bellong: Divorce is not the solution sir. Nobody is irredeemable, it only requires conscious and consistent effort in correcting someone. If you divorce her, how sure are you that you wouldn't end up marrying the same calibre (if not worse) of woman since you failed to figure out that aspect of her during courtship.

If you are sure she is spending all her money on her relatives, why not talk to a respected member of the relative to speak sense to her in making her responsible to her children and some other pertinent issues that deserve her attention.

The above can only be done after exhausting communication option with your wife. Sit her down, make her see where she is deficient and how she can balance between helping her family and taking care of her home front. Most times, the reason why the other party seems not to cooperate is because we normally fail in presenting points in a convincing and appropriate way to the other party. You know and understand your wife, find a way of getting her involve in the discussion and buying into your idea. Sell your conviction to her and do not push it down her throat.

dayokanu: Women dont respond well to phrases like " Lost my Job" or I'm broke.

It brings allergies to them

regardless of what you have done in the past.

Im sure If Dangote becomes broke tomorrow one of his wives would call him a lazy man

TV01:
To make this work, OP will have to make some real changes and set expectations of same from Mrs OP. So communicating not just what he expects from her, but how they could both be better and enhance their family. And yes a third party may have to be involved. Counselling perhaps?

This is a high stakes one if they both can't or will not step up to meet this challenge.

TV

yellowpawpaw: Mr TV01,I hail u.
U gave an unbiased view. An action I guess begets an equal reaction.

Poster,we hv seen all that ur wife can do,what about all u hv been doing?
A woman that cares for her pple to me won't "look away" when her children r hungry.
Such wives exist anyway but......
In marriage,especially early marriage and courtship,sorry to say this but most men r so carried away by whatever that they cease to c and hear from within. A problem I bet that must hv started b4 marriage and early marriage and poster nurtured and watered it to grow,now he is cryin awolf. Had it been he handled it then,no need for this.
When u lost ur job,and u know ur kind of wifey,why open a shop for her and expect her to take care of the family from d proceed? An oversight,I guess.
Poster,what stopd u from using d money to establish somethin for ur self? Even very good wifey can turn bad when hubby is no longer capable. Another oversight.
There r lots of things to extract from ur write up and lots of kweshions to ask.
Have u bolted?


Let me ask u,is divorce amala and ewedu soup?

ileobatojo:

I agree that this story is a bit vague and there are many gaps but the part of her not contributing anything to her children's upkeep is the one that completely baffles me and sets me against the wife. I would have thought it wasn't true too but as I read this thread I remembered the poster recently who started a thread about his resentment for his mother as they never saw a dime of her's drop from her pocket, intact, she would take some out of the pocket money their dad assigned to them. So apparently, such women really exist.

[quote author=Ujujoan]

Not contributing towards her children's welfare doesn't necessarily make her a bad mum. As far as the kids don't lack anything, she might not see the need to contribute.

Remember that many women were raised to believe that financial needs of the kids are the sole responsibilities of a man, after all they are 'his children'. Where I come from, a man owns the children 100 and if the marriage goes south, the man takes them, no contest!

So women tend to believe that the man should take care of them [b]financially, 100%.[/b]

The truth is that we've only heard this posters side of the story. I don't think it's possible for a woman to spend her money on her relatives while her own kids starve . .

Even though my mum was a working woman, she never spent money on us. Everything was sponsored by dad . . . school fees, pocket money, clothing e.t.c. When you are broke, you don't call her, you call dad. And she was the best Mum anyone could have asked for.

That being said, I don't subscribe to that mentality. A man shouldn't have to shoulder all the financial responsibilities while madam is left with extra cash to throw around! It's just wrong . . .

ileobatojo: Yeah, I figured that may be the woman's upbringing/mentality so that's why she focuses on her own family but leaves the children to her husband. She simply doesn't see it as her responsibility in any way, shape or form. But the problem here as opposed to your experience is that the man lost his job and she still refuses to help. (though I wonder how the man is able to pay the bills without a job)

dayokanu: Women dont respond well to phrases like " Lost my Job" or I'm broke.

It brings allergies to them

regardless of what you have done in the past.

Im sure If Dangote becomes broke tomorrow one of his wives would call him a lazy man

Kanwulia: So, how does a divorce solve your problem? You will still get to do IT ALL minus the nagging. . . .!
Once you get divorced, you compound your problems with the unfortunate children who have to be left with an IRRESPONSIBLE, CANTANKEROUS mother. . . WHO IS PROLLY DEMENTED WITH FRUSTRATION!

YOU ARE ONLY GONNA TRADE SIMPLE PROBLEMS FOR MORE COMPLEX ONES! BECAUSE THERE ARE CHILDREN INVOLVED!!!!

You are stuck. . .!
Instead of thinking about yourself. . .start thinking about your child/children FIRST!
The welfare and happiness of THE CHILD OR CHILDREN WHO DID NOT ASK TO BE BORN INTO THIS WORLD BY EITHER OF YOU SHOULD COME FIRST!

Period!

Princess zoe: OP, if you are telling me that she nags , i will believe you. If you tell me that she disrepects you, i will agree. If you tell me that she does not value you or have feelings for you again, i will definitely believe you but for you to say that she does not feed her children or take care of them as a mother would do even in the midst of your predicament, i will not believe that. A bad mother is far more better than a bad father and this is a proverb(wise saying). I disagree that a rich woman whose husband does not work nor do business will not take care of her own children. Unless i see or hear that from her presentation. I know very well that when husband and wife are quarreling, they will be exaggrating their points or even lying against each other to draw supports for themselves. Except if your wife comes here to paste the same story, only then, will i believe this. But if its actually true that you don't have a job or even a business but she has boutique and still refuses to even take care of her own children that she carried for nine months, then is not normal. Spiritual powers may be at work here. Something is completely wrong somewhere. OP you are to engage God to assist you. Please this is not normal. And you are the target here so if you divorce her and move over to another woman, you may be signing your death warrant or sponsouring your own failure and heaven too maybe against you because divorce is only approved on the ground of infidelity which you can still forgive. I bet you is not going to be funny for you at all. This woman may be your heaven appointed wife and devil wants to use some people to push you into wrong decision which you will regret later on. You should seek solution to rekindle the fire of "life" in your marriage and not seek divorce. Involve God and let Him take over for the bible says "i will fight your battle and you will hold your peace". When God takes control of this issue, your lost glory, lost peace in your marriage, job and your finances, must be recovered and restored, just involve God. Don't try it, just do it. Get God involved now.

Ujujoan:

Not contributing towards her children's welfare doesn't necessarily make her a bad mum. As far as the kids don't lack anything, she might not see the need to contribute.

Remember that many women were raised to believe that financial needs of the kids are the sole responsibilities of a man, after all they are 'his children'. Where I come from, a man owns the children 100 and if the marriage goes south, the man takes them, no contest!

So women tend to believe that the man should take care of them financially, 100%.

The truth is that we've only heard this posters side of the story. I don't think it's possible for a woman to spend her money on her relatives while her own kids starve . .

Even though my mum was a working woman, she never spent money on us. Everything was sponsored by dad . . . feeding, school fees, pocket money, clothing e.t.c. When you are broke, you don't call her, you call dad. And she was the best Mum anyone could have asked for.

That being said, I don't subscribe to that mentality. A man shouldn't have to shoulder all the financial responsibilities while madam is left with extra cash to throw around! It's just wrong . . .

modupsie: they are lots of women like this out there. i beg to differ from ur opinion that its a spiritual thing. when a woman is self centered its a character or attitude that can hardly be changed. my mum is one of such, while growing up my dad pays for everything up to salt and water. our school fees, bags and even socks.My dad was just a school principal while my mum had a good business but whenever we go to my mum for anything, her reply wud be "is ur father dead"? and so we av to go back to him for everything. we are grown now and doing very well but each time i give anything to my mum cos unfortunately my sweet dad is late i always tell her you did not deserve this gesture, the man that paid for all deserves much more. so its just for the op to pray and may be talk to her cos my dad did all these but it did not work. he died a sad man and always advise us to be careful in making marital decisions

bellong:

The bolded is the sole essence of communication in this situation. As he expresses his grievances, the wife does the same and they find a balance/compromise in resolving the issues to move forward.

taryour: Oga o. Some women can be so silly and heartless. Those family she is spending on,when issues arise you see them removing themselves one after the other. Op hope you have gotten another job? If yes please find a means of getting her out of that shop,lock it up and let her have access to getting in there,what rubbish If the means of getting money to spend is being cut she will regain her senses. Or simply covert the shop to another avenue of raising money for yourself and your kids.

A woman that doesn't take her hubby and kids as her number one priority is not a wife. Shebi na the boutique and the money from it that's making her feel like a champion. Cut her wings and let's see her fly.

modupsie: they are lots of women like this out there. i beg to differ from ur opinion that its a spiritual thing. when a woman is self centered its a character or attitude that can hardly be changed. my mum is one of such, while growing up my dad pays for everything up to salt and water. our school fees, bags and even socks.My dad was just a school principal while my mum had a good business but whenever we go to my mum for anything, her reply wud be "is ur father dead"? and so we av to go back to him for everything. we are grown now and doing very well but each time i give anything to my mum cos unfortunately my sweet dad is late i always tell her you did not deserve this gesture, the man that paid for all deserves much more. so its just for the op to pray and may be talk to her cos my dad did all these but it did not work. he died a sad man and always advise us to be careful in making marital decisions

modupsie: they are lots of women like this out there. i beg to differ from ur opinion that its a spiritual thing. when a woman is self centered its a character or attitude that can hardly be changed. my mum is one of such, while growing up my dad pays for everything up to salt and water. our school fees, bags and even socks.My dad was just a school principal while my mum had a good business but whenever we go to my mum for anything, her reply wud be "is ur father dead"? and so we av to go back to him for everything. we are grown now and doing very well but each time i give anything to my mum cos unfortunately my sweet dad is late i always tell her you did not deserve this gesture, the man that paid for all deserves much more. so its just for the op to pray and may be talk to her cos my dad did all these but it did not work. he died a sad man and always advise us to be careful in making marital decisions

Ujujoan:
I'm really sorry about your dad . . . but it's obvious your parents marriage had a lot of problems which must have manifested in your mum's attitude.

It's a pity!

coogar:

how did you come to this conclusion?
is it not obvious she had a self-centred mother who would rather buy jewelries or expensive dishes instead of contributing to the welfare of her kids?

if i have a mother like hers, she won't get one penny from me.