life.

peclint: @Jidegirl:
there are 2 kinds of people, 1 sees a glass of water as half full, another sees it as half empty.
She either sees her kid as a baggage or a blessing, it all depends on how she sees it.

Our perceptions are not always reality
as long as she weighs all the risks and minimizes them.

She does sound intelligent and responsible, the fact she has a kid, isn't the end of her life.

It's a NO brainer Mr ?? Children are Responsibility hence Baggage that you carry along with you wherever you go and I don't mean to the washroom......

To be regarded and venerated as a responsible and intelligent parent ( that you just mentioned as a mere thing) , you MUST be accountable for your kid ( under 18) as long as you don't have a disability of any kind that puts the kid in danger. ( I have disabled clients with children so what gives??)

You know what I'm not up to this lovely evening? arguing for argument sake, I need to tend to my premeditated baggages right here ( going biking) you can keep aro using her bad choice all you want cos that's pretty common here , I'm just rooting for the little kid dazzall!