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Nairaland Forum / Entertainment / Jokes Etc / Compilation Of Very Hilarious Jokes[a Must Read] (6142 Views)
Akpos Jokes! A Must Read And Post Ur Jokes / Read N Laff:- A Collection Of Hilarious Jokes / 7 Jokes A Day By King Of Jokes (2) (3) (4)
Compilation Of Very Hilarious Jokes[a Must Read] by Superstar007(m): 2:56pm On Jul 24, 2014 |
- The Illiterate Chief In a Launching Ceremony, a Chief who is an illiterate noticed that each dignitary making a donation had two titles attached to their names. For instance, Chief (Dr.) Ominigbo Omekemeke, Prof (Pastor) Owoko woko, etc. The Chief was determined not to allow anyone upstage him at the occasion. When it was his turn to speak, he took the microphone and announced; I, Late (Chief) Johnson Ozengbe Akodudu donate the sum of 500,000 Naira cash. Late Who? The hall was empty in 60 seconds!. - Akpors' letter to the Principal Dear Sir, I am very happy I write this letter to you. How are you, your wife and childs? I am write this letter to told you that am leave your school forever. Because in your school, the teachers are cane us all very hard one and sometimes I wanted to cried but my friends tell me that man is not crying so I never cry. The last time be today that we write English exams in that school that I am get 2%, teacher tell me that "my head is die". Oh it pain me too much that e tell me that thing. Shebi with this my letter, abeg principal, I suppose get 2%? I no suppose get 100%? So that is why me am go away forever to another school which are not cane people hard and do wayo for exams. On behalf of myselves, I say byes to you sir, me is going forever. Yours faithfully, Akpors!!! - Akpors and His Pastor After church service, the preacher was standing at the door as usual to shake hands. He grabbed Akpors by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" Akpors replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except during Christmas and Easter?" Akpors whispered back, "I'm an undercover agent". -Akpors and Ironman Akpors was sitting at a bar, and thinking about his life, when all of a sudden, Ironman, the town's most notorious thug came and smacked him in the face and said; That's KUNG FU, made in China. A while later, Ironman the thug smacked him again and said; That's KARATE, made in Japan. Ironman then sat at the bar and started drinking. Akpors got up and left the bar. A short time later Akpors came back and smacked Ironman, knocking him out cold and said to the barman; When he wakes up, tell him that, that was a SHOVEL, made in Aba!. - Akpors and the American lawyer An American lawyer and Akpors were sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer believed that Nigerians are so dumb that he could put something over on them easily, so the lawyer asked Akpors if he would like to play a fun game. Akpors was tired and just wanted to take a nap, so he politely declined and tried to catch a few winks. The American lawyer persisted, and said that the game has a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only 5 Dollars. You ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you 500 Dollars," he said. This caught his attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agreed to play the game. The lawyer asked the first question. "What is the distance from The Earth to the Moon? Akpors did not say a word. He dipped his hand in his pocket and pulled out 5 Dollars, and handed it to the lawyer. Now, it was Akpors' turn. He asked the lawyer; What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four? The lawyer used his laptop and searched all references he could find on the Internet. He sent e-mails to all the smart friends he knew, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gave up. He woke Akpors up and handed him 500 Dollars. Akpors pocketed the 500 Dollars and went back to sleep. The lawyer started going nuts not knowing the answer. He woke him up and asked; Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four? Akpors dipped his hand into his pocket, and handed the lawyer 5 Dollars and went back to sleep. - Conversation between Akpors and his Girlfriend On Whatsapp Akpors: Hello Angel, How are you doing? Akpors' Girlfriend: Akpors dearie, I'm fine. Akpors: Where are you? Akpors' Girlfriend: Daddy's Driver Is bringing me to school with Daddy's Range Rover Car. Akpors: Oh Angel, that is lovely. I just wanted to tell you not to pay the bus conductor. I am at your back and I have paid for the two of us. 2 Likes |
Re: Compilation Of Very Hilarious Jokes[a Must Read] by Superstar007(m): 3:01pm On Jul 24, 2014 |
- The Rabbit One day, A Rabbit was running around the forest happily when he saw a giraffe smoking marijuana "Hey" he said to the giraffe "why do you do this to yourself my friend?, just run around the forest with me, and you'll feel happier" The giraffe thought about this, left the smoke and started running with the rabbit. After a while, they came across an elephant taking heroin "hey" said the rabbit to the elephant "why do you destroy yourself with drugs?, just run around the forest with me and you'll definitely be happier" The elephant thought about this and left his drugs and started running around the forest with the rabbit. After a while, they saw Mr Lion taking coke, a powerful drug "Hey" the rabbit said to the lion "why do you punish yourself so?, just run around the forest with me and you'll feel happier" Then the lion left his drugs and started giving the rabbit the beating of his life. "Hey" said the elephant to Mr Lion "This guy is only trying to help us from taking drugs, why are you beating him up?" Then the lion said "Dont mind this idiot, thats how he makes me run around the forest with him whenever he's high" -The funny couple One day a woman wanted to know how the hubby would react if she left without telling him where she had gone. So she decided to write him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore and after writing she put the letter on the table in the bedroom before hiding under the bed... When hubby came back home, saw the letter and read it, then he also wrote something on it then began to sing and dance changing his clothes. He got his phone, dialed someone then said: "Hey babe, am just changing clothes then will join you, as for the other fool it has finally dawned on her that I was fooling around with her and has left. I was wrong really wrong to have married her, I wish I had known you earlier. See you soon honey!". The hubby walked out of the room and left. In tears and very upset, the woman got up from under the bed and decided to go and read what the hubby wrote on the letter. When she got the letter, it said: "I COULD see your feet you idiot, I am going to buy bread. Stand up, stop your silly games and prepare me a meal!! - Akpors!! Peter: "I want my money now!" Tom: I'll kill myself so that I won't pay you. Tom pulled a gun and shot himself dead Peter: "hahaha..... If you think you'll get away with my money you're wrong, I will follow you until you pay me my money. Peter takes the gun and shot himself dead as well Akpors :Who was watching from a distance laughed and said "these guys are funny, I want to watch this till the end" Akpors also took the gun and killed him self! - Akpors Vs Warden Warden: Aha! I’ve caught you stealing fish red-handed. Akpors: What do you mean by red- handed? Warden: You’ve got a bucket full of fish right here, you can not talk your way out of it this time. Akpors: Oh, you don’t understand, I’ve not stolen a thing. These are my pet fish. I bring them to the reservoir once a week for exercise. After they’ve had a good swim, they come back to the bucket and we go back home. I can prove it. Akpors dipped the bucket in and the fishes swam away. They both stood in silence for 20, 30, 40 minutes…..No sign of the fish coming back to the bucket. Warden: Aha, you're lying rogue! You stole the fishes Akpors: What fish? Where is your proof?? - Mikel and Yobo After their return from Brazil World cup, the Super Eagles were so ashamed of their defeat that they decided to disguise themselves so as not to be recognized. Mikel disguised himself as a monk and was walking on the street when suddenly an old lady walked up to him and said "Mikel how far na?". Mikel was so surprised that he ran away annoyed that the old woman could recognize him despite his disguise. Disappointed, he went home and dressed as a pregnant woman, again he bumped into the same old lady and she said, "Mikel how far na, see as you just run the other day". Confused and frustrated Mikel asked "but mama how do you keep recognizing me despite my disguises"? The old lady replied: "Hahaha, Mikel na wa for you oh, look me well na, It's me Yobo". Click Here To Join Us On facebook for More Interesting Stuffs feel free to add yours |
Re: Compilation Of Very Hilarious Jokes[a Must Read] by Superstar007(m): 5:52pm On Jul 24, 2014 |
Why Some Husbands Avoid Questions From Their Wives; Wife: What will you do if I die? Will you get married again? Husband: No! Wife: Why not? Don't you like being married? Husband: Of course I do. Wife: Then why wouldn't you remarry? Husband: Okay, okay, I will get married again. Wife: Will you live in our house with your new Wife? Husband: Yes, It is a beautiful house. Wife: Will you let her drive my car? Husband: Yes, It is a nice one. Wife: Will you give her my jewelries? Husband: No! I am sure she will want her own. Wife: Will she wear my shoes? Husband : No, her size is '41'. Wife: What? Husband: Shit! Oh my God! I am finished! - AKPORS IN A BIBLE STUDY CLASS Teacher: What is the surname of Lazarus that Jesus rose from the death? Akpors: COMFORT Teacher: What makes you think so? Akpors: Read your bible carefully sir, when Jesus called Lazarus he included his surname Teacher: How? Akpors: He called him with a loud voice saying "LAZARUS COMFORT(come forth)" - A conversation between an angry wife (Ekaette) to her husband (Akpors) on phone. Ekaette: Where the hell are you? ... Akpors: Honey, you remember that gold shop where u saw the diamond necklace & totally fell in love with it? Ekaette (relaxed): Yes, my king Akpors: Remember I had no cash To buy it for you that day & I said I will buy it for you next time? Ekaette (totally relaxed with a smile & a blush): Yes I remember my love! Akpors: Good, I am in a beer palour next to that shop! -Keep the motor Running A white man 80 years of age married a young white lady. A year later he carried her to the hospital, and she had a baby. The nurse said to the man, "At your age, how do you do that?" The man answered "You just have to keep the motor running." Another year passed, and the man carried her back to the hospital to deliver another baby. The same nurse said to the man and asked "you are something else, how do you do that?" He said "I told you that you just have to keep the motor running." Another year and they went back to the hospital for another baby. The same nurse said "you are unbelievable, how do you do that?!" He said "you got to keep the motor running." She answered "Well, you better change oil, because this one came out black." YOU KNOW IT'S A NIGERIA MOVIE WHEN: ~ A man shoots himself on the head 3 times...Habaaa !!!!!!! How in the world is that possible? ~ RMD remembering when he was still 7years old as far back as 1960 and suddenly a HUMMER passes in front of him....... Chinekeee! ~ Patience Ozokwor poisons Zark Orji's food, she stirs the poison so that it will circulate to all parts of the meal and then she tastes it, Zack Orji dies while she survives, Nawaa oo ~ Someone flashes back to 1982 and behind him is a sign board "Vote for Goodluck Jonathan" Hmmmm ~ A 7year old character is washing plates and he suddenly becomes an adult in his 20's still washing the same plates and wearing the same trousers... ~ Omotola is depicted as a poor woman suffering in the village and has to do serious farm work to survive only for you to see that her fingernails are fixed with long plastic nails and painted crimson red. ~ Tonto Dike acting a born again village girl, yet has tattoos on her body. ~ Someone dies with low cut and his spirit comes back wearing afro... Na wetin? ~ A woman suddenly decides to poison her husband, then she opens her food cabinet and brings out the substance. Is poison part of cooking ingredients? ~ They shoot you on the leg yet blood starts coming out from your nose. ~ John Okafor (Mr Ibu) is the father of Nkem Owoh (Osofia). Biko who is older? ~ You must cough before you die.. ~ Patience Uzokwu....flashed back to when she waz 17 and playing ....but she is wearing brazilian hair in 1975........... .......na wetin? - Fun Quotes Only a courageous woman can fry a bunch of plantain without tasting any - Albert Einstein (1872). He who says nothing lasts forever has never tried d Hausa perfume - Isaac Newton (1904). He who fully unwraps a sharwama completely before eating it cannot keep a secret - Abraham Lincoln (1864). Any man that uses his teeth to cut shaki from pepper-soup with his eyes wide open is not afraid of anything - Martin Luther King Jnr (1900). Anyone who thinks he has many enemies has never been with a mountain of fire member - William Shakespeare (1788). Anyone who graduated without experiencing a strike probably has never been to Nigeria - Lord Lugard (1904). He who asks for stew on top of jollof rice has trust issues - Alexander the III 1709). He who refuses to classify Agege bread n Akara as a type of sandwich is a racist - Martin Luther king Jnr (1931). Any man who drinks alomo bitters without squeezing his face, is capable of murder....obasa njo(1999) Drinking Garri doesnt mean you're poor, but allowing the garri to swell- up before drinking is Poverty - Queen Elizabeth (1893). He who runs around looking for scissors to cut indomie seasoning sachets is not yet hungry - (Sir Dr Nnamdi Azikiwe 1947) Nigeria was never on the map when God said LET THERE BE LIGHT -Buhari (1980) No mata how hot your temper is, it cannot cook yam. -Goodluck Jonathan (2013) Anyone that reads this without laughing, that person is looking for a job - Lord Lugard (1914) ... Keep smiling - The Old man Akpors' father, his mother, and their eight children, were waiting for bus at a bus stop. After a few minutes, an old man walking with the aid of a walking stick joined them. When the bus came, it was almost filled up. Only Akpors' mother and his seven siblings were able to enter. Akpors' father, the old man and Akpors, resorted to walking. As they were walking Akpors' father got irritated by the ticking of the walking stick of the old man and said to him; Sir, that ticking sound is driving me crazy. Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick. The old man with provocation shouted at Akpors' father; Shut up and keep walking. If you had put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick we would be sitting in the bus now. - Akpors the Rich man A very rich man Akpors parked his new lexus in front of his office ready to show it off to his collegues, as Akpors got out a trailer passed too close and completety tore off the door, the Akpors immediately grabbed his cell phone, called the police, and they arrived. Before the officer could say anything Akpors was screaming hysteriacally, my lexus!, my lexus!, will never be the same again no matter what the panel -beater does to it, the officer just looked at Akpors in disgust and shook his head, I cant believe how materialistic you are, he said, you are so focused on your possessions that you dont notice anything else. How can you say such athing? dont you know that your left arm is missing from your elbow down, it must have been torn off when the truck hit you..........., oh my God replied Akpors, "MY ROLEX" wrist watch is also missing. - Husband Vs Wife A man who always complains that he suffers alot at work to bring home something to eat while his wife stays home and does does nothing else but eats and gets fat, prayed to God; "Father I am not saying am not happy being a man, but the problem is I suffer alot while my wife stays home relax. Lord I will like to exchange with my wife, make me the wife and her the husband so that she can suffer too." God in his infinite mercy granted his request and the next morning he became a woman(the wife). He( the wife) got up very early, got the children up, bathed them, made breakfast 4 all, fed the children, served the husband, took de children to school, went to the market, cleaned the house, made lunch, collected the children from school, gave them lunch, did their homework, and so on. And at night He(the wife) also had to satisfied the husband on the bed even though He was very tired. The next morning He prayed to God; " Father I know i have sinned by asking u to exchange me with my wife. Now I know what it means to be a woman, Please make me back to be a Man" But God said "Sorry my dear you will have to wait for nine months because last night you got yourself pregnant." - Akpors the Radio Presenter A man called into Akpors' radio programme and the following conversation ensued: PRESENTER AKPORS: What's your contribution? CALLER: There is this lady I wanted in my life shortly after my NYSC, But all my efforts proved abortive. She wouldn’t pick my calls, she would laugh at me while passing by for reasons best known to her. Five months later, I was able to get an apartment, get a new car courtesy of a contract job I secured with a major oil company. Now most of the missed calls I have are hers, barrage of sms and all that. I am confused on what to do. Please advise me. PRESENTER AKPORS: Listen up, give her a call letting her know you will be at her house in 2hrs time. When it’s time call her up and delay for another 2hrs. Take a cool Shower, wear a nice outfit and attention catching perfume. When it’s time drive to her house, walk to her door and knock, once she opens, with d sexiest smile you’ve got, look stylishly into her eyes, draw her slowly to yourself, take your mouth close to her ear and whisper, ”Thunder fire you, idiot”. - The funny Couple A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years . He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to the chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets up and goes into the bathroom. while he's there, the husband tells his wife "listen honey this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! he probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." if he Wants sex don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you . satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. if he gets angry he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you. To which his wife responds; "he wasn't kissing. my neck he was whispering in my ear. He told he was a gay, thought you were cute, asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom Be strong honey I love you too!! - Akpors and The Police men Police Men were chasing a thief (Akpos) that escaped from prison at night. Akpos ran into a nearby cemetary, stripped naked and sat on a grave. When the police got there, they asked; Did you see anybody that ran pass you?. Akpos replied; No. I'm a visitor. I was buried yesterday. The heat is too much inside my grave. I came outside to receive fresh air. The police men took to their heels. 1 Like |
Re: Compilation Of Very Hilarious Jokes[a Must Read] by Superstar007(m): 8:08am On Jul 25, 2014 |
Don't just view, drop your comments too |
Re: Compilation Of Very Hilarious Jokes[a Must Read] by josh001(m): 7:50pm On Jul 25, 2014 |
the high rabbit got my ribs cracking |
Re: Compilation Of Very Hilarious Jokes[a Must Read] by bollyano(f): 8:57am On Jul 26, 2014 |
these got me cracking my ribs. |
Re: Compilation Of Very Hilarious Jokes[a Must Read] by Nobody: 11:25pm On Jul 26, 2014 |
the rabbit joke is very funny..lol |
Re: Compilation Of Very Hilarious Jokes[a Must Read] by Adrenaline123(m): 8:34pm On Jul 27, 2014 |
Comfort got me |
Re: Compilation Of Very Hilarious Jokes[a Must Read] by Superstar007(m): 9:06am On Jul 29, 2014 |
^^^Thanks for dropping your comments |
Re: Compilation Of Very Hilarious Jokes[a Must Read] by Nobody: 10:09am On Jul 29, 2014 |
I like the Rabbit joke, good job |
Re: Compilation Of Very Hilarious Jokes[a Must Read] by Nobody: 10:09am On Jul 29, 2014 |
The first one was really funny |
Re: Compilation Of Very Hilarious Jokes[a Must Read] by armadeo(m): 12:11pm On Jul 29, 2014 |
I like the rubber over the cane joke |
Re: Compilation Of Very Hilarious Jokes[a Must Read] by Superstar007(m): 12:49pm On Jul 29, 2014 |
cheryl1: The first one was really funny HeY bae. . . Where have you been? |
Re: Compilation Of Very Hilarious Jokes[a Must Read] by Nobody: 12:50pm On Jul 29, 2014 |
Superstar007:My phone had a problem |
Re: Compilation Of Very Hilarious Jokes[a Must Read] by Superstar007(m): 12:53pm On Jul 29, 2014 |
cheryl1: Good to have you back. I hope the problem has been rectified? |
(1) (Reply)
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