aisha2: Same Bible tells Nigerian parents NO TO UPSET their children to anger but just like "love your wife" is downplayed with "wives submit" so is "dont provoke your children to anger" downplayed with "children obey your parents"
The Bible is balanced let us not make it into some control manual

I agree. I think this writers case is a bit extreme but I believe there has to be some balance with parenting.

One thing that I could not fathom then ( maybe its a yoruba thing though) is that the adult or older person can never be wrong and as such even if the older person or adult is in the wrong the younger person has to apologise first.My dad was a bit more liberal and would aplogise immediately if he found out he was wrong. My mum on the other hand was traditional to the core and even if she overreacted in some cases her apology was always prompted by your apology as parents cant be seen to show weakness by apologising first.Whats weakness in admitting you might be wrong?

I agree children need boundaries, a parent is a parent and not a friend and as such you have to discipline a child when they err. But refusing to apologise first (after something like a false accusation) just shows a child that they can become autocratic as an adult.

Before people jump on my post and say I want kids to rule, children follow examples and if you never apologise as the person in authority you are teaching them that people in authority can get away with anything. Hence the bully husbands, bully housegirl madams, bully teachers, bully policeman we all complain about.

Some parents still needs parenting.

Arsenate: this zboyd is a feminist with an anti family agenda on nairaland. I advice y'all to always read her thread with caution . just have that feeling that she is always up to no good.
loooooooool

one should b very careful cos dis kind of post tend 2 demoralized children towards thr parents.......no amount of authority is 2much by parents on thr child cos Allah commanded us in d Quran dat " none is worthy of our worship except him and we should b good towards our parents ". Wat diz means is dat we should respect them, relate wt them in d best of manner cos we should nt 4get d fact dat some parents r bad and it does nt mean disregard and disrespect them.
Also we must always do thr wills except whn it go against d rules of almighty Allah....most importantly we should knw one day we wil also becum parents and we treat our parents is the way our children will treat us...may God help us

damiso:
I agree. I think this writers case is a bit extreme but I believe there has to be some balance with parenting.
One thing that I could not fathom then ( maybe its a yoruba thing though) is that the adult or older person can never be wrong and as such even if the older person or adult is in the wrong the younger person has to apologise first.My dad was a bit more liberal and would aplogise immediately if he found out he was wrong. My mum on the other hand was traditional to the core and even if she overreacted in some cases her apology was always prompted by your apology as parents cant be seen to show weakness by apologising first.Whats weakness in admitting you might be wrong?
I agree children need boundaries, a parent is a parent and not a friend and as such you have to discipline a child when they err. But refusing to apologise first (after something like a false accusation) just shows a child that they can become autocratic as an adult.
Before people jump on my post and say I want kids to rule, children follow examples and if you never apologise as the person in authority you are teaching them that people in authority can get away with anything. Hence the bully husbands, bully housegirl madams, bully teachers, bully policeman we all complain about.

I agree, you talk with grown men and women who have so much surpressed anger because they are very hurt and society says "shut up, its your parents" and we have parents who know they did wrong but feel too proud to admit or apologise to their kids.

I know someone who kept using this bible verse to terrorise her kids, she would beat them like goats and the next day quote this bible verse at devotion threaten them with death if they should complain or even express hurt and pain, one day one of the children took the bible and read this passage of "Parents do not provoke your children to anger" the rage she displayed that day was shocking, yet it was the same words from the same bible, why should it work for her and not for them? Why should she assume she has the liberty to beat them up for every little offence and they shouldnt have the liberty to also seek protection from the bible from her flights of rage?

Its the same thing with Submission and Love. For years Men were pastors and so hammered on submission submission and submission because it worked for them. Now women are saying oya this bible says "Love" unconditionally in return for submission and it is suddenly an issue as if the world will crash.

God is not one sided, if a passage in the bible works for you only because it gives you the right to control and dominate others then you need help.

My mum's a typical example. Since I got married, she's been a thorn in my flesh. It's gotten so bad that I've decided to keep her out of my life for good and focus on building my own family. She still wants to control my life and make all the decisions in my home. She sits down and picks fault in everything my wife does and even cooks up stories to discredit my wife in my eyes. She claims that she wants to maintain a relationship with only me without my wife. She starts a fight with me and calls everybody I have introduced her to or she has introduced me to, to discredit me, just to rally people on her side. There were so many other things she did that I cannot mention here. I completely agree with the op.

agreed -little If not cus of ma oldies CHINENYE fo Don carri ?

balispecial: one should b very careful cos dis kind of post tend 2 demoralized children towards thr parents.......no amount of authority is 2much by parents on thr child cos Allah commanded us in d Quran dat " none is worthy of our worship except him and we should b good towards our parents ". Wat diz means is dat we should respect them, relate wt them in d best of manner cos we should nt 4get d fact dat some parents r bad and it does nt mean disregard and disrespect them.
Also we must always do thr wills except whn it go against d rules of almighty Allah....most importantly we should knw one day we wil also becum parents and we treat our parents is the way our children will treat us...may God help us

Geez, enough about what some book, written centuries ago did or did not say about parenting. Can't you people think for yourselves?!

Is it not the same ilk of advice from your book that a certain group is using to terrorizing the country now. You people should get your religious house in order before giving any advice AT ALL!

zboyd: A Nigerian based in South Africa has expressed her view on the issue of having a fair share in the "parent-child-discord". The author reveals her odd relationship with her mum, asserting that a good number of Nigerian parents are the root of many evil-rooted thoughts of their children towards them.

Do Nigerian Parents Exert Too Much Authority Over Their Children?
By Folakemi Ibrahim

In light of the story about 21-year old Tolani Ajayi (pictured below), a student of the Department of History and International Relations, Redeemer University, RCCG Camp, Ogun State who killed his father on Tuesday July 3rd, I will like to share a little bit of my story to educate many parents on the dangers of abusing their power and authority over their children. I believe there are a lot of people with stories similar like mine will have the courage to speak out after they read my story, and they will also realize that they are not alone in their experience.

While the action of the RCCG student was despicable and evil, the truth of what led to it may never be known, but I believe there is an opportunity for a lot of people to learn from that unfortunate story about how parents can sometimes push their children to the extreme limits. While my experience did not end up a tragedy as that of this unfortunate young man, I believe it might have had the same underlying tone and pattern.

I am a 40-year-old successful woman who is based in South Africa. I’m happily married to a wonderful man and just had a bouncing baby girl. I have a good life and I love my life, but the only thorn in my life is my relationship with my mother. I grew up having a very toxic relationship with my mum, a relationship that soured after her divorce from my dad while I was a child. After the divorce my mother took all the children with her and for some reason singled me out by physically and emotionally abusing me repeatedly. She believed I had a lot in common with my dad, whom she hated with a passion.

I grew up in a home where my mother will call me various malicious names, and repeatedly tell me I will not amount to anything in life. She once told me she wishes she had aborted me when she was pregnant. I remember being chased out of the house as a teenager and left to sleep outside alone overnight for not properly doing house chores.

This toxic relationship endured into my adulthood. I grew up never having the opportunity to have all the beautiful things a relationship with one’s mother can bring; every time something great was happening in my life my mother was always there around the corner to “pour sand in it”. She went as far as cancelling my wedding a few times because I would not invite one of her friends to it. She has managed to destroy every meaningful relationship I have with all my siblings and extended family members by telling lies about me and going on a campaign of ensuring I am cut off from everyone. All attempts over the years by family members to show her that she was being malicious to me went on deaf ears. She spent most of the discussions denying everything and convincing everyone that I am a liar.

I have personally approached her on several occasions to see if I could get her to change but that also failed. Not too long ago she claimed that she came to visit my family and, since I was pregnant with my daughter and close to delivery, my mother was always around and almost destroyed my marriage by sowing seeds of discord between me and my husband. She went as far as gossiping about me with everyone that cared to listen. This included my friends and neighbours. It became so stressful for me that I couldn’t take it anymore. She did not even consider that I was heavily pregnant.

One fateful day I told her she had to leave out of my house and my life before she manages to destroy the best things in my life. Until she repents and realizes the errors in her ways, I was not willing to relate with her again. While it was disheartening for me to take that action it was the most liberating thing I have ever done. Rather than repent, my mother ha again has gone on a campaign of letting her minions know that I “chased” her out of my home and that I’m so ungrateful after all she had done for me. Sometimes when you push a child to the wall you never know what they might do, while I could never dream of killing my mum, the anger and rage she evoked in me could have easily led me to a dark place, if not for the grace of God.

The general idea of a mother is someone who is nurturing and ever loving. My experience have been far from that. There are things my mother did that I cannot even add to this write-up. A lot of Nigerian parents do not know anything about parenting a child; their mentality is that you should raise a child the way your parents raised you. This approach involves flogging the child and abusing him/her emotionally, as one wishes; there is nothing systematic to it. While some of these children grow up and forgive their parents, even going as far as replicating their upbringing on their own kids, some realize that things could have been different and are willing to stop the cycle.

Do you agree with this author's point of view?

Source: naij.com

the probability of a parent being murdered by a child is over 70% higher in America than in Nigeria and we all know how they treat their kids

A good example is my dad, too much authority over his children especially me

aisha2:

I agree, you talk with grown men and women who have so much surpressed anger because they are very hurt and society says "shut up, its your parents" and we have parents who know they did wrong but feel too proud to admit or apologise to their kids.

I know someone who kept using this bible verse to terrorise her kids, she would beat them like goats and the next day quote this bible verse at devotion threaten them with death if they should complain or even express hurt and pain, one day one of the children took the bible and read this passage of "Parents do not provoke your children to anger" the rage she displayed that day was shocking, yet it was the same words from the same bible, why should it work for her and not for them? Why should she assume she has the liberty to beat them up for every little offence and they shouldnt have the liberty to also seek protection from the bible from her flights of rage?

Its the same thing with Submission and Love. For years Men were pastors and so hammered on submission submission and submission because it worked for them. Now women are saying oya this bible says "Love" unconditionally in return for submission and it is suddenly an issue as if the world will crash.

God is not one sided, if a passage in the bible works for you only because it gives you the right to control and dominate others then you need help.

I believe Nigerians esp those of us who call ourselves people of faith need a reorientation. While I agree that abusive marital relationships are an issue I think its a byproduct of being a very authoritian society.Ask that madam who abuses her house girl its discpline, ask the man who beats his wife its discpline, ask the soldier who slaps okada rider its discpline, ask the oga who shouts at his driver calls him idi.ot its displine.

A person in authority can never be questioned. That is the bane of our society and even though the western model on the other hand allows too many liberties, we as a people need to find a balance.

olu77: I agree with the author that several parents have wrong attitude to parenting

Yeah. But the content of this thread has nothing to do with its topic. Some parents are cold to their children. It happens all over the world.
The mod that brought this thread to the frontpage must v F9 in Literature if he/she sat for it in WAEC.
Last Bullet
The title is misleading

godjohnson: the probability of a parent being murdered by a child is over 70% higher in America than in Nigeria and we all know how they treat their kids

thank you. Zboyd, this post is meant for you cos your mission to destroy the african family structure will fail. No wonder people of the middle east don't western culture. No anti-feminist thread on FP. Seun, have they bought you?

damiso:
I believe Nigerians esp those of us who call ourselves people of faith need a reorientation. While I agree that abusive marital relationships are an issue I think its a byproduct of being a very authoritian society.Ask that madam who abuses her house girl its discpline, ask the man who beats his wife its discpline, ask the soldier who slaps okada rider its discpline, ask the oga who shouts at his driver calls him idi.ot its displine.
A person in authority can never be questioned. That is the bane of our society and even though the western model on the other hand allows too many liberties, we as a people need to find a balance.

Gbam, even the leaders who rap-e and steal us blind will bring out the bible verse that says we shouldnt question them but pray for them. The Leader will ignore the part about social justice and accountability and how Jesus stOod against evil and bad leadership. The wicked madam will quote the verse that says servants should obey their masters and ignore the part that says masters should be fair to their servants and never delay their wages.
The Bible is a tool for most of us to perpetuate our nastiness. The fire spitting Christain will ignore "Love your enemies" and pray for evil to scatter imaginery enemies most of which they created for themselves with nasty communication and actually rejoice when the percieved enemy loses a loved one or faces a misfortune forgetting that all of us will face same

There are parents like that of the OP but what many fail to understand is that, some of(if not all) of those parents are frustrated, depressed and what not, thereby pouring their venom on the children who they may see as the cause of their problems. Take the OP's case as an example, the woman hated her husband, saw him in the daughter and started treating her the way she would the man, if only we have the appropriate means of detecting and treating some illness in this country, things for better pass as e be.

Yes i have to agree... Majority of Nigerian parents are over-bearing!

Yes Especially the rich ones....e.g mIne

Exactly.
The people in authority in each situation tend to downplay the gospel aimed at them and hype the ones that benefit them.




I'll NEVER hit my kids.
The rod of the bible doesn't literally mean a physical rod. And for all our high handedness,Nigerian kids aren't the best in the world.

aisha2: Same Bible tells Nigerian parents NO TO UPSET their children to anger but just like "love your wife" is downplayed with "wives submit" so is "dont provoke your children to anger" downplayed with "children obey your parents"
The Bible is balanced let us not make it into some control manual

I agree with the OP joor, Most Nigerian parents see their children as either slaves/minions or as competitors for the husbands'/fathers love (especially mothers and daughters) and become downright bitchy, all the while quoting scripture to back up their actions.

They keep saying things like 'when you grow up, you will understand that it is out of love', well I'm grown now and still don't understand how that is love.

Smh

eighTHREAD: thank you. Zboyd, this post is meant for you cos your mission to destroy the african family structure will fail. No wonder people of the middle east don't western culture. No anti-feminist thread on FP. Seun, have they bought you?

That woman is not a mother simple. Everything is all about striking the right balance. A level of control and a level of freedom is ok for raising a godly child.

I DISAGREE!!!!

IF THERE ARE DOING TOO MUCH AND NAIJA IS LIKE THIS, WHAT WILL NOW HAPPEN IF THEY LESSEN IT?

olu77: I agree with the author that several parents have wrong attitude to parenting

cococandy: Exactly.
I'll NEVER hit my kids.
The rod of the bible doesn't literally mean a physical rod. And for all our high handedness,Nigerian kids aren't the best in the world.

So who are the best in the world

Certainly not Nigerian kids.
Maybe most docile or meek or agreeable(in their childhood) than kids in the west.
But certainly not better.
Too much control over kids affects their IQ development.
Our adults here are not better so one has to question our upbringing from infancy. we see parents here telling their children from childhood what they are to study in the university.
Impressing upon them from infancy that they aren't allowed to think for themselves.


Each system has it's merits like has already been trashed out in the other thread. No need going over them again.

BTW. I believe in punishment. Hitting isn't one I endorse.

pickabeau1:

So who are the best in the world

What is your index of 'betterness'

Are you talking of intellect, agreeability, IQ, parental involvement

Are you saying Nigerian kids dont think for themselves or some?

Have you interacted personally with foreigners and know first hand about this touted thinking capacity.. a lot of them ive met dont know much about what is really going on about their government...

Are you agreeing that you are lesser than another woman in another country because you happen to be Nigerian?

cococandy: Certainly not Nigerian kids.
Maybe most docile or meek or agreeable(in their childhood) than kids in the west.
But certainly not better.
Too much control over kids affects their IQ development.
Our adults here are not better so one has to question our upbringing from infancy. we see parents here telling their children from childhood what they are to study in the university.
Impressing upon them from infancy that they aren't allowed to think for themselves.


Each system has it's merits like has already been trashed out in the other thread. No need going over them again.

BTW. I believe in punishment. Hitting isn't one I endorse.

zboyd: A Nigerian based in South Africa has expressed her view on the issue of having a fair share in the "parent-child-discord". The author reveals her odd relationship with her mum, asserting that a good number of Nigerian parents are the root of many evil-rooted thoughts of their children towards them.

Do Nigerian Parents Exert Too Much Authority Over Their Children?
By Folakemi Ibrahim

In light of the story about 21-year old Tolani Ajayi (pictured below), a student of the Department of History and International Relations, Redeemer University, RCCG Camp, Ogun State who killed his father on Tuesday July 3rd, I will like to share a little bit of my story to educate many parents on the dangers of abusing their power and authority over their children. I believe there are a lot of people with stories similar like mine will have the courage to speak out after they read my story, and they will also realize that they are not alone in their experience.

While the action of the RCCG student was despicable and evil, the truth of what led to it may never be known, but I believe there is an opportunity for a lot of people to learn from that unfortunate story about how parents can sometimes push their children to the extreme limits. While my experience did not end up a tragedy as that of this unfortunate young man, I believe it might have had the same underlying tone and pattern.

I am a 40-year-old successful woman who is based in South Africa. I’m happily married to a wonderful man and just had a bouncing baby girl. I have a good life and I love my life, but the only thorn in my life is my relationship with my mother. I grew up having a very toxic relationship with my mum, a relationship that soured after her divorce from my dad while I was a child. After the divorce my mother took all the children with her and for some reason singled me out by physically and emotionally abusing me repeatedly. She believed I had a lot in common with my dad, whom she hated with a passion.

I grew up in a home where my mother will call me various malicious names, and repeatedly tell me I will not amount to anything in life. She once told me she wishes she had aborted me when she was pregnant. I remember being chased out of the house as a teenager and left to sleep outside alone overnight for not properly doing house chores.

This toxic relationship endured into my adulthood. I grew up never having the opportunity to have all the beautiful things a relationship with one’s mother can bring; every time something great was happening in my life my mother was always there around the corner to “pour sand in it”. She went as far as cancelling my wedding a few times because I would not invite one of her friends to it. She has managed to destroy every meaningful relationship I have with all my siblings and extended family members by telling lies about me and going on a campaign of ensuring I am cut off from everyone. All attempts over the years by family members to show her that she was being malicious to me went on deaf ears. She spent most of the discussions denying everything and convincing everyone that I am a liar.

I have personally approached her on several occasions to see if I could get her to change but that also failed. Not too long ago she claimed that she came to visit my family and, since I was pregnant with my daughter and close to delivery, my mother was always around and almost destroyed my marriage by sowing seeds of discord between me and my husband. She went as far as gossiping about me with everyone that cared to listen. This included my friends and neighbours. It became so stressful for me that I couldn’t take it anymore. She did not even consider that I was heavily pregnant.

One fateful day I told her she had to leave out of my house and my life before she manages to destroy the best things in my life. Until she repents and realizes the errors in her ways, I was not willing to relate with her again. While it was disheartening for me to take that action it was the most liberating thing I have ever done. Rather than repent, my mother ha again has gone on a campaign of letting her minions know that I “chased” her out of my home and that I’m so ungrateful after all she had done for me. Sometimes when you push a child to the wall you never know what they might do, while I could never dream of killing my mum, the anger and rage she evoked in me could have easily led me to a dark place, if not for the grace of God.

The general idea of a mother is someone who is nurturing and ever loving. My experience have been far from that. There are things my mother did that I cannot even add to this write-up. A lot of Nigerian parents do not know anything about parenting a child; their mentality is that you should raise a child the way your parents raised you. This approach involves flogging the child and abusing him/her emotionally, as one wishes; there is nothing systematic to it. While some of these children grow up and forgive their parents, even going as far as replicating their upbringing on their own kids, some realize that things could have been different and are willing to stop the cycle.

Do you agree with this author's point of view?

Source: naij.com

huun na wa ooooo

Like I said each system has it's merits.
Unless you're reading with bias,it means there's something good about each side.
We think they are too liberal so we push with all our might to control our kids
They think we are too controlling so they let the kids have their say in all decisions even the ones they are too young to make.
Meaning that each side needs to work on their system.
It is clear in my post.

How could you have missed that?

And for all our strictness and harshness,
We are definitely not better than others white or red or whatever color they come in.
If that to you means they are better than us,na you sabi. I don't believe they are.
I just believe we need to balance our systems.

pickabeau1: What is your index of 'betterness'

Are you talking of intellect, agreeability, IQ, parental involvement

Are you saying Nigerian kids dont think for themselves or some?

Have you interacted personally with foreigners and know first hand about this touted thinking capacity.. a lot of them ive met dont know much about what is really going on about their government...

Are you agreeing that you are lesser than another woman in another country because you happen to be Nigerian?

I am not a wizard so i will only read what you have posted

I agree that each system has its merits.. its not bias as you did not jighlight any positive of the naija system whichis not the original post

I was not abused, other posters have said they were not abused.. where you abused?

Do you want me to bring up posts of people abused in the US or UK and use that as th benchmark for these countries

Why focus on extremes when the norm is way better
There are some issues with our system and improvement is needed but calling our system crap is unwholesome

I dont believe in strictness and harshness
You may need to explore further and read up about white sothern christians in the US who also use capital punishment
Guess they are nigerian too..


I will have given u some links but i am not sure you will read them

cococandy: Like I said each system has it's merits.
Unless you're reading with bias,it means there's something good about each side.
We think they are too liberal so we push with all our might to control our kids
They think we are too controlling so they let the kids have their say in all decisions even the ones they are too young to make.
Meaning that each side needs to work on their system.
It is clear in my post.

How could you have missed that?

And for all our strictness and harshness,
We are definitely not better than others white or red or whatever color they come in.
If that to you means they are better than us,na you sabi. I don't believe they are.
I just believe we need to balance our systems.

pickabeau1: I am not a wizard so i will only read what you have posted

I said each system has it merits. I posted it there.


I agree that each system has its merits.. its not bias as you did not jighlight any positive of the naija system whichis not the original post

and I believe you were presnt in the other thread where it was trashed out. Hence I said no need to go over them again

I was not abused, other posters have said they were not abused.. where you abused?

I was whipped on the palm of my hands. By dad and school teachers. It's not proper because now that I look back,it didn't stop me from being stubborn.I know we don't call it abuse here but thatw what it is.

Do you want me to bring up posts of people abused in the US or UK and use that as th benchmark for these countries

and you're assuming that I think their system is flawless?

Why focus on extremes when the norm is way better
There are some issues with our system and improvement is needed but calling our system crap is unwholesome

for someone who said there are merits to our own system,I don't believe this line is for me. If you see anyone saying everything about our systems is crap,tell that to them

I dont believe in strictness and harshness
You may need to explore further and read up about white sothern christians in the US who also use capital punishment
Guess they are nigerian too..

assuming again that I think their system is the best.

I will have given u some links but i am not sure you will read them

I wonder why you're on the defensive.I merely said our high handed system of parenting hasn't made us better than the rest of the world.
So we may need to adjust somethings.
That's all.

I got the best Mum. My girlfriend got a mother she can never stay in peace with. I always felt so surprised when issues happen between the two of them cos I found it hard o believe she was her mother. Anyway whichever situation u are in, pray for God's grace to bear it and if u are like me, be grateful and thankful to God for your Mum and always treat her well. If you are like my friend, try to use love and change your mum's bitterness. God bless

cococandy:

I wonder why you're on the defensive.I merely said our high handed system of parenting hasn't made us better than the rest of the world.
So we may need to adjust somethings.
That's all.

I am not being defensive. I just responded to your post on one system being better than another

Which thread have you been referring to all this while.. I am not aware

There you are.
I didn't say any system was better.

I only pointed out the flaws in ours.

I don't have the link to that thread. As coogar.

pickabeau1:

I am not being defensive. I just responded to your post on one system being better than another

Which thread have you been referring to all this while.. I am not aware