I came across a thread on NL in which a guy was advising guys not to go into marriage. Personally, I disagreed with the motive of the person that started the thread and to find it in front page was a bit baffling for me.

Yet, he did say some truth in his words and write-up which got me thinking about marriage. The fact is that a couple of youths are 'scared' about marriage and some don't even want to marry if it was in their power. I thought about this and from my rumblings and observations on marriages in this country, I noticed some reasons why marriages are failing at the moment.

1) Some people marry with hidden agenda: At times some guys and ladies marry not because of the obvious reasons they have told everyone else, but due to hidden reasons. For example, a guy tries to woo a lady for months and she refuses, while tearing his heart apart by going after men that treat her poorly. The guy accepts fate and makes some money or come to good fortune. All of a sudden the lady comes after him and hooks him one way or the other, because his bread is now buttered. Why is it a problem? Once the mindset of hidden agenda is set on the offender, love flies out of the window and deception walks in through the front door. The lady does all what she does because of her agenda, not because of love. When that is discovered or she has achieved her aim, she breaks off with him and the marriage is wrecked, leading to other spill offs.

2) People who measure their spouse with superficial/ minor issues or things: Its a normal thing( somehow) to want perfection, maybe because of man's fall from the realm of perfection he always looks for that ' perfect' opposite. However, there are times where people tend to look at the other 'green' side too often and forget the qualities their spouses have, leading to broken up relationships and marriages.

For example Koya is the boyfriend of Shade but eyes Titi because she is more beautiful than Shade ( or she is more endowed). He starts comparing Shade to Titi based on beauty and Shade always comes short. Yet Shade is submissive, intelligent and a great cook and home keeper, while Titi can't even make Indomie sweet enough, she is arrogant and dull. Yet because of her beauty, Koya dumps Shade ( a better option) and marries Titi. Then when he sees her weakness, he get irritated and breaks up with her. Same thing when a lady covets a guy with a built up body or money over a guy that treats her right( even though her current guy has ambitions and plans for a better future), she dumps him for the flashy guy who may be a wife- beater. Then after exercising his muscles on her, she begins to use heavy accessories and make-up such as mascara, concealer and the likes to hide her scars.

Mind you, am not saying that a girl cannot look more presentable or a guy cannot be richer or more muscular, but placing a crucial decision like marriage or engagement solely on such premises is silly to be quite frank, and could be down right dangerous at the far end.
3) People who lack/ don't understand the basics of successful marriages: I can say it that all marriages have three out of these four ingredients; God's will, Love, Trust and Compatibility. And a lot of marriages fail because some/ most of these ingredients are lacking. Why is it so? Because when you are sharing your life with someone for eternity ( til death do you guys part), these ingredients are important. For example, who will you turn to when your spouse is adamant about something and all other avenues fail? Its God. How will someone accept your scarred/ not so scarred pasts and your present limits and faults? Its through love. How will you open up about some incident(s) in the past that has hurt you or could potentially hurt you to your spouse if you don't trust him? How will you manage to see him/ her leave to earn a living with you and not be jealous if not for trust? How do you guys keep checking each other's weakness and improve yourself so that you don't burn each other out with fights and all other troubles? That can only be done if you are compatible. They are very important to marriage and many people nowadays marry without having them in the union. So no surprise that divorce rates are increasing.

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Land for sale

4) Unrealistic expectations about the other spouse: I remember Laura in Think Like A Man, she was always unrealistically looking for a guy who was earning a six-figure sum of money and almost lost her man( or rather lost and found him) because of that. The funny but crucial part was that when she found her perfect man, she realised a truth; there was no perfect man. He overrides her in every conversations and even forgot to ask how she was doing! That's the kind of trouble we get in when we set unrealistic aims. We put serious expectations on the dream man/ woman we are after that we forget we are imperfect ourselves. For example, you want a perfect gentleman as a lady, who does all the gentlemanly things, opens the door for the lady, offers/ adjust the chair for her, etc. Meanwhile as a lady, you snore worse than a pig, you can't cook well, you are rude and obstinate, always insisting in your way. Are you been fair to the man? Same with guys too, you are after a virgin wife after lying and deceiving all the virgins in your area so as to sleep with them. Is this right? We often don't remember our weakness and drop our 'perfect' match because of their weakness, forgetting that our 'perfect' spouse will drop us for our weakness.
5) The pretenders and liars in relationships and marriage: These are becoming common in these country, guys and ladies who form what they are not because of who the other person is. They forget that no matter how well a lie is concealed, the truth will come out, either in words or deeds. You see guys behaving all holy and gentlemanly because of sex they want from a lady ( not even marriage, how base). You also see ladies forming unnecessary submissive and loyalty for a guy, agreeing with everything he says just because he is handsome or wealthy. Then when their true colors show, the spouse cannot manage or cope with what he are seeing and the marriage crumbles.

Will post the rest when I sleep and recover. Am tired at the moment.

Looking forward to read d rest

so how will telling the reasons why marriage fails and people scared change the fact or encourage people to get married

how is this helpful?

bluelover:


so how will telling the reasons why marriage fails and people scared change the fact or encourage people to get married

how is this helpful?

Be patient, let me finish first.

6) Emotional scars caused by family issues or previous relationships with the opposite sex: Many marital issues are caused by hang-ups of previous treatment by parents. For example a girl who sees her father abuse her mother in the house everytime is likely not to be interested in marriage, or at least be scared of it. If the person is a guy, he may pick that up and repeat it in his home, even if he is averse towards beating women. Also abuse from either parents to the opposite sex of the child( father to daughter or mother to son) can do a lot of harm to the psyche of the child as regarding the opposite sex, which creates cracks in marriage. Ditto for people who have had terrible experiences with the opposite sex.
7) Economic situation of the country: Even though this may not affect the wedding, it may count a lot after the wedding, especially if the couple goes to debt after the wedding. Money can be one of the most tricky issues that couples deal with and is either second or third to sexual infidelity that is a short term cause of marriage failure.

Now that I am done with the reasons, the next set of questions you may be tempted to ask is, what is the reason that I wrote this? How does this solve the issue of marriage failure? How can this help create a successful marriage?

I believe that if we are to solve an issue, we have to find what causes it. Marriage can be a beautiful thing, but like most crucial things in life it can be complicated. Most of the time, failed marriages are due to lack of honesty and lack of compromise. We are in a result- driven world as at now and until we realise that results don't come easy in marriage and that like Laura's friend said, humans are not portfolios. They are not always easy to judge at the first instance and they never come perfect, in fact they can be quite messed up and not ready for relationships. So until people can judge the real value of the person, not just in monetary terms or beauty.

So, nobody can come and comment here abi? Na wa o!

........

tag
gsking
dapo777
killjoy

oya

bluelover:
........

tag
gsking
dapo777
killjoy

oya

errrrm, I've gone through op's point of view.

Why was I tagged on this thread?

Why should I get married? Op are you married?

bluelover:
........

tag
gsking
dapo777
killjoy

oya

Is marriage your thing?

Dapo777:
Why should I get married? Op are you married?

Nope, but will marry some day. Will you?

GSKing:



errrrm, I've gone through op's point of view.

Why was I tagged on this thread?

to get your view of the topic but i can remove the tag if you don't like the idea.

rapmike:


Nope, but will marry some day. Will you?

I dunno, just watching.

Dapo777:


Is marriage your thing?

nope. not now maybe in some 50 years time

bluelover:


nope. not now maybe in some 50 years time

That's different,coming from a lady

Dapo777:


That's different, coming from a lady

@bold is there anything wrong with that

bluelover:


@bold is there anything wrong with that

Naaah, only that its rare coming from a lady.... Well that's what's wrong with it.

Pfff marriage is def. scary.. I'll take my time n enjoy my stress free life

bluelover:


@bold is there anything wrong with that

No Nothing is wrong with being a lady. But 99% of them will definitely want to marry.
You are among the very few who isn't chasing marriage. That's different.