DukeNija:


Kandii why are you bent of blaming this man for his wife's terrible behaviours? Will you also blame him for making her call the 2 male attendants 'rats'? Its obvious you are very bias and will continue to blame him for her ill manners, childish and unwomanly behaviour. The worst kinds of people are those who do not learn to take responsibility for their own actions but will always find a way to blame someone else.

how exactly am I being bias when I clearly stated both of them are wrong? Did you not read my statement on the woman's actions. Cause and effect, if the op didn't shut her up she won't have reacted the way she did. Her reaction was wrong but it was caused by something if you fail to see that then you must be blind.

aisha2:
Poster please is there any good attribute (s) your wife has?

I need you to answer this question. Because the woman you keep describing is nothing to write home about. Na wa o! So sad

flyca:
Also (even though if this is true there is little or nothing that can be done), did you compel her to marry you?. Was there a mutual understanding and agreement to marry each other or you wanted and succeeded in marrying her. Where you both in love before the marriage or was it one sided love?

I say this because, my school mother for instance had a suitor, very nice guy, was really serious with marrying her, he was just an eligible bachelor. 2008 she told me there was this thing with him she didn't like, she doesn't like and she will never like. Even whenever he tells her hello over the phone, she said, she gets depressed again. So she told him she was not interested, and was not ready for marriage then. For where? That guy followed me eh.... He pestered me oooooooo, sending gifts, calling and declaring unending love for her. He said she was his ideal woman. She blocked him off.

Now here is the deal, 2010 she has got into the "settling down quick lane" and in the absence of any other eligible suitor, she run back to him, and marriage sets.

I was in her house for 2 days in 2013. Chai! She as just snapping at the poor guy anyhow over nothing! She has always been a very pleasant person to me, she took me to many places, she was nice to colleagues, her hair dresser likes her, but at home, you really feel for the guy. Even when she is answering his call, I feel like covering her mouth with my hand! And the guys still has a lot of love and patience for her.

You may choose to search deeper, but as I said earlier, if it's that she doesn't like your big head with drab voice, or you drool while talking, or that you are not polished enough but you are the only viable option as at the point of marriage, I extend my sympathy to you. There is nothing much one can do but to live with it.

I repeat, it is well with you.

Chei. God bless you for this analysis.

exebi:
Ilekokonit. Thanks for sharing your comments. Wow!

May God help me. I need wisdom. I need grace. I need strength. I need courage. I need Him!

Why exactly are you still married to this woman?
Your patience and long-suffering is something only a martyr is capable of, or do you have a death wish?

The best part of your marriage and story is that you have no kids with this woman...all the wisdom you gon' need is already in front of you, use it.

Am not married so am not in the best position to give any advice. But one thing I know is that your wife is in pain. You need to figure it out and deal with it before it degenerate into something ugly.
You sound like a religious man. Keep it up. Prayer is the key to everything. Don't bother yourself about her joining you in prayers. Just do it alone. God himself will take care of things and hopefully your wife will join you in the nearest future.

Finally, you know women are complex beings, solutions do not really matter to them. I suggest you find and buy the book: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. One for you and one for your wife. It's a great resource book that will help you understand your wife much better. You will be able to figure out a way to deal with her emotional pain.
Goodluck.

science shows that a woman speaks 20,000 words per day, while man speaks 7,000...http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/women-talk-more-than-men/
Dear OP ,refrain from too much speaking... you dont need to reply every words she said, then set ur mind to on a blank mode anytime she enters that mode....
concentrate on your life and business, keep being a responsible man and loving ... if you dont want to join the click of divorcee. your marriage wont brake in JESUS NAME.

kandiikane:


Lol, no I prefer being in there, very comfy.

Exactly! There should be, I am not one to be mean but one time I just reached my limit and just said many mean and horrible stuff which actually shocked my partner because I was fed up. There is always something that would cause the wife to be mean to the op. I am certain she wasn't like that before he got married to her.

I can relate to this for reals.

SeaGold:


Doing something wrong does it translate to using abusive words rather than discussing the problem with her partner like an adult for a solution?

The problem is with the Op though. He married a woman that loves what he can provide for her and now that things aren't okay, the realisation is gradually setting in.

Like you don't know that everyone's got limit(s)s, do you know what's he's doing to cause her pain? Do you know if she's tried to discuss it?

Imagine the OP making a fuss cos his perfume was used to freshen the air his fart polluted, like seriously? Abeg the OP should stop whatever he's doing to cause her pain and they can take it from there.

freecocoa:
Like you don't know that everyone's got limit(s)s, do you know what's he's doing to cause her pain? Do you know if she's tried to discuss it?

Imagine the OP making a fuss cos his perfume was used to freshen the air his fart polluted, like seriously? Abeg the OP should stop whatever he's doing to cause her pain and they can take it from there.

Nawaoooo!!!!

Just read the part about her behavior to the service attendants and I must say, that's very rude of her.

Now OP, my ex used to do something similar to what you did as regards shutting her up/interrupting her in public, I swear that used to piss the feck outta me, he did that believing he knew better or could handle the situation better even when it directly involved me, now I understand that you were trying to save the situation which prolly wouldn't have needed any saving, but the manner with which you did it may have been the problem, to you, you were discreet but to her you were not.

I must also say that, since you asked her how you should have gone about it and she didn't give an answer, then she really has it in for you, I just wish she can come say what you've been doing to cause her pain cos the issue is obviously very deep, just try finding the right time to talk to her as people have advised.

Ilovenigeria:

Nawaoooo!!!!

Nawaooo to you too.

freecocoa:
Nawaooo to you too.

Hahahahahah I agreed with you naaa.

Ilovenigeria:

Hahahahahah I agreed with you naaa.

And I agreed back at you na.

OP, money is the problem! Nothing else.

flyca:
Also (even though if this is true there is little or nothing that can be done), did you compel her to marry you?. Was there a mutual understanding and agreement to marry each other or you wanted to and succeeded in marrying her. Were you both in love before the marriage or was it one sided love?

I say this because, my school mother for instance had a suitor, very nice guy, was really serious with marrying her, he was just an eligible bachelor. 2008 she told me there was this thing with him she didn't like, she doesn't like and she will never like. Even whenever he tells her hello over the phone, she said, she gets depressed again. So she told him she was not interested, and was not ready for marriage then. For where? That guy followed me eh.... He pestered me oooooooo, sending gifts, calling and declaring unending love for her. He said she was his ideal woman. She blocked him off.

Now here is the deal, 2010 she has got into the "settling down quick lane" and in the absence of any other eligible suitor, she ran back to him, and marriage sets.

I was in her house for 2 days in 2013. Chai! She as just snapping at the poor guy anyhow over nothing! She has always been a very pleasant person to me, she took me to many places, she was nice to colleagues, her hair dresser likes her, but at home, you really feel for the guy. Even when she is answering his call, I feel like covering her mouth with my hand! And the guys still has a lot of love and patience for her.

You may choose to search deeper, but as I said earlier, if it's that she doesn't like your big head with drab voice, or you drool while talking, or that you are not polished enough but you are the only viable option as at the point of marriage, I extend my sympathy to you. There is nothing much one can do but to live with it.

I repeat, it is well with you.

sassygal:
I


My dear, ANYONE that deliberately say such words to me, especially knowing the struggle to succeed and knowing that my prayers are my forte is a dream killer.

There is a negativity that resonates from those words. Trust me, this is the worst kind of negativity there is. Why because, Negative energy from such a close source will always cause insecurity and lack of self-confidence. It gives you fear, doubt, and makes you think less of yourself. It closes opportunities in your life and makes life less fun.

I know so cause I lived it.

There are so many other ways to pay someone back for any pain they cause you.

For the wife to say such words out several times means she wishes it to come to pass and must have been repeating it to herself all the while the op was telling her his woes.

Your head is there.

Nomatter what ur spouse must have done to u,you don't curse coz there is power in ur tongue,she is meant to build the home not destroy it,she isn't matured enough to me at dat aspect ooo.these re the kinda women that curse their children and latter the Op or kids might have problem not knowing where it's coming from.

@Op, permit me to explain about the prayer aspect; I run two jobs, so i get home 9 to 10pm everyday. Its good to pray and i dont joke with it. As i ve a partner who runs his business, when i m sleeping he wakes me up to pray 12 or 1 a.m. At times, i feel like Mr, you have all your day to yourself. Can i rest pls? That may be your wife's case too.
She is wrong to curse you though; i see myself as someone who can curse when i m hurt or fustrated which i think could be her own case. Can you please help her with her self control habit?
She also exhibit a little pride if she could call men "rats". You could clip those wings by reducing your niceness like someone suggested earlier but sitting in a beer palour till late, i dont support. Just get a new hobby or better still, spend those times to increase your business horizon, meet clients. Think it through periods. Thanks.

I have all through this thread and I must admit that some comments here are more provocative than the op's ordeal.
While some have simply spot on.
exebi , exebi , exebi

Ur wife frustration stems from ur business challenges.Work, pray and MAKE MONEY. U will not have the kind of peace u want in ur home unless u make money and plenty of it.

Your wife is not a kid and no matter what u may have done to her either in public or in ur closet she has no right to make those utterances under any condition.
What does she mean? I will suggest the following.

1. Never and I mean never express ur business woes with ur wife for now. This is ur cross and unfortunately it is only u that will carry the cross alone.
Listen to me, many of this so called wives are nothing but fair weather women. Never ready to bear ur pains with u especially If it is taking too much time.
Work out ur business woes carefully by itself and make sure u succeed.

2.Make sure u communicate with her, no malice but make sure ur statements are well thought out b4 making them.She is not the only one u will be talking to.

3.Observe her closely, the rubbish that she is expecting u to swallow I bet she can't try it with her boss at work.
There is a THIRD PERSON in ur marriage. Observe closely this person is giving ur wife too much liver.

4. Your home is a school, make sure u share knowledge on various areas such as spirituality, finance, attitude, decorum, relationships etc with her.Get good books read and let her read them also and share together.
Make sure u are a doer of all d positives u share with her.

5.Don't spend too much idle moments with her.This is because many women feel that even in ur meditative moments u are lazy or have nothing to do to change ur position especially in times of business difficulties.

Create activities that will move u forward and engage them.Don't go clubbing or hang out in beer parlours as this a sign of irresponsibility and ur frustrations.

6.Always create an atmosphere of excitement around u and at home.This is very important, say only things u want to experience whether it looks like it or not.
Let it be a part of u, it is only a matter of time and she will be a part of the excitement.

7.Make money and let her know when sizeable chunks enter ur hand.

Finally let her fund an area in family expenses and if she refuses, she may need to stop working.

More importantly, make ur marriage work.
All the best brother.

Its quite good you have identified you have problems....But what u're yet to identify is that your wife seems to be the BIGGEST problem you have.

I don't think there can be anything more frustrating that an uncooperative partner...Bros,Just keep doing your best and don't get discouraged.

2sexi:
OP, money is the problem! Nothing else.

Money, or maybe passionate love-making.
@op, not to make light of your situation, but,
Those Igbo guys wey dey hawk YoYo bitters? They'll go "if u see woman wey him husband dey do hin job well well, na 'daddy' 'my honey' 'my love' she go dey call am. But if na man wey nor dey sama her well as she like, na 'foolish man' 'yeye' 'u no dey see ya mate for outside'.

major466:
... I suggest you find and buy the book: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. One for you and one for your wife. It's a great resource book that will help you understand your wife much better. You will be able to figure out a way to deal with her emotional pain.
Goodluck.

I'd say it's more likely she'd hit him upside tha head with the darn book.

I agree with some of what you said, and don't agree with some, especially the beer parlor, he will just be replacing one devil with another. But i completely agree that he should find something that will keep him away from the house.

Ilekokonit:
By her saying God will not answer your prayers, she actually means it and is blatantly showing you the worst form of hate a wife can show a husband.

She doesn't want your finances to pick up so that she will become the bread winner and you will start asking her for money at which point she will rain more insults and curses upon you each and every time she has to give you money.

This woman hates you and is not disguising the fact so, your best bet because familiarity breeds contempt is to start making yourself scarce around the house and get a new hobby that takes you out of the house till late e.g beer parlours.

Then never tell her your plans or ask her to pray about your plans again as this woman is bent on seeing your financial downfall.

Its like she has an axe to grind with you and sees your weak point as a time to knock and kick you whilst you are down so that you will find it difficult to get back onto your feet.

Stop carrying 80% of the expenses whilst she saves her own money and then wickedly turns round to curse your prayers. Now, if you have 10 naira, tell her you have 1 naira as this woman does not mean well for your finances.

Your marriage is still in early days and the damage done to any of your individual psyches is not that deep yet and you both can walk away from the marriage if there is no synergy in the marriage.

Marriage is meant to motivate you and not de-motivate you and even some of your enemies will not ask God not to answer your prayers.

Please go and see a mature couple maybe enjoying 30years of marriage. Talk with them and gain insight. They MAY be able to make your wife tell you what the REAL problem is.

GEJ Till 2019!

Exebi,

Listen to me very carefully and please don’t be upset if I use your experience to give insight to others.

If all you say about yourself is true – and I’m responding assuming it is - you have two basic problems;

1. You are not living up to your wife’ expectations of you
2. You are trying too hard to please her

1. For many (Naija) women, marriage is a question of ticking boxes. Boxes ticked, they then seek to “force their wills” on the situation. Her expectations have nothing to do with you per se - in terms of forming them - but all to do with you in terms of delivering them.

Even if her expectations are unrealistic, and had no input or agreement from you, you are still to blame. Even if you meet her expectations and she changes them – without you being involved or knowing – you are still to blame. “That is the pain you are causing her”. She is frustrated, she blames you, you will get it in the neck

Has anyone noticed how in a relationship (especially pre-marriage) a woman gets all moody when things are not going according to her plan?

Very few women possess the graciousness and understanding to clearly articulate what they want and at the same time equally and realistically consider the man’ position and wholeheartedly work with it.

(Single men, these are the ones you should be looking to marry – having made yourselves worthy – all the others are simply not worth the effort. They are either not right, or not ready – at least at that point – so simply pass them over. In some cases, she may be a “bit short” but moving in the right direction. You can be patient if you have the time or even work with them if they are close, but queue them accordingly, while you continue to search for the prize.)

2. All you’ve written is one long narrative of trying to win her over. To do what she wants to make her happy. Please stop it.


Good news;
Althoughyou have 2 problems, there is the one fix. Put your cojonés back on display. Establish your frame of reference as a man and stick to it – regardless of her mood, her anger, her rude utterances, her general bad behaviour.

Let me give you an example; The check-in business, it went all wrong and “you apologised” and you “asked her” what she would have you do. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

You are a man, always take charge of such situations unless you have a prior agreement. The reason she took charge is because she didn’t see you as man enough. It’s also why she couldn’t answer your question – the answer to which is “be a man”.

Once she realises that you are immovable, she will shape up. It will in all likelihood not be a quick fix, but there is no reason why you shouldn’t see early improvement – and possibly some resitance as she tries to re-assert herself. Do not waver. It is the best way to turn your marriage into what you desire. And I wrote assuming you want to keep your home.

And please, stick a bun in her oven quick time


Hope this helps.


TV

2sexi:
OP, money is the problem! Nothing else.

A lot of people posting on the thread have indicated this is the issue. Maybe I am deceiving myself, but I do not want to believe it. Maybe you guys are right..?

I do not want to believe it, because it is not as if have asked her to take up the majority of household expenses. As i said, I bear at least 80% of household expenses - it was probably over 90% at one point. She still earns her very large salary and deposits it in her account - supposedly saving for the family's rainy day - to which she has not shared with me any details of the savings. So I am not bothering her to take up household expenses, so why should money be the problem. Other than her hearing me cry about my business struggles (and my cry is essentially when I ask her: "please intensify prayer for my business" or my not being able to engage in some luxurious expenditures I used to - there really is no difference. But again, maybe I am deceiving myself. To me the absence of luxurious expenditures is not a big issue - as long as the rent is paid and we are eating, healthy and clothed. Maybe to her it is.

I am really confused...

Some comments here have resonated though -even though painful.

Please keep sharing and contributing. I am listening/reading and praying. I hope to take a definitive decision soon..but just want to be sure I am in sync with God's perfect will.

Thank you.

ELLYsian:
OP, you should have married a prayerful woman.

You are RIGHT! I foolishly thought I did...but the red flags were there prior to marriage. She is spiritually weak and lazy. My heart is in pain.

Assuming you are right in your ocmments below that I married "a very terrible wife". What do I do now?! This is a serious question. Thank you.

Can you also comment more on this comment of yours:

"Funny enough, a preacher said something yesterday. He said "Some men and women get married to their Wives/husbands and their destinies shutdown immediately. It closes completely and never ever opens again simply because they married a particular person"
Classic case of marrying the enemy!

How does one determine they are in such a situation? And if they are, what do they do about it to rectify the situation? To open up the destiny again? These are also serious questions. Thank you for taking the time to answer them.

DukeNija:


I'm very sorry to tell you but I think you married a very terrible wife. Why didn't you seek the face of God b4 marriage? Why didn't you marry someone who loves God and prayers like you? Why didn't you see that she isn't really the humble, meek, supportive proverb 31 wife?
You got carried away by her intelligence, beauty and charm that you thought u've hit jackpot.

Breaking news: this woman is wrong for you because she does not have the same spirit as you, she doesn't have a good understanding of God, she doesn't have the fear of God, she doesn't have respect for other people not just you, she's proud and looks down on others and can even trample on them if given the chance, she saw you as a successful businessman with potentials and when the chips came down she realized you weren't whom or what she had in mind. You do not know the whereabouts of her finances despite the fact that she has a great job with a great salary, she could be financing a project or "projects" as a backup just incase this marriage comes to an end, doesn't contribute much in the house financially.
Bros, I think you are in for a long thing. How long will you continue to suffer like this? 10yrs, 20yrs, 30yrs? I don't know what else to advice you other than for you to continue praying without her getting involved, ask her to contribute financially to reduce the burden on you, and please don't have kids yet just incase.
Funny enough, a preacher said something yesterday. He said "Some men and women get married to their Wives/husbands and their destinies shutdown immediately. It closes completely and never ever opens again simply because they married a particular person"
Classic case of marrying the enemy!
Peace!

Ilekokonit:
The minute you can see hate in those same eyes you once saw love, the marriage is over

This woman hates you and once they start, they don't stop.
Start planning for your singleness as in her mind, she would prefer you to be dead so that she can move on with her life
She sees you as unnecessary baggage possibly because things are not working out as you planned YET

These comments resonated with me..and it is frightening. Yes sometimes I feel she has flipped from loving me to hating me. I noticed this a while ago and tried multiple times to address it with her to no avail.

What can a man do under these circumstances?

exebi:


A lot of people posting on the thread have indicated this is the issue. Maybe I am deceiving myself, but I do not want to believe it. Maybe you guys are right..?

I do not want to believe it, because it is not as if have asked her to take up the majority of household expenses. As i said, I bear at least 80% of household expenses - it was probably over 90% at one point. She still earns her very large salary and deposits it in her account - supposedly saving for the family's rainy day - to which she has not shared with me any details of the savings. So I am not bothering her to take up household expenses, so why should money be the problem. Other than her hearing me cry about my business struggles (and my cry is essentially when I ask her: "please intensify prayer for my business" or my not being able to engage in some luxurious expenditures I used to - there really is no difference. But again, maybe I am deceiving myself. To me the absence of luxurious expenditures is not a big issue - as long as the rent is paid and we are eating, healthy and clothed. Maybe to her it is.

I am really confused...

Some comments here have resonated though -even though painful.

Please keep sharing and contributing. I am listening/reading and praying. I hope to take a definitive decision soon..but just want to be sure I am in sync with God's perfect will.

Thank you.

well, i pray God guide you on the right action to take.

exebi:


These comments resonated with me..and it is frightening. Yes sometimes I feel she has flipped from loving me to hating me. I noticed this a while ago and tried multiple times to address it with her to no avail.

What can a man do under these circumstances?

Please ask yourself and distinguish between the state of having “character flaws” or being “irredeemably evil”.

I’m assuming the former here? If she is evil, then you need to be on your knees up a high mountain. If she is displaying hypergamy, your re-presented frame as a man should ultimately fix that, but you still need to be prayerful and ensure you act in all righteousness.

Women are by nature – and without intense socialisation or deeply held religious beliefs – prone to hypergamy. That is what I essentially explained to you earlier, whilst showing you the way ahead.

What you have to be careful of, is allowing her to get to the point of utterly despising you, which is what it sounds like from your above response and could make the situation all but irretrievable.

I was half-joking about getting her pregnant, but is there any reason why she has not taken in. And more pointedly, does she still welcome you into her bed? All things being equal, it’s a clear indication that a relationship is in a bad way.

But even with such a situation, you can still turn things around. There will be some things that hold her in the marriage. You must work apace to fully restore it, and see she gets to the point of wanting to be married to you.


TV