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Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! - Romance (2) - Nairaland

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Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by spicyv1(f): 9:25am On Oct 03, 2013
fluxbush: Another couple I know were mutually in love. They did everything and went everywhere together. They were never ashamed to profess their love to anyone. She was perfect for him in everything except her temperament. She brought out the demons in him. They played out the script in Eminem's 'I love the way you lie'. Always fighting and making up thereafter. He put up with her for a long time until the day she burnt all his certificates. They were in love but definitely not compatible.

cheesy cheesy I like you, you have got humor. You know, love brings out the best in you for your partner. Like someone pointed in one of the posts, love brings out compatibilty. So love can help you develop a character you never had just to be in synch with the one you love. Couples may have chemistry, that is not the same as love. I feel this generation face a great challenge- they do not understand love in its entirety.
Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by spicyv1(f): 9:32am On Oct 03, 2013
lynpetra:


Thank you!That's one thing about love issue that I doubt.Because I have actually liked some persons and then,I wake up one morning and begins to feel disgusted!just like I keep reminding my dates,there is a tiny string between love and hate,I switch very easily.At that point,our compatibility is questioned.

Yeah, because love and hate have the same level of intensity.

I totally agree that we Must choose to love. Choosing to love makes you see those faults and overlook them. There will be times in a marriage when you just want to stop seeing that annoying face but you recall you have made a choice and if you have integrity, you'll keep your promise.
Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by sunnyt1(m): 9:38am On Oct 03, 2013
May i consult ifa pls?
Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by Nobody: 10:10am On Oct 03, 2013
fluxbush: A friend of mine was deeply in love with another mutual friend of ours. When I say love,I mean the type seen in Indian movies(the kind we call mumu love over here in Nigeria). He loved her so much that he tolerated all her excesses,and trust me,there were many. She was never considerate,caring,respectful etc. She went as far as insulting his homies when they came visiting. Still,he stuck with her. As the years went by,he became unhappy and depressed and it even affected his psyche. To save himself,he had to call it quits with her,and she didn't bat an eyelid when he broke it off. Back to the question, there was love but the two just weren't compatible.
You are the only person who understand the the whole thing here. Good point.
Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by Nobody: 10:14am On Oct 03, 2013
The only tin that kept the older generation together was the fact dt divorce wasn't an option! A lot of suffer-suffer in marriage thise days, mehn!
Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by fluxbush(f): 10:52am On Oct 03, 2013
Some people here are saying that our parents were wary of the divorce stigma. Some are saying love is synonymous with compatibility. Well,though there is truth in these statements,it doesn't mean they are totally true. Our generation is suffering from the Hollywood stereotypical protrayal of love. We believe that love is,'Boy meet girl and they live happily ever after'. Yet,with all the hype about love,the statistics of divorce is way higher than that of our parents. Our parents didn't enjoy that privilege of getting to know their potential spouse. They were thrown into marriage and had to adapt in order to be compatible. As time passed and kids came along,they built love. Ironically,that is the true love i.e. Love built from life's storms and blues. Compare that with our modern 'love'.

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Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by freecocoa(f): 12:17pm On Oct 03, 2013
What are we talking about again?

Make I know where to put mouth from and no, I didn't read the OP's opening post.
Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by Djtm(m): 12:52pm On Oct 03, 2013
fluxbush: Some people here are saying that our parents were wary of the divorce stigma. Some are saying love is synonymous with compatibility. Well,though there is truth in these statements,it doesn't mean they are totally true. Our generation is suffering from the Hollywood stereotypical protrayal of love. We believe that love is,'Boy meet girl and they live happily ever after'. Yet,with all the hype about love,the statistics of divorce is way higher than that of our parents. Our parents didn't enjoy that privilege of getting to know their potential spouse. They were thrown into marriage and had to adapt in order to be compatible. As time passed and kids came along,they built love. Ironically,that is the true love i.e. Love built from life's storms and blues. Compare that with our modern 'love'.
Exactly my point.
Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by kadas01(m): 8:24pm On Oct 03, 2013
spicy v: So, I was part of a debate centered on the aforementioned topic and thought to share it with a wider public.

Some argued that in the days of our fathers (marriages in the early 70s and above) marriage was not on the basis of love but compatibility hence, the almost non existent divorce practice. Our parents married their partners because they were the right team mates; each member of the team understood their roles and thus came together with that understanding.

However, the new generation marry for love and that in itself is too insignificant a reason to choose to spend the rest of your life with another. And, this is why there are higher divorce rates!

Now, I wonder; was/is this really the case? Is love truly not strong enough to sustain a marriage? Is love not about sacrifices and accepting the entirety of another person? Is love not about adding value to another and assisting another to be all they are meant to be? If love is all of these, is it not strong enough to keep the couple together in the storm?

I also wonder, was it really compatibility that kept our parents together? Or was it the fear of the opinions of society? The stigma of divorce? And were they really happy? If they (especially the women) really had a choice, would they remain?

Your thoughts. Which is the most suitable reason for one to get married and which would sustain a marriage?
Both "compatibility and love" should be the true basis for any marriage or union.
Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by kingjohnny(m): 9:09pm On Oct 03, 2013
it is really amazing
Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by dBard: 6:30am On Oct 04, 2013
Gabriel_sylar: ...don't just marry who u love but who u can live with.... that u LOVE an aircraft doesn't mean u can OPERATE it...love is just chemical reactions...compatibility is reality...love does not produce compatibility but compatibility will produce a bonding that natural words cannot fathom...let's stop deceiving ourselfs putting the cart before the horse...loving someone does not mean u can live together...dis is why we have 5ex to MAKE love...we gorra MAKE it cos it isint there before...lol


Brilliant..
Compatibilty ensures friendship. Friendship, if cultivated, naturally progresses to feelings of strong affection -- LOVE.
A relationship built on that is bound t last n test d strength of time because of d greater bond it affords.
Don't get me wrong tho, Love is very important but there are so many failed relationships even tho d parties were/are madly in love.
Besides, most loving couples will tell u eventually d luv grew t a strong friendship btwn dem..so y put d cart bf d horse??

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Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by Princesszoe: 11:28am On Oct 04, 2013
Gabriel_sylar: ...don't just marry who u love but who u can live with.... that u LOVE an aircraft doesn't mean u can OPERATE it...love is just chemical reactions...compatibility is reality...love does not produce compatibility but compatibility will produce a bonding that natural words cannot fathom...let's stop deceiving ourselfs putting the cart before the horse...loving someone does not mean u can live together...dis is why we have 5ex to MAKE love...we gorra MAKE it cos it isint there before...lol
You really sound like a marriage counsellor. Your definitions and explanations are the best and very true. Some people are still confused about the two(love and compatibility) but they don't know hence still hold on to their misconceptions.
Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by Chidonsky: 11:53am On Oct 04, 2013
@ALL...Love itself is a misery unveiled by nature..the older generation stayed glued with marriage not just because of fear of divorce, mind u love was at is raw form devoid of materialism,selfishness,egocentric sentiment..Adaptation can't work if there is no tolerance,understanding and love..Sacrifice can never manifest if both lack sense of marital responsibility,combined 4rm their differences in quallity 4 d betterment of their love and society..Remember they also love with d intent of also building a societal with peaceful co-existence....Luking at this generation they practice selfish love not considering the next generation at heart,what more do we see than perverts,sexist,feminist,adaptation of ill character resulting 4rm a way-world civilised society where norms,culture,belief,love,submission his seen as slavery and gender assault.Tnx 2 the negative effect of the so called misconcepted empowerment..There is high negligence of truth and pervertion due to increasing demand 4 liberty which is suddenly encroching an ungovernable society...LOVE and COMPATIBILITY works together 2 achieve a lasting relationship and marriage...When we talk abt compatibility we see more of partners with the same like minds,who are willing 2 accept and make up each other flaws..I think beign compatible means 1 ability 2 compliment his partner weakness without and iota of disgust nor tiredness...But love set the atmosphere 4 their emotions 2 be express towards each other, to test the level of acceptation and affection both proclaim 2 have 4 each other independently,with obvious exhibition..Compatibility break d bridge of differences in choice,background,lifestyle,though with a close collective possession....In other words love and peaceful co-existence will be restored,if only the world can trace back the lost ancient landmark of real love,responsibility,fairness,tolerance,respect and uprightness..tnx
Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by claremont(m): 3:43pm On Oct 04, 2013
Love is inapplicable in African relationships. Africans have always gone into relationships on the basis of each party understanding their well-defined socio-cultural roles, and this is the reason why issues such as divorce was alien in African until the coming of the 'white-man'. The bedrock of every relationship is compatibility, if 2 people are not compatible, they will inevitably drift apart regardless of how supposedly deep their love for each other is.

The African male is the farmer, while the African female is the home-keeper. The root of every relationship problems today lies in either party trying to usurp these culturally defined roles.
Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by doris4u(f): 4:11pm On Oct 04, 2013
onlyme07: Mama said .... It's all about UNDERSTANDING. 98% of love we see is usually based on something,
yea,luv dat comes with benefits
Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by spicyv1(f): 11:24pm On Oct 05, 2013
Really insightful points from everyone. My conclusion is:

True love is progressive: love grows and that growth is born out of compatibility; the more time we spend with someone who completes us the more we cherish them.

Finally, we choose to love, to stay in love smiley
Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by sofadj(m): 12:53am On Oct 06, 2013
Ok to the first question. Is love sufficient to keep a marriage? I say NO.
And theses are my reasons:

Generally there are phases in relationships.
Initially is that phase where you feel very blind to most things your partner do, you ignore all their bad habits, there's a burning flame between you, you crave each other's presence for no sane reason, you spend hours talking without saying anything in particular; behavioural psychologists refer to it as the ROMANTIC PHASE.

After 2-3 years many relationships proceed from this phase. All the lovey dovey gradually ends. You have seen a ample lot of your partner and the cravings gradually fade. The chemistry ends too. Many couples begin to find it difficult to do the romantic things they used to do together; writing poems, singing to each other on phones , etc...
Familiarity truly breeds contempt. At this phase even if you marry Ashwairya Rai (in this phase, her beauty wouldn't freak you much)
This is where character and compatibity sets in. No matter how much couples love each other at this phase if they are not compatible they will have very major problems. Some minor things can be overlooked e.g. Eating habits, snoring, etc. But more major issues like gossiping, wastefulness, lavishness, pride, become difficult to overlook. Love is never enough.
Once they can survive this phase, then the rest isn't as difficult.

Then they will proceed to the phae where they become a unit. They get used to each other. They literarilly have become pals beyond words. They accept the differences in each other and find ways to deal with the habits they don't like in their partners. This might take between 6-12yrs.
Generally the more a couple stay together, the less it is likely they will separate.


So to the second question which I would like to frame as "What keeps couples together?"
Well the simple answer is..........? There's actually no simple answer.
Many things keep couples together and I'l like to list a few in no particular order

1. Love
Despite that I've earlier stated that love isn't only factor needed to make a relationship last, I have to quip that it is still important. Meanwhile ask 100 people what Love is and you may be surprised that no 2 will say two same things. Meaning love is very complex and is very easy to be mistaken for e.g. Lust, Strong likeness. I wouldn't like to dwell on love further. Let's move on to the next.

2. Culture and Religion: This has proved to be the most important in this part of the world. It is common to the religions predominant here that once a marriage oath has been sworn, there is no going back irrespective of the eventualities in marriages. Religious matters are extremely sensitive and taken highly serious in this environment(Africa). Many Marriages which ought not be anymore, full of emotional and physical abuses, infidelity etc are still in existence, not because the partners involved are happy but rather because they are concerned about what the society, the church or the mosque will say. Nowadays, there's a gradual decline in the convictions with which people hold religious beliefs, this generation is getting more liberal in their views, evidenced in music,dressing etc. Therefore it is expected for this to be seen in relationships/marriages too.

3. Financial Reasons: After religion this has to be the other singular most important factor that differentiates marriage practices in terms of termination between Africa and the Western world. In the past, fewer women had education and thus it has been a norm for the wife to be financially dependent on the husband. Many women were/and still are married as full housewives without any means of livelihood apart from what she receives from her husband. In this scenario, it will be next to impossible for such a woman to decide to leave such man even if the man is abusive, emotionally/physically. Such a wife would put up with whatever goes on in their relationship in order to protect her livelihood. Increase in divorces in this generation has a link with increase FEMALE EDUCATION and FEMALE FINANCIAL INDEPENDENCE. Show me a woman who files for divorce and I'll show you an educated woman who is financially stable (this holds many but not all times).

4. Children, these are bonds. Marriages with Children have a greater chance of surviving than those without children, under similar conditions. Children serve as bonds between couples. Many women also choose to stay in abusive marriages because of their children, sacrificing themselves to raise their children.


There are other influences and factors that I believe alse has influences including;
Personalities of the couple, Families of the couple (a man who comes from a single home might not be willing to do all to keep his own marriage when eventually issues start)
Little things such as elaborate weddings might even have an effect (especially in this environment)



Marriages are institutions, and it is never always rosy, like other institutions it takes hardwork, it requires a couple who are determined from the set go to be with each other no matter "what"

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Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by beau49: 1:01pm On Oct 07, 2013
So many enlightening posts....u all seem 2 av said it all.

To me I tink d major issue is we dnt really understand wat 'Love' means n dat is where our problem lies.If u ask a number of persons wat luv means sum answers wud mk u laff while odas wud mk u want 2 slap d person.

Nw d question is wat is luv n hw does it occur?Most of all we av mentioned above,love encompasses dem all e.g compatibility,understanding e.t.c....most pple wud argue dat luv grows while odas wud say it happens @ first sight,dey wud tell u it is unself givin of oneself n closing ur eyes 2 d flaws of ur partner n so on n so forth.But d issue is most of all d definition of wat luv is r jes excuses n r fashioned jes 2 suit our selfish purposes.

Nt until we av trully cum 2 understand wat it means our divorce rates will continue 2 escallate !
Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by Nduwin(f): 1:23pm On Oct 07, 2013
u are absolutely right,u just said my opinion about marriage,i agree to marrying someone u can live with and thats compatibility my people and it will definately give birth to love.
Gabriel_sylar: ...don't just marry who u love but who u can live with.... that u LOVE an aircraft doesn't mean u can OPERATE it...love is just chemical reactions...compatibility is reality...love does not produce compatibility but compatibility will produce a bonding that natural words cannot fathom...let's stop deceiving ourselfs putting the cart before the horse...loving someone does not mean u can live together...dis is why we have 5ex to MAKE love...we gorra MAKE it cos it isint there before...lol
Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by oyinbogirl(f): 2:59pm On Oct 07, 2013
spicy v: Hmmm, deep stuff. So, do you think our parents had love? Was it love that kept them?

Is love gradually becoming extinct? Why the high rate of divorce then?


People have become more intolerant these days. Divorce is easy to get now and theres just not the kind of stigma as it was back in the days. Couples stayed together back then no matter how unhappy they were (if not for love) then for duty, because society will frown upon a divorce (being a shocking thing to them) I think the problem now is that some of us think marriage should be easy, and effortless , when its not. Many cant weather the disagreements & fights that relationship bring, rather they throw in the towel and cease to fight for their marriage. Society & declining standards are paving the way for it all. And how many actually even know what love really entails?
Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by Chidonsky: 7:41pm On Oct 07, 2013
beau49: So many enlightening posts....u all seem 2 av said it all.

To me I tink d major issue is we dnt really understand wat 'Love' means n dat is where our problem lies.If u ask a number of persons wat luv means sum answers wud mk u laff while odas wud mk u want 2 slap d person.

Nw d question is wat is luv n hw does it occur?Most of all we av mentioned above,love encompasses dem all e.g compatibility,understanding e.t.c....most pple wud argue dat luv grows while odas wud say it happens @ first sight,dey wud tell u it is unself givin of oneself n closing ur eyes 2 d flaws of ur partner n so on n so forth.But d issue is most of all d definition of wat luv is r jes excuses n r fashioned jes 2 suit our selfish purposes.

Nt until we av trully cum 2 understand wat it means our divorce rates will continue 2 escallate !
love @ first sight is not love but attraction,unless d person his willing 2 take whatever comes out of such misconcepted idea...love grows ''ye" and hw,by learning and getting use 2 d person by fondness,communication,observation of lifestyle,actions,attitude and the rest...Now i know why people say love is blind,why won't it be blind when their idealogy is blind..Marriage can work when u combine every qualities u have acquired in live into it,is a life time investment..Though every love pass through hurdles of life....Life respect no 1 but alwas put your best and expect less..!
Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by Chidonsky: 7:52pm On Oct 07, 2013
beau49: So many enlightening posts....u all seem 2 av said it all.

To me I tink d major issue is we dnt really understand wat 'Love' means n dat is where our problem lies.If u ask a number of persons wat luv means sum answers wud mk u laff while odas wud mk u want 2 slap d person.

Nw d question is wat is luv n hw does it occur?Most of all we av mentioned above,love encompasses dem all e.g compatibility,understanding e.t.c....most pple wud argue dat luv grows while odas wud say it happens @ first sight,dey wud tell u it is unself givin of oneself n closing ur eyes 2 d flaws of ur partner n so on n so forth.But d issue is most of all d definition of wat luv is r jes excuses n r fashioned jes 2 suit our selfish purposes.

Nt until we av trully cum 2 understand wat it means our divorce rates will continue 2 escallate !
Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by Nobody: 7:53pm On Oct 07, 2013
fluxbush: A friend of mine was deeply in love with another mutual friend of ours. When I say love,I mean the type seen in Indian movies(the kind we call mumu love over here in Nigeria). He loved her so much that he tolerated all her excesses,and trust me,there were many. She was never considerate,caring,respectful etc. She went as far as insulting his homies when they came visiting. Still,he stuck with her. As the years went by,he became unhappy and depressed and it even affected his psyche. To save himself,he had to call it quits with her,and she didn't bat an eyelid when he broke it off. Back to the question, there was love but the two just weren't compatible.
Do I know you? I don't think my ex and I had any mutual friends. undecided
Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by Nobody: 8:06pm On Oct 07, 2013
alutacontinua: The only tin that kept the older generation together was the fact dt divorce wasn't an option! A lot of suffer-suffer in marriage thise days, mehn!
How do you know this? It was pretty established that a woman who displeased her husband could be sent back to her parents and the dowry required back or some portion of it or that a woman could leave her husband and return her dowry to him in both cases indicating that the marriage was over.

Divorce has always been a part of human reality. It is not a modern invention.
Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by Nobody: 8:26pm On Oct 07, 2013
fluxbush: Some people here are saying that our parents were wary of the divorce stigma. Some are saying love is synonymous with compatibility. Well,though there is truth in these statements,it doesn't mean they are totally true. Our generation is suffering from the Hollywood stereotypical protrayal of love. We believe that love is,'Boy meet girl and they live happily ever after'. Yet,with all the hype about love,the statistics of divorce is way higher than that of our parents. Our parents didn't enjoy that privilege of getting to know their potential spouse. They were thrown into marriage and had to adapt in order to be compatible. As time passed and kids came along,they built love. Ironically,that is the true love i.e. Love built from life's storms and blues. Compare that with our modern 'love'.
The bolded is not necessarily true. While arranged marriages were more common then, they were noy necessarily the only way to get married.

Besides, I think that we are grossly underestimating human adaptability. Human beings adapt quite well. Two compatible people without much emotional attraction at first tend to grow closer as they spend more time together. Our parents probably fared much better with their arranged marriages than we do today with our freedom to pick and choose.
Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by Nobody: 10:36pm On Oct 07, 2013
Anonymous Heart:
How do you know this? It was pretty established that a woman who displeased her husband could be sent back to her parents and the dowry required back or some portion of it or that a woman could leave her husband and return her dowry to him in both cases indicating that the marriage was over.

Divorce has always been a part of human reality. It is not a modern invention.

And u can be sure she practically becomes an outcast after den! Who wants to suffer dt kid of shame in dose days

I'm nt an advocate of divorce but I don't see our ancestors' marriages as a pattern for marriage! Women suffered too much dt tym, abeg!
Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by Nobody: 10:51pm On Oct 07, 2013
^^ And she's less an outcast today as a divorcee? Same old same old, lady. It wasn't worse then than now. The difference may be that more women tended to be married, earlier and for longer perhaps, than today.
Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by Nobody: 10:58pm On Oct 07, 2013
Anonymous Heart: ^^ And she's less an outcast today as a divorcee? Same old same old, lady. It wasn't worse then than now. The difference may be that more women tended to be married, earlier and for longer perhaps, than today.

Oooooohhhhhhhh puuullllleeeeeaaaaasssseeeeeee, u can't compare the stigma of 'then' to nowadayz, abeg! Divorcees can even re-marry these dayz, i doubt dt was close to possibility den! Besides, the whole concept of it's the man dt provides all their needs is enuf to sit her butts down, even if she can't breathe! Most marriages in those days was slavery, to both parties, even! The concept of companionship and partnership was almost non-existent! My point: i cannot use their marriage as a model for mine, i want something better!
Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by Nobody: 11:10pm On Oct 07, 2013
^^ Honestly, I'm curious where you get your info. I can talk of a pre-modern African society and pre-modern Europe. And I'll tell you that you are quite wrong.

Where I come from, in the past, the women weighed as much as the men and why a woman was divorced mattered just as much as the fact that she was.

As for being stifled, like I said, I have no idea where your info is coming from. Here in Nigeria, history holds that women in the past were economically capable, in the South East, at least. A man was a provider but the woman wasn't helpless because of that.

Perhaps you should show me where you're getting your info.
Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by Nobody: 11:18pm On Oct 07, 2013
Maybe we're mixing things up! I am talking abt africa here, nt Europe! And by our ancestors, i don't mean ten yrs ago, i'm talking generations gone! Days when being a non-virgin was enuf disgrace, let alone parking out of a man's house after how many yrs!
Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by Nobody: 11:28pm On Oct 07, 2013
I said I knew of a pre-modern African society and pre-modern Europe. I haven't even spoken of Europe yet. I have been talking of Africa. In fact, the Europe I had in mind even was not nearly as "kind" to women as the African society I was speaking of.

I think you're working with very little solid information, lady. Virginity mattered in the past, yes, but the reason it might seem like it was more of a big deal than it is today is because societies were smaller. The world today is extremely heterogenous and allows people to constantly reinvent themselves. If people in one place have issues with your past, you can easily move elsewhere. Not so back then.

Human nature is basically the same. If anything, the passage of time has only allowed it to unfold.
Re: Marry For Compatibility, Not Love!!! by Nobody: 11:29pm On Oct 07, 2013
And, oh, I was speaking of the nineteenth century and earlier myself.

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