THE LOVE DRESS

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was
shocked

to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work." The
daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Justin loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "Every
time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and
ravages me for hours.

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed,
showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic
CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying
there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing, " he said, "What's for dinner?".

Two priests attend the same church every Sunday. One drives and one rides a bike. One Sunday, the bike rider shows up without his bike.

The first priest asks, "Where is your bike?" The second answers, "I don't know if it was stolen or simply lost."

The first priest says, "Just recite the 10 Commandments when you are alone. When you get to Thou Shall Not Steal, you will get your bike back."

The next week, the second priest shows up with his bike. The first priest says, "See I told you it would work." The second priest says, "It sure did. When I got to Thou Shall not Commit Adultery, I remembered where I left it."

A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2:00 in the morning. The blond wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear.

@posters
yeah right
all of them were FANTASTICS

You dont say!!!, i love 'em all Usman, im LMAO too

Na me u dey call USMAN? Ehen! Talatu!

Ahhh!!!

peye oo, oda ayusman, 

Alrite. Go and sin no more

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss
program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands
before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a
pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss
company. The sign reads,
'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles
later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for
the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he
has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound
program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the
most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is
wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that
reads,
'If you catch me you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in
excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four
days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and
better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he
discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the
7-day/50 pound program.

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone.
'This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it
he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running
shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, your arse is
mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week!!

the first one is the best,

How fights starts at home!! Men think before you talk cos you might keep walking and never come back



My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while
we were in bed. I turned to her and said,
"Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simly saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."And that's how the fight got started,

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my
Driver's' license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized
I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry,
but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said,
'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver
hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me,' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home,
I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security
Office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have
gotten Disability, too'[/color][color=#990000][/color][color=#990000][/color]
And that's how the fight got started,

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be
bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped
back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My
loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is
out fishing in that?'

And that's how the fight got started,


[color=#770077]My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,
and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone
at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I Sighed,
'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after
we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober
since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
And that's how the fight got started,

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason,
took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
The waiter said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's how the fight got started,


A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is
not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible;
I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The
Husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'
And that's how the fight got started,

After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question.

If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "

Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.

Later on the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."

FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLIDAY

In Florida , an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover Holidays. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.

The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring,"Case dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my Client and all other atheists have no such holidays."

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."

The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."

The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned.

This Week's Spiritual Joke~

A man dies and meets an angel at the Gates of Heaven. The angel says to the man,
"Here's how it works. You need to have one-hundred points to get into Heaven.
You tell me about all the good things you've done.
They are all worth a certain number of points. If your total is one-hundred or more, you can come in."
"Well," says the man. "I was happily married to the same woman for 52 years.
I never looked at another woman. I was attentive and loved her dearly."
"That's great," says the angel, "That'll be two points."
"Hmmm," says the man, "This is going to be harder than I thought.
Well, I attended church regularly, volunteered my time and tithed faithfully."
"Wonderful," says the angel, "That's worth another point."
"One point!" says the man, "Okay, okay. I was involved with a prison ministry for twenty-five years.
I went into the prison, at least monthly, and shared the word of God with all the prisoners."
"Wow!" says the angel, "That's another two points!"
"Only two points!!!" cries the man. "At this rate, it'll be by the grace of God that'll I'll ever get into this place!!!"
"Bingo!" shouts the angel "That's one-hundred points! Come on in!"
Spiritual Wings

@ayusman
you are getting me off my sit.Sam milla should watch out[color=Black][/color]

@ayusman
you are getting me off my sit.Sam milla should watch out[color=Black][/color]

Sam Mulla used to be my boy before him go solo!

so na wetin u mean now? Say na u be sam milla producers abi?

@Chididuday,
Na wetin e mean be say na me tutor am! Understood?

Ok i hear

ok oooo but do us as sam dey do us na

who me?

chidipupay:

who me?

shuo na u say u be sam oga?

Nope?

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm
while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

____________________________________________


ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
________ ____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
______________________________ _____________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________


ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No .
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

A Sunday school teacher : was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
[color=#000099]Without missing a beat one little boy : (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill." [/color]





[color=#770077]

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead." [/color]








A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face, "     

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary positions the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted,

"Cause your feet aint empty."










The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching"

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples!

A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop."
Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the
wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack:" Extra Long. King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar
magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for British Airways. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."


Mom fainted ,