cococandy: There you are.
I didn't say any system was better.

I only pointed out the flaws in ours.

I don't have the link to that thread. As coogar.

damiso:

I believe Nigerians esp those of us who call ourselves people of faith need a reorientation. While I agree that abusive marital relationships are an issue I think its a byproduct of being a very authoritian society.Ask that madam who abuses her house girl its discpline, ask the man who beats his wife its discpline, ask the soldier who slaps okada rider its discpline, ask the oga who shouts at his driver calls him idi.ot its displine.

A person in authority can never be questioned. That is the bane of our society and even though the western model on the other hand allows too many liberties, we as a people need to find a balance.

zboyd: A Nigerian based in South Africa has expressed her view on the issue of having a fair share in the "parent-child-discord". The author reveals her odd relationship with her mum, asserting that a good number of Nigerian parents are the root of many evil-rooted thoughts of their children towards them.

Do Nigerian Parents Exert Too Much Authority Over Their Children?
By Folakemi Ibrahim

In light of the story about 21-year old Tolani Ajayi (pictured below), a student of the Department of History and International Relations, Redeemer University, RCCG Camp, Ogun State who killed his father on Tuesday July 3rd, I will like to share a little bit of my story to educate many parents on the dangers of abusing their power and authority over their children. I believe there are a lot of people with stories similar like mine will have the courage to speak out after they read my story, and they will also realize that they are not alone in their experience.

While the action of the RCCG student was despicable and evil, the truth of what led to it may never be known, but I believe there is an opportunity for a lot of people to learn from that unfortunate story about how parents can sometimes push their children to the extreme limits. While my experience did not end up a tragedy as that of this unfortunate young man, I believe it might have had the same underlying tone and pattern.

I am a 40-year-old successful woman who is based in South Africa. I’m happily married to a wonderful man and just had a bouncing baby girl. I have a good life and I love my life, but the only thorn in my life is my relationship with my mother. I grew up having a very toxic relationship with my mum, a relationship that soured after her divorce from my dad while I was a child. After the divorce my mother took all the children with her and for some reason singled me out by physically and emotionally abusing me repeatedly. She believed I had a lot in common with my dad, whom she hated with a passion.

I grew up in a home where my mother will call me various malicious names, and repeatedly tell me I will not amount to anything in life. She once told me she wishes she had aborted me when she was pregnant. I remember being chased out of the house as a teenager and left to sleep outside alone overnight for not properly doing house chores.

This toxic relationship endured into my adulthood. I grew up never having the opportunity to have all the beautiful things a relationship with one’s mother can bring; every time something great was happening in my life my mother was always there around the corner to “pour sand in it”. She went as far as cancelling my wedding a few times because I would not invite one of her friends to it. She has managed to destroy every meaningful relationship I have with all my siblings and extended family members by telling lies about me and going on a campaign of ensuring I am cut off from everyone. All attempts over the years by family members to show her that she was being malicious to me went on deaf ears. She spent most of the discussions denying everything and convincing everyone that I am a liar.

I have personally approached her on several occasions to see if I could get her to change but that also failed. Not too long ago she claimed that she came to visit my family and, since I was pregnant with my daughter and close to delivery, my mother was always around and almost destroyed my marriage by sowing seeds of discord between me and my husband. She went as far as gossiping about me with everyone that cared to listen. This included my friends and neighbours. It became so stressful for me that I couldn’t take it anymore. She did not even consider that I was heavily pregnant.

One fateful day I told her she had to leave out of my house and my life before she manages to destroy the best things in my life. Until she repents and realizes the errors in her ways, I was not willing to relate with her again. While it was disheartening for me to take that action it was the most liberating thing I have ever done. Rather than repent, my mother ha again has gone on a campaign of letting her minions know that I “chased” her out of my home and that I’m so ungrateful after all she had done for me. Sometimes when you push a child to the wall you never know what they might do, while I could never dream of killing my mum, the anger and rage she evoked in me could have easily led me to a dark place, if not for the grace of God.

The general idea of a mother is someone who is nurturing and ever loving. My experience have been far from that. There are things my mother did that I cannot even add to this write-up. A lot of Nigerian parents do not know anything about parenting a child; their mentality is that you should raise a child the way your parents raised you. This approach involves flogging the child and abusing him/her emotionally, as one wishes; there is nothing systematic to it. While some of these children grow up and forgive their parents, even going as far as replicating their upbringing on their own kids, some realize that things could have been different and are willing to stop the cycle.

Do you agree with this author's point of view?

Source: naij.com

pickabeau1:

No madam.. you pointed out the flaws using an extreme example of abuse
Anyway for someone who believes in one touch or none(any spanking is abuse).. then the extreme is normal to you

As i said, spanking still happens in your beloved western world and i dont see u accuse them of being abusive

cococandy:
The rod of the bible doesn't literally mean a physical rod.

TV01:


Holá

Please expantiate here. What is your understanding of what the Bible says regards corporal punishment?


TV

winiwini: I DISAGREE!!!!

IF THERE ARE DOING TOO MUCH AND NAIJA IS LIKE THIS, WHAT WILL NOW HAPPEN IF THEY LESSEN IT?

tmtech: I agree wif d Op to a reasonable extent...
I remember a Man in area when I was a child..He was so strict and wicked that he changed women like cloths, and he doesn't allow them to go with their children when they leave his home.... He had jst one male child whom he maltreated so much that he draged him on the floor whenever he flogged him... The boy doesn't go to school until after 9:30am..... There was a time he cut this boy wit a knife and and even pressed him wif Iron...at some point d boy was planning to attack his father(which if he did wud make the front page of news papers)..d boy eventually left home for the street..he is nw 24yrs with no meaningful life and yet his dad still blames him for his misfortune... There are some nigerian parents that go too far.... My parents never flogged me and trust me, I am so proud of who I turn out to be.... There is no substantial prove that flogging ur child makes him/her a well behaved child... There shud be a limit to d way u treat ur child... Once a child is broken, it is only God that can fix such child....

olu77:

We must always strike a balance. Discipline must always be carried out with love. Parents should relate with, counsell and guide their children with love and ensure they understand their children's feelings. Some children require special attentions but parents who are ignorant just raise their hands and voices at every slight provocation.

zboyd: A Nigerian based in South Africa has expressed her view on the issue of having a fair share in the "parent-child-discord". The author reveals her odd relationship with her mum, asserting that a good number of Nigerian parents are the root of many evil-rooted thoughts of their children towards them.

Do Nigerian Parents Exert Too Much Authority Over Their Children?
By Folakemi Ibrahim

In light of the story about 21-year old Tolani Ajayi (pictured below), a student of the Department of History and International Relations, Redeemer University, RCCG Camp, Ogun State who killed his father on Tuesday July 3rd, I will like to share a little bit of my story to educate many parents on the dangers of abusing their power and authority over their children. I believe there are a lot of people with stories similar like mine will have the courage to speak out after they read my story, and they will also realize that they are not alone in their experience.

While the action of the RCCG student was despicable and evil, the truth of what led to it may never be known, but I believe there is an opportunity for a lot of people to learn from that unfortunate story about how parents can sometimes push their children to the extreme limits. While my experience did not end up a tragedy as that of this unfortunate young man, I believe it might have had the same underlying tone and pattern.

I am a 40-year-old successful woman who is based in South Africa. I’m happily married to a wonderful man and just had a bouncing baby girl. I have a good life and I love my life, but the only thorn in my life is my relationship with my mother. I grew up having a very toxic relationship with my mum, a relationship that soured after her divorce from my dad while I was a child. After the divorce my mother took all the children with her and for some reason singled me out by physically and emotionally abusing me repeatedly. She believed I had a lot in common with my dad, whom she hated with a passion.

I grew up in a home where my mother will call me various malicious names, and repeatedly tell me I will not amount to anything in life. She once told me she wishes she had aborted me when she was pregnant. I remember being chased out of the house as a teenager and left to sleep outside alone overnight for not properly doing house chores.

This toxic relationship endured into my adulthood. I grew up never having the opportunity to have all the beautiful things a relationship with one’s mother can bring; every time something great was happening in my life my mother was always there around the corner to “pour sand in it”. She went as far as cancelling my wedding a few times because I would not invite one of her friends to it. She has managed to destroy every meaningful relationship I have with all my siblings and extended family members by telling lies about me and going on a campaign of ensuring I am cut off from everyone. All attempts over the years by family members to show her that she was being malicious to me went on deaf ears. She spent most of the discussions denying everything and convincing everyone that I am a liar.

I have personally approached her on several occasions to see if I could get her to change but that also failed. Not too long ago she claimed that she came to visit my family and, since I was pregnant with my daughter and close to delivery, my mother was always around and almost destroyed my marriage by sowing seeds of discord between me and my husband. She went as far as gossiping about me with everyone that cared to listen. This included my friends and neighbours. It became so stressful for me that I couldn’t take it anymore. She did not even consider that I was heavily pregnant.

One fateful day I told her she had to leave out of my house and my life before she manages to destroy the best things in my life. Until she repents and realizes the errors in her ways, I was not willing to relate with her again. While it was disheartening for me to take that action it was the most liberating thing I have ever done. Rather than repent, my mother ha again has gone on a campaign of letting her minions know that I “chased” her out of my home and that I’m so ungrateful after all she had done for me. Sometimes when you push a child to the wall you never know what they might do, while I could never dream of killing my mum, the anger and rage she evoked in me could have easily led me to a dark place, if not for the grace of God.

The general idea of a mother is someone who is nurturing and ever loving. My experience have been far from that. There are things my mother did that I cannot even add to this write-up. A lot of Nigerian parents do not know anything about parenting a child; their mentality is that you should raise a child the way your parents raised you. This approach involves flogging the child and abusing him/her emotionally, as one wishes; there is nothing systematic to it. While some of these children grow up and forgive their parents, even going as far as replicating their upbringing on their own kids, some realize that things could have been different and are willing to stop the cycle.

Do you agree with this author's point of view?

Source: naij.com

cococandy:
The rod of the bible doesn't literally mean a physical rod

cococandy: I think beating/hitting/whipping isn't an ideal form of punishment.
For one they are pain and violence based.

cococandy:
We are expected to correct our children in/with love.
Inflicting pain can't be a good way to show love.

cococandy: I didn't live in biblical times. But it is obvious that since flogging was a punishment for condemned criminals amd slaves,it can't be the same 'rod' that god was talking about when he said 'spared not the rod'

litetias:
You're so right. My parents were very controlling when I was a child. That led to me losing my independent streak. Now an adult I feel broken like a camel. I guess some kids can experience such childhood and still be mentally tough enough to turn out well. I'm not one of such. The thing people should realise is that humans are not meant to be controlled. Like how taming a lion makes it loses its essence. I have found solace in God though, he loves me but still gives me free will.

olu77:

We must always strike a balance. Discipline should always be carried out with love. Parents should relate with, counsell and guide their children with love and wisdom. Parents must ensure they understand their children's feelings. Some children require special attentions but parents who are ignorant just raise their hands and voices at every slight provocation.


I feel children who are not brought up with love are part of the reason we have robbers, kidnappers, terrorists etc

cococandy: You're 'incorrigible'.

Enjoy having the last word

cococandy: Exactly.
The people in authority in each situation tend to downplay the gospel aimed at them and hype the ones that benefit them.




I'll NEVER hit my kids.
The rod of the bible doesn't literally mean a physical rod. And for all our high handedness,Nigerian kids aren't the best in the world.

cococandy:
I didn't live in biblical times. But it is obvious that since flogging was a punishment for condemned criminals amd slaves,it can't be the same 'rod' that god was talking about when he said 'spared not the rod'

pickabeau1:

......

You are so funny

TV01: CC (ah, we now have two CC', Imma stick with Lottie ),

You said this;

And I asked that you substantiate this from the bible, using the "whole of scripture" - or as much as you know. Are you saying/teaching that the bible does not prescribe corporal punishment?

there. Is corporal punishment restricted to flogging alone? Now you're assuming I think the bible is anti-punishment


You have not answered directly. But posted the following, which I shall answer noting the fact you simply avoided the question.

I didn't avoid it. I answered you based on my understanding which is what you wanted right?
Since flogging was for slaves and criminals during bible times,I'm safe to understand that the rod is t a literal one.

It's not mindless violence, its tempered corporal punishment, palms, buttocks etc. Not whipping an animal. Lottie, the use of emotive language does not a decent convo make. And the pain is warranted, to make a point and for the long-term good of the child.

so who regulates it? I've seen parents leave scars on their kids during 'corporal' punishment. It should be tempered true. But who's watching to know ensure that it doesn't get out of hand. They'll tell you 'it's my kid I can't kill it' but meanwhile they are causing serious damage.


Further, it's one of a range of possible sanctions, not necessarily used in every instance and yes, some kids may not need it ever. Is there an "ideal" form of punishment? If there was, surely it would mean that the child never offended again

well...I don't think there's an ideal one too. But if anyone to excludes some form of violence is ok by me.

This is certainly not biblical, in fact it's contra-biblical.

Hebrews 12: 5 - 6 And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son? It says, “My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.”

I never insinuated that the bible is anti-punishment.


Your notion of non-judgemental, non-pain-inflicting love is not biblical. We all love our children and no one wants or plans to have to punish them. But we do it for their long-term good - even if they don't fully appreciate that.

physical pain? No. I don't subscribe..I don't doubt the love of parents who whip their kids. Everyone loves their kids(genrally speaking)


I knew from way back that the "rod" would be an option in my home. My wife was strongly against it - Oga prevailed . Our son is high-energy and much more than a handful.

well...

I use the rod sparingly, and most times only as a deterrent. His mum prefers, the go to your room, naughty step, time out strategies. But now even she has recourse to the rod - even if only as a deterrent .

I've wonderful ideas of what I could use as punishment. Let the kids come first
I know the rod didn't deter me. I don't trust that method.
Glad you know to use it sparingly.


I hold you in too high regard to believe you are'nt fully aware of what you are doing here .

and what might that be?

TV

pickabeau1:

im not enjoying anything.. you also are incorrigible which mind you is a proper word.
I wonder why you put it in quotes again...

zboyd: A Nigerian based in South Africa has expressed her view on the issue of having a fair share in the "parent-child-discord". The author reveals her odd relationship with her mum, asserting that a good number of Nigerian parents are the root of many evil-rooted thoughts of their children towards them.

Do Nigerian Parents Exert Too Much Authority Over Their Children?
By Folakemi Ibrahim

In light of the story about 21-year old Tolani Ajayi (pictured below), a student of the Department of History and International Relations, Redeemer University, RCCG Camp, Ogun State who killed his father on Tuesday July 3rd, I will like to share a little bit of my story to educate many parents on the dangers of abusing their power and authority over their children. I believe there are a lot of people with stories similar like mine will have the courage to speak out after they read my story, and they will also realize that they are not alone in their experience.

While the action of the RCCG student was despicable and evil, the truth of what led to it may never be known, but I believe there is an opportunity for a lot of people to learn from that unfortunate story about how parents can sometimes push their children to the extreme limits. While my experience did not end up a tragedy as that of this unfortunate young man, I believe it might have had the same underlying tone and pattern.

I am a 40-year-old successful woman who is based in South Africa. I’m happily married to a wonderful man and just had a bouncing baby girl. I have a good life and I love my life, but the only thorn in my life is my relationship with my mother. I grew up having a very toxic relationship with my mum, a relationship that soured after her divorce from my dad while I was a child. After the divorce my mother took all the children with her and for some reason singled me out by physically and emotionally abusing me repeatedly. She believed I had a lot in common with my dad, whom she hated with a passion.

I grew up in a home where my mother will call me various malicious names, and repeatedly tell me I will not amount to anything in life. She once told me she wishes she had aborted me when she was pregnant. I remember being chased out of the house as a teenager and left to sleep outside alone overnight for not properly doing house chores.

This toxic relationship endured into my adulthood. I grew up never having the opportunity to have all the beautiful things a relationship with one’s mother can bring; every time something great was happening in my life my mother was always there around the corner to “pour sand in it”. She went as far as cancelling my wedding a few times because I would not invite one of her friends to it. She has managed to destroy every meaningful relationship I have with all my siblings and extended family members by telling lies about me and going on a campaign of ensuring I am cut off from everyone. All attempts over the years by family members to show her that she was being malicious to me went on deaf ears. She spent most of the discussions denying everything and convincing everyone that I am a liar.

I have personally approached her on several occasions to see if I could get her to change but that also failed. Not too long ago she claimed that she came to visit my family and, since I was pregnant with my daughter and close to delivery, my mother was always around and almost destroyed my marriage by sowing seeds of discord between me and my husband. She went as far as gossiping about me with everyone that cared to listen. This included my friends and neighbours. It became so stressful for me that I couldn’t take it anymore. She did not even consider that I was heavily pregnant.

One fateful day I told her she had to leave out of my house and my life before she manages to destroy the best things in my life. Until she repents and realizes the errors in her ways, I was not willing to relate with her again. While it was disheartening for me to take that action it was the most liberating thing I have ever done. Rather than repent, my mother ha again has gone on a campaign of letting her minions know that I “chased” her out of my home and that I’m so ungrateful after all she had done for me. Sometimes when you push a child to the wall you never know what they might do, while I could never dream of killing my mum, the anger and rage she evoked in me could have easily led me to a dark place, if not for the grace of God.

The general idea of a mother is someone who is nurturing and ever loving. My experience have been far from that. There are things my mother did that I cannot even add to this write-up. A lot of Nigerian parents do not know anything about parenting a child; their mentality is that you should raise a child the way your parents raised you. This approach involves flogging the child and abusing him/her emotionally, as one wishes; there is nothing systematic to it. While some of these children grow up and forgive their parents, even going as far as replicating their upbringing on their own kids, some realize that things could have been different and are willing to stop the cycle.

Do you agree with this author's point of view?

Source: naij.com

Arsenate: this zboyd is a feminist with an anti family agenda on nairaland. I advice y'all to always read her thread with caution . just have that feeling that she is always up to no good.
loooooooool

freshdude2: Maybe she is, maybe she isn't. However, the words in the OP are very true. Many Nigerian parents don't know when to give their children their space. The trend is changing though, I know of none of my peers who's a monster to their kids.
Zboyd: when this story broke on nairaland, I asked why a man would repeatedly slap a 22year old boy for not attending church and I was demonised. I'm not saying it's ok to butcher your father for abusing you but, could it be that this young man had to endure such treatment since infancy?! Every human has a limit, unfortunately the reslut of this guy reaching his own limit was tragic.

MrRhymes101: its part of our African culture jare....it builds the children