How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

JUST TOO CUTE.

This is the cleanest E-mail joke
I've come across in a long while!




A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?"
She asked.

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh. ! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.




Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone"

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee,

On his first day, he dialled the kitchen and shouted into the phone:

"Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded:

"You fool; you've dialled the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"

"No" replied the trainee.

"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"

The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"

"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.

"Thank God!" replied the trainee and put the phone down,

If you don't laugh at this one you need to lighten up!



It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?

'Heavens no, we bought it.'

'Then why don't you drive it away.'

'We can't drive.'

'Then why did you buy it?'

'We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed, so we're just waiting.

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

Men are like,

1. Men are like Laxatives . They irritate the crap out of you.

2 Men are like. Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.



4. Men are like Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.



5. Men are like Chocolate Bars , Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like Commercials . You can't believe a word they say.


7. Men are like Department Stores , Their clothes are always 1/2 off!


8. Men are like , Government Bonds , They take soooooooo long to mature.



9. Men are like , Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.


10. Men are like Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms . You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like Lava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very bright.


13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.


Now send this to all the remarkable women you know, as well as to any understanding good-natured, fun kinda guys you might be lucky enough to know !!!!!!!!!!

You have just been KISSED by the Dancing Baby! something good will happen to you at 1:00-4:00 pm tomorrow, it could be anywhere.

Ur 1st and 2nd jokes were ok

They are really good, Very nice too,

An old man traveled to London

An old man traveled to London to visit his children.

One chilly day he decided to take a stroll down Oxford Street. Unfortunately while on his stroll it started raining quite heavily and he decided to take shelter under a store canopy.

While under the canopy, an Englishman who was passing by tried to be friendly to the old man shivering under the canopy.

Here's what happened.

Englishman: Cold ain't it?

Baba Agba: "Ori re ko da! Baba re lo ni shobu ni?
(Translation: " You must be sick in the head, is this your father's shop" ?)

Baba Agba said this because the way the Englishman spoke, he thought he had said "Kuro nihin"
(Translation: Get away from there!)

OGA SALESMAN

Scene inside a Lagos Molue Bus

A salesman was trying to sell a product which he claimed to be a cure for every ailment afflicting the human anatomy.

As he went about his business in the packed and stuffy Molue bus, a woman was trying to pacify her crying baby girl, much to the annoyance of the salesman.

Still, the salesman continued in his efforts to gain the attention of the people in the bus.

As he did so, the cries of the baby continued to wail loudly nearby.

With every passing minute, the salesman grew increasingly agitated at the sound coming from the baby.

When he could not take it any longer, he confronted the woman.

"Efun omo yi loyan now", he shouted at the woman.

"Oyan ko lo fe, ofe pon ni", the woman replied.

"Efun le pon then"

The Three Corpses

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls the police to show them what has happened.

A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken straight to the first body.

"Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress, hence the enormous smile Inspector," says the Coroner.

The Inspector is taken to the second dead man.

"Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

"Nothing unusual here," says the Inspector, and asks to be shown the last body.

"Ah," says the Coroner, "look at this one, he's black. Nigerian, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why the bloody hell is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

The Coroner replies, "It was his first time in the UK and he thought he was having his picture taken."

Igbo Sharpness

After a long period of silence an Igbo guy phones his good pal and the following conversation ensued,

Chike: Nna, How now??, long tam no see you!

Chidi: Nna, I just dey o. Wetin dey happen now ?

Chike: I jus dey, Ah beg, I need your hep for sontin,

Chidi: (grumbles) Na wetin?

Chike: Ah won borrow small money from una

Chidi: Hello? Hello? I can't hear u well o

Chike: I say ah need small money from una

Chidi: Hello? Hello? , dis line no clear o,

Chike: (yelling into the phone) Ah say come borrow me small money abeg!

Chidi: Hello? Hello??, I still can not hear you!

(The phone operator now butts in)
He said he wants you to borrow him money!

Chidi: NNA YOU WEY HEAR AM WELL GI AM THE MONEY NOW! (foolish operator shiooo, )

;d ;d ;d ;d

u dey ;d with ur joke

peeps of NL laff with him nna ;d ;d ;d

helep me beg dem oooo

u try jor

Thanks dear. No mind the bad belle person. Na beef

ayusman16:

OGA SALESMAN

Scene inside a Lagos Molue Bus

A salesman was trying to sell a product which he claimed to be a cure for every ailment afflicting the human anatomy.

As he went about his business in the packed and stuffy Molue bus, a woman was trying to pacify her crying baby girl, much to the annoyance of the salesman.

Still, the salesman continued in his efforts to gain the attention of the people in the bus.

As he did so, the cries of the baby continued to wail loudly nearby.

With every passing minute, the salesman grew increasingly agitated at the sound coming from the baby.

When he could not take it any longer, he confronted the woman.

"Efun omo yi loyan now", he shouted at the woman.

"Oyan ko lo fe, ofe pon ni", the woman replied.

"Efun le pon then"

9ce one

Eheh! Eheh! kakakakakak! Hahahahahahhahaha! heeheeheeheehee! LOL! LMAO!

@all jokes

LMAO!!

MEN NEVER LISTEN !!!!

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament. Sir, she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.

"He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist.

He pushed WW, Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air
replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure . The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving. When the powder puff completed, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

The nurse replied, "The button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

Men Never Listen

The Attitude of Three Hairs
===========================

There was once a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror and noticed she had only three hairs on her head.

"Well," she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today," so she did and she had a wonderful day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw she had only two hairs on her head.

"HMM," she said, "I think I'll part my hair down the middle today," and she did and she had a grand day.

The next morning she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw she had only one hair left on her head.

"Well," she said, "Today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail." So she did and it was a fun, fun day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head.

"YEAH!" she exclaimed, "I don't have to fix my hair today!"

Get a Haircut
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair, "

To which his father replied,"Yes, and they walked everywhere they went!"

LOL!!!!!!

Nice jokes, keep them coming too,

________________________________________
1. Coca-Cola was originally green.
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2. The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
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3.The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.
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4. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
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5. There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
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6. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
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7. Women blink nearly twice as much as men!
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8. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath,
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9. It is impossible to lick your elbow.
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10. People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart stops for a millisecond.
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11. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
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12. The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
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13. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and
die.
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14. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents great king from history.
Spades - King David Clubs - Alexander the Great, Hearts – Charlemagne Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
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15. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
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16. If a statue of a person in the park on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the
air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has a all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
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17 What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers all have in common? Ans. - All invented by women.
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18. Question - This is the only food that doesn't spoil. What is this?
Ans. - Honey
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19. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
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20. A snail can sleep for three years.
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21. All polar bears are left handed.
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22. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
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23. Butterflies taste with their feet.
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24.Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
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25.In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
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26. On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
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27. Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.
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28. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
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29. The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
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30. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
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31. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
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32. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.
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33. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
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34. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
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35. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
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36. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different
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37. And finally 99% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow

Ummm. . . . .very intresting, . . . . . . .

PARTICULARLY LOVE, #4, 23, 25. . . . 

And yeah lipstick contains fish scales??. . . . who woulda thought, thank God for lip gloss!!

LETTER OF RESIGNATION

I am hereby officially tendering my
resignation as an adult. I have decided
I would like to accept the responsibilities
of an 8 year-old.

I want to go to Mr Biggs and
think that it's a four star restaurant.

I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud
puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks.

I want to think biscuits and ice cream are better than
money because you can eat them.

I want to lie under a big mango tree and play with my friends
on a breezy harmattan day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple; When
all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and
nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because
you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't
care.

All you knew was to be happy because you were
blissfully unaware of all the things that should make
you worried or upset.

I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is
honest and good.

I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to
be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly
excited by the little things again.

I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to
consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork,
depressing news, how to survive more days in the month
than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip,
illness, and loss of loved ones.

I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind
word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination,
mankind, and making a positive difference in people's lives.

So, here's my checkbook, my car-keys, my nepa, nitel, and water bills. I am officially
resigning from adulthood.

And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have
to catch me first, cause,

, "Tag! You're it."

A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip. The wife answers:

"Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"

The husband laughs and says: "An English girl !!!"

The woman kept quiet and left. Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?"

"Very good, thank you."

"And, what happened to my present?"

"Which present?" She asked?

"The one I asked for- the English girl!!"

"Oh, that" she said "Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few months to see if it is a girl !!!"

Nun Decorators
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.

The one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."

So they do this, and begin painting their room.

Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?"

"Blind man!"

The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in.

The man walks in, does a double take, and says, "Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

i

those things wey dey disturb u don reinforce again