The 20 Best Things You Can Do For Your Relationship

Amazing advice from real married couples and people who have seen, studied, and lived really good love.



Don't try to change what you fell for


"Remember that every trait you love about your mate has a corresponding not-so-lovable flip side. So if you adore them for thinking outside of the box, don't beat them over the head for not fitting in with the Joneses. Embrace what's unique. That's worth more than all the Joneses in the world." --Kerry Ehrin, writer and producer for NBC's Parenthood and Friday Night Lights


Don't try to change what you fell for


"Remember that every trait you love about your mate has a corresponding not-so-lovable flip side. So if you adore them for thinking outside of the box, don't beat them over the head for not fitting in with the Joneses. Embrace what's unique. That's worth more than all the Joneses in the world." --Kerry Ehrin, writer and producer for NBC's Parenthood and Friday Night Lights


Prioritize your health


"A physically healthier you translates into every facet of your life, including your romantic relationship. It's a trickle-down effect: When you eat right and exercise, you feel sexy and more comfortable with your body. That will give you the confidence to really be vulnerable, which is essential to intimacy--and it will improve your sex life." --Jillian Michaels, health and wellness expert




Be silly


"Laughing relaxes you and makes you feel closer, so make it a priority. My husband loves to tell jokes just to make me smile, and I enjoy sneaking a tickle when he least expects it. It sounds like a small thing, but it makes a big difference." --REDBOOK contributor Hilda Hutcherson, M.D., ob/gyn and professor at Columbia University in New York City



Keep on growing — apart


"As important as it is to spend time together, a marriage is not an island--each of you also needs a support system of friends and family, and your own interests. I love swimming and biking, while he enjoys playing the piano and reading. Having differing passions can keep a marriage strong by taking the pressure off you to be everything to each other." --REDBOOK READER RUTH NEMZOFF, MARRIED TO HARRIS BERMAN FOR 48 YEARS


Dream big


"Spend time each week, maybe it's every Friday night, talking about your hopes and aspirations as a couple, and think about what will make you happiest going forward. You can say, 'We'll buy a house in our favorite neighborhood within five years,' or, 'We'll have another kid by next summer,' or even, 'We'll eventually visit the beaches of Greece together'--because it's not about planning, it's about imagining. This kind of thinking supplies the motivation to work toward what you want, and recover from setbacks along the way. Couples who don't imagine a bright future together become stuck and brittle... and brittle things break." --Ben Michaelis, Ph.D., clinical psychologist and author of Your Next Big Thing




Stop asking "Do I look fat?"


"Research shows that most women overstate their body size by 25 percent or more. Your butt just got ¼ smaller! Now, instead of asking your partner to judge your figure, you can both concentrate on your relationship." --Michael Alvear, author of Not Tonight Dear, I Feel Fat



Don't nag: Trick him (a little)


"If you want something, make it seem like it's his idea. All you have to do is plant the seed--it'll grow. Last Christmas, I talked to my husband about our grandchildren's gifts: 'It would be nice if the boys had their own computers. I know they probably cost twice what Julie could afford.' An hour later he said, 'If she could pay for one, we could buy the other.' My reply: 'Good idea, Frank!'" --REDBOOK READER DAWNE POLITO, MARRIED TO FRANK FOR 43 YEARS



Don't skimp on pillow talk


"Both sleep and love call for a similar type of psychological surrender. When we're sleepy, our defenses are diminished and we're more emotionally present, making this a good time to deepen intimacy." --Rubin Naiman, Ph.D., sleep and dream psychologist



Give each other the once-over


"Never stop reminding your partner that you find him attractive. My husband recently said, 'Let's take this upstairs, Sexy.' I told him to shush--but it made me smile." --REDBOOK READER CONNIE KALINOWSKI, MARRIED TO JOE FOR 46 YEARS



Be honest — and vocal — about your finances


"No one loves to talk about money, but secrets, whether it's a bad investment or your late-night e-shopping habit, always come out and destroy trust. I've worked with couples who are over $100,000 in credit card debt and on the brink of divorcing, but are able to stop blaming each other, get it paid off, and stay together. I've also worked with couples whose marriages ended because they couldn't come clean about their spending habits. Discussing debt, spending, savings--everything--is the only thing that can help you overcome financial obstacles." --Karen Lee, certified financial planner




Get a reliable babysitter


"Studies show that an important predictor of relationship happiness is how often a couple socializes with friends, so plan a double date. And don't feel guilty about leaving the kids--parents today spend more time with their children than any others in the past 100 years, but they do it at the expense of adult time, which is essential for a strong and happy relationship. Being with friends gives you new things to talk about and allows you to show each other off. Say, 'Tell them that joke you told me!' or, 'He's doing so great at work.' Sharing your mate's strong points with others makes you both feel proud and happy." --Stephanie Coontz, director of research and public education, Council on Contemporary Families




Compliment his...skills


"Men are most loving when they feel manly, and nothing makes a man feel more masculine than being praised for his lovemaking. Keep it simple: Say, 'You were great,' or, 'I loved what you did to me last night,' and walk away. Don't look for a return compliment--the comment must be a gift. Then watch how he'll make an effort to be good to you after that--and I don't just mean sexually." --Abraham Morgentaler, M.D., author of the upcoming book Why Men Fake It: The Truth About Men and Sex




Indulge each other's passions


"My husband's a big golfer, so I took lessons so we could play together. Now that I can keep up with him, it's nice to have a friendly competition going, and he enjoys that we do something he loves--and can give me pointers at." --Misty May-Treanor, Olympic gold medalist




Let him go


"That doesn't mean stop caring. It means be secure enough within yourself that you don't freak out if he's not with you and you don't know exactly where he is. I've never tried to control Fred, and the fire is still hot." --REDBOOK READER JOYCE FIELDS, MARRIED TO FRED FOR 45 YEARS




Ask the right question


"You must stay curious. I learned this from watching couples in conversation say things like, 'Are you done yet?' so they could have their turn. The other person inevitably responds defensively because they feel unheard. When the listener was coached to instead ask, 'Is there more about that?' in an interested tone, the speaker relaxed, and began to talk from a deeper level, which made for more meaningful discussions." --Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., relationship therapist and coauthor of Making Marriage Simple: Ten Truths for Changing the Relationship You Have Into the One You Want



Have a secret language


"We have a system of hand-squeeze signals to use at parties to find out: Do you love me? Shall we leave now? Do you want to make love when we get home? Communicating without anyone else knowing gives you a rush and makes you feel even closer." --REDBOOK READER LOIS TSCHETTER HJELMSTAD, MARRIED TO LES FOR 64 YEARS



Get yourself in the mood


"Couples share so many mundane activities, like washing dishes, changing diapers, and paying the bills; it can be easy for the relationship to lose its sexual charge. The most successful pairs take the time to prime themselves for sex, instead of waiting for a lightning bolt of lust to strike them in the middle of a harried day. It sounds weird at first, but I tell clients who are having intimacy problems to get their motors running by thinking about their partner's sexiest qualities for at least 10 minutes per day, and to create new fantasies about them. Or, dream up your ideal erotic encounter, build anticipation by rehearsing it in your mind, and then make it happen. If you really focus on it, you'll notice a change in your level of desire take shape immediately." --Brandy Engler, psychologist and author of The Men on My Couch


Be biased about him


"I work with a lot of couples who get in trouble because they let anger at their partner over one thing poison their whole view. Suddenly, the person is annoying, difficult, unattractive, and selfish. I teach them to use the 'halo effect'--which means that you use one outstanding trait to generalize an overly favorable view of someone. The trick is to keep positive images of each other front and center, even during disagreements or feelings of boredom. Despite a current annoyance, they can then recall that their partner is funny, has beautiful eyes, or is sweetly protective. Holding on to that valued image will keep you from spiraling toward the disdain that makes couples split up." --Gail Saltz, M.D., psychiatrist and best-selling author of The Ripple Effect: How Better Sex Can Lead to a Better Life



Get a little privacy


"A lot of people would say that the best thing you can do is practice patience, or never go to bed angry, but really? Separate bathrooms. Everyone needs a private space, and the bathroom makes for an excellent one." --REDBOOK READER GYLEAN TRABUCCHI, MARRIED TO ZENO FOR 46 YEARS

So many rules- it's always do this, don't do that. Ah ah, for me, just be URSELF. I love NATURAL THINGS. Ok what if later he finds out you were faking. LET HIM LIKE OR HATE YOU THE WAY YOU ARE! Once again Be YOURSELF!!!

Nice post, makes sense, but I don't agree with everything.

--REDBOOK READER GYLEAN
TRABUCCHI, MARRIED TO ZENO FOR 46
YEARS

...and so what? Does it mean that what worked for him MUST work for others? I beg to disagree. People are different! We are unique creations.

That's a voluminous write up. Btw, one has to be himself. Whether I read that or not, truth is that it's not gonna change who I am. Love stories bore me.

pretending2be wat u are not destroys relationship,because no matter how u pretend,d real u will show.Be yourself&be free.

Don't you people get tired of these endless rules and regulations?

Making sense
Really like this..