The President wakes up. He slept
very late last night. It is in the
nature of the calling – a series of
late-night meetings that stretch well
into the next day. Last night, there
was the one with the two friendly
state governors, who brought a list
of allegedly disloyal ministers. After
that, the party executives, who
wanted to discuss the forthcoming
governorship election in one of those
troubled states.
What state, by the way, isn’t a
troubled one in this country, when
you think of Ebola and Boko Haram
and the marauding herdsmen? Not
to talk of politicians themselves and
their endless “wahala”.
Speaking of Ebola, it was the issue
on the table for the President’s
third late-night meeting. But it was
a boring meeting; full of confusing
numbers and epidemiological jargon.
It reminded the President of the
time when he had to make a living
teaching. Teaching students who
had no desire to learn, in a
university that had no desire to stay
open. The humdrum-ness of it all
still sometimes produces a sinking
feeling in his stomach. Years of
waking up, praying the Datsun
Bluebird would start without fuss. It
now seems like that life was lived on
another planet.
The President sits up in bed, yawns
and stretches. He is alone, the
Madam is somewhere in Europe
inaugurating a warship, or was it a
new wardrobe. He tries to remember
what day of the week it is. That’s
the problem with this office – time
is no longer your own. You are
surrounded by an infinite number of
persons whose job it is to snatch
time out of your hands. People think
the President is powerful. But he is
not as powerful as those people;
who make him do stuff he has not
the slightest clue about.
The President steps out of bed, with
no idea what his day might look like.
He reaches for the bell, to summon
help. Just before he presses the
button, there is a knock on the door.
He makes his way to the door. The
image that flashes through his mind
is a strange one: what if the Villa
has been overrun by hostile forces,
and he is about to be captured like
Laurent Gbagbo or Samuel Doe. But
this is Nigeria, not Ivory Coast or
Liberia, and Nigeria is not at war.
Nigeria is not at war. Nigeria is not
at war. Technically, that might not
be true. Boko Haram is no longer a
terrorist group in that sense, it is
now an army, if what you read is to
be believed. That is another
problem with being President. How
do you know what to believe? You
can’t just jump into your car and
drive off to Maiduguri to seek the
truth. Every movement has to be
choreographed; every step pre-
planned. Those security people are
tyrants. You can’t go here or there,
can’t do this or that. They relish the
hold they have over the C-in-C.
What’s the point of being the most
powerful person in the country if
other people have to make decisions
for you?
The President can’t even keep money
in his own name – other people have
to do it for you. Any one of those
small boys who loiter around his
office probably has more money
underneath his bed than the
President has ever seen in his life.
Without these people, the President
is a snot-nosed little boy crying and
wondering where mummy is. Half of
the things done in the President’s
name, he has no idea. Half of the
statements credited to “the
Presidency” have nothing to do with
him. Most of the money taken in his
name will never come near him.
The President opens the door. It is
the Private Secretary, the Aide de
Camp, and the spokesman. They all
look tired; they went to bed at the
same time but have to wake up well
before the President. Because they
are not the president. That is the
edge he has. People have to at least
pretend to respect him.
The men instantly proceed to do
what they’re paid to do: snatch time
out of his hands. He can hear Time
crying like a baby, as these
marauders drive the rusty dagger of
officialdom into its beating heart.
The spokesman hands him a sheet of
paper on which the day’s news has
been summarised. The President has
a feeling that his people sometimes
strive to protect him from too much
bad news, but the news these days
is so full of badness you can’t
conceal much from anyone. Ah,
here’s some good news: the military
has retaken the town they lost to
Boko Haram. Good news, if true. But
how is a President to know for sure
that these military people and the
journalists are not lying? The
President knows he needs people
who can tell him the truth.
Preferably, those who can do it
without abusing him every time. Not
every time abuse President.
Sometimes, take it easy. The weight
of their name-calling has convinced
even search-engines to believe the
worst about him. Do they know how
painful it is? Do they ever think that
his children might also be on the
Internet reading these things?
The President’s consolation lies in
what some of his “enemies” have
said about him. The Emir said he is
a good man surrounded by bad
people. The Pastor who recently
wanted to become Vice-President
said he is trying his best but that
that best is not good enough. But
he also admitted that Nigeria is a
complicated country. That’s
comforting, somewhat.
Nigeria is a complicated country.
Everybody wants something, and
everybody assumes that their
chances of getting what they want
are tied to their ability to prevent
everyone else from getting what they
want. Does that make sense?
Trapped in the madness is the
President, listening to millions of
opinions, trying to satisfy as many
people as possible.
The President is thinking of a
scheme that will allow government
critics to experience the office of
President for a day, or a week.
Something like what they do in
Lagos, where schoolkids get the
chance to be Governor for a day. Let
them feel the pressure a little. On
such a day, when the reins of
government are left in the hands of
one of those many noisemakers, the
President imagines himself
disappearing to his village in the
creeks, where he will smuggle
himself onto a canoe and just float
gently down the river, pretending he
is just a poor fisherman with nary a
care in the world.
But he can immediately list at least
15 powerful people who will
instantly overrule the idea. And they
can get the security people to write
a thousand-page report on why it
would be a bad idea. And they will
leak the idea to the papers and
everyone will pounce on it and find
their own sinister explanation.
The President realises that managing
his own camp – analysing people’s
motivations, keeping them loyal,
pretending to be in control – is
perhaps even more difficult than
running the goddamn country.
Someone coughs, to jolt the
President out of his reverie. It is the
ADC. Ah, right, where were we? What
am I doing today? The answers
tumble out.
A National Summit on Education and
Security, to be declared open at 10.
(He is going to be late, he knows,
but they will have to wait for him).
Then, it’s back to the office, for
eight courtesy visits and two
presentations of ambassadorial
letters of credence; to eat up the
time until lunch. The entire
afternoon will be expended on visits
from party chieftains and godfathers,
all of who insist they have important
matters to discuss; none of whom a
sitting President can afford to
disdain. (Even the almighty Baba
had to do plenty of begging to get a
second term). At 6pm, he has to
take a call from the White House.
What is he going to tell Obama? At
7pm, there will be a Presidential
Media chat; to provide fresh material
for all who delight in abusing him.
At 8pm, he has to host the
“Transformation Ambassadors” to
dinner. (He should remember to ask
who’s funding them). At 10pm, the
kitchen cabinet will assemble, to
drink and gossip and strategise,
until the early hours.
And then, the President will go to
bed, to dream that Abu Shekau,
chewing-stick-in-mouth, is chasing
him around Eagle Square, while
Nigerians point and laugh.

www.punchng.com/opinion/a-day-in-the-presidents-life/

Beautiful write up I must say

That last paragraph got me reeling wit

No doubt it is hell of a duty being a president and that is why he has multitude of aides,SAs,SSAs,PAs and Ministers etc to help him in his daily routine ..... The only thing a president should work upon is how to keep his brain clean and fit in making an informed decision !!

Stooopid propaganda. This doesn't make any sense!

just the length of that post tells me how stressful d presidents life is,I don't need to read it...help me out here,is that not his job?

No wonder all Presidents develop gray hairs in a short time after assuming office, notwithstanding the fact they had all black hair when freshly elected.

No meeting with deziani to sign some fraudulent contracts and loot funds? This list is not correct.

no be small thing,the writer is Funy

Haba... Couldn't read it to the end... So the president has to go through all that to the point i read OMG!!!

He is not complaining hence he won't be gunning for 2015.

I like this write up.

Obiagelli: No meeting with deziani to sign some fraudulent contracts and loot funds? This list is not correct.

He also forgot to add the Presidential Helicopter delivering 100liters of "ogogoro" for the President to drink after his numerous meetings.

ba7man: He also forgot to add the Presidential Helicopter delivering 100liters of "ogogoro" for the President to drink after his numerous meetings.

my friend @op, edit the write up. this column pattern you used jus doesnt make sense as the emotion behind the write up

ba7man: He also forgot to add the Presidential Helicopter delivering 100liters of "ogogoro" for the President to drink after his numerous meetings.

You beat me to that!
GEJ's day is not complete without a Crate of Ogogoro!

ba7man: He also forgot to add the Presidential Helicopter delivering 100liters of "ogogoro" for the President to drink after his numerous meetings.

Ur stupiidity is quite alarming..

hazekctravels:
Ur stupiidity is quite alarming..

Everybody in the Presidency can confirm what I said.



They'd be like......... "GEJ fixed roads, he privatized Nepa, he bought some trains........and he also bought some ogogoro".

Brahms:

You beat me to that!
GEJ's day is not complete without a Crate of Ogogoro!

Did u say "crate"??

More like Oil drums used for bunkering in the Niger Delta.

"Ogogoro Bunkering".

Some may call this funny, while others may call it fiction but I think this 100% real only rearrange by the op to look fictional. It's not easy being the C-in-C.

This article might have been written to spite the President but any reasonable mind that really thinks it through will realize that the life of the president is harder than they can imagine in peacetime and infinitely worse right now.

aventura: Some may call this funny, while others may call it fiction but I think this 100% real only rearrange by the op to look fictional. It's not easy being the C-in-C.

When u're controlling Billions of dollars and eating N1million meals, it helps ease the pain.

Why do you think thay always want to die there??

God bless the c in c.
Guys for real it is not easy

this op doesn't know what it means to be the president of Nigeria!

I can categorically tell you that being the president of Nigeria is the sweetest position anybody can be in - that is why he has hired more that 5 thousand different lobbying groups to start his early campaign to convince him to remain in Aso villa till jesus comes!

Anyway sha! Op must do his job - or else someone else will do it for him! by the way op are you reuben abati or pastor doyin okupe? if u r not, abeg tell us your position for villa wey made it possible for you to know when our presido went to sleep and when he wokeup!

Nevertheless sha! op Tell the otueke fisherman that nwa anabra said if the chair is too hot for him we can exchange position ASAP!

Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown...