The following events took place on Wednesday, November 26th 2014, at the executive chambers of the Federal executive council. The events are a product of the writer's imagination.

Presido sauntered into the council chambers and all the Ministers stood from their chairs as a mark of respect. Today, Presido was donning the Yoruba native attire; he gathered the free flowing agbada clumsily and rested it on his shoulders before taking his seat. The kind of position he is occupying demands wisdom especially with the accusation that he is marginalizing the “Mgbati” people, he decided to wear their native attire in the spirit of Federal Character not minding that he looked funny in it.

Presido cleared his throat as he studied item 4 on the Agenda, “request for procurement of 750,000 units of clean stove and 18,000 wonder bags”. He looked in the direction of the Minister of women affairs whose ministry is responsible for the proposal. “Oya Madam, let’s hear from you”.

“Your Excellency, in line with your transformation agenda (starting with the usual refrain among council members) and your 35% affirmative action policy, my ministry wishes to procure clean stoves and wonder bags to alleviate the suffering of our rural women. Presido chuckled at the mention of wonder bag, it was the first time he was hearing that word. The Minister reeled out so many benefits of the magic stove before taking her seat.

Dr. Adesina, the Agric Minister at this point signaled his interest to contribute to the debate. Mr. President he said, this is a good initiative. Just like we did with our E-wallet system that dismantled the fertilizer cartel, we can ensure that the stove gets directly to the rural women. This can help make our farmers live longer and contribute more to our drive for food security.

His colleague in Trade and Investment adjusted his tie and stood up to make his contribution. He looked at the Minister of Finance who had been busy scribbling down some notes and studying the proposal with keen attention as if she was seeing it for the first time. Your Excellency, we can attract FDI by contacting the South African manufacturer, Sarah Collins, to come over here and set up an assembly plant just like we did with the Automobile Policy. That way, we can provide jobs and increase the capacity of our local artisans.

The debate was getting interesting but Presido was worried that her Super Minister had yet to say something. Her silence meant she had some reservation about the proposal.

Sensing the gaze of Presido, she looked up and made to get up from her seat but not before adjusting her head gear. She started, “the only reservation I have about this proposal Your Excellency”… Ehen, I know she must have some reservations, this World Bank woman sef, Presido thought to himself.

Mr. President, Dr. Okonjo continued, in the 2014 budget we earmarked 90 million Naira for these items so I am surprised that 9.2bn is now being requested. I hope it will not be like the fuel subsidy when we overspent what was budgeted for and the NASS gave me 50 stupid questions to answer. My other worry is that we’ll need about 55 million USD for this procurement which will put strain on the Naira we are trying to stabilize. But on the other hand Mr. President, this initiative can create 5,000 direct jobs in the first tranche and another 20,000 jobs in the next four years. It can reduce mortality rate in the rural area by 20% and we can double that figure in the next 4 years.

Presido wanted to smile but restrained himself, her ability to conjure figures and statistics marveled him. He looked around the room as if searching for someone to bail him out and provide answers to the cogent questions the Finance Minister had raised.

His eyes rested on his chubby SSA on public affairs Doyin Okupe. Sometimes he wondered how this man can be adding weight even with his herculean task of keeping critics like the Loquacious Lia Mohammed in check.

The big man stood up and in his rambunctious manner, he started gesticulating even before he opened his mouth. Your Excellency he began, let’s look at political benefit of this initiative. This is a perfect campaign tool. Imagine the number of people that will vote for you if they receive this stove. No government since 1960 has ever thought of it and this goes to prove my assertion that you are the best president Nigeria had ever had. Presido grinned widely as other council members nodded their heads in agreement with Doyin’s submission.

Your Excellency, I will immediately contact TAN people to run an advert with the clincher “I have no stove to cook”, in fact we can distribute rice before the elections just like Ayo Fayose so that our enemies will not complain that people were given stove without food.

Presido agreed with him. For once, this man did not speak like an attack dog. He looked around and everybody seems to be in agreement. Even Madam Okonjo seems to have forgotten about the issue of due process. Maybe she has finally started reasoning like a politician.

Just as Presido was about to close the meeting, Mr. Abati walked over to whisper something to his ears. From the sudden change in his demeanor, it seems the Boko boys have struck again. Council confirmed it when he told Rueben “just go and edit the last speech and release a press statement”.

@honest4change

hahahahaha

D

.....new slogan of saTANist in chief