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|To The Married Couples-please Help Say Something Meaningful by ademideolu: 11:31am On Oct 21, 2014|
Hello good people of nairaland.
I have an issue I really want meaningful and constructive contributions to. I am an active member though not on this section but choose to register and have you say something to my predicament.
Maybe I should start my describing myself. By the grace of God, I am very hard working, I believe in myself, I love people, I don’t like lying cos my concience wont allow me hence I easily open up to you, being married, I make sure is do my homely duties (cook, wash stock up the house, think of other domestic duties I do all alone). I grow up with my parent, meaning I have parental direction and correction but I experienced the good and the bad side of my parent. My weakness- I hate to be abused and rated low so I always try to work hard to cover up to earn good remarks even at work.
My husband, he is an orphan and was brought up his grand parent, when we met he was caring and giving, he also don’t abuse me and always there when am down.
We have been married for going to five years now and it has not being easy coping with his strange attitude ranging from;
Being abusive (this has really destroyed my emotions and the believe I have in myself) examples of what he usually say – you are not employable (I am working), you are useless( but he send me on erands, i cook for him, i wash his cloths, i fill up water in containers and he fetches from there without refilling daily, sweep, name it all for him, so how am i useless?), you know nothing, you cannot advise me, etc
He doesn’t drop money at home for feeding- he earns more than five times than I earn, he doesn’t drop money for feeding at home, his excuse is he is building a and my money is too little to add to his project.
He said my money is for food and other house keeps (this I have agreed to since my five years of working and almost five years of marriage but my fear is he tells me when we finally move in to our house he will remind me I never contributed to the house project, but nairalanders, I feed him, I buy him cloths a times, I buy things at home, he collect money from me when he over spend his budget. How do I account for these in the future?
He said he wants to register his company and that I am not going to be part of it, that he is not setting up a family business and that I am too low to contribute at the board meeting if he add me among his excutives (this is a company he has not even set up and he is killing me already with his words).
I simply don’t get any form of allowance from him, I still rather give him after he has over spent. He bought a bus for his cousin, lavish heavily on his family but I don’t get any financial gains from him. When I have other budgets and cant stock the house we suffer. We are short of food and beverages if I dare have budgets that I need to meet urgently.
He told me to be saving up for my children school fees and should not border him since I am saying my children will be in a good school, this is a man who had his msc abroad.
How do I cope? I don’t believe in divorce but am thinking of it.
How do I start saving for investment?
How do I Behind up my CV for a better offer that will earn me a better pay at least to start earning like him, cos he doesn’t respect me cos of my pay.
Would a business do for more pay?
How do I really cope with this kind of man? there are a lot of days ahead by God's grace.
I cry daily cos he can abuse tooooooo much and I am intolerant to abuses.
Men, do you disrespect your wife because she earn less than you earn?
Am crying as am typing this, who do I turn to for help? Who will talk to him? He feels too pompous , no one can talk to him, his asset is not even worth 15m and he is this proud and would not allow anyone to talk to him.
I desire to be rich and doing well, what business is good for me to start that will earn me big cos I need to make him know I have value and make him respect me, really this cant continue, am dying slowly.
God please help me.
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|Re: To The Married Couples-please Help Say Something Meaningful by LORDI(m): 11:39am On Oct 21, 2014|
I think you should speak to your husband and try to work things out,if every other thing fails,the only option left will be DIVORCE,he may have to take care of the children.
|Re: To The Married Couples-please Help Say Something Meaningful by dytbabe: 11:44am On Oct 21, 2014|
This one is strong oooo
|Re: To The Married Couples-please Help Say Something Meaningful by whirlwind7(m): 11:51am On Oct 21, 2014|
Unfortunately, you are married to a very proud and arrogant man. I feel that part of his attitude stems from the fact that his parents were not there to bring him up, and his granny didn't do enough to instill humility in him.
He probably grew up with a deep sense of independence and felt that he is self made, so he should answer to no one, you inclusive.
Sure, dialogue should be your next step. Involve his friends/relations whom you are sure he has some amount of respect for. He thinks that you don't complement or "complete" him by virtue of your low income (compared with his) I'm not sure what the outcome would be, or if the result of this sort of intervention would last.
Divorce, for now, shouldn't be your immediate priority. You may go ahead with it though, after you have explored every other channel or option.
I see a part of myself in your hubby's attitude. It revolted me and I made conscious efforts to change when I realised I wasn't appreciating my wife's humble contributions.
What's more, it's very possible he had been comparing you with a mental image of what he now feel should be his ideal woman, and finds you wanting (I experienced this) He feels you are not "measuring up" It would be far worse if this comparison is not just in his mind, but he has met another woman who he is actually comparing with you!
I don't know how deep his love for you is. So, if you take a bold step at letting him know you are fed up with the treatment you are getting from him, this might jolt him enough to make him see reason. Many folks don't realize the value of what they have, until they are about to lose it. Men sometimes loose focus of the more important things in their quest for the pursuit of financial stability. Their wife and kids are relegated to the back burner, and they inflict emotional trauma on their loved ones. I want you to also realize that those verbal abuse are a sign of insecurity. In his subconscious, he is scared of failure. Your not earning as much as he would have liked is fueling this fear, and instead of trying to help you make better earnings, he is rather trying to alienate you. This way, he's trying to prevent you from intruding into his capital and financial base.
I feel for you. But do not wallow in self pity. You seem to be strong-willed. Do you have the guts to rattle him, to take your destiny in your hands, to initiate the change you desire?
Let him know that what you guys got is a partnership, the type that isn't solely determined by how much money each partner is contributing into the union. As it is now, you are making the more contribution in this marriage. While you are earning and spending for the family, he is concerned about himself only.
|Re: To The Married Couples-please Help Say Something Meaningful by ademideolu: 12:09pm On Oct 21, 2014|
even his grannies, as old as they are, he tongue lash them not to talk of his sisters and aunts, his uncles are even way too low to advise him. he feel rich and said anyone who will talk to him must be richer than him, ooooooopppps, why will someone say such? surely they cant talk to him because they were left alone to feed for themselves when they lost their parent. even the elder sisters too dont take to corrections from their grannies. just last month he fought with his grand pa. the old man was begging him and cant really correct him cos of the financial gains they get from him.
no father and no father figure. but what can i really do? his grand mother when she was dying said i must look after him and never divorce him, but am not happy. cant talk to my parents cos i am afraid they will think my marriage is not working and every one in the family will hear and feel the same way.
|Re: To The Married Couples-please Help Say Something Meaningful by pickabeau1: 12:19pm On Oct 21, 2014|
He has shown by words and actions he does not regard you as a partner
- No involvement in the family biz, running you down verbally, you may have no stake in the house even though you are supporting him in the household expenses
- No body who can help with mediation that he respects
- Saying he is not interested in providin school fees for his kids
I am tempted to say you are a second family who h is not interested except you have evidence to the contrary otherwise his actions especially as pertaining his kids is strange
Good enough you hv a job so there will be minimal changes to your lifestyle
- You can make one more attempt at communication and all the issues pertaining joint expenses(feeding and kids schooling is a joint expense)
preferably with a marriage counsellor who can be expected to be neutral
- If that fails. You can do a trial seperation before you consider something permanent
PS That is if this is true
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|Re: To The Married Couples-please Help Say Something Meaningful by whirlwind7(m): 12:26pm On Oct 21, 2014|
So, my assessment about him was right. Proud and boastful guys are just fighting their insecurity. All those braggadocio are defensive mechanisms he'd put in place to compensate for his short-comings. You really have a lot of work to do. He feels he owes no sympathy to anyone with a lower financial status than him, cos in his mind, he made it from scratch. Bottom line is, he is immature and the lack of good parental discipline largely contributed to it.
This won't be easy for you. Not by a long stretch. What would help you come out smelling roses in the end is your determination to succeed, and your fighting spirit. How many kids are there?
Did you specifically create an account on NL today because of this issue?
|Re: To The Married Couples-please Help Say Something Meaningful by freecocoa(f): 12:28pm On Oct 21, 2014|
Is this some sort of joke or what?
I didn't get to the ending yet but I just had to ask, why are you still married to him?
|Re: To The Married Couples-please Help Say Something Meaningful by cococandy(f): 12:30pm On Oct 21, 2014|
All of this is what you should communicate to him. If you can't talk to him face to face,write a long message stating how you feel about everything he's doing to. Your fears and concerns and send it to his inbox.
|Re: To The Married Couples-please Help Say Something Meaningful by freecocoa(f): 12:31pm On Oct 21, 2014|
Abeg this story has to be made up, haba!
|Re: To The Married Couples-please Help Say Something Meaningful by cococandy(f): 12:33pm On Oct 21, 2014|
I've seen worse.
|Re: To The Married Couples-please Help Say Something Meaningful by slimyem: 12:39pm On Oct 21, 2014|
I'm here wondering how this erstwhile caring and giving man suddenly went from all that to this mean and selfish person you have described. When and where did something go wrong and the abuse began?
It's a good thing that you are employed and contributing to family coffers and it is also a good thing that you are trying to seek ways to earn more and do more to earn your husband's respect-which I would say is a manageable step in the long term. I also think at this point you have to learn to separate his put-downs from your own reality. He says you are useless but you know you are not and you tell yourself that. It's called re-intergrating your values into your sense of self and regardless of what your husband does or says,you can always feel confident and valuable.
Altogether,you need to speak with someone about all this.
Is there someone you know he trusts and listens to that you can try that with?Surely there must be at least ONE person.
|Re: To The Married Couples-please Help Say Something Meaningful by ademideolu: 12:40pm On Oct 21, 2014|
@Whirlwind, i took a deep breath when i read your post, you seem to know it all. exactly what is happening is all you have analyzed. he has met women who earn more than their husbands, and some earn as much as he earns but not married. he come home and talk about them alot. the the fact it is that, he should take me for who i am and appreciate me.
he said i dont read anymore, how will i read with all in my hands to do? work, house and all. He eat the best a woman can give her husband, to the point the complains i spend too much on food but i know that is the fuel/oil he needs in his engine (body) to lubricate it to work and move better so that he can make his money.
|Re: To The Married Couples-please Help Say Something Meaningful by freecocoa(f): 12:44pm On Oct 21, 2014|
cococandy:wow! Just what could be wrong with someone for them to allow another person treat them that way? Especially someone with a degree and job?
|Re: To The Married Couples-please Help Say Something Meaningful by ademideolu: 12:49pm On Oct 21, 2014|
one baby for now. yes i crested an account today because of this. thanks.
|Re: To The Married Couples-please Help Say Something Meaningful by cococandy(f): 12:54pm On Oct 21, 2014|
*low self esteem
*marriage is for better or worse(especially when the babe is the victim)
*God hates divorce
*divorcees and single moms are sub human species.
*kids are better raised in a tense hostile environment than by a single parent.
Take your pick.
Anway I don't think OP's marriage is beyond redemption. It has a possibility of turning around if they can find a person who the husband listens to,to talk some sense into him.
He's not hitting or cheating on her ...yet(from d story)
They can make it if only the person who needs advice here(hubby) gets it on time and thinks about his actions
|Re: To The Married Couples-please Help Say Something Meaningful by ademideolu: 12:58pm On Oct 21, 2014|
@Freecoco, it is not a cook up story. i am grieved and that is why i had to come out and listen to other men and women who passed through this or are currently passing through it.
i also need business ideas. thank you.
@Slimyen, thank you for your contribution. hmmmm, one person i told about him is his pastor abroad, of which he called hi mto tlak to him but he never picked his calls, he has invited us over to his place and my hubby said he wont go cos i have dented his image before his pastor. for his naija pastor here, i dont want to do that cos i dont want him to run away from church. he can easily jump into conclusion that the preaching is coined cos of him.
|Re: To The Married Couples-please Help Say Something Meaningful by maclatunji: 1:05pm On Oct 21, 2014|
OP, I just finished reading your story and I am really shocked. I am not exactly sure what is shocking me but I am sincerely shocked.
Yet another depressing tale of marriage.
My advice to you is to look for someone your husband respects and beg them to talk to him on the way he treats you. Please do not mention the financial part because this your husband would just turn into ICBM after that. Give yourself peace, do things because they are the right things to do, not because you want your husband to compliment you. This will help reduce your unhappiness
You are going to need loads of forbearance with him from what I read.
|Re: To The Married Couples-please Help Say Something Meaningful by whirlwind7(m): 1:16pm On Oct 21, 2014|
You're right, bro.
Then, again, the issue of money is bound to come up when any sort of intervention is being sought. It will just take a lot of tact and wisdom not to emphasize it. I think it is better to let the husband bring up the issue of finance (which he will inevitably do) and then take it up from there. I have known men who are so arrogant and headstrong, it is beyond belief. The OP will do well to start firming her spirit of independence and start making efforts at consolidating her own assets, while in the process of trying to get the right kind of people to talk with her husband.
Men like him find it real difficult to change, and any kind of repentance he shows for now would be most likely temporary.
|Re: To The Married Couples-please Help Say Something Meaningful by jaybee3(m): 1:33pm On Oct 21, 2014|
The main problem here seems to be finance
I'm not even going to bother with the fact that he must have displayed all these traits whilst you guys were dating but yet you ignored the obvious warnings.
Do you guys have kids?
Does he buy everything in his name?
The house he claims to be building, is it on his name alone?
Are you legally married to him?
What exactly does he contribute to the family?
|Re: To The Married Couples-please Help Say Something Meaningful by Juzzybabe(f): 1:39pm On Oct 21, 2014|
Its just your testing time. Pray about it
|Re: To The Married Couples-please Help Say Something Meaningful by Nobody: 1:44pm On Oct 21, 2014|
Pride preceeds failure,unfortunately he has no idea that he's going down real hard.
You need all the strength and perseverance you can afford,no business blossoms in a day but little by little...If you can afford it,foodstuff business is fine
It's a difficult situation,may God see you through.
|Re: To The Married Couples-please Help Say Something Meaningful by maclatunji: 1:58pm On Oct 21, 2014|
You have written the truth. If he ever falls on hard times (not that we pray for that) and his wife is doing well, he would first try to bully her to get access to her finances or 'repent' to be in her good books.
Stories like this really break my heart. Marriage is supposed to be beautiful.
|Re: To The Married Couples-please Help Say Something Meaningful by Becalm(m): 2:19pm On Oct 21, 2014|
Divorce is hardly a solution but running away from the solution. You have an arrogant man. And you need somebody he respects a lot if you can that person to do the magic. Since, he was once caring find out what went wrong though this is a very difficult task. If there is something about you that made him happy in the past, you can replay them again, find out other things that make him happy, there must be a couple of them. Making him a happy is not what you signed up for, but it is needed right now to save the marriage. Nicer income can be a good news but does not guarantee respect since he is arrogant. Above all prayer and dialogue. Talk things over with him at his best mood, it's possible there is something he heard about you that changed everything, that he never bordered to discuss with you.
|Re: To The Married Couples-please Help Say Something Meaningful by Nobody: 2:54pm On Oct 21, 2014|
You are just pathetic.
Instead of you to open up everything to your parents, you are here afraid of what people will say.
Relax there , you hear.
When you are ready to wake up and not die slowly, you will know.
|Re: To The Married Couples-please Help Say Something Meaningful by bukatyne(f): 3:10pm On Oct 21, 2014|
Can you pinpoint what marked the change from your husband being loving to being spiteful?
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|Re: To The Married Couples-please Help Say Something Meaningful by Talon05: 4:44pm On Oct 21, 2014|
Your story is crippingly heartwrenching. I feel sorry for you and your kid. Why are you still married to that man?, you waiting for Jesus to turn him around?
Stop slaving yourself just because you want to stay married. I know something must of triggered this behaviour so I wont castigate him much but ma'am, no one deserves to be treated the way this man treats you. Run while you can.
All the best.
|Re: To The Married Couples-please Help Say Something Meaningful by Nobody: 5:00pm On Oct 21, 2014|
Life is not a fairy tale or fantasy of a wonderland.
Cocoa, are you a feminist?
|Re: To The Married Couples-please Help Say Something Meaningful by 5minsmadness: 5:15pm On Oct 21, 2014|
ademideolu:But how did you open your eyes and marry such a person?
|Re: To The Married Couples-please Help Say Something Meaningful by Nobody: 5:17pm On Oct 21, 2014|
Bia woman, you have not stated any problem on your long epistle but a valedictory sermon on your person.
What at least is he getting right in the family? If non divorce him.
If a man is handling a building project that is cost effective and beneficial to family and you biitch about children attending "A" grade institution, be ready to foot the Bill. Every sane man work for his family and his family is TOP priority even though our strategy to expand might affect our family initially.
If you earn little salary compared to his, please augment it in the family disposable expenses while he shoulder the capital projects. This area as a sacrifice on your part is non negotiable.
Men loves women who manages resources very well. Are you a waste? When a man discovers his wife manages financial resources prudently, trust me with time he will take you into confidence and let you manage all of his financial transaction but if you are the bring this, bring that even when you earns, expect loads of bullshiits and disrespect from the PAY MASTER.
What I can sense and conclude from your post concerning your marital ish is "MONEY". I think you want to make hold of his money and he is thinking of the future while your needs is immediate satisfaction.
Goodluck as you work on your temperament but if not guilty as charged...divorce the ADAM but in all sincerity I saw a FOCUSED man.
|Re: To The Married Couples-please Help Say Something Meaningful by 5minsmadness: 5:17pm On Oct 21, 2014|
freecocoa:You think its just easy to walk away from a marriage abi?
But op your case hard sha
|Re: To The Married Couples-please Help Say Something Meaningful by 5minsmadness: 5:18pm On Oct 21, 2014|
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