A kidnapper kidnapped my neighbour's wife and cuts her finger and sent it to her husband demanding for money. The husband said, ''I want more proof, send me her head now!.

After a few announcements in church that sunday, our pastor slowly stood up, walked up to the pulpit, and before he gave his sermon for the program, he briefly introduced a guest speaker. In the introduction, pastor told us that the guest speaker was one of his dearest childhood friends and that he wanted him to have a few moments to greet us and share whatever he felt would be appropriate for the service. with that, an elderly man stepped up to the pulpit and began to speak saying, "A father, his son, and a friend of his son were sailing off the atlantic ocean, when a fast approaching storm blocked any attempt to get back to the shore. The waves were so high, that even though the father was an experienced sailor, he could not keep the boat upright and the three were swept into the ocean as the boat capsized." The old man hesitated for a moment, making eye contact with me and my friend who were, for the first time since the service began, looking somewhat interested in his story. The aged minister continued with his story, "Grabbing a rescue line, the father had to make the most excruciating decision of his life, to which boy he would throw the other end of the life line to. He only had seconds to make the decision. The father knew that his son was a christian and he also knew that his son's friend was not. The agony of his decision could not be matched by the torrent of waves. as the father yelled out, "I love you son!" He threw out the life line to his son's friend. By the time the father had pulled the friend back to the capsized boat, his son had disappeared beneath the raging swells into the dead of the waves. His body was never found. By this time, me and my friend were sitting up straight in our chairs which was near each other, and we were anxiously waiting for the next words to come out of the old minister's mouth. "The father," He continued, "Knew his son would step into eternity with Jesus and he could not bear the thought of his son's friend stepping into an eternity without Jesus. Therefore, he sacrificed his son to save the son's friend. How great is the love of God that he should do the same for us. Our Heavenly Father sacrificed his only begotten son that we could be saved. I urge you to accept his offer to rescue you and take a hold of the life line he is throwing out to you in this service.". . . . With that, the old man turned and sat back down in his chair as silence filled the church. Our pastor again, walked slowly to the pulpit and delivered a brief sermon with an invitation for repentance at the end. However, no one responded to the appeal. Within minutes after the service was over, my friend and I were at the old man's side. "That was a nice story," politely stated my friend, "But I don't think it was very realistic for a father to give up his only son's life in hopes that the other boy would become a christian." "Well, you have a point there," The old man replied. Glancing down at his big bible. A big smile broadened his narrow face, he once again looked up at us and said, "Sure, It is not very realistic, is it? But I am standing here today to tell you that story gives me a glimpse of what it must have been like for God to give up his son for me. You see, I was that father and your pastor is my son's friend."

I went to First Bank a day before yesterday to get my Bank Verification Number (BVN). The door rejected me times without number. I got so frustrated, even after taking off my shoes. I took off my belt, ring, wrist-watch, necklace, also took off my shirt which has metal buttons. The bank door still refused me to enter. The bank security man then told me to open my mouth. I opened it. The next thing he said was, "Eeeyaaaa!!!! Sorry sir, this your teeth are too strong and looks like iron, you can't enter any bank with them".

As I was going to visit a friend, I saw my neighbour's little child at the beginning of the street holding two ten naira notes, and crying. I asked him, ''Junior, what is the matter?''. He replied, ''My mummy gave me two ten naira notes to buy one sugar and one loya milk and now I don't know which note is for sugar and which note is for loya milk.''

I was passing by a cemetery and heard a man who was kneeling at a grave crying out loudly, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?''.

I was so moved by the man's obvious pain that I walked down to him and lightly placed a comforting hand on his shoulder and asked him, "Is this your wife?".

"No!", the weeping man replied, "It is her first husband!".

You just came back from work to see six rats!

The first rat is eating your BSc Certificate.

The second rat is eating your National Youth Service Corps Certificate.

The third rat is eating your Marriage Certificate.

The fourth rat is eating your land and house documents.

The fifth rat is eating your Visa to travel for a multi-billion dollar contract.

The sixth rat is eating your Bible.

Just be sincere. Which one will you stop first?

When I was a child, I used to stand by the road with friends and choose cars. I eat food from magazines. I try and step on my shadow or be ahead of it in the sun when it is behind me. I believed that I had died in 1945 World War 2 and was born again. I always felt the trees and grasses inside the bush were running if I am in a moving car. I check inside the radio to see the person talking or singing. I jump a moving car's shadow so it won't hit me. I think pictures hanged on the wall always stare at me. If I watched a movie and I wasn't satisfied with the ending, I'll just rewrite the script in my head or dream. I thought to appear on TV, one had to go through a process to become small to fit in a TV box. I expose my teeth in the sun just to get it white. I pretend I am sick so that I can miss school. I am always happy when government declares a strike so that I won't go to school. I would kiss the television screen when I see beautiful girls on TV. I try to force my hand in a bottle to feel the inside. When I took the 31st position in class out of 35, I will cancel the 3 and leave the 1. I put pillow on my belly telling people I'm pregnant. I back slippers or sticks as a baby and breastfeed them. Whenever I urinate on the bed, I will draw my sister to my side and sleep on her own side. I usually hit the television set feeling I'm hitting the actors.

Our last-born frowns at morning prayers because mummy always ask him to lead us in chorus. This morning, when he started chorus with an unfamiliar song, mummy told him to start with our normal opening song, "Good morning Jesus, good morning Lord." He got angry and said, "Mummy, if it is midnight in London right now, and afternoon in India right now, how are you sure we are not sending the wrong greetings to Heaven?".

I saw a poster inviting interested individuals to be present in a certain compound for a traditional marriage scene of a Nollywood movie. The idea of getting money from this came upon me. My mind ministered to me that there will be a lot of spraying of money that day. So I went to a shoemaker and told him, "Please design a shoe that can magnet money for me?". The shoemaker smiled and said, ''It will cost you just 2,000 Naira". I paid him and left. On the supposed day, I appeared at the scene with my magnetic shoe. Not quite long, some group of men acting as multi-millionaires stood up and started spraying dollars on the couple. As I saw the dollars descending, I used style to match the first dollar, but it didn't magnet. I changed position and matched another one. But it didn't magnet. I became frustrated and was matching and matching, it wasn't working. As I looked to my left, I saw the shoemaker matching the dollars codedly and they were magneting onto his shoes. I cried, "You duped me!". He replied in a low tone, "Were you the only one that saw the poster?".

I was walking down the street yesterday afternoon when I noticed a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, I moved closer to the boy's position. I stepped smartly across the street, walked up behind the little boy and, placing my hand gently on the child's shoulder, I leaned over and gave the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child's level, I smiled benevolently and asked, ''And now what, little boy?''. The boy replied, ''Now we run!''.

I walked into an electrical store and asked for the price of a 25 inches remote controlled colour television. “Twenty Naira,” the shopkeeper replied. “You must be joking.” I exclaimed. “Look, do you want it or not?”. The shopkeeper asked. I paid him. On my way out with my incredible purchase, I saw a big refridgerator with automatic ice-maker. “How much for that one?” I asked the shopkeeper. “Five Naira,” He replied. I asked full of surprise, “What is going on here?” “Nothing is going on here,” the shopkeeper replied. “My boss is at my house with my wife. And what he is doing to her, I am doing to his business.”

I tried so hard at laughing at these jokes but it's not just working . So am out

My uncle and his wife had a son who was still living with them. They were a little worried, as the son had no career plans, so they decided to do a small test. They took a 1,000 Naira note, a bible and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the sitting room table. Then they hid, pretending they were not at home. The test was this; If the son took the money, he would become a businessman, if he took the bible, he would become a pastor, but if he took the bottle of whiskey, he would become a drunkard. So his parents hid in the visitors toilet close to the sitting room and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole, they saw their son arrive and read the note they had left him. Then, he took the 1,000 Naira note, looked at it, and put it in his pocket. After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it. Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative quantity to check the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all the three items. His dad slapped his forehead and said, "Oh my God, it is even worse than I could ever have imagined. Our son is going to become a politician!".

My neighbour's child walked up to her mother and stared at her hair. As her mother was washing the plates, the little girl innocently asked, "Mummy, why do you have some gray hair in your hair?". The mother paused and looked at her daughter and said, "Every time you disobey, I get one gray hair. If you want me to stay pretty, you better obey."
The mother quickly returned to her task of washing the plates. The little girl stood there thinking. "Mummy!" She innocently called again. "Yes?" Her Mother replied. "Why is Grandma's hair all gray?".

When my uncle and I arrived at the mechanic shop to pick up his car after it has been serviced, we were told the keys had been locked inside it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was not locked. '‘Heys,'' I announced to the mechanic, ''It is open o!''. He replied, ''I know! I already did that side.''

Our last-born who is in primary school looked so sad in class one day, so his teacher asked. “What is the problem Zino? I hope it is not home work again.” “Yes, it is,” Zino replied, “I was stupid and made my home work paper into a paper aeroplane.” “Zino, you are correct, that was a very stupid thing to do,” The teacher said, “But I will let you just unfold the paper and submit it.” “Oh, but that won’t work.” Zino said, looking sadder, “The plane was hijacked."

That moment you take out your last 1000 Naira note on you for the month to get foodstuffs only to discover that rat had chopped off Dr. Clement Isong's head. That moment you spend 1.5 Million Naira on your wedding and you moved to the dance floor with your newly wedded wife only to see people spraying you 5 Naira notes. That moment you are so broke and your uncle sent you your school fees of 40,000 Naira in order to write exams that morning but on getting to the bank, bank charges had already been deducted leaving you with 39,930 Naira. That moment you are about to kill a snake in your room and NEPA takes light. That moment you are in a traffic jam in your car looking good on your shirt worth 25,000 Naira. Then you notice a Gala seller rushing towards you on the same shirt.

I walked into a bar and approached the bar man, "Can I have a drink of Less, please?" "I'm sorry sir," the bar man replied, looking slightly puzzled, "I have not come across that one before o. Is it a beer?". He asked. "I think so," I replied, "I went to see my doctor yesterday and he said I should "drink Less".

njuwo:
I went to a cinema with Akpos, on getting to
the cinema we saw a bald guy, I showed the
guy to Akpos and said "Look at fresh head,
this one is good to slap, but I'm afraid of the
guy's face".
Akpos then said to me "Ofego, you fear a lot,I
will slap that head and nothing will happen".
I dared him to do it and he went to where
the guy was sitting and gave him a HOT SLAP
on his head. The guy was surprised, and
wanted to react, then Akpos said "Bros
Ofego, so you are here, and we have been
looking for you at home!"
The guy responded "I'm not Bros Ofego,
maybe we look alike", Akpos murmured
"maybe."
After some minutes In the cinema, Akpos
called me again and said "Ofego, I will slap
that guy again and nothing will happen." I
answered "ok"
He went to the guy, gave him a hot slap and
said "Bros Ofego stop lying, I say na u be
dis..."
The guy said to him angrily "I'm not Bros
Ofego,please, let me be". The guy then left
that seat and went to the front seat.
After some minutes Akpos called me and said
"Ofego, I will slap that guy again and nothing
will happen."
This time i told him that "if anything happens,
I will pretend I don'tknow him."
He stood up, went to the front seat, gave the
guy a very hot slap and said"Bros Ofego, so
na here you dey, I come dey slap another
person for back!"

Lol..

American Men: They have one wife, one girlfriend. But they Love their girlfriend most.

Chinese Men: They have one wife, one girlfriend. But they Love their wife most.

London Men: They have one wife, no girlfriend. They Love their pet dogs, cats and rats most.

Colombian Men: They have one wife, many girlfriends. They Love their business most.

Nigerian Men: They have one wife, many girlfriends. They love their mothers most.

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his Okada. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Heys, Doctor, can I ask you a question?". The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "Doctor, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix them, put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small payment and you get big payment, when you and I are doing basically the same job?". The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."

A highly dangerous virus called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK) is currently going around. If you come in contact with this WORK virus, you should immediately go to the nearest Biological Anxiety Relief (BAR) center to take antidotes known as Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE), Radioactive Unwork Medicine (RUM), Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER) or Vaccine Official Depression Killing Antigen (VODKA). Spread this awareness.

When your husband orders you to make tea or coffee, he wants to feel fresh to listen to your nonstop talks. Love him if he looks at all the beautiful females, he is just checking that you are still the best. Love him if he criticizes your cooking, he still improving his taste. Love him if he snores at night and disturbs your sleep, he is trying to prove that he is the most relaxed person after being married to you. Love him if he forgets to give you a gift on your birthday, he is saving money for your future. Love him because you don't have a choice.

Class Teacher: Where do christians worship?

Boy: Christians worship in the church.

Class Teacher: Take this cane, give the class three, three strokes of the cane.

The boy did so.

Class Teacher: Where do muslims worship?

Girl (A Stammerer) Muslims worship in the "mo - mo... mo-mo".

The Teacher impatiently said, "Take this cane give them ten, ten, strokes of the cane. (The girl did so).

Teacher: Now tell them the answer.

The Girl (stammered again) mo...mo...mo..."mortuary".

It was testimony time in church and my daddy was the first person to run out when the pastor asked those who have testimony to come out and share. My daddy started, "My testimony goes like this, two weeks ago, I was in a vehicle going to Lagos to see my uncle. Thirty minutes into the journey, I fell asleep and was woken up by screams from other passengers. The car had veered off the road and was tumbling down a steep with passengers and cargoes falling off from the windows and the trunk of the car. Suddenly, there was a loud explosion and the bonnet went up in flames. After a few seconds the car landed on a tree and started swinging back and forth. That was when I realised that I was the only one left in the car. I hurriedly jumped down from the tree before the whole car went up in flames. I looked myself over and there was no single mark on my body but for the back of my shirt that was torn from the collar down. I was still inspecting the shirt when I heard a scream from my son, "Papa, won't you wake up from sleep, are you not going to work today?".

After being with her all evening, I could not take another minute with my blind date. Earlier, I had secretly arranged with a friend to call me on phone telling me something bad that just happened so that I would have an excuse to run. When I returned to the table, I lowered my eyes, put on a grim expression and said, ''I just received a bad news, Josephine. My great grandfather just died''.
''Wow, thank God!'', My date replied, ''Because if your own had not died, mine would have had to die.''

A man walked into a private hospital wearing mask and holding a gun. He took up a nurse and urged her to open the sperm bank vault. She complained, "But, it is a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" The man screamed with all seriousness. She opened the door to the vault and
inside are all the sperm samples. The man said, "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!". She looked at him, "But they are sperm samples". "Do it!". He screamed. So the nurse drank it. "That one there, drink that one too." The man said. The nurse drank it too. Finally, after she had gulped down four samples down her throat the man removed his mask from his face and said, "My dear wife, you see, it is not hard to do na.''

You go to night club and pay 5,000 Naira for gate fee, you come church and drop 20 Naira for offering as if God is Nigerian police. You have a bungalow in hell. You give a prostitute that spent one night in your house 20,000 Naira and give your boo boo that cleaned, swept and washed your clothes for a week 1,000 Naira. You have four bedroom flat in Devil's estate in hell. You wear a mini-skirt to church and sit in the front chair to confuse Man of God every sunday. You are a shareholder in hell. You always go to church just to look for girls. Bros, you are in a relationship with the devil. You can dance all night to worldly songs in club but you can't move when praise is going on in church abi? Your rank in hell is more than that of I.G

Five Things You Don't Know Your Mobile Phone Could Do.

There are a few things that can be done in times of deadly emergencies. Your mobile phone can actually be a life saver or an emergency tool for survival. Check out the things that you can do with it.

1. Emergency: The Emergency Number worldwide for mobile is 112. If you find yourself out of the coverage area of your mobile network and there is an emergency, dial 112 and the mobile will search any existing network to establish the emergency number for you, and interestingly this number 112 can be dialled even if the phone's keypad is locked.

2. Have you locked your keys in the car? Does your car have remote keyless entry? This may come in handy someday. Good reason to own a mobile phone. If you lock your keys in the car and the spare keys are at home, call someone at home on their mobile phone from your cell phone. Hold your cell phone about a foot from your car door and have the person at your home press the unlock button, holding it near the mobile phone on their end. Your car will unlock. Saves someone from having to drive your keys to you. Distance is no object. You could be hundreds of miles away, and if you can reach someone who has the other 'remote' for your car, you can unlock the doors.

3. Hidden Battery Power: Imagine your mobile battery is very low. To activate, press the keys *3370# Your mobile will restart with this reserve and the instrument will show a 50% increase in battery. This reserve will get charged when you charge your mobile next time.

4. How to disable a STOLEN mobile phone? To check your Mobile phone's serial number, key in the following digits on your phone: * # 0 6 # A 15 digit code will appear on the screen. This number is unique to your handset. Write it down and keep it somewhere safe. When your phone get stolen, you can phone your service provider and give them this code. They will then be able to block your handset so even if the thief changes the SIM card, your phone will be totally useless. You probably won't get your phone back, but at least you know that whoever stole it can't use/sell it either. If everybody does this, there would be no point in people stealing mobile phones.

5. ATM - PIN Number Reversal - Good to Know If you should ever be forced by a robber to withdraw money from an ATM machine, you can notify the police by entering your PIN # in reverse. For example, if your pin number is 1234, then you would put in 4321. The ATM system recognizes that your PIN number is backwards from the ATM card you placed in the machine. The machine will still give you the money you requested, but unknown to the robber, the police will be immediately dispatched to the location. This information was recently broadcasted on CTV by Crime Stoppers however it is rarely used because people just don't know about it. Please pass this message along to everyone. This is the kind of information people don't mind receiving, so pass it on to your family and friends.