Two weeks ago, I paid a visit to Dubai for the very
first time. Dubai is everything Lagos is not. Dubai
works: Lagos does not. Dubai is spotlessly clean:
Lagos is filthy. Dubai is bathed in gleaming
electricity. Lagos is shrouded in darkness. Dubai is
organized. Lagos is disorganized. After a few days
in Dubai, I longed to be back in Lagos.
What is the attraction of Lagos relative to a city like
Dubai? The answer is actually very simple. Lagos is
the very best city in Nigeria; the very best country
in the world. I have traveled all over the world. I
have been to the Far East, to the Middle East, to
North and Latin America and to Europe. I have been
to over 30 African countries. This qualifies me to
make this assessment. Nigeria is the very best
country in the whole wide world.
Made-in-Nigeria
There are too many things that make Nigeria
exceptional and without equal. If Nigeria were not
so wonderful, there would not have been 170
million Nigerians. Because Nigeria is such a great
country, we are determined to give birth to as many
children as possible so that even more people can
partake of the pleasures of living here. We
manufacture babies by the thousands and the
millions because we are in love with the country.
Nigerians don't commit suicide. Neither do
Nigerians ever desert Nigeria. The very worst thing
that can happen to a Nigerian is to be exiled from
the country.
Remember this: Nigeria is nobody's colony. We
refuse to be subject to nobody. We are not under
the thumb of the British, the Americans or anyone
else. Nigeria is the one African country that can be
said to be truly independent. We have nationalized
all the nationalize-ables. We own the land. There is
no foreign settler-community in Nigeria that holds
us captive. We are the kings of our castles. Our very
best products are made in Nigeria. We make our
own mistakes; make our own choices and make our
own beds.
We rig our own elections. We forge our own
passports. We buy our own lies. We deceive our
own people. We choose to live in the middle ages
and not in the 21st century. We choose to eat in
"bukas" and not in restaurants. We choose to eat
with our hands and not with forks and knives. We
choose to walk rather than fly.
Organised chaos
Nigerians are natural-born revolutionaries. We like
to struggle. We are always fighting something or
someone. We don't like the easy life. That is way
too boring. We thrive when there is chaos. We make
a profit, where there is confusion. We rise up to the
challenge, where everything is upside down. If
something is well-organised, our first assignment is
to scatter it. That gives us room to maneuver. We
can handle chaos, but order is another problem
entirely.
Nigerians hate progress. It does not agree with us.
Some smart Alec decided to introduce traffic-lights
on our roads. But when there are too many cars on
the road, the last things you need are traffic-lights
preventing people from going where they want.
Traffic-lights make drivers wait, when they should
be going. That is such a waste of time. The same
goes for traffic-wardens. When you have them
obstructing the roads, there are going to be
tailbacks. But if you want the traffic to flow, let it be
a free for all. Then you will see the ingenuity of
Nigerians. We will climb up any and every possible
place, and convert it to super-highways.
Moreover, our roads are theaters where drama is
always enacted. That means passers-by don't have
to spend money buying tickets in order to watch our
plays. You can watch a very interesting TV series
just by sitting on your balcony and watching
Nigerians negotiate their way every day. In one
afternoon, you will see David killing Goliath. You
will see Mohammed Ali fighting Joe Frazier. You will
see Arnold Schwarzenegger terminating his
opponents. You have to admit this kind of free
theater is not readily available abroad.
NEPA problem
Can you imagine a country where there is 24 hour
electricity? That is Nigeria's worst nightmare. For
years, many nincompoops have tried to convince us
to improve the electricity situation in the country,
but we have wisely refused to be taken in by such
deception. Why would we want good electricity
when most of what we do is done under the cloak of
darkness? Why should NEPA work when there are
things that need to be hidden, including the rubbish
that have taken over our roads. Any right-thinking
person knows there are serious criminal issues in
Nigeria that should not be brought to light for the
sake of national security.
Just think about it: 24 hour NEPA. How boring that
would be? Nigerians would have nothing to talk
about. We would have nothing to complain about.
We would not be able to have tales by the
moonlight. We would spend too much time
watching television. The economy would suffer
because generator sales would plummet. Those of
us making ends meet by selling diesel would be in
trouble. Generator repairmen, major contributors to
the economy, would go out of business. Spare-parts
sellers would not be able to sell even good spare-
parts, how much more fake ones. Let's face it;
should Goodluck Jonathan succeed in improving the
problem of electricity in Nigeria, it will lose him the
next election for sure. He will not even be able to
secure the nomination of PDP, which we all know is
a party of diesel-sellers and generator repairmen.
Valuable corruption
There is so much talk about corruption. But if there
were no corruption in Nigeria, there would be social
upheaval. Can you imagine a corruption-free
Nigeria? Don't even bother. It would be disastrous.
Millions would die of starvation. How can a man
sustain his family if he cannot lie, cheat and steal?
As Nigerians, it is high time we come to terms with
who we are, instead of pretending to be what we
are not.
We are a corrupt people. It is not just our leaders:
we are all corrupt. We are thieves. We love to steal.
We celebrate thieves and give them national
awards. We recognize that stealing is an art. To be a
successful thief, you have to be skillful; you have to
be ambitious; you have to be imaginative; and you
have to be courageous. We are criminals because
we are smart. We bring innovation to everything.
Nigerians know that successful thieves are men of
destiny: renowned statesmen; famous politicians;
erudite managing-directors. Therefore we eulogise
thieves. We sing their praises. We give them
chieftaincy awards. We give them our daughters as
third wives and concubines. We prefer them as our
presidents, governors and legislators. Who wants an
honest man as his representative in Abuja? That is
a sure way to ensure you will not get your share of
the national cake.
Had it not been for corruption, Nigeria would not
have survived. Corruption is the glue that holds the
fabric of the country together. It ensures that, one
way or another, we get paid. It provides a social
security system. Corruption helps us to redistribute
wealth between the rich and the poor. The rich steal
from the government; the poor steal from the rich;
and everyone is happy. If there were no corruption,
there would have been a violent revolution a long
time ago.
You can pocket a few monies from work illegally
because nobody in his right mind expects you to be
able to afford even your transportation costs from
your meager salary. If you are caught and
prosecuted, all you need to do is ask your mother to
come to work to plea-bargain for you. Thanks to
corruption, we can put food on our tables. We can
send our children to school. We can pay for the aso-
ebi. We can keep up with the fashion trends.
Traffic jams
There is one fundamental reason behind the traffic
situation in Nigeria. Nigerians are a wanted people.
Therefore, we are always on the run. Somebody
somewhere is after us and we need to make quick
getaways. We are on the run from our wives. We
are on the run from our children. We need to get
away from our extended families. But even more
urgently, we are on the run from the law. We are on
the run from the state government. We don't want
to be caught by the friend we borrowed some
money from last year.
Thank God for traffic jams. Isn't it wonderful that
you can do all your shopping while driving on the
road? How many countries do you know where you
have that kind of facility? You can even get your car
washed while on your way to work; without having
to stop or park. And if there is any problem with
your car while you are on the road, you will be
grateful that you are in Nigeria. One out of every
two Nigerian pedestrian is a London-trained
mechanic. In case you are wondering, there is
London; and then there is Osapa-London. You also
don't need any GPRS in Nigeria. Every pedestrian
knows exactly the way to where you are going. So if
you are lost, simply ask for directions and then you
will really get lost.
Conclusion
All this explains why, in spite of everything,
Nigerians are the happiest people in the world. We
are deliriously happy. Don't believe the lie.
Nigerians complain a lot about Nigeria. But that
does not mean we would have Nigeria any other
way. We complain because we love to complain. If
everything was alright about Nigeria, we would be
miserable. Let's face it, Nigerians love Nigeria.
Nigeria is the way it is because Nigerians love it so.
If it were not so, we would have made amends in
over 50 years of independence.
One last thing of the utmost importance: Nigeria is
the very best country in the world because in
Nigeria you will find Nigerians.

G

What's this one saying

During my recent trip to Nigeria, someone wrote a long article in one of the newspapers i bought about the famous Lagos state's BRT buses. The author wrote that inside the buses, it is clearly written that "preaching and fighting are prohibited".
These lines, especially the no fighting warning really got me laughing unstoppable for some minutes. Where else in the world would people be officially warned not to fight in public buses? Lagos is a city where it seems some folks wake up in the morning looking for someone to fight. Nigeria is unique in many funny ways!

iterator25: What's this one saying

Exactly what you read bro!

Good

This is total nonsense, u will rather prefer to be in this disastrous state than c a changed nigeria.. all wat you wrote is total nonsense..

Tadon200: This is total nonsense, u will rather prefer to be in this disastrous state than c a changed nigeria.. all wat you wrote is total nonsense..

Thanks!

good one had a very nice laugh.


Nigeria and Nigerians are unique in their own ways

I believe you're being sarcastic

Irony things.