A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk". The monkey looked up at the officer and nodded his head. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey nodded vigorously. "Well, did you see this?" "Yes", motioned the monkey.
"What happened?" Asked the officer.
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
“They were drinking?" asked the officer.
The monkey nodded.
"What else?" asked the officer.
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?" asked the officer.
The monkey nodded.
"What else?" asked the officer.
The monkey motioned "Screwing".
"They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer.
The monkey nodded.
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they crashed?" asked the officer.
The monkey nodded.
"What were you doing during all this?" asked the officer.
"Driving" motioned the monkey.

A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Homer gets out. The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park, and couldn't find his way home. "Now Homer", said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! So how could you get lost?” Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear. Homer whispered, "I wasn't lost, I was just too tired to walk home."

At a christian fellowship meeting,the following conversation ensued:

Pastor: Brethren, if you want a model of love, open your Bibles to Luke 10:30-37.
Congregation: Yes, THE GOOD SAMARITAN
Pastor: If you want a model of FORGIVENESS, open to Luke 15: 11-32.
Congregation: Yes! THE PRODIGAL SON
Pastor: And if you want a model of GENEROSITY, open to Luke 21: 1-4.
Congregation: The WIDOW'S CONTRIBUTION
Pastor: But if you want a model of how one's office comes before ones health,who do u look for?
Congregation: Yaradua

The Judge said to the defendant. "I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again."
"Your Honor," the criminal said, "that's what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn't listen."

The cop got out of his car and the kid that was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

A hole has appeared in the ladies changing rooms at the sports club. Police are looking into it.

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right a head of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through automated radar. A speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of a few money bill notes. The police responded with another mailed photo: handcuffs.

A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but was not getting many. Then, he discovered the problem; a 10 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read, "SPEED TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign painted "TIPS" and a bucket of change.

An officer pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma’am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road"? The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!" Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's licence?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got caught drink driving.
Officer: May I see the MOT certificate and insurance for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the insurance certificate in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the boot.
Officer: There's a BODY in the boot?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his sergeant. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the sergeant approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Sergeant: Sir, can I see your driving licence?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Sergeant: Whose car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the logbook, MOT certificate and insurance.
The driver owned the car.
Sergeant: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Sergeant: Would you mind opening the boot? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Boot is opened; no body.
Sergeant: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a driving licence, stole the car, had a gun in the cubbyhole, and that there was a dead body in the boot.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying swine told you I was speeding, too,

What not to say to the nice policeman:
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

Blonde driving
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replies in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid replies, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

On board the BRT to Anthony frm Mile 12 sometime ago,a conversation ensued between 2 men as follows:

man 1: "Please when you are done, can I have a look at the catalogway?"
man 2: "Man, it is pronounced as 'catalogue' not 'catalogway'!"
man 1: "Oh! sorry, it was a slip of tongway!"
man 2: "Again sir, that word is pronounced 'tongue' not 'tongway'!"

man 1: "Okay, I will not arg with you!"

FROM: FATHER
TO: ALL DEPENDANTS AND RELATIVES
SUBJECT: FINANCIAL MELTDOWN


Unavoidably, all domestic rules and regulations have been revised as below and, under no circumstance is any violation allowed.


1. The Kitchen and all pantries are declared Restricted Zones.
Entry and/or passage shall require express permission from
myself upon submission of written request.

2. Breakfast is banned. This matter is not
for discussion.

3. Such food items as rice, chicken, butter, jam, eggs, bread and milk are Restricted. Anyone intending to eat
any of such food, must write to Me in triplicate, with three days
notice, giving convincing nutritional reasons backed by a qualified
dietician.

4. Watering with hoses is banned. Further,
only food-giving plants shall be watered. No lawns or flowers
shall receive water. For internal decoration, only plastic and
dry-flower arrangements shall be permitted.

5. Bathing in the morning is limited
to 5 litres of water per day per person while bathing in the evening is banned unless there are medical reasons.

6. Security lights are being removed with
immediate effect. All dependants shall abide by an all-night
guard-duty roster I shall make available shortly.

7. No dependant shall entertain friends indoors,
far less attempt to offer food, drinks or even music. Those who
want their guests to listen to music shall sing for them.

8. No one is allowed to talk to officials from
police, Council or Court Bailiffs; doing so shall carry an
instantaneous penalty of ejection from The House.

9. Anybody who breaks a glass, furniture or any
other property in The House, shall immediately have to seek temporary
employment somewhere to earn money to replace such broken item(s),

10. All visitors intending to spend a night/week or
more shall apply in triplicate and give two months notice, with an endorsement from their town
Mayor, Village Headman or Church Priest, giving convincing reasons
why they can't stay home. Failure to do this shall result in
their being turned away upon arrival.

lol abokina yaya dai

ka nan lafiya kwo?

mai ya faru kwana biyu baka online?

clemcykul:

lol abokina yaya dai

ka nan lafiya kwo?

mai ya faru kwana biyu baka online?

kai minini,
english pls

clemcykul:

lol abokina yaya dai

ka nan lafiya kwo?

mai ya faru kwana biyu baka online?

Ina lafiya oo
Kulun ina online mana sai ba na dayawa post ne.
Ki seni ni special adibizer ma Obama na Nijeriya appairs.

Yaya ki ke?

lol
ina nan kalau babu mishkila

na tabbatar ce wa kana aiki na adbizer sosai, sannu ka da kwokari

@kn
babu english sai hausa

lafialolllll,
english aboki kwo?

ashawo business

One ashawo go meet plastic surgoen say make he make another hole for her,
the doctor ask why? she say bizznesss is good that she won to open
another branch

lol
berry punny joke
u zon sry my braza

Mumu Virgin

"There was a young virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.

Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."

She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.

Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.

The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said.

She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

MUMU FAMILIES

Two friends from two different families got talking one day and the first one said:
Do you know that may younger brother is such a daft,sometimes he acts so mumuish
I wish he was not my brother.
The second one replied and said,hm,is ur brother's mumu level up to my younger brothers'?
So they sat down to explain what their brother's did to merit such remarks.

First person: I came back from work somedays ago to meet my younger brother in the room
crying. I enquired into what the cause of his cries were and he looked at me,pointed at our
5years todler cousin(Kemi) and said,"brother i day cry because Kemi is sitting directly under the
shaky cabinet where we kept 2bags of rice and the bags are going to fall on her and wonjure her.

2nd Person:Is dat why u said ur brother na mumu,u never see nothing.
My brother was stoning mangoes from our mangoe tree somedays back and after several attempts
at plucking the ripe ones,they wont fall except the unripe ones.So he neatly clicked the tree,used red marker to label
the ripe mangoes,came down from the tree and started stoning the red labelled mangoes in order to pluck them.

Kx:

MUMU FAMILIES

So he neatly clicked the tree,used red marker to label
the ripe mangoes,came down from the tree and started stoning the red labelled mangoes in order to pluck them.

So he neatly climbed the tree,used red marker to label
the ripe mangoes,came down from the tree and started stoning the red labelled mangoes in order to pluck them.

lol

Posted by: Kx
Insert Quote

MUMU FAMILIES

Two friends from two different families got talking one day and the first one said:
Do you know that may younger brother is such a daft,sometimes he acts so mumuish
I wish he was not my brother.
The second one replied and said,hm,is ur brother's mumu level up to my younger brothers'?
So they sat down to explain what their brother's did to merit such remarks.

First person: I came back from work somedays ago to meet my younger brother in the room
crying. I enquired into what the cause of his cries were and he looked at me,pointed at our
5years todler cousin(Kemi) and said,"brother i day cry because Kemi is sitting directly under the
shaky cabinet where we kept 2bags of rice and the bags are going to fall on her and wonjure her.

2nd Person:Is dat why u said ur brother na mumu,u never see nothing.
My brother was stoning mangoes from our mangoe tree somedays back and after several attempts
at plucking the ripe ones,they wont fall except the unripe ones.So he neatly clicked the tree,used red marker to label
the ripe mangoes,came down from the tree and started stoning the red labelled mangoes in order to pluck them.



LOL, I CANT HELP BUT LAUGH, ONE OF THE FUNNIEST I HAVE READ THIS YEAR

lmaoooo

very funny joke.

Call to IT Department

Caller: Hi, our printer is not working.
Customer Service: What is wrong with it?
Caller: Mouse is jammed.
Customer Service: Mouse? And how it is related to printer?
Caller: Mmmm, Wait, I will send a picture.




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That was funny to bad I haven't recieved my N5 wage I would have shared it with you.

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment. A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?" The salesman explained "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch as Coca Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know how to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through three posters,

First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand, totally exhausted and fainting.
Second poster: The man is drinking our Coca Cola.
Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed.
And then these posters were pasted all over the place
"Then that should have worked!" said the friend.
"The hell it should had!? Said the salesman. Didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left

Lesson Number Three
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said,
"I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."
The feet said, “We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."
The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Management Lesson: You don't need brains to be Boss, any asshole will do!

hehe!

THE VIBRATOR

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the f, are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'

Boss: Where were you born?
Sardar: India ,
Boss: which part?
Sardar: What 'which part'? Whole body was born in India .

2 sardar were fixing a bomb in a car.
Sardar 1: What would you do if the bomb
explodes while fixing.
Sardar 2: Dont worry, I have one more.

Sardar: What is the name of your car?
Lady: I forgot the name, but is starts with 'T'.
Sardar: Oh, what a strange car, starts with Tea. All cars that I know start with petrol.

Sardar joined new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the computer. Boss was happy and asked what you did till evening.
Sardar: Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright.

Museum Administrator: That's a 500-year-old statue u've broken.
Sardar: Thanks to God! I thought it was a new one.


At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand, oh!
Sardar: Control yourself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?

Sardar: You cheated me.
Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to u.
Sardar: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says this is 'All India Radio! '

NOW THE LAST TWO ULTIMATE:
In an interview, Interviewer: How does an electric motor run?
Sardar: Dhhuuuurrrrrrrrrr. ,
Inteviewer shouts: Stop it.
Sardar: Dhhuurrrr dhup dhup dhup,

Tourist: Whose skeleton is that?
Sardar: An old king's skeleton.
Tourist: Who's that smaller skeleton next to it?
Sardar: That was same king's skeleton when he was a child.

I got a typical call very recently, here's the gist:

Mr. 419: Hello, how are you?

Ayusman: Fine. Please, who am I speaking with?

Mr. 419: Haba, don't you remember me? Who do you know in UK that could be calling?

(Sensing a scam, I threw in a trap…)

Ayusman: Johnson! Is that you? (I don't know any Johnson in UK.)

(Thinking it's a break, he swallows the bait)

Mr. 419 : Of course, this is Johnson! How come you didn't recognise my voice initially?

(Certain it's scam, I decided to punish him verbally and financially. I had the time that morning so I was going to assist him waste his call credit.)

Ayusman: Jooooooohnson! Kai! Omo buruku gbaa ni o! (You are a specially bad boy) Your father died, you didn't so much as show up or send a note. Omo a se iru e fun e! (Your children will repay you with such). Didn't you hear about his demise? He was so bitter and full of original curses curses for you.

Mr. 419: (Obviously subdued) I didn't hear. I would have come.

Ayusman: Too bad. You heard you mama is leprous too? You didn't hear about that, abi?

Mr. 419: (Now uncomfortable) No, I didn’t hear.

Ayusman: (Enjoying myself thoroughly). Too bad. Is your wife that foolish too? Not even a word from her after you folks married without our blessings? If the husband is not wise, is the wife lame-witted too?

Mr. 419: She's fine. I'm certain she'll get across to you. There's an issue…

(Breaking in before he begins his story)

Ayusman: Johnson, O se mi o: you offended me. I sent you money to buy me a car and you just disappeared. When am I having my money back? You want me to curse you too like your father did? I don't have his kind of patience I'm sure you know. I won't wait that long before I give you what you deserve.

Mr. 419: (Grunted). This issue is important,

Ayusman: Shut up!!! When are you sending money home? Haba! We sent you to school, clothed you and sent you abroad, Are you now a 419? Stealing from me your friend too. Your father was right to curse you, And you can't escape it if you continue like this. It's not a curse.

Mr. 419: I'll repay you.

After about 50 minutes of moves and countermoves…I owned up.

Ayusman: See Mr. 419, I don't know any Johnson in UK. I just needed to teach you a lesson. Go get a proper job.

Mr. 419: Were! Oloriburuku! Lo ti n sepe fun mi lat'aaro! (Madman, and you've been cursing me since morning!)

Ayusman. Disconnected.

nice ones dude.been a long time

In a performance appraisal review exercise of an organization,a guy was asked
to duly fill the appraisal form and include his job functions accordingly.

The guy neatly filled the form and included the following "job descriptions"

1. Internet browing.

2.Sending and responding to emails with 2 minutes of receipt.

3.Adding contacts,updating profiles and uploading pix on facebook and other social network sites.

4.Making new friends daily on everykindofpeople.

5.Constant touch through yahoo messenger and msn.

6.Netting at least average 20 responses to the set target of average 30 responses to topical
issues on nairaland.
7.Downloading and making at least 5 phone calls to 5 girls in search of men from nairalist daily.