Welcome, Guest: Register On Nairaland / LOGIN! / Trending / Recent / NewStats: 3,194,671 members, 7,955,452 topics. Date: Sunday, 22 September 2024 at 06:14 AM |
Nairaland Forum / Entertainment / Jokes Etc / Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego (1487753 Views)
akpos funniest joke, and more. / 24/7 Nigeria Jokes Update / Real Funny Nigeria Jokes (2) (3) (4)
(1) (2) (3) ... (6) (7) (8) (9) (10) (11) (12) ... (146) (Reply) (Go Down)
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 9:50am On Oct 17, 2013 |
Messi escorts a woman home for some fun. When they arrive to her bedroom, the woman says: ‘Make yourself comfortable, I’ll be right back’. When she returns she finds Messi and two other naked men on the bed, and she screams: 'What the hell is this'. Messi answers nervously: 'I'm sorry, but I can't perform without Xavi and Iniesta" 12 Likes |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 11:24am On Oct 17, 2013 |
Ochuko: Akpos, why are you always on Facebook? Akpos: I like Facebook & I'm always there for one thing. It's the only place where you can like another man's wife without getting slapped. Ochuko: So, what about Twitter, why are you always there too? Akpos: Twitter is the only place you can follow another man's wife for free! |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 2:13pm On Oct 17, 2013 |
Boss : Akpos, I saw you arguing with the customer that just left. I have told you before that the customer is always right. Do you understand me? Akpos : (Shouts) Yes sir!, the customer is always right. Boss : So what were you arguing about. Akpos : He said you are an i d i o t sir! 4 Likes 2 Shares |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 4:43pm On Oct 17, 2013 |
Akpos: Who is the biological father to Ogaga and Ejiro?. Wife: What sort of stupid question is that?. You are their father. Akpos: You better take those two kids to their father. Wife: Honey, why do you say that they are not your kids?. Akpos: Because every night when they are about to pray before sleeping they will say: `OUR FATHER, WHO ART IN HEAVEN' 3 Likes |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 8:43am On Oct 18, 2013 |
Dad: My Son, please buy me a soft drink. Akpos: Coke or Pepsi? Dad: Coke. Akpos: Diet or regular? Dad: Regular. Akpos: Bottle or can? Dad: Bottle. Akpos: Litre or oz? Dad: Oh my God!! What is it??!! Ok, Just buy me water! Akpos: Natural or Mineral? Dad: Mineral. Akpos: Hot or cold? Dad(angry): I'm going to strike you with a broom! Akpos: Stick broom or soft broom? Dad: Aha!!! Just get out of here! Akpos: Now or tomorrow? Dad: Now! Akpos: Are you accompanying me or not? Dad: I will kill you! Akpos: With knife or with gun? Dad got frustrated and fainted. 4 Likes |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by samuelfemo(m): 9:31am On Oct 18, 2013 |
njuwo: Hahahahaha!! I just can't stop laughing. Thislol 2 Likes |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 10:28am On Oct 18, 2013 |
A calabar girl went for a job interview, she was giving a form to fill in her data. As she was filling the form, she got to part to fill "Sex", she paused and thought for a while and then said to herself "If I write everyday, they'll think I'm spoilt..." After thinking for a while she said to herself "hmmm...I'll just put twice a week" 1 Like 1 Share |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 2:46pm On Oct 18, 2013 |
One day Akpos was going home from school, on his way home, he met a man and asked him ''Excuse me sir, what's the time?'' The man replied ''It's 15 mins to 4.00pm'' Akpos continued walking and told the man ''When 4.00pm reaches, you can Kiss my ass!'' The angered man started chasing Akpos so that he could beat the boy up for the insult... He ran after him for about 2mins until they reached where a certain old man was seated... Akpos ran to the old man and said ''Hey granny.. Look at this man... He wants to beat me!'' The old man asked the young man who was chasing Akpos ''.... What's the problem man?'' The young man replied ''This little brat asked me what is the time and when I told him that it was 15 mins to 4.00pm, he told me that when 4.00pm reaches, I should kiss his ass!'' The old man paused and looked at his watch and told the young man ''But why are you in such hurry? You will have to wait 7 more minutes before you can Kiss his ass!'' |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 4:01pm On Oct 18, 2013 |
Teacher: Who is a pharmacist? Akpos raised up his hand Teacher: So it is only Akpos that is the most intelligent student i have in this class? So there is nobody else to answer the question except Akpos? (There was no reply from the students) Teacher: Ok, now Akpos, use this cane and flog them ten strokes of cane each. Akpos is full of happy and gave all the students ten hot strokes of cane.... Teacher: Oyaa my dear Akpos tell this dumb students who a pharmacist is... Akpos: A Pharmacist is a farmer who assist people. The Teacher fainted. 2 Likes 4 Shares |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 7:16am On Oct 19, 2013 |
Akpos goes off to Delta State University Abraka. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls his father at home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Delsu that will teach our dog, monkey-boy, how to talk!" "That's amazing," his Dad says . "How do I get Monkey-boy into the program?" Akpos smiling said... "Just send him down here with N10,000". "I'll get him into the course dad." So, his father sends the dog and N10,000. About two weeks to end the semester, the money again runs out. Akpos calls home again. "So how's Monkey-boy (the dog name is monkey-boy) doing son?" his father asks. "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!" "Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get monkey-boy in that program?" Akpos smiling said "Just send N20,000, I'll get him into the class." The money promptly arrives. But Akpos then had a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he killed the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's monkey-boy? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!" "Dad," Akpos says, "I have bad news. Yesterday morning, just before we wanted to drive home, monkey-boy was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading Vanguard Newspaper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing' around with that woman who lives in town?" The father exclaimed, "I hope you killed that son of a Naughty Lady before he talks to your Mother!" 9 Likes |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 3:50pm On Oct 19, 2013 |
A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused. She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing. They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?" "I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins.' Then you sat under an ad that read 'Sloan's Liniments Remove Swelling.' Then you moved under a deodorant advertisement which read 'William's Stick Did the Trick.' And I just couldn't hold it in any longer when you moved a fourth time and sat under a tire advertisement which read 'Dunlop Rubber Would Have Prevented This Accident.'" 4 Likes |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 7:54pm On Oct 19, 2013 |
Akpos phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice coming over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake." Is he drunk? 2 Likes |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 8:03am On Oct 20, 2013 |
Pastor: There is a man here. Akpos: (Shouts from the crowd) It is me. Pastor: I repeat, there is a man here. Akpos: (Shouts from the crowd) It is me and my family. Pastor: I say there is a man here. Akpos: (Shouts from the crowd) It is me oooooo!!!. Pastor: They have been sucking your blood for the past ten years. Akpos: Eh? God forbid! It is not me oooo. 7 Likes |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 11:37am On Oct 20, 2013 |
A man and his wife never fought for 25yrs of their marriage. A friend asked him how he had managed to make it possible. He narrated,"We went for our Honeymoon in Australia 25years ago, and while riding on a horse, my wife's horse jumped and my wife fell down. She then got up, patted the Horse's back and said'this is your first time'. After a while ,it happened again. She patted the horse again and said'this is your second time". The horse did it again the 3rd time, she brought out a gun and shot the horse dead. I was so shocked and shouted at her,'Are you crazy!!? What's wrong with you!!? Why did you kill the horse?. She gave me a grave look and said'THIS YOUR FIRST TIME". Ever since then we have been living very happily... 6 Likes |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 3:46pm On Oct 20, 2013 |
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for yourself, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack." Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them. I . . . . Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good . . . Male readers, Please scroll down . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife... I . Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart. =)) Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show\=D/ . . PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!! =)) 12 Likes |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 5:38pm On Oct 20, 2013 |
A naija lady dat married a chinese guy were lucky 2 have a baby girl after 9months of marriage. But after 3months d baby died and the mother of the nigerian lady came to visit them, but she was just shouting; i knew it! i knew it! i knew it! I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! , And so on. And then a man that noticed her shouting, now called her outside and asked her wat she knew and she replied; i knew that china product does not last!!! |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 8:49am On Oct 21, 2013 |
Akpos: I'm in big trouble! Ofego: What happened? Akpos: I saw a rat in my house! Ofego: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap. Akpos: I don't have one. Ofego: Well then, buy one. Akpos: Can't afford one. Ofego: I can give you mine if you want. Akpos: That sounds good. Ofego: All you need to do is just put some fish in order to make the rat come to the trap. Akpos: I don't have any fish. Ofego: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap. Akpos: I don't have oil. Ofego: Well, then put only a small piece of bread. Akpos: I don't have bread. Ofego: Then what is the rat doing in your house? 2 Likes |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 11:48am On Oct 21, 2013 |
TEACHER: Why didn't you study? STUDENT: A year has 365 days for you to study. After taking away 52 Sundays, there are only 313days left. There are 50 days in the summer that is way too hot to work so there are only 263 daysleft. We sleep 8 hours a day, in a year, that counts up to 122 days so now we're left with 141 days. If we fooled around for only 1 hour a day, 15 days are gone, so we are left with 126 days. We spend 2 hours eating each day, 30 days are used in this way in the year, and we are left with 96 days in our year. We spend 1 hour a day speaking to friends and family, that takes away 15 days more and we are left with 81 days. Exams and tests take up at least 35 days in the year; hence you are only left with 46 days. Taking off approximately 40 days of holidays, you are only left with 6 days. Say you are sick fora minimum of 3 days; you're left with 3 days in the year to study! Let's say you only go out for 2 days...You're left with 1 day. But that 1 day is your birthday. That's why i did not study. Teacher: Class dismissed. 5 Likes |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 1:20pm On Oct 21, 2013 |
Teacher: If a lion is chasing you, what would you do? Akpos: I'd climb a tree. Teacher: If the lion climbs a tree? Akpos: I will jump in the lake and swim. Teacher: If the lion also jumps in the water and swims after you? Akpos: Teacher, are you on my SIDE or on the lion's ? 5 Likes |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by Kimmo(f): 7:12pm On Oct 21, 2013 |
omonnakoda: An Arab diplomat visiting the U.S. for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed. Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water? demanded the Grand Emir. A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One, stammered the wretched Abdul, white man sit on well. ' Lmfaoooooo!!!!!!!! 1 Like 1 Share |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 7:44pm On Oct 21, 2013 |
Old lady telling a doctor her problem.''Docto r i av some problem with gas. but it really doesnt boda me 2 much.my fart neva smells and are always silent. as a mata of fact,i've farted at least 20 times since i've bin here in ur clinic. u didnt know i was fartin becos they dont smell and are silent. DOC:''i see,take dis pills and come back 2 see me next week.''d followin week d lady went back 2 d doctor and says:'i dont knw wat d hell u gave me but nw my fart stink terribly,althou gh they're still silent.''The doctor says''Good, nw dat we've cleared up ur nose,let's work on ur HEARING 8 Likes |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 8:07am On Oct 22, 2013 |
After church service, Akpos was hungry. He went to a super market and stole a huge amount of money. When he was caught. He was taken to the police station. POLICE: Young man, why did you steal such huge amount of money? AKPOS: officer, it is not my fault. POLICE: What do you mean by it is not my fault?. AKPOS: it is our pastor's fault. POLICE: (Shouts at Akpos): what do you mean by it is our pastor's fault? AKPOS: he is the one who gave me the magic. POLICE: which magic?. AKPOS: In our church today, when he was praying for the congregation. He said everything we touch will follow us. So i just wanted to test it in the supermarket, to my greatest suprise it worked. 1 Like |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 9:14am On Oct 22, 2013 |
A black man and white man were seated on plane. The black man had a bunch of banana, while the white man had a monkey. The black man wanted to go to the toilet, he said to the white man "please watch over my bananas, while am gone". He went, came back and found out that the bananas were all gone. The white man pointed at the monkey and said, "your brother the monkey ate all of them". The black man with a smile said nothing. Minutes later, the white man said, "please hold my monkey while i pee". He came back and met the monkey dead. He asked the black man what happened and he replied "this is a family matter, please stay out of it! 12 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 10:18am On Oct 22, 2013 |
Akpos was once employed in a school and he went to class to teach. The first day. Akpos: Good morning students Students: Good morning sir! Akpos: I'm going to be your new teacher, do u know what we have this morning? Students: No sir! Teacher: Since u don't know, there's no point of teaching u. Akpos went and came the following day. Akpos: Good morning students Student: Good morning sir. Akpos: Do u know what we have this morning? Out of fear of the previous day, they said "yes sir". Akpos: Since u already know, there's no point teaching u again. The third day. Akpos came to class. Akpos: Do u know what we are having this morning? Out of confusion some said Yes, while some said No. Akpos: Alright then, let those that know teach those who don't know. 6 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by carexy(f): 12:30pm On Oct 22, 2013 |
njuwo: Akpos was once employed in a school and he went to class to teach.na sack letter b dat oo.wit immedate effect. 1 Like |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 7:41pm On Oct 22, 2013 |
Two Teachers were arguing in the class and the students were watching. Other Teachers were trooping in one after the other. ENGLISH TEACHER: What a pugnacious and combatant fight teachers maneuverating themselves in the presence of their pupils. CHEMISTRY TEACHER: Stop this now or I'll balance your equation with acid and base. MATHS TEACHER: please please stop before i divide and subtract your names from our teachers' list. CRS TEACHER: Oh God of Abraham, forgive them cos they do not know what they are doing. ECONOMICS TEACHER: What a human behaviour, I'll draw a scale of preference to know who's at fault. MUSIC TEACHER: Stop both of you lack voices to win an argument, your phonet is voiceless, your treble, and your alto lack vocal sound. HISTORY TEACHER: oh my God of century 2013 I'll compare this fight with that of Iran and Iraq. BIOLOGY TEACHER: What a shame between these two species of Homo sapiens. The knot of your Medula Oblongata is loosing i must get a Spanner to stop this Osmosis. 2 Likes 2 Shares |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 9:14pm On Oct 22, 2013 |
A married man died before making love to his wife. The wife then cuts his manhood embalms it and fixed it on the wall. Each night she went to the wall to satisfy herself. One day her neighbour found out. Then he made a hole in d wall, removed the man's manhood and put his manhood, waiting for the lady. The lady came with a knife, cuts his manhood and said; Darling, we are moving to a new house. 6 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 7:53am On Oct 23, 2013 |
Mother: Akpos how come the baby is smelling so bad? Akpos: Early this morning when i was bathing the baby, the water from the tank got finished, i thought and thought but couldn't find any solution then i decided to put the baby inside the water closet(WC) and flushed the soap away from his body. 1 Like |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 9:15am On Oct 23, 2013 |
AKPOS: Mum, this our grandma is annoying, i wish she will just die. MAMA AKPOS: Idiot! Is your Mother that will die, not mine. Who is more stupid? Akpos or his (biological) mother? 2 Likes |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 10:15am On Oct 23, 2013 |
Man: Marry me? Woman: Do you have a flat? Man: No. Woman: Do you have a maruti car? Man: No. Woman: How much is your salary? Man: No salary, but,.. Woman: No but. You have nothing. How can i marry you? Leave please! Man: (talks to himself) I have one villa, 3 property lands, 3 Ferrari's, 2 Porsches. Why do i still need to buy Maruti. How can i get the salary when actually I'm the BOSS. MORAL: Women Please be patient & listen to what guys have to say before jumping into conclusion. |
(1) (2) (3) ... (6) (7) (8) (9) (10) (11) (12) ... (146) (Reply)
(Go Up)
Sections: politics (1) business autos (1) jobs (1) career education (1) romance computers phones travel sports fashion health religion celebs tv-movies music-radio literature webmasters programming techmarket Links: (1) (2) (3) (4) (5) (6) (7) (8) (9) (10) Nairaland - Copyright © 2005 - 2024 Oluwaseun Osewa. All rights reserved. See How To Advertise. 76 |