flow1759:


Na this time una dey chop afternoon food for una house?

B4
Or is it nt afternoon yet?

eROCK247:
LoL. My ribs o!!! :DLoL. My ribs o!!! Can't wait for the next update.

Your ribs go soon fall comot, just wait.

flow1759:


Hahahahahahaha This new one reminds me of the days i tucked in long sleeves shirt in my boxers short just to look funny.

I will cry o

lolz. Weldone o.

princesssusan:

B4
Or is it nt afternoon yet?

Last time i checked, a typical "Ajekpako" eats breakfast by 11 and lunch by 4.

Abi you be Ajebutter?

flow1759:


Last time i checked, a typical "Ajekpako" eats breakfast by 11 and lunch by 4.

Abi you be Ajebutter?

Nope jez an upgraded ajekpako

That afternoon Ilorin called telling me that since there was no job he could hunt, that he had decided to teach in a secondary school for a pay of 25,000 naira per month.


You all know Ilorin na! Ilorin from Man wey dey reason. The same Ilorin that rubbed Aboniki balm on his s’crotal sack.



I asked him about his son Tobi, he said he was fine, but that there was no money to send him to a good school, so he sent him to a government school that was tuition free.


He told me he had finally rented his own apartment and had left his father’s house. I commended him for that, saying it was better late than never.

I told him the next was to get married, to give his son Tobi a mother.


My friend Ilorin’s case could be regarded as a pity case. After impregnating a girl while serving, he decided to go back to the street to acquire a masters degree in “Agberology” the course of study for touts.

His dreams to be an Agbero with a passion, the Police killed.

He saw the Police station severally for picking pocket. Although I saw no trace of “picking Pocketism” in him while we served, I recalled him pouring kerosene into Angom pot of beans just because Angom refused lending him some money, that is more cruel than picking pocket. Abi how una see am?












“guy I want make we dey follow Otukpa talk back oh!” Junior said in the morning of 6th January this year.

“that wicked boy!”

Wicked indeed, and I heard he was supporting Nyesom Wike for Governor. While we three supported Dakuku Peterside.

“when the time come we go follow am talk!” Snow said.

“I want make we follow am dey talk very soon oh” Like our Junior dreamed of Otukpa serving him a basket of Potatoes.



“guy Potatoes dey hungry me oh” Junior announced.

“where you wan see Potatoes buy na?” Snow took the words off my mouth.

“we go go Rumuigbo market go buy am na?”






It had never happened since time immemorial that the three of us agreed on a thing and set to achieve that thing except that thing was food. Or food related.


Three of us wore three quarter shorts and bounced to the market like three wise men, three food men rather.



“make we enter Padiman shop go greet am!” I suggested as we entered the market.

As we walked towards Padiman’s Garri shop, I saw Tosin sat innocently in her mother’s provision shop, and I greeted; “Tosin how far?”, but she answered me not.


“why that girl no answer you na?” Junior asked.

“hahahahahaha!!” I just laughed.

“why you dey laugh na?” Junior was all ears I could see.

“if you see wetin that gril cause for me and Snow ehn!” I said.

“wetin she cause for una?” I saw Juniors ears close to my mouth.


“she cause us make we no eat night food one night”.




Snow had been admiring Tosin for long, so one night…………………..


He sprayed Junior’s infamous Togo perfume on his red T-shirt and set for the mission; the mission to win Tosin’s heart.

Fortunate enough for him, Tosin took her usual road.

It didn’t take a wink before, from the distance I stood watching, I saw a slap landed on Tosin’s succulent chin.


“wetin happen na?” I thought I was dreaming.

As I saw another slap landed on her chin, I concluded “Water don pass Garri”, so I ran, I ranned I mean to say.





It was later that night when Snow came to meet me at home that he told me what Tosin said that warranted the slap “duo”.

That she insulted his perfume; telling him he smelt like a new born bady p’oo.



I and Snow thought that was the last we would hear from Tosin, little did we know we will be visited by "Drillers" that same night.







“the Yam don dey don, e remain small” I told Snow as I entered the room from the kitchen that night.




Soon, there was a knock at the door.

“who be that?” I yelled.

“my friend will you open this door, or I break it” I heard a bass voice from the other side.


“you sure say no be landlord” I whispered to Snow, “you sure say him no carry Police make them come arrest us say we dey owe am?”


“I will not open, break it!!” I returned.




“broooomgum!!” Our door fell like a log of wood.




One huge guy held me by my p’rick while the other held Snow by his belt.

“brother na my p’rick you hold so oh!” I cried out.


“shut up!!! which of you is Snow?” The “huger” (permit me to use that comparative) guy said.

I pointed at Snow while he in turn pointed at me; we were not sure who Snow was.


“no be you be Snow?” I was in fury.

“is not me oh, I am Flow, he is Snow!” Snow denied.

“you no go behave yourself abi!! No be you be Snow?” I was on the verge of crying.

“brothers, no be me be Snow oh, I am Snow!” I said gibberish.

“you are Snow abi?” The “hugest” guy landed a hot punch to my stomach. Were it not that I had not eaten anything that night, I would had threw up, but since there was nothing in my stomach to throw up, I felt my intestine ascending towards my throat.


“eeeeeee eeeeaaah I no be Flow, I be Snow!” I still said gibberish.

“you are Snow abi?” Incandescently, it was clear that I had been christened Snow.



“no oh! He is not Snow” Tosin saved the day, “see Snow here!”



As they dragged Snow outside to give him the beating of his life, I heard the foundation of our cubicle kitchen shook.



Immediately they left, I knelt down, and said a Thank you prayer to God I was not named Snow at birth.


After the prayer, I shook my body unevenly so my intestine will fall back in place. And it did fall back.




The first place my mind went to was to check the kitchen if “Mr. Yam” was still intact in the pot.




As I opened the kitchen door, lo and behold I saw all pieces of Yam on the floor.


This life!!












“naso e happen oh” I finished narrating to Junior, “and since that day, the girl no dey follow me and Snow talk again oh”

“haahahahahahaha! e fuuny sha!!” Junior said, “where I go that day sef?”

“you no dey na” I said, “you dey Edo state dey do POP job”



“But Junior, you know say na that your nonsense Togo perfume nahim cause me make I wound this big wound” Snow showed Junior the scar that was as a result of excess drilling.


“na true him talk na! shebi we don warn you make you no dey buy those Togo perfume again”

princesssusan:

Nope jez an upgraded ajekpako

There you go upgraded Ajekpako. Lunch by 1:36pm

in ryback's of voice: feed me more

Oga Flow. I start dey follow long tee and I got attracted to Literature section of Nairaland. Now see oo. After holding off 2 years, I have finally joined Nairaland. After finishing your 3 prior stories 8 months ago, I thought you were done. So imagine my glee when I saw this story on FP. Like I dey collapse saf. I read with speed of Dom Toretto in Fast and Furious. Wey I come meet you guys. I dey await your next. Flow ogboro. Flow okatakyie. Flow kabiyesi. Carry on, my brotha.

Oga mi weldon o
E remain dinner, abi tym neva rish?

flow1759:


There you go upgraded Ajekpako. Lunch by 1:36pm

“gbooomm gboom!!!” a knock was heard on our door early 15th January.


“who be that?”

“na me?”

"who be you?"

"na me Miracle" The question I so much hated answering whenever i knocked.




“wetin be that?” I opened the door.

“I wan come return una knife!” She handed over our kitchen knife she borrowed earlier to me.

“shebi I don warn you make you no dey return knife early in the morning!” I said.

“but brother…………….”

“eheen! brother wetin?” I cut in.


“your own na to dey return bad-bad object in the morning” I attacked, “if e no be Pepper, e go be Knife, if e no be knife, e go be Hammer”

“but brother you know say anything wey I borrow from una house, if I no return am earlier in the morning, I no go fit return am again till night wey I go come back from my mama shop” She said, “and if I no return am, and una com need am, una go say I no wan give una back una thing wey I borrow”


“ehen that one mean say make you dey give person dangerous object first thing in the morning?”






I will never forget the day she gave Snow our Pepper container and Hammer first thing in the morning, that was the same day Snow received the beating of his life from the “hug….. huger………… and hugest” guys.


“abeg any time wey you wan return any bad object, no knock our door” I said, “just drop am for front of the door”




After I collected the knife and kept it in the kitchen, I went back inside to say a little prayer so the knife I had collected first thing that morning wouldn’t buy me trouble that day. Talk of how people brought bad omen to others.









“gboooomm bgooommm!!” A deafening knock was heard on the door; this time I was sure it wasn’t Miracle.

“who be that?”

“na Landlord!! Open the door!”


“yeaaah! yawa!!” Yawa smelled indeed.

“Snow!! Snow!!” I mistakenly tapped Sandra’s a’ss as Snow’s leg.

“Sorry!” I moved my hand downwards to Snow’s leg.

“Snow!! Snow!!”

“Wake up oh, Yawa don gas oh!” I said, “Landlord dey door oh!”



“nothing dey happen! Open the door make I talk sense to am” Snow jumped up.

He opened the door and we both stood at the door like soldiers facing war front.

Indeed it was a war front talking to the Landlord about anything pertaining to rent, especially when one owed.




“oga Lndlord good morning!” I greeted politely.

“bad morning to una two” He greeted more politely.

“why una no fulfill una promise!?” He thundered.

We had promised him that we would pay half of the six months rent we owed him the previous day, but we failed. The promise was based on the fact that I thought Graceville School would pay me, which they didn’t.


“Landlord the money no com come out oh” I said.

“Make una no bring that leg oh” He said. Not understanding his slang, I took a quick look at my leg position to see if it was brought towards him.


“I no dey for shot bird him mama fly oh!” I again didn’t understand his slang, so I looked at my Brother Snow’s head if a bird perched.


“una must pay me my money! Una no go use una Reggae spoil my Blues” The Landlord so much loved speaking slangs and parables, and Padiman too. Was it in the Babalawo art to do such?

“oga Landlord we no dey spoil any blues!” Snow who earlier said he needed to talk sense to the Landlord was suddenly dumb allowing me alone to do the speaking.


“la la la la………!!” Stammered Snow.

“ti… do…” I almost helped him complete the Music notation.

“La la la Landlord we go pay you!!” He found his voice.

“when una go pay me?”

“as soon as we get the money”

“when be the time, I wan know!" He said "una no get money to pay rent but una go dey carry women we get big nyash”

"oga Landlord that one no concern you na!" I dared not said.


“when una go pay me?”

Landlord’s tone suddenly reduced as Sandra "rolled it" passed heading to the toilet. His mouth was Ajar too.



“ehnn! Make una talk, when una go pay me?” His tone increased immediately Sandra was beyond sight.





“nobody is paying you any money!!” I heard a voice that I wished was God’s.

flow1759:

There you go upgraded Ajekpako. Lunch by 1:36pm

Dinner time never reach?

princesssusan:
Oga mi weldon o
E remain dinner, abi tym neva rish?

There you go. Dinner!

flow1759:


There you go. Dinner!

This is why rove you
So hillarious @ bad omen, i can‘t jez stop laffn.
But wait o, hope say no be sandra wey talk dt last statement. Abeg me i wan know o

MannyAgyeiK:
Oga Flow. I start dey follow long tee and I got attracted to Literature section of Nairaland. Now see oo. After holding off 2 years, I have finally joined Nairaland. After finishing your 3 prior stories 8 months ago, I thought you were done. So imagine my glee when I saw this story on FP. Like I dey collapse saf. I read with speed of Dom Toretto in Fast and Furious. Wey I come meet you guys. I dey await your next. Flow ogboro. Flow okatakyie. Flow kabiyesi. Carry on, my brotha.

Thanks for reading my stories. I promise to always put a smile on your face. I promise.

Flow ogboro. Flow okatakyie. Wetin them mean?

princesssusan:

This is why rove you
So hillarious @ bad omen, i can‘t jez stop laffn.
But wait o, hope say no be sandra wey talk dt last statement. Abeg me i wan know o

You fast oh, now-now now-now you don read finish.

For the question, well, what i will say is "when we reach there you go know"

Na wa o. Who be the idiot wey prove boss to your landlord? If that person no be Bill Gates or Dangote, then, he fool pass. E no know na babalawo e dey mess with. Haba. Anyway, I dey wait make you continue to yan the tori dey go. Repping Ghana. Flow, yenko nkoaa.

MannyAgyeiK:
Na wa o. Who be the idiot wey prove boss to your landlord? If that person no be Bill Gates or Dangote, then, he fool pass. E no know na babalawo e dey mess with. Haba. Anyway, I dey wait make you continue to yan the tori dey go. Repping Ghana. Flow, yenko nkoaa.

When we reach there you go know

flow1759:



Thanks for reading my stories. I promise to always put a smile on your face. I promise.

Flow ogboro. Flow okatakyie. Wetin them mean?

Ogboro be Ghana slang for big man. Wey okatakyie be Twi for great noble or royal. Flow, I dey bow for your writing skills. U be the don oo. Na I just dey hail for my language.

And, on a prior incident I could not comment on, Flow be Nairaland Buhari. Forget Nairaland 'Patience Jonathan' wey dey oppress everyone with her grammar. I no mention name o.

flow1759 Have you tried Wikinut yet? Write about whatever you like and get paid royalties - http://www.wikinut.com/in/ujjgfg/

My belle eyaf want to burst ooooooo

But that Junior guy, the Togo boy, e for be Ewe o? In Ghana, na Ewe people dey like cat meat pass. They be the only people for Ghana wey dey keep cat as farm animal, not pet. Yes, oo, even the rich ones. Wey dem mice and rats dey worry pass.

The ever time-conscious Flow, morn sir! Hope ur nyt wz blissful and eventful. Ur fans/followers don dey 'H' o! How Brkfast go b?

MannyAgyeiK:
But that Junior guy, the Togo boy, e for be Ewe o? In Ghana, na Ewe people dey like cat meat pass. They be the only people for Ghana wey dey keep cat as farm animal, not pet. Yes, oo, even the rich ones. Wey dem mice and rats dey worry pass.

cat as farm animal...lol

“they are not paying any rent!!” The Angel of God said again.

“for they are children of the most high God” I added in my mind.


“you b’astard Landlord, you will collect house rent from tenants and take the money to your shrine to tie their destinies” Padiman said.


Immediately Padiman said that, my mind flashed back to the day the Landlord collected 200 naira from me promising to pay back.

“Flow give me 200 naira, make I take buy Soap, I wan baf!” And I innocently gave him.

After giving him, I heard the bell of his shrine rang.

“so this man carry my money go shrine?”

Since evil works for only those that perpetrated it, I concluded he couldn’t harm me, and because I was prayerful. Or so I thought.







“you evil man!! you will just go about taking people’s destiny in the name of rent!” Padiman attacked.

If that was true, that meant, I, Snow and every other tenants would remain destiny impoverished.

“give me back my destiny oh!” I almost cried out.












“Padiman we need Garri for our house oh” I said one hot afternoon, “how e go be na?”



The Garri Padiman sold could be likened to rubber band; it was so so elastic. Pour a handful of it in hot water and it multiples. Not that alone, it also multiples when eating, and in the stomach too. Little wonder in Rumuigbo market, he had the highest number of customers patronizing him, especially the members of Garri Drinkers Association (GDA) which I, Snow an Junior were members; executives. Rumor had it that “juju” boosted his sales, but I doubted.




“the soup wey Sandra dey cook don don?” I asked Snow as we sat at GBS on the 22nd day of January.

"no oh, e never don"

“Padiman bring Garri come house?” I asked.

“yes, him bring one paint”

“make Sandra cook the soup quick oh” I said, “I dey hungry bad bad”


“wait oh! Na woman dey cook una food for una?” Bush shaker asked.

“yes na, e bad?” Snow said.

“oboy e bad oh”

“how woman go dey cook for una na?” He said, “you no know say she fit put Koblomi for una make una chop?”.




Koblomi is the name love spell is called in pidgin.


“how she go put Koblomi for food wey no be only her boyfriend dey chop?” I said.

“you be m’umu, you no know say some girls dey do Koblomi for many guys” Bush shaker said, “one go dey wash her p’ant, another one go dey go market for her, another one go dey lick her Labia very night”


As he said that, I imagined who would handle which of the positions he mentioned between I, Snow and Junior.

I can never wash no one’s p’ant, that I am sure. I can also never lick no Labia except her Labia was high in Vitamin C and Cholesterol free.

Sandra’s Labia contained high Cholesterol I can testify to that. I testify not because I have licked it before, I testify because I could remember what happened the night she forced Snow to lick it.






“I no fit! I can’t lick you!” Snow pleaded, “it is not hygienic”

“so you don’t love me enough to lick me dry?” Sandra said.

“I Love you but if I lick you I will throw up” Snow said, “I will go sick, don’t you understand?”

“ehen! Throw up! I will clean” Sandra said, “just lick me dry, suck me!”

All they were saying they whispered but my "receptive antenna" ears heard it all.



I opened my eyes.

Albeit the room was dark i saw Brother Snow reluctantly about doing as Sister Sandra wished.


I saw that Brother Snow brought his mouth close to the Labia and “nyama!!!” he licked.

His head was lost as he licked it like a ripe Mango.

Few seconds of licking and I saw Snow rushed out to throw up outside.

And that was in the era when Soldiers ruled outside at night; I mean soldier Ants.

Caring Sandra also rushed out to see if her dear boyfriend had threw up his entire nervous system.

These two really murdered my sleep that night, so I was willing to see the end of the Movie titled Labia.

They came into the room kissing and my ever loyal d’ick responded to the stimuli.







“yeaaaahahahahah! Yeaaaah!”

“yeah!! Yaeaeahheaaa!!”

I thought it was Judgment day as I heard trumpet sounding in the room and so many yelled that made me jumped up.

“wetin happen?” I saw Sandra rolling on the floor.

I thought she was possessed, but as I saw her placed her hand in between her legs in the Labia municipal, I knew what was actually possessed; her Labia.


“my b’lockus oh!!” Snow yelled, “I don die oh!! Ant!!”

"this kin Ant wey enter una two action point wicked oh" I said to myself.


At the left of the room was Snow yelling that Ants were almost eating up his erected p’enis and at the right was Sandra yelling that her Labia had been invaded by Ants, and the room was dark, what was I to do?



“where is the Ant na?” My hands were moving in all the corners of Sandra’s body finally finding the famous Labia.

Like her Labia was magnetic to my fingers, two of my fingers had sank into it in no time.

“no! no there!!” She cried, “its here!!”

“where?”

“here!” she pointed at the Labia that brought out p’oo; the back Labia.


At that juncture I had seen it “all”, both front and back Labia, and even Orange Labia.


“Ant Thank you oh” I said in my mind, “this thing wey Sandra don dey hide from me since, see as I dey press-press am”


“where is it biting you?” Everything was happening in quick successions.

“check here!” She still pointed at her “s’hit hole”.

“here!” I was pressing nyash live.

“no, not there, inside!”

“inside where?” I asked.

“so make I put my finger inside your nyash because I den pursue Ant abi?”



















“no jaz wey woman go jaz me wey go make me dey help her go market!” I boasted.

“guy no talk like that oh” Bush shaker said, “na who no go no know oh!”

Bush shaker spoke of what happened to him in the hands of a fetish Ashanti Lady when he was schooling at the University of Ghana.




“guy no be small thing oh!” He said, “Sotey na me dey wash her p’ant and her younger sister p’ant sef”

“na me dey cook, na me dey wash toilet, na me dey wash her motor wey she no dey gree me drive!” He said.

“when night reach, if I tell her say I don tire, she no go gree oh, she go say I must perform!”

“you see this mark wey dey for my shoulder?” He showed us a healed scar in his shoulder, “na the day wey I cook Beans and e no don nahim she use hot spoon burn me here!”

I really pitied him.

“na one day wey I see say all the suffer-suffer don tire me nahim I pack my load live Ghana enter Naija”

“hahahahahahahahaha!!” We laughed.

“so Ashanti girl wan kill Ikwere boy like you?” Snow said.

“leave that thing oh, na because of that girl nahim make me leave school and I no go back” He said, “and all the school fees wey I don pay just burn like that”.

“and all the Pounds Naira wey you spend for the girl just burn like that!” Godwin punch lined.

“hahahahahahahahahahaha!!” We all laughed.



“abi no be Pounds Naira be Ghana money?”

eROCK247:
The ever time-conscious Flow, morn sir! Hope ur nyt wz blissful and eventful. Ur fans/followers don dey 'H' o! How Brkfast go b?

There you go. Served hot

flow1759:


You fast oh, now-now now-now you don read finish.

For the question, well, what i will say is "when we reach there you go know"

I love my food when is hot.
Hahaha spirit of man wey dey reason yaf entered u ba?

flow u Neva tell us how dat bet wey u go for kalabari wey u carry gym remain two take end o

Chimaritoponcho:
flow u Neva tell us how dat bet wey u go for kalabari wey u carry gym remain two take end o

When we reach there you go know.

Don't worry, you will know

flow1759:

When we reach there you go know.
Don't worry, you will know

shey u go still drop something today na