[color=#770077][/color] it would be unfair if I just read silently without dropping my comment! Wow you are good and your genre is different and the story is so real! Love it! Well done! More grace to your writing! Pls chuks must not run mad o!

Royver, you are really good... Nice story, *seriously following*

When a person passes out and regains consciousness, does that person's head pound? I think their vision spins, their mouth feels like it has been stuffed with cotton, pin points of black cloud their vision before it finally clears away. Their head pounds when they have been struck with an object. The protagonist was choked, not pounded on the head.

Asides that, this story is the first that has been able to grip my undivided attention in my Nairaland experience. Good job Royver, keep it up. I am salivating for more.

I wanted to make this comment earlier but I got carried away by the suspense of this absolutely delightful tale

You stated that Obi would have been roughly Chuks height if he wasn't confined to a wheelchair. What height is that? You didn't state it. We don't even have the minutest detail of the physical aspect of the protagonist. Is he dark? Fair? Musclebound? Chubby? Lean? Does he have any distinctive feature?

I am also wondering; Chuks was born with a gift. He sees the good, the bad and the ugly. I am guessing his age should be between 25-27, so in other words, that is close to three decades of supernatural experiences. This means he is no rookie. I am surprised that he was not able to grasp or sense the evil sorrounding the chief. The man ought to be giving off the stench of evil in waves.

I am surprised also that he was not able to see or perceive the invisible guards for what they really are: DEMONS. This is someone who can see into a person's aura. This is someone who can see into the spirit realm. He saw the abracadabra being performed by the pastor, he saw the vulture on the chorister's head, he 'casts out' demons, heck, he even has a guardian angel. At what times does this guardian angel appear? How does he communicate with this angel? Where was this angel when the chief placed the demon of madness on the protagonist? Chuks sees things for what they really are, so how could a highly demonised chief pass through his radar?? A man like chief who is involved in blood rituals and commands demons will have a lot going on for him in the spirit. A vairiety of marks, symbols, stains etc

Gaps, Royver, I am seeing too many gaps here. You are doing a fantastic job darling, absolutely fantastic, but you are leaving too many loose ends and gaping holes in the plot. You have to work harder to fill those gaps and weave a tighter plot. Ask questions as you write (the same questions the reader will ask) and answer them. Then using your God given talent, skillfully incoporate it into the story, weaving it like the master craftsman you are turning into.

Good job!!

Isholove ask too many but compulsory question. take her advice And ur story will be one hell of a story. By the way isholove wat do u study cos obvious u re intelligent

Ice4jez: Isholove ask too many but compulsory question. take her advice And ur story will be one hell of a story. By the way isholove wat do u study cos obvious u re intelligent

Molecular Physics

Interesting, i hope chuks wud be ok afta this ordeal

Ishilove:

1 - Asides that, this story is the first that has been able to grip my undivided attention in my Nairaland experience. Good job Royver, keep it up. I am salivating for more.

2 - You stated that Obi would have been roughly Chuks height if he wasn't confined to a wheelchair. What height is that? You didn't state it. We don't even have the minutest detail of the physical aspect of the protagonist. Is he dark? Fair? Musclebound? Chubby? Lean? Does he have any distinctive feature?

3 - I am also wondering; Chuks was born with a gift. He sees the good, the bad and the ugly. I am guessing his age should be between 25-27, so in other words, that is close to three decades of supernatural experiences. This means he is no rookie. I am surprised that he was not able to grasp or sense the evil sorrounding the chief. The man ought to be giving off the stench of evil in waves.

4 - I am surprised also that he was not able to see or perceive the invisible guards for what they really are: DEMONS. This is someone who can see into a person's aura. This is someone who can see into the spirit realm. He saw the abracadabra being performed by the pastor, he saw the vulture on the chorister's head, he 'casts out' demons, heck, he even has a guardian angel. At what times does this guardian angel appear? How does he communicate with this angel? Where was this angel when the chief placed the demon of madness on the protagonist? Chuks sees things for what they really are, so how could a highly demonised chief pass through his radar?? A man like chief who is involved in blood rituals and commands demons will have a lot going on for him in the spirit. A vairiety of marks, symbols, stains etc


5 - Good job!!

1 & 5 - I totally agree with you.

2 - I agree he hasn't done justice to the description but at the same time I think he should do too much, I believe the key to a great description is to just give a "guideline" and let the readers fill in the blank spaces. #justSaying.

3 & 4 - We know that Mr A is definetely an evil man who got his riches and "powers" through an evil mean,s there is every probablity that he somehow has a power that kind of made Chuks not to be entirely able to tell the difference between the things he "saw" and reality.

chistar01:



2 - I agree he hasn't done justice to the description but at the same time I think he should do too much, I believe the key to a great description is to just give a "guideline" and let the readers fill in the blank spaces. #justSaying.

You mean shouldn't do too much? I agree, less is more. But the thing is the "guideline", to use your language, is skeletal. It is not enough, in my humble opinion.

chistar01:
3 & 4 - We know that Mr A is definetely an evil man who got his riches and "powers" through an evil mean,s there is every probablity that he somehow has a power that kind of made Chuks not to be entirely able to tell the difference between the things he "saw" and reality.

We shall see, won't we? However, knowing Chuks and his gift, he should have had an inkling.

the guy never update and the thread don full with nonsense and senseless quoting mtcheew..... thumb's up @op

^
I guess u dint read wat dey wrote b4 mouthing off sh!!t abi? Mtscheeeew
Aunty Ishi thanx fr leading me here ooo.
Where d op na?
I'm glued 2 dis page ooo..Totally following

Thanks everyone, wow! I'm glad you are enjoying my little piece. Pls make yourselves at home.

Ishilove: When a person passes out and regains consciousness, does that person's head pound? I think their vision spins, their mouth feels like it has been stuffed with cotton, pin points of black cloud their vision before it finally clears away. Their head pounds when they have been struck with an object. The protagonist was choked, not pounded on the head.

Asides that, this story is the first that has been able to grip my undivided attention in my Nairaland experience. Good job Royver, keep it up. I am salivating for more.

I wanted to make this comment earlier but I got carried away by the suspense of this absolutely delightful tale

You stated that Obi would have been roughly Chuks height if he wasn't confined to a wheelchair. What height is that? You didn't state it. We don't even have the minutest detail of the physical aspect of the protagonist. Is he dark? Fair? Musclebound? Chubby? Lean? Does he have any distinctive feature?

I am also wondering; Chuks was born with a gift. He sees the good, the bad and the ugly. I am guessing his age should be between 25-27, so in other words, that is close to three decades of supernatural experiences. This means he is no rookie. I am surprised that he was not able to grasp or sense the evil sorrounding the chief. The man ought to be giving off the stench of evil in waves.

I am surprised also that he was not able to see or perceive the invisible guards for what they really are: DEMONS. This is someone who can see into a person's aura. This is someone who can see into the spirit realm. He saw the abracadabra being performed by the pastor, he saw the vulture on the chorister's head, he 'casts out' demons, heck, he even has a guardian angel. At what times does this guardian angel appear? How does he communicate with this angel? Where was this angel when the chief placed the demon of madness on the protagonist? Chuks sees things for what they really are, so how could a highly demonised chief pass through his radar?? A man like chief who is involved in blood rituals and commands demons will have a lot going on for him in the spirit. A vairiety of marks, symbols, stains etc

Gaps, Royver, I am seeing too many gaps here. You are doing a fantastic job darling, absolutely fantastic, but you are leaving too many loose ends and gaping holes in the plot. You have to work harder to fill those gaps and weave a tighter plot. Ask questions as you write (the same questions the reader will ask) and answer them. Then using your God given talent, skillfully incoporate it into the story, weaving it like the master craftsman you are turning into.

Good job!!

@ishilove thanks so much for your insightful comments! I will definitely do my best to improve. I have never fainted before so u got me with the fainting bit Iagree I have to work better on character ddescription, if you noticed my short story entry "the haunted road," I had a similar problem. Will definitely look into it although I have already typed today's update so will work on it for future episodes.
As for your other questions, keep following sister! All of them will be answered as the story progresses. More palmie?

Royver:

@ishilove thanks so much for your insightful comments! I will definitely do my best to improve. I have never fainted before so u got me with the fainting bit Iagree I have to work better on character ddescription, if you noticed my short story entry "the haunted road," I had a similar problem. Will definitely look into it although I have already typed today's update so will work on it for future episodes.
As for your other questions, keep following sister! All of them will be answered as the story progresses. More palmie?

Nmaka why? One garawa full, please

Ishilove:
Molecular Physics

Jeez!! Ishi, are u serious?? As in no jokes here? Pls say. Molecular Physics??

Mighty Fortress:
Jeez!! Ishi, are u serious?? As in no jokes here? Pls say. Molecular Physics??

Yes... Why is it so surprising?

Meanwhile Royver, you're simply magical, and with the unquestioned authority bestowed upon me, I formally induct you into the Nairaland Literature Section Hall of Fame, and I bestow this medal of honour upon you.. SWNR.. Senior Writer of Nairaland Republic!!
Carry go, no fear, beloved scribe!

U too much.

Meanwhile Royver, you're simply magical, and with the unquestioned authority bestowed upon me, I formally induct you into the Nairaland Literature Section Hall of Fame, and I bestow this medal of honour upon you.. SWNR.. Senior Writer of Nairaland Republic!!
Carry go! no fear, we dey ur back, thou beloved scribe!

Ishilove:
Yes... Why is it so surprising?

Damn!! Permit my language.. It just seems so... Unusual The Ishi who writes all those stories and gives writing advice a Molecular Physicist? And they aint so common round here, u know. Anyway, pleased to meet u, Madam.

Mighty Fortress: Meanwhile Royver, you're simply magical, and with the unquestioned authority bestowed upon me, I formally induct you into the Nairaland Literature Section Hall of Fame, and I bestow this medal of honour upon you.. SWNR.. Senior Writer of Nairaland Republic!!
Carry go, no fear, beloved scribe!

Loading...100%. thanks for your patience

Pls wil dere b any bomb of an update dis monin?, so I can stay tuned?

“How long has he been like this?”

“Two days now, sir.”

“My son, oh my son!”

The voices seemed to be coming to me from far off. I opened my eyes and saw that I was lying down in a comfortable bed. The air conditioning was soothing to my skin and the television was on with a football match showing. The fluorescent light from the ceiling was blinding my eyes and I winced as my pupils constricted to accommodate the bright surroundings. I recognized the pictures in my room and I sighed with relief. What a nightmare! So I had been dreaming the whole thing all along? I turned to my side and saw Nina still sleeping on the bed beside me. Sweet, sexy, adorable Nina, my personal angel. Her beautiful skin shone smoothly in the fluorescent light. I imagined her chest moving gently with her breathing and turned, smiling towards her…

But she wasn’t breathing. She looked cold, unmovable, still as, as… I couldn’t think it. Suddenly my heart started beating hard against my chest.
“Nina? Nina?” I called out, getting more panicked by the minute. I shook her hard but she didn’t respond. I wanted to turn her over, but I was suddenly too afraid to look at her face. Her beautiful face, what if I looked and it wasn’t beautiful anymore? But curiosity got the better of me and I turned her on her back.

And screamed.

Her face was gone, nothing. Nothing was there just a blank mass of flesh. I tried jumping out of the bed and suddenly chains from nowhere wrapped themselves around my hands and feet. I screamed louder and then the door to the room opened and I saw myself, myself as a child, looking in and hissing angrily.

“You are having a nightmare, you idiot.” My child self said scornfully. “Wake up!”


I screamed and jumped up- and I was out of the nightare only to find y parents rushing towards me, worry all over their faces.

“HE’S AWAKE!”

“Chukwudi, my son, what happened?”

I looked around me confused and saw that I was in the same room I mistook for mine in the dream. Only that there was a nurse beside me and my hands and feet had been chained to the bed. Both my parents were standing beside me, looking very worried, and behind them stood – Mr A****! He looked even more concerned than my parents and for a moment I thought I had indeed been dreaming. And then I caught him smiling wickedly as his eyes met mine.

I said “Mum, dad, get away from this bastard! He is evil!”

But what came out of my mouth was:

“Skelewu, Jump the bridge! Wind your waist and dance for me!!!”

My parents gasped, Mr A**** shook his head sadly. I was shocked! Shocked beyond words. What happened? I tried again:

“Dad?”

“Agbaya!!”

“Mum?”

“Bitch!”

My mum started crying. I stopped talking and looked at her. I tried smiling to encourage her but found myself grinning maniacally instead. I knew what was happening but they didn’t. and I saw my mother hold my father and weep for her son. And I looked at Mr A**** who, standing behind them, was watching me with a hidden smile. And there and then I swore revenge. It would be absolute and merciless. I didn’t know how I would get out of this but I intended to do so with every fibre of my being.


My father was talking. “So that’s how you found him?”


“Er, Yes sir.” Mr. A**** replied humbly. “I had dropped him off on Sunday and came back to my daughter in law’s place. He even sent her a text message a few hours later saying he was going to town to buy something to eat. The next thing we knew he called and started shouting that some men were chasing him and that he had bolted himself in his house. I went along with my daughter-in-law to his place with a few policemen only to meet him like this. They later found a few wraps of Indian hemp on his table, both used and unused. The doctor said it is common for hemp smokers to start hallucinating especially when they have been taking it for a long time.”

I don’t smoke hemp! I shouted

“E don tay since I dey take igbo naa…!” I heard myself say.

“Our son, a hemp smoker?!” my mum interjected. “I don’t believe it!”

“Eees very possible ma.” The young nurse by my side had decided to enter the conversation. “We dey see them plenty for this side o. Dey go dey look responsible meanwhile…”

“Thank you nurse”. My father said grimly. “We’ll take care of him from here. Thank you Mr A****, you have been very kind, paying all his medical bills…”

Mr A**** nodded quietly. “Its no trouble. I liked him fro the first moment I saw him, his charisma, his intelligence. He reminded me of myself when I was younger. It’s a pity he went into drugs. I am sure the doctor will be able to do something for him. My daughter in law says she will come by later to see him. Maybe I’ll drop her off before returning to my hotel.”
“Thanks again sir” my mum said and he smiled and left. The nurse adjusted the drip on my arm and left as well. As soon as they left my mum went to my side and sat down close to me.

“Chuks, what happened?”

I opened my mouth to answer but instead spat on her face. She withdrew and cleaned it off and looked at her husband.
“Can he really go mad?” she said, looking more alarmed than ever. “Do you think he saw…something he shouldn't have seen?”
My father was quiet. He seemed to be deep in thought. My mother had to get up and go to him and physically shake him before he broke out of his reverie.

“What is it, woman?!” he asked angrily.

“What can you be thinking of at a time like this?” my mum said getting hysterical. “Our son is lying here, not his normal self and you are silent? What do we do?”

“First of all, calm down.” My father had become the man I knew. I could see him building inner strength, becoming a rock of stability and support. Hopefully he would know what to do.

My mum, however was still on the verge of a massive hysteria. “I won’t calm down o. where is the doctor? How can he have been here for two days and the doctor has seen him only once? When did our son start taking hemp?

My dad stared at her with fiery eyes and she finally kept quiet. His look was altogether menacing and for a moment I thought he was going to shout down the place. His voice however remained calm.

“My son already sees visions, he would never resort to drugs that would make him hallucinate even more. You know chuks better than that! With all the stress he has gone through trying to adjust and appear normal, is it now he would resort to drugs for comfort?
My mother saw the sense in that and nodded quietly in agreement.

“secondly, we must tell the doctor or nurse immediately to stop that man from coming to visit chuks. I didn’t like him at all.”

“But why?” mum said, “he seemed so nice.”

“Too nice,” my father retorted. “how long has he known chuks? ‘he reminded me of myself when I was young…’ rubbish! Make sure he doesn’t come near here again!”

“Yes dear,” my mum said.

“Now please, there is something I want to try but I’ll need you to stand outside and let nobody interrupt us.

Her eyes widened. “You mean, you want to call…”

“Yes.” He said. “I don’t see what else we can do. It may have been too long and it may not work but I have to try.”

My mother’s eyes filled with hope. I watched her and inwards I smiled. My dad had always been the one to hold unto in times of crises. My mum and I adored him so much although we never told him to his face, lest he become too full of himself. A foolish reason, I thought now, as I watched, trapped, a prisoner in my own body, as my mother left the room and my father came to the foot of the bed.

“I love you, dad.” I said.

“Comot for here, bastard!” I spoke.

“Its all right chukudi, don’t say anymore.” He said. He sighed deeply and was quiet for a while before he started to speak:

“When you were little, your mum tried to hide your peculiarities from me. Funny woman, how won't I know if my only son is strange? I found out after a while and at first pretended I didn’t know. Then I started getting angry and thought I could force it out of you, especially when you told your mum about the feelings her friend and I shared, even though you didn't know what you were doing at the time. I was so blinded by my lust, anger and selfishness I thought I could beat it out of you. So one day when I was at home with you and your mother went to work, I went to the back of the house and cut a big cane. I said I would flog you mercilessly and warn you never to repeat anything you saw again. The strange thing was that you showed no signs of fear even as I raised the whip. I flogged and flogged you and you uttered not a word. I was still too angry to notice the evil I was doing so I threw the whip away and pulled my belt. When the head of the belt hit you, you screamed and ran back. I chased after you with the belt and hit you again. You had nowhere else to run and so you grabbed the belt. I was about pulling it out of your hands when you screamed again.”

My father paused for a moment, as if he was about to expose a big secret whose weight had burdened him for years. I watched him in silence.

“ I don’t know what you did that day, but I found something escaping my body. It was like a disgusting, ugly looking monkey with a big manhood. I saw it with my own, normal eyes, it wriggled and squirmed about on the ground for a short while, then lay still, dead. And then it disappeared. I immediately lost all feelings for your mother’s friend. I didn’t even understand why I had been so angry with you. I dropped to my knees and begged you for forgiveness and you held my hands with yours which had swollen from my whipping. And you smiled and told me that you saw when your mother’s friend had put it on me, that it had been sitting on my shoulder the whole time.”

I opened my eyes wide in amazement. I had done that as a child? I could do that? How come I didn’t remember?

“i told you then that you were stronger than me and you said you would do it for me anytime I called you Chukwudi the stronger. That you liked the way the name sounded. Chukwudi the Stronger! And I used it there and then. I selfishly asked you to remove any other thing from me, anything that was hindering my way to greatness.” He was crying now. “Chukwudi the stronger! I made you remove as many obstacles from my path and your mother’s that day. That was the day things really began to change, the day things started to get better, but it had an effect on you. You slept throughout the next day and when you finally awoke, you had no recollection of the incident. You seemed so stressed out, so overworked, so drained. Your mother and I decided we would never use you for such selfish purposes again. We didn’t know how it would affect your health. And so we kept it a secret between us. And a secret it has remained for all these years, even from you. It was after then we started hearing you talk of Pachios, whom you called your guardian angel. I personally felt that a higher power had sent him to you to protect you until you could fend for yourself. And since he allowed this, this thing happen to you, I believe your time has come for you to do just that."


I was stunned. I had never heard this part of my history before. And then I realized it. When I was still a child Pachios had always been there to protect me from harm. The odd scrape there, the adventurous escapade there. I remember when I was in primary school and some dogs chased after a group of us boys as we ran home from school. Each and every one of those eleven boys had been chased down or bitten by the dogs, except me. They simply behaved as if I wasn’t there. I knew Pachios had been covering me with his wings. And the scar I had gotten on my wrist when escaping from school…I had actually fallen right unto the barbed wire. It was because I stretched out my hands as I fell that I had any injury at all. Pachios had been there to catch me. And since I had come to Lagos Pachios’ visits had become less and less frequent. But surely this was an emergency? Where was he? Did he expect me to do this on my own?

My father had pulled himself up to his full height and he had stopped crying. His voice took an authoritarian tone and he set his face firm as a rock and spoke loudly:

Chukwudi the stronger!
Come out!
Are you asleep?
Listen to the voice of your father, the voice of the one who calls you Son!
Chukwudi the stronger!
Are your eyes still heavy?
Awake from your slumber and vanquish those who would make you a mockery.
CHUKWUDI THE STRONGER! RISE!


At first nothing happened. I felt silly, watching him there looking at me, looking at me almost the same way Mr A**** had done back in the large, dark room. What did he want me to do? And then…I felt myself fall. I was falling deep into my own body as if my body itself was a huge room and I was dropping right down to the centre. I shouted but no sound came out and I continued to fall, until I landed on a firm surface. My landing was gentle despite haven fallen for a long time. I stayed on the ground for a while and looked around me. I was in an empty room. There was a source of light coming from above but I couldn’t pinpoint the exact location. As I walked around I realized the room was no longer empty. Lying on the floor, sleeping peacefully, was a small boy of about six years. I knew who he was before I even approached him. In fact this room for some reason appeared very familiar, like I had lived in it my whole life. I went over to the boy and shook him but he mumbled something and went back to sleep.

“Wake up!” I said. “it’s time for you to wake up!”

He turned around sleepily to face me and I recognized my younger self, the one I had seen in my nightmare earlier that day. He yawned and mumbled some more then turned to go back to sleep. I shook him again.

“You again? What is it?” he asked sleepily.

“I need your help,” I said. “Someone put a lunacy creature on my head”

“Well, get rid of it,” he said, stubbornly refusing to open his eyes.

“I can’t,” I said. “I don’t know how and Pachios isn’t around to help me anymore.”

“Pachios is gone?” he said opening his eyes and sitting up. He suddenly smiled. “So does that mean I am in charge now?”

“Yes it does.” I said feeling a bit funny talking to myself. “I am in charge.”

He stood up and stretched about a bit. It really seemed he had been sleeping for a long time. Then he said “This is going to be so much fun! You are not a strict kind of adult are you?”

“Get me out of this predicament, and we’ll see.” I said. “Get me out, Chukwudi the stronger!”

He grinned then, and bellowed at the top of his lungs, “WHO DARES TO SIT ON MY HEAD?!” and I heard a trembling from above and the creature attached to my head screeched in terror.

Chukwudi the younger, the stronger, looked at me, still grinning. “Let’s go back up. I have a feeling you are going to enjoy this as much as I am!”

weldone your

*claps furiously* Cool

Twist and turn...nicely incorporated the part of the younger chuks.The insanity display scenes got me literally screaming in my room though it was late esp.the "comot for here,bastard"part.Keep it up bro!You are a literal emeritus in the making.

Ms Spaqs: *claps furiously* Cool

please its late o...abi vigilante no dey ur street?

.

who could have tought that chukwudi the "younger" would be stronger than chukwudi the "older" but then... @royver the "writer" you are one of a kind.

Chukwudi the stronger... Hmmmm... Funny and nice, I can only imagine how Mr A face would be like when Chuks show up at his house perfectly sane. And by the way, is there any particular reason why you keep on using asterisk on Mr A**** name, are we gonna find out why later or do you just want us to replace the asterisk with any letters of our choice?

My God it look so real

Jeeeeeeeez Royver where the heaven are you from gosh! this is too creative.