craziebone:


i have seen and heard women say it loud and clear with a feminist undertone, that they are not going to tolerate their husband's family. Some even say the days are long gone.

But the bottom line is, i can't let another woman stand up to my mother that way. If she hadn't taken care of me to the point that i look attractive to you, you wouldn't have considered marriage with me.

To be honest, i have a strong and strange reaction to the sight of DILs put up an automatic reaction towards her in-laws.

babyosisi:



First of all let no one tell me how her MIL cooks and pounds yam and mops her floor and washes her kitchen linen daily,that is an exception
I am stating the rule.


Let me tell you the big difference between the woman's family and the man's family.
First of all most Nigerian women are younger than their husbands,some by up to a decade so invariably most of the inlaws on the man's side are also older.
If there is a not so educated or uneducated group amongst the two sets of inlaws it is likely to be the parents of the man.
That can be a problem.

Secondly the family of the girl come visiting,they serve their brother inlaw,her mom will also cook and serve her son inlaw
The family of the man visiting,are coming to be served by their daughter inlaw
Huge difference.
With her family,her work burden in the house is decreased,with the man's family her work burden in the house quadruples.
Most MIL on the woman's side will gladly bathe the babies,wash their clothes,feed them,cook,they will be looking for what to do to help out their daughter and her children.
Whereas the man's mother most times will not lift a finger and you wouldn't dare ask them to help,it will be seen as an insult and interpreted to mean that you sent their mom on an errand.

So always remember that
A man's family overburdens the wife and if they add bad attitude to it and a sense of entitlement,it makes matters worse

Sophyrocks:
The men who dnt know how to create and maintain boundaries are the cause of the rifts between MIL and DIL. Once mothers are placed above wives, there must be conflict. Men who dnt understand what marriage is about fuel these rifts.

KanwuliaJara:
The meddling mothers-in-laws who keep encroaching.
Why they can't stay in their own homes is a big nuisance!

crackhaus:

Is there any problem most of you women find yourselves in that you can comfortably take at least 50% of the blame?
I mean, seriously?

It's always victim with you lot like you have no sense of responsibility and accountability whatsoever, and then still wonder why men continue to see y'all as nothing or very little more than just an object for sexual satisfaction and gratification.

babyosisi:


And you wonder why there are more widows than widowers

babyosisi:


Gbam!
And a man who understands that will have a happy home
My mom was in my house rearranging my cups and spices and dishes in the cabinet
She felt my salt and pepper and curry and thyme should take a place on the top right cupboard where my flat dishes were
I returned and she had rearranged everything
I said thanks mom but I prefer it the way I kept it and I switched it back
She took it nicely,
I also said mom,when you go to nnamdi's house,please don't rearrange anything there
People need to speak to their moms before they go visiting their married sons
Even their best intentions can cause katakata
Too many marriages have crashed and almost crashed after visits from the man's mother
We can't run from that reality

bukatyne:


I knew a woman who had to hide Some of her clothes when her MIL was coming.

bukatyne:


Very true

Funny enough, If it was your MIL, you might say thank you and endure that arrangement else she would take the correction the wrong way.

We need to tell our mothers to keep off when visiting our brothers.

I started telling my mom even before I got married to keep off my younger brother when he marries anytime We watch/hear such stories.

crackhaus:

Is there any problem most of you women find yourselves in that you can comfortably take at least 50% of the blame?

babyosisi:



First of all let no one tell me how her MIL cooks and pounds yam and mops her floor and washes her kitchen linen daily,that is an exception
I am stating the rule.


Let me tell you the big difference between the woman's family and the man's family.
First of all most Nigerian women are younger than their husbands,some by up to a decade so invariably most of the inlaws on the man's side are also older.
If there is a not so educated or uneducated group amongst the two sets of inlaws it is likely to be the parents of the man.
That can be a problem.

Secondly the family of the girl come visiting,they serve their brother inlaw,her mom will also cook and serve her son inlaw
The family of the man visiting,are coming to be served by their daughter inlaw
Huge difference.
With her family,her work burden in the house is decreased,with the man's family her work burden in the house quadruples.
Most MIL on the woman's side will gladly bathe the babies,wash their clothes,feed them,cook,they will be looking for what to do to help out their daughter and her children.
Whereas the man's mother most times will not lift a finger and you wouldn't dare ask them to help,it will be seen as an insult and interpreted to mean that you sent their mom on an errand.

So always remember that
A man's family overburdens the wife and if they add bad attitude to it and a sense of entitlement,it makes matters worse

Fhemmmy:
So since the 50s that ladies has been complaining about MIL and MIL has been on the case of their daughter in law, i will assume that most of those MIL passed on already and those Daughter in laws became MIL, and things has not changed, this means that:

As soon as the daughter in law become a mother in law, they seems to forget all those things that they hates and they do same or do something all of a sudden take over the woman as soon as they become a mother in law?

babyosisi:


There is a story of an MIL that came visiting
Daughter in law wanted to treat mama to a better life so she was cooking chicken and fish in large qty and serving mama
As they were opening cans of evaporated milk,mama asked them to save her the empty cans
The DIL even asked neighbors to save their empty milk cans thinking mama was going to use it for moi moi in the village
THe DIL got the empty containers washed and dried and bagged them
The day her son took her home,her co wives and neighbors gathered to welcome her.As soon as she arrived the compound and offloaded her things and her son hugged and waved her goodbye to return to Enugu,the Woman proceeded to tell the women that she now knew why her son Emeka cannot afford to build a house in the village.
She proceeded to tell them how the DIL and her children killed and ate chicken daily,how they were frying eggs and eating with every meal.
Big big lumps of meat in every food.
She reached over to the Ghana must go containing the empty carnation milk cans opened it and showed them all the cans of milk her DIL "onu uto" and her children were drinking.
I don't know if this is a true story but it ain't far from the truth of what obtains in many cases
It's like damned if you do,damned if you don't.

dinachi:

Don't bother with that scammer in chief who sells nothing but lies about her marriage.
It is very simple. The MIL of today was the DIL of yesterday and the DIL of today will be a MIL tomorrow. Truth is very bitter, the MIL issues are always compounded by the DIL who will in turn compound issues for her sons wife tomorrow as a MIL. But instead of the Scammer in chief to admit that it is a women problem entirely, she in her usual hypocrisy and evil deception chooses to push it to the men.
Have you ever wondered why father in laws(FIL) rarely have any problems with their sons in law(SIL).

crackhaus:

The text in bold is the reason I had to quote Sophy in the first place.

The statement that men are the causes of rifts between their wives and mothers was just too lame to be ignored.

Two grown women who call themselves adults have issues with each other and someone else should take full responsibility for their pettiness, funny...

natureblack:
Each is the primary woman in her primary family.

cococandy:


This should summarize it.

everywoman should mind her own home and quit trying to call the shots in another's home.

It should really be that simple shouldn't it?

bukatyne:


Very true

Funny enough, If it was your MIL, you might say thank you and endure that arrangement else she would take the correction the wrong way.

We need to tell our mothers to keep off when visiting our brothers.

I started telling my mom even before I got married to keep off my younger brother when he marries anytime We watch/hear such stories.

cococandy:


That's what I told my mom too.
Most people pretend like they don't know they're mothers and expect the new wives to magically please the woman who has been difficult to please all her life.

I know my mother very well.
So if my brother's wife has a problem with her tomorrow, when I hear the story, I will immediately know if she's at fault or not.

Someone like my mom will like a reserved, quiet not too flashy babe.
She tried all my life to mould me into a good church girl who wears moderate make-up and stats virgin until marriage.
She will complain about make-up,double earrings.
Complain about knee length dress or skirt.
Complain about tight trousers and sleeveless tops.
Hian!

If my bro gets married tomorrow and my mom gives the wife grief over dressing and conduct, I will side with my sister-in-law instead of pretending as if I don't know my mom over reacts to such things.

Sons should know their mothers and keep them in line to avoid friction.

It is not as if there aren't badly behaved daughters-in-law, but the default setting for most Africans is respect for the older folks while the older ones try all means possible to assert their authority.

Easy should do it.

cococandy:


This should summarize it.

everywoman should mind her own home and quit trying to call the shots in another's home.

It should really be that simple shouldn't it?

cococandy:


That's what I told my mom too.
Most people pretend like they don't know their mothers and expect the new wives to magically please the woman who has been difficult to please all her life.

I know my mother very well.
So if my brother's wife has a problem with her tomorrow, when I hear the story, I will immediately know if she's at fault or not.

Someone like my mom will like a reserved, quiet, not too flashy babe.
She tried all my life to mould me into a good church girl who wears moderate make-up and stays virgin until marriage.
She will complain about make-up,double earrings.
Complain about knee length dress or skirt.
Complain about tight trousers and sleeveless tops.
Hian!

If my bro gets married tomorrow and my mom gives the wife grief over dressing and conduct, I will side with my sister-in-law instead of pretending as if I don't know my mom over reacts to such things.

Sons should know their mothers and keep them in line to avoid friction.

It is not as if there aren't badly behaved daughters-in-law, but the default setting for most Africans is respect for the older folks while the older ones try all means possible to assert their authority.

Easy should do it.

cococandy:


This should summarize it.

everywoman should mind her own home and quit trying to call the shots in another's home.

It should really be that simple shouldn't it?

babyosisi:


Gbam!
The eediots amongst them will say send the wife away then a new wife comes and the same thing repeats
I had my sisters in law ask me how I deal with the inlaws,I laughed
I told the youngest one who spent hours interacting with me at my last vacation that she should simply close her eyes and pretend not to see a lot of things.
I told her not to say pim when they are discussing their family issues,don't take sides,don't ask too many questions.
Relate with everyone pretending you heard nothing
Pecten those who don't like your husband ,pretend you don't know anything about it and treat them all cordially
Just listen and say nothing
Wisdom is the key

cococandy:
Exactly.

I don't even advice anyone to treat their mother in law like their own mother.
It may not work.

These things are tricky.
The best person to handle such would be the son of the woman until the wife and MIL are intimate enough (if ever)

For example When I call my mom, I ask her 'mommy how far na?'

God forbid I call my MIL and not greet her in the proper traditional tongue.
I can't even imagine how she will react to that.
She's very traditional

Meaning I can't really be free like that with her so she won't misunderstand my attitude.

so if there's something not pleasant I think she needs to hear, hubby will do the talking.
Same as on my own side.

I think married folks should try help their partners handle their side of the family to avoid misunderstandings and offense on small issues.

babyosisi:


Exactly
Let me teach you another wisdom I learned later
When you are giving a gift make sure mama knows it is from you not us
Very very essential piece
Gifts from us = gift from their son
Na their son give am
When you send them money or anything call them yourself and say mama I want to send you some money for Mother's Day ,this is the PIN for western union.
Na wisdom we dey take do this thing o