Padiman is a big idiot. He now chopped your money. If not he was an expert in babalawo, I would have said he deserves a slap. But I was frikking laughing my head off when he asked whether 'them don share food finish'. The guy fool waa.

This Nnenna girl, wey thing koraa dey worry am. She wants to get trouble for my Flow. In her boyfriend's car. Aaba!!!!! Oh, but the Barrack boy thing be issue, o. You should have said you're from one town in the SE, maybe, Onitsha or Enugu or your hometown in Imo State. Anyway, keep the story flowing. But you had me laughing anyhow at your 'letter' to Nnenna's boy. Kai, Flow. See how you are describing the guy like he is from a horror movie. OMG.

Since what Nnenna did to me in her boyfriend’s car, I prevented her like Ebola.

Our paths only crossed at Goldberg whenever we watched football.


So in the evening of 18th April 2015, while we watched match at Goldberg, unfortunately she sat close to me.

“Man U go win this match oh” I announced, “who go put am money?”

“Man U lose oh, put am money, How- much How-much?” Nnenna was in for a bet.

“How Chelsea go win Man U?” I wasn’t sure I said that.


“if you get mind put am money na?” Nnenna brought out 2 one thousand naira notes.

“make we put am 2-2k na? if you know say you be man, bet with me” She challenged me.


There was a 1,000 Naira and a 50 Naira note in my wallet, but that money was for the community.

Community money can best be described as money contributed by the community. A community that made up Flow, Snow and Junior.

We had contributed 350 Naira each for soup to be cooked, and as unfortunate as it sounds, I held the money, and that was the same money I was on the verge of placing as a bet for my Beloved team Manchester United.

“Goerge na you go hold the money!” Nnenna said.

And that was in the Era when I and George were not in talking terms because he said I wasn’t giving him his due respect as a married man.





George had once said I called him “boy” when I said “boy how far!” as a greeting to him. That he wasn’t a boy but a full fleshed man.

No be small thing oh! The thing com cause kata-kata oh! Fight!


“Flow why you call me boy?” He queried, “I be your mate?”

“hahahahahahahaha! guy na greeting na” I replied.

“abeg I no want that kin greeting!”

“wetin dey do you sef, you no go calm down?” I said.

“na who you dey tell calm down? Na who you dey tell calm down?” Before I knew it he stood in front of me eyeballing me and ready for a fight.

“wetin be that? You wan fight am?” Junior said.

“yes! I wan fight am! Why him go call me boy?” George yelled.


Like wild wind, our George pushed me, and like Spiderman I flew and landed in a gutter.

I landed not partially but wholly.

Where I stay in Port Harcourt has this poor drainage that whenever it rained, the road will be flooded, the gutter will be filled and people will walk bare foot unless their shoes where canoe.

I landed in the gutter that contained disgusting water above my waist level.

Soaked with “kpoto-kpoto” from the waist below, I jumped out of the “swimming pool” and landed George a straight punch as a “thank you” massage for making my trouser starched.

He sent a “you are welcome!” massage as a punch to my solar plexus.

I grabbed him the Floyd Mayweather way, while he jabbed my jaw like Manny Pacquiao.

As cool as ice and twice as nice, his punches were cool but not nice to my jaw, as I felt it dislocated.




In pidgin, there is what is called “Gidigbo”. I think it originated from Yoruba language. It literally means Fighting Judo.

I forgot Taekwondo and fought Judo.

I heard my trouser tore, but that was not a problem.

The problem at that juncture was how to get George into the same gutter he sent me to.


I heard uproar from the people that gathered and few came to separate the fight, but I knew none of the few that separated was a GBS parliamentarian even though the fight was in front of GBS.


“Do unto others what you want others to do onto you” The Holy book says, as I tried dragging him into the gutter, I never knew he had the same evil in mind.


Like Nail and Magnet we stuck. Gravity was failing me, then we both fell into the gutter and a great splash occurred.

Landing in the gutter for the second time gave me strength and I sent two straight punches and two upper cut to him, these were not replied initially, later a light punch to my chest was the reply.


It was a cool bath indeed, as I saw blood flowed around.

“my teeth oh!” I heard him cried.

I pitied him and helped him searched for his lost tooth in the pool. Talk of when your opponent suddenly have your interest at heart in the middle of a fight.


“I no see your teeth na!” I said, “but all your teeth complete na” I could see there was no lost tooth, or was that his gimmick to make the fight end?




In the University of Life, there are Graduates and there are undergraduates, George is rather an undergraduate in year one in a State Polytechnic when it came to fight. The same applies to his Aba brother Fix something. As for Bush shaker, not even a WWE wrestler could beat him in a fight. Reason being that his father was the president of National Babalawo Association (NBA), Rumuigbo branch. I can Imagine my Landlord as the Secretary of the association and Padiman as the Treasurer.

What is it with Ikwerre men being Babalawos?


Bush shaker never failed to tell whoever cared to listen that his father was legendary when it came to Babalawo matters, and that whoever has the gusts to fight him should try.

I will never forget the day the pendulum bob swung to Godwin.

That day Godwin will never forget in a hurry. And I too will never ever forget, likewise Junior.


Bush shaker had told Godwin that he wouldn’t pay for the haircut because it wasn’t to his specification, and Godwin being the lover of money he was, refused him leaving without paying, so began the fight.


A “one blow, instant cripple” fight it was indeed.

Just a blow, and I saw Godwin lying on the floor shaking like a Jelly fish in salt water.

It was an ugly sight to behold, so I headed for the door; not me alone, but I and Junior.

We were stopped abruptly by Bush shaker who ran to the door and locked it refusing us exit.

“where una think say una dey go?” His eyes turned brown.

“we….. we…… we….” Junior stammered.

“make una two go sidon!” Before he finished saying that I was already seated.

“if him die, na una two go carry him body!” Bush monster said.

At that point I saw not only a monster in Bush shaker, I saw a vampire too.

“You!!” He pointed at our direction.

“who? him?” I pointed at Junior, who was also pointing at me.

“you Flow!” Bush vampire yelled. At that point I saw his teeth was already growing longer, or was it my eyes?

“go and carry him up, and put him on that chair!”

“who? Me?”

“yes you!!” He shouted.

I “snail walked” to pick up dear Godwin and I wished he wouldn't magnet me and I would be crippled also.

“hurry!” Bush Alien yelled.

I fumbled as I put Godwin on the chair because he was as heavy as a dead body. Was he dead?


As I sat back close to my friend Junior, I was sitting on a wet seat. Our dear Junior had peed on the seat.



Next, Bush vampire after incantation tapped Godwin on his head and he sneezed back to land from the marine world.





Bush shaker threatened to make I and Junior run mad if we ever reveal what happened that afternoon to anyone, I pray I don’t go mad after typing this to you my dear ardent readers. In fact I have prayed so fervently before this update.

I have never feared any friend of mine for Voodoo sake save Man wey dey reason and Bush shaker. With all due respect to Man wey dey raeson, i fear Bush shaker more.

Since that day I have been so morbidly scared of Bush shaker that i couldn't even sit on the same seat with him, and Snow wondered why.











I waited patiently for Manchester United to equalize the goal Hazard nailed in the 38th minute, but to no avail.

George mocked me so much that I felt like crying.

86th minute, and no show.

90th minute and 5 minutes additional time was given.

Then Herrera dived and was given a yellow card.

“e no go better for your papa! Useless player!” I cursed. And the house laughed so hard.

“wetin dey do this Man U sef! So na ordinary Chelsea them no fit win?” Final whistle went.




After the match and Nnenna and George jubilated, I wished I could plead with them to give me back the money that was for Okro soup, that the bet was all a joke.



If wishes were Roses.

MannyAgyeiK:
This Nnenna girl, wey thing koraa dey worry am. She wants to get trouble for my Flow. In her boyfriend's car. Aaba!!!!! Oh, but the Barrack boy thing be issue, o. You should have said you're from one town in the SE, maybe, Onitsha or Enugu or your hometown in Imo State. Anyway, keep the story flowing. But you had me laughing anyhow at your 'letter' to Nnenna's boy. Kai, Flow. See how you are describing the guy like he is from a horror movie. OMG.

hahaha! you are funny

u don use adashe money play betting

Hahaha! Eyyyaaa sowi o flow baba, you 4get say no refund of money after bet?

Vote Trypa for Mrs Nairaland, don't forget!

flow1759:
Vote Trypa for Mrs Nairaland, don't forget!

. Who be trypa again ?wetin she go give us make we vote for her,cos this is election and we need to be "mobilized".

No lie will live forever.




Gift had severally lied to me that I was the Sugar in her Tea, the Cockroach in her cupboard, and all what not.

Not until I read a message in her phone.

The message read thus: Honey pie! When will you be coming, today or tomorrow? I am already in my village and making arrangements for you to come and see my parents as planned”.


That message pierced so deep into my heart of heart.



“if I have someone that I want to marry nkor!” Gift yelled, ”what can you do about that?”?

“so that is what you have to say abi?”

“yes! That is what I have to say!” She was shouting, “if 1 O’clock no gree nack, make e comot for road make 2 O'clock nack”




“if 1 O’clock no gree nack, make e comot for road make 2 O'clock nack” So I had all of a sudden turned to 1 O’clock that had refused to clock?


“is it me that you are telling that?” My temper rose.

“yes! I am talking to you!"

"After all i have done for you?" What had i actually done for her? I think i had bought her Suya 200 Naira twice and recharged her phone with 100 three times. That was all.


"You can’t even take care of a Goat not to talk of a girl!” My temper rose higher.

“Are you talking to me?”


“you I’diot!!” I landed her a hot slap.

“What! You slap me?”



“and I will slap you again!” I landed another hotter slap.

Soon, she bent down and was crying, little did I know she was regrouping for counter attack.

She cried River Niger while my ego grew that “I am the man!”

I sat on the bed feeling on top of the world for beating my woman because she wanted to leave my life.



Few minutes of crying.

She stood up, walked towards where I sat and said; “Flow! you slapped me?”

“yes! And I will do that over and over again!” I stood like an Army commander.





“prooooohhh!!” She kicked my egg hard.

And my egg was smashed.

I thought I felt droplets of my unborn children dripped.

“eeeeeaaahhh! My pri………..” I couldn’t complete that before she landed me a hot slap.



“my p’ricccckkkk!!!” I cried.

He pain was excruciating.


“Next time don’t you ever mess with an Enugu girl!”



Guess what? She kicked my b’alls again.


Black out!

I passed out instantly.



In the land of the spiritual, I sat in a bar drinking with my friends and from nowhere Stephnie Okereke bashed my G wagon with her Tundra.

“what is this? You are you blind?” I "tabooned" without seeing the person that bashed.

Don’t look up “tabooned” in the advance English Dictionary because you will not see it.

Ask a typical Yoruba guy around you, because I no get time to come dey explain.

As she walked towards me, i realized who bashed me! Black Monalisa, Stephenie Okereke.


“are you talking to me?” She came closer.

How beautiful!! Black is indeed beautiful.


“Me? How will I be talking to you, am I drunk?” Which I was.

Just her hands on my chest made me forgot my name.


“I think I like you, what is your name?” She said looking at me seductively.


“my name is……. My name is………….” She caressed my chest and went downwards.

“my name………… My name is…………………” She brought her mouth close to mine for a kiss.


I opened my mouth and closed my eyes and I was about kissing, suddenly………….......


“smspalalalaaaash!” Water was poured on my head.



“oh God! Snow and Junior una be bad belle oh!” I shouted, “una be real enemy of progress!”

"now wey i wan do work with one fine babe!!"

“you be Goat oh!” Snow said, “you wey don die wey we bring back to life nahim dey open mouth dey talk about babe!”



Such kind of death!

Alexgeneration:
. Who be trypa again ?wetin she go give us make we vote for her,cos this is election and we need to be "mobilized".

Mayb I won't b able to give u anything but u can still help dear plz muahh

Trypa:



Mayb I won't b able to give u anything but u can still help dear plz muahh

. Your name is Cynthia right?

Alexgeneration:
. Your name is Cynthia right?

Let's do it for her.

Then for Mr Nairaland anytime that comes up, flow1759 is the man.

I fit win oh!

If you think say I no be fine boy check my profile picture.

Trypa give then the link

Alexgeneration:
. Your name is Cynthia right?

Yes dear am cynthia

Dis is the link thanks https://www.nairaland.com/2299475/miss-nairaland-
contest-2015-campaign

[quote author=flow1759 post=33644860]




If you think say I no be fine boy check my profile picture

Nah Nah nah, i wasnt expecting that .....Was that a joke?? cos you no fine

Trypa:



Yes dear am cynthia

. Wow,that's my bae's namesake.I promise to vote for you sweetie. I'll suggest you take ur campaigns to the headquarters (front page) cos I've seen lots of candidates there but I've not seen yours.

Alexgeneration:
. Wow,that's my bae's namesake.I promise to vote for you sweetie. I'll suggest you take ur campaigns to the headquarters (front page) cos I've seen lots of candidates there but I've not seen yours.

Front page

I thought we were banned to take it to front page!

https://www.nairaland.com/2299475/miss-nairaland- contest-2015-campaign
Vote trypa house

[quote author=Holamidhe post=33648092][/quote]

Wetin you mean?

I no fine, i no fine, Nahim girls dey fall for me. If you see one girl wey dey fall me now ehn? no worry i go add am for this story.

Do you want me to show my pictures with Six packs and..................................etcetera

flow1759:
Vote Trypa for Mrs Nairaland, don't forget!

Voting postponed till 18th May. Oga flow thanks for d posts o! But I want more... How e go b naaaa?











On other matters, any arsenal fan in d house? I wan bet United-Arsenal game o! United to win. 2k!

eROCK247:
Voting postponed till 18th May. Oga flow thanks for d posts o! But I want more... How e go b naaaa?











On other matters, any arsenal fan in d house? I wan bet United-Arsenal game o! United to win. 2k!

So vote for mi plz

flow1759:


Wetin you mean?

I no fine, i no fine, Nahim girls dey fall for me. If you see one girl wey dey fall me now ehn? no worry i go add am for this story.

Do you want me to show my pictures with Six packs and..................................etcetera

Yes please.....

What should a person do when things go wrong? Read this intriguing short story: http://opeyemioladotun..com/2015/05/must-read-short-story-when-things-go.html#more

Trypa:



Front page

I thought we were banned to take it to front page!

I'm not sure about that, but I saw lots of the campaigns on the front page.

flow1759:


Wetin you mean?

I no fine, i no fine, Nahim girls dey fall for me. If you see one girl wey dey fall me now ehn? no worry i go add am for this story.

Do you want me to show my pictures with Six packs and..................................etcetera

.
Pls don't try that

Trypa:


Yes dear am cynthia

Cynthia morgan?? ...Anyways,am going to vote for you

“Flow now wey your man don win election as president, wetin you go do for all of us na?” Bush shaker asked at GBS one afternoon.


“me? Wetin I go do?” I said.

“yes na? wetin you go do for us na?” Godwin said.

“all of una dey crase oh! Shey Buhari na my Papa?”

“You no go celebrate am?” Fix Something said.

“I go celebrate am na!”

“I wan celebrate am with my birthday, after inauguration!” I said.

“which one be inauguration again?” Junior asked.

“Inauguration na when Inno get Ogo wey be like decoration” Snow explained.

I so much loved Snow's explanation; just that Innocent the younger brother to Utoro was “Ogoless”, His head was as flat as my Nursery black board.

“But Inno no get Ogo na?” A f’oolish Junior asked.





Talk of the devil, then came the devil’s elder brother.

“Utoro doro dey! Good evening sir!” Fix Something hailed.

“eeh! My people! How una dey?”

I know by now you are wondering why Fix Something greeted Utoro as "Sir", Well it is simply because Fix Something at 32, Utoro was old enough to be his father.

Yet he mingled with boys and girls younger enough to be his sons and Daughters.



Daughter! Utoro’s daughter was out of this world.

goddess from up above!

Black berry!

The type Tupac called, “the blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice, the darker the flesh the deeper the roots”


I will never forget the day I paid Utoro an unwarranted visit just to see his daughter again.

If you see a tattoo in my palm, know it is as a result of what happened the day i visited.


I sat outside admiring the breathtaking beauty of the backside of Nse Utoro’s daughter while she cooked outside.

Whenever she bent down to blow air into the fire, I strained my neck to just get a glimpse of what she wore inside, just a glimpse and nothing more, save Utoro noticed where my eyes were focused and planked my head as he planked Fix something’s on Christmas day because he saw him hugging his daughter in the dark.


The Afang soup she warmed was done and it remained to bring down the pot from the fire.

“Don’t worry Nse, I will help you” I offered, “such a beautiful girl like you shouldn’t be doing that yourself”

I no know who send me message oh.

“use the rag!” She offered me a rag.

“never mind, I carry hot things with bare hands, and they wouldn’t hurt me” I said.

“my hands are made of leather” I teased.

Even leather is burnt when a certain amount of hotness comes in contact with it.

My rather dull brain told me that since it wasn’t some 10 minutes she place the pot on the fire, the pot handle might not be that hot, and since I had been practicing carrying a pot down on bare hands at home whenever I cooked Noodles, I could also do it for Nse who I claimed to crush on.


“don’t hurt yourself!” She warned, “use the rag!”

“never mind! I can do it”


Like my brain contained salt water, I walked to the fire stand, and like an “Ewu Gambia” I stretched out my hand to grab the pot handle.



“wooop!” I thought I saw my hand melted.

As a big boy, I no wan f’uck up, because na Bleep up if say tears comot for my eyes. So I pretended the pot was as cool as ice.


“comot for road!! Comot for road!!” I rushed to where she said I should keep the pot.

“not there! Its here!” She pointed at a place farther.


Like plastic in fire, I saw my hands melted after I dropped the pot.

What a life sef?


“sorry oh! Sorry!” Was all that ended it, she couldn’t even give me a taste of the Afang Soup she warmed, or called me aside and gave me a taste of the Afang soup warming in between her legs. Or better still, offered me both as an award for my f'oolishness.



Utoro had never stopped to sing song of praises that his three daughters are all v’irgins.

I oftentimes told him I was a v’irgin too, that if me and her daughter Nse marries, our Honeymoon will be in V’irgin island, and our first child will be a girl, we will name her V’irginia……… And I think I will take V’iagra that night before having sex with her to add to the Vs.













“una dey hear wetin dey happen for this Nigeria so?” The Information Minister said.

Utoro is our information minister, no gainsaying that. He oftentimes feed us with more wrong information that right ones.


“them wan plan to kill Buhari oh” He said, “Them wan poison am!”

That was like a fire to my spirit.

“you say wetin?” I was by the day becoming a fanatic to the man Buhari.

“who wan poison am?”

“na Jonathan and Obasanjo na”

What combination?

Like pouring a handful of sand into a cup of Ijebu Garri.

“Utoro you dey talk nonsense oh!” Bush shaker said.

No respect to a man old enough to be his father. Well, Utoro caused it all, “when an elder allows little children to play with his s’crotum, he should expect that someday they will demand it for meat” goes an adage.

Na me form that adage wey I just blow so oh. I just form am now-now. Creativity things na!




“I no know why you sabi pass wrong information oh!” Snow said, "where you dey get them this information from sef"

“ne true I dey tell una na, I read am for paper this morning” Utoro said

“na lie abeg!” Bush Shaker said.

“see, I know say I dey sabi give una wrong information, but this one na correct information, I swear!”


My fellow parliamentarians rained abuses on Utoro, but I did not join them because I was sure I might as well be insulting my father in-law to be.

Junior too did not join them. Maybe because Utoro's wife sold groundnut to him for free. Or maybe not.



“Flow! You go follow me go church this evening?” Junior asked

Since I really needed Jesus lately, and since the request came from a first class sinner like Junior, I answered saying “yes!” without thinking.

“na by 5, e go soon start” Junior said, “make we go dey prepare na”

As we walked home to get prepared for church, it instantly dawned on me that Junior is a Jehovah’s Witness, and we were going to a Kingdom hall.


A church I never liked.

Holamidhe:
.
Pls don't try that

Why?

I am very Macho oh.

I have added a pack to make it seven packs recently

Holamidhe:
Cynthia morgan?? ...Anyways,am going to vote for you

Tnks dear n campaign too love u muahh

Alexgeneration:
I'm not sure about that, but I saw lots of the campaigns on the front page.

Hmm ok o

But ur vote counts dear n campaign too plzz

Luv u muahh

Trypa:



Hmm ok o

But ur vote counts dear n campaign too plzz

Luv u muahh

Dear Trypa,
I will love you to win, but I went to that link you provided and behold i saw so many campaigns but i did not see your's. Wetin dey happen na? You no get campaign manager?.


Dear Readers and Fans of flow1759,
I will love us to make things happen for this my newly found friend. Please! Am on my knees. Please!
I would want someone to volunteer to be her her campaign manager (that is if she don't have one already). I will be the happiest man if she wins. And jokes apart, I declare I will be coming out for Mr Nairaland, I think i have the qualities, Abi how una see am?


Back to you Trypa
Two ways, You either pay by cash or by kind when you win. I will prefer kind.



NA JOKE OH

Trypa I will stand in as ur campaign manager that if I want me to handle all ur campaign program and make u win like APC. if yes inbox me with ur reply and means of payment. For flow am doing these o.