despite all the love we profess to each other while courting, what exactly happens to it after many years of co-habitation?...

Let’s face it, with our ever-increasing life span, most of us may eventually marry more than once. “'Til death do us part” used to mean about 30 years, but soon the same promise could mean 80. It is unrealistic to think that a union can thrive over such a long period. Multiple partnerships have therefore become the norm.

The good news: Second or even third marriages have the potential to be more fulfilling than the first because of a shift from immature to mature love.
Given the lengthening life span, marrying a high school sweetheart may not be the smartest thing to do. Adolescent relationships are best used to figure out what it means to be in a relationship, not to select a life partner. Teenagers are emotionally and intellectually undeveloped. They have yet to discover who they are as individuals, let alone as relational partners. People need time and experience to acquire the skills needed for a healthy, long-term union.

So are you doomed if you married your first love? Thankfully, no. Humans have the ability to self-reflect, which means we can analyze the immature patterns set in motion during our teen years to identify how they have shaped our present bond. Partners have typical ways of communicating, resolving conflict, and having sex. These patterns develop early in a relationship and unless conscious effort is made to change them, they endure.

Everyone knows couples with an immature style or have at least overheard these partners in public. They use belittling language, talk in whiny or condescending tones, and have a demand-withdraw interaction style, wherein one partner instigates while the other retreats. Observing such relationships is painful and often embarrassing. The challenge for immature partners is to change their ingrained patterns. This task is difficult and requires effort from both people. If one is unwilling to put in the work, it may be time to reconsider the relationship.

Immature love is insecure, whereas mature love is secure. Insecure people worry about losing their partner and will use controlling and manipulative strategies to keep them. These individuals restrict their partner’s development and freedom. Those who feel secure and at peace with themselves do not need a relationship to feel complete. Instead, they seek partnerships to enhance their already satisfying lives. Secure partners celebrate the growth of their significant other and appreciate their unique attributes.

Researcher Carol Rusbult coined a term, "the Michelangelo phenomenon," to refer to the idea that in healthy relationships, partners mold and shape each other into ideal selves. If one wants to cultivate their artistic abilities, the other be encouraging and possibly even pay for the art classes. The Michelangelo phenomenon is a defining characteristic of mature love.

Immature love is selfish, whereas mature love is selfless. We live in an individualistic society and people tend to make decisions based on what is best for themselves rather than their relationships. Interestingly, by nurturing our relationships, we personally benefit because good relationships help us thrive, whereas bad ones make us deteriorate. So even those with selfish intents will reap the rewards of shifting to a relationship-first orientation.

Remember that your daily habits define your relationship. Do what is needed to keep your relationship pleasant, which includes greeting each other with a smile, expressing gratitude and affection, and seeing the best rather than the worst in each other. If your partner asks for change, try not to react with defensiveness. Instead, listen to their concerns and work as teammates to make improvements. Often, we treat our significant others worse than we do strangers. Make sure this is not true for you. The people who are closest to us deserve the utmost respect.

Ops,
Wetin be this?

..... .....

tho i didn't read ur long letter

Not all marriages fail

those that do fail depends on the motive of the either or both partners

Selfishness and greed getting married to whom u never love for his /her wealth

Marriages fail because people change.

The man you married isnt the same guy u dated, and the lady you courted is no more visible in the wife u married

Consequently, resentment, anger and ultimately frustration becomes the order of the day.

How well couples cope with these determines how long they remain as one.

How conscious one is of this potential destructive change in person and attitude determines how far such changes destroy their marriages

*clears throat*

I enjoyed reading this. It is instructive to know how far emotions can take one. My understanding of this is, emotions builds and destroys the 1st marriage, sense builds and sustains the 2nd. So, to avoid d collapse of 1st, use sense and there'll be no need for 2nd. Chikenan.

Smh