NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.


(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.


(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in “fine.”


(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!


(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)


(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.


(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome’. That will bring on a 'whatever').


( Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!


(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

@ anus man


cool one, i really enjoyed d jokes
u try small, clap for it

Shut up! Where did u spring from?

anus lover,
simple compliment u start to yab,
i can't really blame though,
people like u are usually dumb and dumber
both in thots, words and actions

U don forget say i inherit am from u!

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:


Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.

Can you please help me?

Sincerely,

Edna



The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:


Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful Gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those Bastards at the post office.

Sincerely,

Edna

ayusman16:

U don forget say i inherit am from u!

nah, u were adopted
dats y am smarter and better


@joke
nice though

A 70 yr old man asks his wife "Do you feel sad when you see me running after young girls?"


Wife replied, "No not at all, even dogs chase cars yet they can ' t drive.

The Prison and the Prisoner

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, You know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" With a SMILE on his face caringly touching her in places, he says "OK, Sweetheart, Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is PPP - Put the Prisoner in Prison. And the rule is that in prison the prisoner does not just lie down there, he really has to work." And then they made heated passionate love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, panting but smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped. Turning on his side, he smiles.
"Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a
suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born fowl.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted. She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her,
"Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY!!!

NIGERIAN CONTRACT
Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day.
One was from Nigeria, another from Germany, and the third from France.

At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living.

When they all replied that they were contractors, the guard said, "Hey
we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look
at it & give me a bid?" So, to the back fence they all went to check it out.

First to step up was the German contractor. He took out his tape measure
and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about
$900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Next was the French contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil,
did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for
materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Without so much as moving, the Nigerian contractor said, "$2,700."

The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, "You didn't even measure like
the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy," he said. "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from France

This is Hilarious, I read all and laughed to the fullest

One of them almost cracked my rib

" "

More, don't give up yet

we will be right back afta this commercial

@chidipupay
u don post any here before?

kinkini lafta pere,

This is the cutest breast cancer email I have ever received.

A small request:
All you are asked to do is keep this
circulating.

ayusman16:

This is the cutest breast cancer email I have ever received.

A small request:
All you are asked to do is keep this
circulating.

oooooohhhhhhhh, so adorable


9iceeeeeee

Nice man, The judge is going to send the witness straight to jail

Nice man, The judge is going to send the witness straight to jail

Nice man, The judge is going to send the witness straight to jail

Nice man, The judge is going to send the witness straight to jail

honeric01:

@chidipupay
u don post any here before?

vely well.

honeric01:

Nice man, The judge is going to send the witness straight to jail

Na u be the jugde self? eh wetin

Chidipupu get thee behind me b4 I command mountain of fire fire to descend on you. First warning from the ref.

Chidipupu get thee behind me b4 I command mountain of fire fire to descend on you. First warning from the ref.

" "

Kids say,
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so
old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember
you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much
that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in
vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her
Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she 'd have to open it
for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does
it know it's me?

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked
what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen
with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named
Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife
looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What
happened to the flea?'

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled
woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked,
'Why doesn't your skin fit your face ?'

The Sermon.
I think this Mom will never forget this particular Sunday sermon. 'Dear
Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a
rapturous look on his upturned face, 'Without you, we are but dust, '

He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter
who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her
shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?

Tight Fit
On the day of the wedding, Mary was getting dressed, surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any shoes. Panic!
Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Mary for the day. Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Mary’s feet were in agony. When she and Frederik withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off. The rest of the Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Frederik say ’God,that was tight.’
’There,’ whispered the Queen. ’I told you she was a virgin.’ Then, to their surprise, they heard Frederik say. ’Right. Now for the other one.’ Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Frederik said. ’My God. That was even tighter.’
’That’s my boy,’ said Prince Henrik.

Several weeks after a young man had been hired he was called into the personnel director's office. "What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had 5 years experience. Now we discovered this is the 1st job you've ever held."
"Well," the young man replied, "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with an imagination."

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyser tube."
The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm too drunk to do that."