ONLY THE DIRTY MINDS WILL GET IT.

A mother taught her son, Steven, to go to the bathroom by the numbers.

1. Open your fly.
2. Take out your equipment.
3. Pull back the skin.
4. Do your business.
5. Let the skin forward.
6. Stow your equipment.
7. Close your fly…………….

She checked on him often to make sure he had learned his lesson,
and each time heard him through the outhouse door saying, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7."

She was pleased with his progress until that day when she passed the bathroom door
and heard little Steven saying,

"3-5, 3-5, 3-5.". LOL

lol

njuwo: I just Noticed that Life is too short to
commit suicide cuz In the year 2002 nokia
3310 was
N75k with N40k econet sim card,
but today its N700 and the sim is free..
In 2003 samsung c100 was N48k and I
must recharge with atleast N1500 airtime
every... two weeks or else my sim will be
blocked. today its N800 and I dont even
need to recharge to retain my sim
{customers are needed}...
In 2004 sendo x with camera and 16mb
memory card {one of the cheapest mp3
enabled phoneback den}was N39k today
its free...
In 2006 sagem my v55 was N30k today
its going for N300...
2008 nko blackberry bold 2
was N135k today blackberry is no more
producing new bold 2... so London used na
N15k.. U can get 9ja used for N6k...
So my friend, if u neva dey use blackberry
porch, htc smart phones, android, ipad,
iphone, playbook or nokia 808, pls, dnt
worry.
Just wait and see, coz before 2015 our
children will be using them as
toys....*smiles
#......Be Patient.
Dis makes me wonder why sum girls go
crazy simply coz of material tins.
U want a bold 5,
U want brazilian hair,
U want LV bag, but remember, Beatles was
d richest car in 1980'z.....THIN K!!!
See d kinda of depreciation it experienced
within short period.
BEAUTY FADES! WEALTH can also be
ERASED.
Jux work hard, Hav a good character and Be
loyal to ur feelings!!!,and lastly rem dos wit d
bests
cars 2day once wlkd on foot,calm down n
Give God ur
time,for only Him can mk............. ........
Time shall favour u.
Can i hear ur Amen??

Amen!!!

Akpos escaped from Yaba Left Psychiatric Hospital.

When he got home, he called the Psychiatric Hospital on phone and asked; Is there any one in Room 8 in Ward 1?

The Receptionist on phone replied; Just a minute sir hold on let me check.

A while later the Receptionist came back on the phone and said; There is no one sir.

Akpos exclaimed; Wow! Okay my dear.

The Receptionist said; But why did you asked sir?.

Akpos replied; I want to be sure if i have escaped.

Akpos wanted to poison the rats in his house.

He went to a man selling rat poison and said; I want to buy rat poison.

The man said; Customer you are welcome.

Akpos asked; Is your rat poison working perfectly?.

The man replied; Yes it is working perfectly.

Akpos asked; Are you sure?.

The man said; Okay come and taste it to confirm weather it is working or not.

Akpos said; Okay give me a little.

Akpos tasted it and......

A Nigerian Tourist Akpos went on a trip to
China.
While in China, Akpos was sexually
promiscuous and didn't use condom at all.
A week after arriving back home, he woke
up one morning to find his penis covered
with bright green and purple spots.
In shock, he rushed to see a consultant at
the National Hospital Abuja.
The doctor, never having seen anything like
that before, ordered some tests and told
Akpos to come back in two days for the
results.
Akpos returned, the doctor said;
I've got bad news for you. You've
contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and
almost unheard of here. We know very little
about it.
Akpos looked a little perplexed and said;
Well, give me a shot or something and fix
me up, doc.
The doctor replied; I'm sorry, there's no
known cure. We have to amputate your
penis.
Akpos screamed in horror, AMPU! WHAT? I
want a second opinion
please doc.
The doctor replied; Well, it's your choice. Go
ahead if you want,
but surgery is your only choice.
The next day, Akpos seeked out a Chinese
doctor, figuring that he'll know more about
the disease.
The Chinese doctor examined his penis and
proclaimed: Aha, yes, Mongolian VD. Very
lare disease".
Akpos said; Yes, yes, I already know that,
but what can we do? My doctor wants to
operate and
amputate my penis?.
The Chinese doctor shaked his head and
laughed: Silly docta, always want to opelate.
Make
more money, that way. No need to opelate.
"Oh, Thank God!", Akpos replied in relief.
"Yes", said the Chinese doctor, "You no
worry! Wait another couple of weeks. Penis
fall off by itself!.
Akpos fainted!.

Police Men were chasing a thief Akpos that escaped from prison at night.

Akpos ran into a nearby cemetry, stripped naked and sat on a grave.

When the police got there, they asked; Did you see anybody that ran pass you?.

Akpos replied; No. I'm a visitor. I was buried yesterday. The heat is too much inside my grave. I came outside to receive fresh air.

The police men took to their heels.

funny jokes

Teacher said; Today's topic is "irony".

She continued; Irony is the expression of one's meaning by using language that normally signifies the opposite, typically for humourous or emphatic effect. E.g; Men can solve the problem of a woman but they are still the only problem a woman has. Can i have more examples?.

Ochuko said; Akpos is the best footballer of the year but he cannot score a goal.

Teacher asked; Why did you use Akpos name in the sentence?. Okay Akpos give us your own example and also use ochuko's name in your sentence.

Akpos said; Ochuko is the most intelligent student in the class but he cannot spell his name.

Pure water iz #10 in ma area.

Ochuko and Akpos were fighting on the street.

A man saw them from afar and rushed down to separate them.

They stopped and started staring at the man.

Ochuko turned to Akpos and said; Akpos you see. I told you.

Akpos apologised to Ochuko.

The man asked, what was the matter.

Akpos explained; Sir, we saw you coming from afar. Ochuko said you are ugly, you are ugly. I said you are handsome and we started fighting but thank God you came, i can now see that Ochuko is right, the difference is clear.

The man shouted; How dare you insult me. I need to see your parents.

Akpos replied; No sir. You need to see your mirror.

One word for Akpos.

Akpos' Dad bought a Range Rover Sport Car.

Akpos' Elder Brother struck a deal with Akpos.

He told Akpos to call him on phone when nobody is at home so that he'll come and take the car out to show off to his friends.

When nobody was at home Akpos called him on phone; Hello Bros Rukevwe nobody is at home. You can come and take Daddy's car out.

The elder brother said okay.

And rushed back home from where he was.

He got home and was shocked to see the gate locked.

He called Akpos on phone; Hello Akpos, i am now at home to take the car out as planned. Why is the gate locked?.

Akpos replied; Bros Rukevwe were you not the one that told me to call you to come and take the car out when nobody is at home. Mummy and Daddy are not at home. I am not at home too.

4 friends met 30 years after school.

One went to the toilet, while the other three were discussing about how successful their sons became.

The 1st man said his son studied economics, became a banker and he's so rich and he gave his best friend a Ferrari.

The 2nd man said his son became a pilot, started his own airline, became so rich and gave his best friend a jet.

The 3rd man said his son became an engineer, started his own development company, became so rich and built his best friend a castle.

The 4th man came back from the toilet and asked what they were talking about.

They told him they were talking about how successful their sons became and asked him about his son.

He said his son is GAY and he's a stripper at a gay bar.

The 3 friends said he must be very disappointed with his son for not becoming successful.

Oh no, said the father, he is doing good, Last week was his birthday and he got a Ferrari, a jet and a castle from 3 of his boyfriends.

Akpos was walking on the street and saw a
beautiful Bugatti parked on the side way.
He stopped for a minute to stare and
admire it.
Just then he saw a Beautiful Lady coming
down the road.
He quickly moved near the car and
pretended it was his ride.
He kicked a bit in the front tyre and sat by
the door.
He could see her staring at him,
sure enough she had fallen for him already,
he thought.
She started coming towards him.
He composed himself and faked a call to his
mechanic while leaning on the door.
Just then, she reached and said; Excuse
me!".
Akpos pretended he didn't hear her as he
flew big amounts of money for spare parts.
After a minute she again said;
Excuse me!".
Akpos lowered his phone and said; Just a
second sweetheart, let me just make my last
order.
He then continued on the phone.
As Akpos moved away from the door, at
this moment he was sure she had fallen for
him, he could tell from her impatience.
Then just as he moved from the door.
.
.
She opened her handbag, removed the car
keys, opened the door, entered and drove
off.

Akpos came back home in the morning.

His Wife asked; Where have you been? Where did you sleep?.

Akpos replied; At my friend's place, there's a funeral. He lost his sister.

The Wife said; Okay. You can go and eat your food. I'm going to take my bath.

After bathing.

Akpos' Wife said; I'm going out!.

Akpos asked; Where are you going?.

She replied; To the funeral at your friend's place, to check how they are doing since the loss of their sister.

Akpos became afraid and said; Honey, they called the time you were bathing and told me she rose from the dead.

Ochuko was busy sharing food and drinks to the people that attended his mother's burial.

But he Ignored his friend Akpos.

He did not serve Akpos food and drink.

Akpos was very hungry.

With annoyance he stood up and said; Ochuko, remember that my Mother will soon die.

Akpos was making love to a village girl.

She realised he was not using a condom and asked; You are not using a condom?.

Akpos replied; Yes.

She said; Hope you don't have HIV/AIDS.

Akpos said; No.

The village girl said; Thank God. I don't want to get that thing again.

A young girl was shouting and praying that God should help her with 2,000 Naira. That's all she needed.

At the same time, a man Akpos at the back of the church was quietly asking God to help him with 50 Million Naira.

The young girl was getting louder shouting, jumping and begging that God should please help her with 2,000 Naira.

Akpos went to her and asked; Is it only you God will hear? What's your problem?.

The girl replied that she needed the 2,000 Naira badly.

Akpos hissed, brought out 2,000 Naira from his pocket and said; Take this and be quiet so that God can concentrate!.

A movie producer was using someone's house to shoot a movie.

They needed someone to act the role of a GateMan.

The HouseBoy of the house Akpos was offered some money to act the role.

The director gave Akpos a brand new cutlass and told him to give a pretense chase behind the star actor who was acting the role of a thief.

The Director said; If you hear me say "action" you should run after him, just do as I say. Did you hear me?.

Akpos nodded in affirmation.

The Director shouted; "Action".

The star actor took off.

Akpos started chasing him round the compound.

When they got to the fence, the director shouted; "Cut, cut, cut".

The star actor's head started rolling on the floor.

A pilot on an airplane said; Ladies and Gentlemen, the plane is losing altitude. All the baggage must be thrown out.

A while later, the pilot said; We are still losing altitude. We must throw out everything that is in the cabin.

The plane continued to descend despite more things being thrown out.

The pilot said; We are still going down, we must throw out some people.

There was a big gasp from the passengers.

The pilot continued; But to make this fair, passengers will be thrown out in alphabetical order, So A... any Africans on board?.

Nobody moved.

The pilot said; B... any Blacks on board?.

Nobody moved.

The pilot said; C... any coloureds on board?.

Still, nobody moved.

The pilot said; D... any Darkies?.

A Nigerian little black boy asked his dad; Daddy, what are we?.

The Dad said; My son, tonight, we are zombies.

An angry wife to her husband Akpos on phone.

Wife: Where the hell are you?

Akpos: Honey, you remember that gold shop where you saw a diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it?

Wife (relaxed): Yes, my love.

Akpos: Remember I had no cash to buy it for you that day and i said i will buy it for you one day?

Wife (Totally relaxed with a smile and a blush): Yes I remember my love!

Akpos: Good, I am in a beer parlour next to that shop.

A Yahoo Boy Akpos was chatting with a White Man online.

Akpos: Hi!

White Man: Hello!

Akpos: Good, you?.

White Man: Yes. I'm John Robert the manager of roster mining company.

Akpos: Wow! You are a big man indeed mehn.

White Man: *Smiles*.

Akpos: I'm Daniel White from the republic of Burundi in U.S.A. I work in an international company.

Two donkeys were walking down the road in Jerusalem.

One of the donkeys said; Yesterday i was carrying Jesus on my back, people were hailing me and screaming. People even kept their clothes for me to walk on. But today, no one even recognises me.

The second donkey smiled and said; Hmmmmm! Don't you know that you are nothing without Jesus?.

A husband Akpos and his wife were having
dinner at an expensive restaurant in Victoria
Island when a stunning young woman came
over to their
table.
Without blinking an eye, the woman gave
Akpos a kiss on the lips and said; I will see
you later."
The wife stared at her blushing husband
Akpos and at the woman walking away.
Then she asked; What was that? Who was
that?.
"Oh," replied Akpos with a glitter in his eyes,
"she's my mistress."
"Well, that's it," said the wife. "I've had
enough. I want a divorce!"
I see. Alright then," replied Akpos. "But
remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no
more shopping trips to Paris, no more winter
in the Swiss Alps, no more summers in New
York City, no more Bentley and Rolls Royce in
the garage and no more private jet for quick
getaways. But the decision is yours."
They stay quiet for a while.
Minutes Later, a neighbour of theirs entered
the restaurant with a gorgeous girl in his
arm.
"Who's that woman with Ochuko?" asked the
wife.
"That's his mistress," said Akpos.
The wife pauses for a moment and then said;
"Ours is prettier."

Jane was called by an Unknown number.

Unknown: Hi, do you have a boyfriend?

Jane: Yeah.

Unknown: So you have a boyfriend. I'm your dad Akpos. I'm coming so that you'll tell me when you grew horns.

The Next five minutes later. Another unknown caller called.

Unknown: Hi, do you have a boyfriend?

Jane: No.

Unknown: I see. You don't love me. I'm your boyfriend.

Jane: Oh honey, I love you. I thought it was my stupid Dad.

Unknown: It's not your boyfriend. It's still me, your Dad Akpos. Just wanted to confirm if you really have one. Wait for me! I'm on my way!.

Girl: I hate my boyfriend!

Akpos: Why?

Girl: He is so cheap he can't even buy me a simple dinner, are all boys like that?.

Akpos: Of course not, I'm not like that.

Girl: I'm going to break up with him.

Akpos: Okay but know I'm available.

[Girl stands to leave]

Akpos: Wait, where are you going?.

Girl: To break up with my boyfriend of course.

Akpos: You can't leave.

Girl: Why?.

Akpos: Who is going to pay for the lunch we just had?.

njuwo: Ochuko was busy sharing food and drinks to the people that attended his mother's burial.

But he Ignored his friend Akpos.

He did not serve Akpos food and drink.

Akpos was very hungry.

With annoyance he stood up and said; Ochuko, remember that my Mother will soon die.

lol. silly man. that means when she dies i wont feed yu too

Akpos got home early from work and heard strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushed upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he asked.

"I'm having a heart attack," cried the woman.

He rushed downstairs to grab the phone for ambulance, but just as he's dialing, his 4- year-old son came up and said; "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Paulinus is hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

Akpos slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.

Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, covering on the closet floor.

"You idiot!" Akpos said, "My wife is having a heart attack and you are running around naked scaring the kids!"

nice work bro

Telephone Conversation Between Girls:
Jane: Hello Love!
Helen: Hello babe how are you today?
Jane: I'm fine dear, I've missed you a lot.
Helen: Me too.
Jane: I am calling just to inform you that I
will pay you a visit this
afternoon.
Helen: Okay my dear, it'll be great fun
having you here. I will be
expecting you sweetheart.
After Dropping The Call:
Jane: So i'm going to visit that prostitute
again. For her mind o. *Hisses*.
Helen: This witch is coming here again, she
think i will buy her drinks with my money.
hahaha she will old.
Telephone Conversation Between Boys:
Ofego: Bastard how are you doing?.
Akpos: Mad man i'm fine! How about that
your drunken master father?.
Ofego: Hahahahaha! He's fine. What of your
crazy brother?.
Akpos: Hahaha. Wizard everybody is fine.
Are you at home? I want to come and
charge my phone in your house.
Ofego: Okay. No problem. Come along with
money let's drink.
Akpos: Idiot like you. It's beer that will kill
you. We'll see later.
After Dropping The Call:
Ofego: That's Akpos my man. He can be
funny at times but he's always a great
companion
anytime, anyday.
Akpos: Ofego is just a reliable friend. I too
love that guy.

Telephone Conversation Between Girls:
Jane: Hello Love!
Helen: Hello babe how are you today?
Jane: I'm fine dear, I've missed you a lot.
Helen: Me too.
Jane: I am calling just to inform you that I
will pay you a visit this
afternoon.
Helen: Okay my dear, it'll be great fun
having you here. I will be
expecting you sweetheart.
After Dropping The Call:
Jane: So i'm going to visit that prostitute
again. For her mind o. *Hisses*.
Helen: This witch is coming here again, she
think i will buy her drinks with my money.
hahaha she will old.
Telephone Conversation Between Boys:
Ofego: Bastard how are you doing?.
Akpos: Mad man i'm fine! How about that
your drunken master father?.
Ofego: Hahahahaha! He's fine. What of your
crazy brother?.
Akpos: Hahaha. Wizard everybody is fine.
Are you at home? I want to come and
charge my phone in your house.
Ofego: Okay. No problem. Come along with
money let's drink.
Akpos: Idiot like you. It's beer that will kill
you. We'll see later.
After Dropping The Call:
Ofego: That's Akpos my man. He can be
funny at times but he's always a great
companion
anytime, anyday.
Akpos: Ofego is just a reliable friend. I too
love that guy.

Doctor: You need to take 10 cups of water everyday for your throat to get well.

Akpos: Its not possible.

Doctor: Why do you say so?

Akpos: Because I have only 4 cups at home.