babyosisi:


Didn't you see the thread where a father in law to be demanded to see what the son in law does for a living and how much he makes to determine if he can provide for their daughter and all men called him a meddling FIL.
It is a slap on their manhood for an FIL to make such demands
But not a slap to my womanhood for his mother to tell me how to run my household

190theclown:


Flytefalls was here

Sophyrocks:
Now we can see another problem with men involved. They do absolutely nothing when a rift occurs. Going by the comments here, the wife is to bear whatever her MIL dishes out even though the MIL is wrong. even though she interferes in their marriage. she is to bear all. But i wonder what their comments would be if a father in law or brother in law interferes in the way they handle their affairs at home or question how they provide for their family.

babygirlfl:


I don't know if you remember the thread where a FIL bought a car for his daughter and most men said they would not tolerate such. This is a man that is not living with the coupleoo. However, if you are a woman, you are expected to tolerate everything including a controlling MIL.

Flytefalls:

I swear, women should desist in restraining their own family's interference .

babygirlfl:


I don't know if you remember the thread where a FIL bought a car for his daughter and most men said they would not tolerate such. This is a man that is not living with the coupleoo. However, if you are a woman, you are expected to tolerate everything including a controlling MIL.

freecocoa:
Sophyrocks, Babyosisi, cococandy, flytefalls et el.

You all have done a good job to point out the faults of some MILS, which is actually a true occurrence in many families, now can you also point out some of the things DILS do that also causes tension? You know, anyone who reads the posts from you so far, will likely see it as you blaming whatever goes wrong on the MIL.

I know some ladies who don't pray to have a MIL at all due to all they've heard or seen about MILS, now someone with such a mindset will most likey find faults in whatever her MIL does, should she eventually have one.

Some DILS complain when there hubbies send money to mama, some don't even want mama to visit, I know one who doesn't like mama staying in the living room because she thinks mama smells funny and changes the odor of the whole place, another doesn't see why mama should say what they'll eat, forgetting that it was usually mother, who decided what the family ate while growing up and mama is doing so because she sees herself as the mother, not because she doesn't trust the DILS judgment, also remember that mama most likely had to put up with this when she was the DIL, so she sees it as the right way, eventhough it isn't,only a sensible woman can handle a situation like this well and it will take a lot of wisdom and patience.

My mum used to say that, as long as two people live in a house, there definitely will be tension/misunderstanding, so it is very necessary to apply wisdom in all you do, now mama is from a different generation and will not understand how everything works in our generation, it is only wise to be patient and understand this, my uncle used to say to me "you are the more learned and exposed one, so apply that" whenever I fell out with his wife, who will see it as lazy when I use one of those long brushes that allows me stand almost erect to sweep, than use a normal broom, she feels bending down to sweep is the best way to do it, something like that can cause a misunderstanding between MIL and DIL, with the DIL thinking this woman is too troublesome and MIL thinking, this one is too lazy without actually understanding where each is coming from. Ever since I started applying my uncle's advice, I noticed our misunderstandings reduced.

Many young women of this age, fail to realize that these mamas lived in a different time and are not really used to how life works now, instead of exercising a little patience with mama, they take the approach of "we know better because we went to school" which doesn't always end well, I'm not saying there are no outright evil MILS who just don't like their DILS, those ones are the exceptions not the rule like you are making it seem, I believe there will be less conflict, if each party take out time to understand the other, with the DILS applying more wisdom.

freecocoa:
Sophyrocks, Babyosisi, cococandy, flytefalls et el.

You all have done a good job to point out the faults of some MILS, which is actually a true occurrence in many families, now can you also point out some of the things DILS do that also causes tension? You know, anyone who reads the posts from you so far, will likely see it as you blaming whatever goes wrong on the MIL.

I know some ladies who don't pray to have a MIL at all due to all they've heard or seen about MILS, now someone with such a mindset will most likey find faults in whatever her MIL does, should she eventually have one.

Some DILS complain when there hubbies send money to mama, some don't even want mama to visit, I know one who doesn't like mama staying in the living room because she thinks mama smells funny and changes the odor of the whole place, another doesn't see why mama should say what they'll eat, forgetting that it was usually mother, who decided what the family ate while growing up and mama is doing so because she sees herself as the mother, not because she doesn't trust the DILS judgment, also remember that mama most likely had to put up with this when she was the DIL, so she sees it as the right way, eventhough it isn't,only a sensible woman can handle a situation like this well and it will take a lot of wisdom and patience.

My mum used to say that, as long as two people live in a house, there definitely will be tension/misunderstanding, so it is very necessary to apply wisdom in all you do, now mama is from a different generation and will not understand how everything works in our generation, it is only wise to be patient and understand this, my uncle used to say to me "you are the more learned and exposed one, so apply that" whenever I fell out with his wife, who will see it as lazy when I use one of those long brushes that allows me stand almost erect to sweep, than use a normal broom, she feels bending down to sweep is the best way to do it, something like that can cause a misunderstanding between MIL and DIL, with the DIL thinking this woman is too troublesome and MIL thinking, this one is too lazy without actually understanding where each is coming from. Ever since I started applying my uncle's advice, I noticed our misunderstandings reduced.

Many young women of this age, fail to realize that these mamas lived in a different time and are not really used to how life works now, instead of exercising a little patience with mama, they take the approach of "we know better because we went to school" which doesn't always end well, I'm not saying there are no outright evil MILS who just don't like their DILS, those ones are the exceptions not the rule like you are making it seem, I believe there will be less conflict, if each party take out time to understand the other, with the DILS applying more wisdom.

Flytefalls:

Regarding the patience issue, problem is definitely a generational thing, but I don't agree with keeping mute with mama until her time is up. Why can't grown ups look to resolve their differences by means of discussion, and look to enjoy the time they have together? I am of the opinion that to give respect to ones elders should be mandatory, but one can also respectfully disagree with someone who has come into her home and is causing tension. No I am not talking of giving mama grief over trivialities- in that case, patience is the easier option anyway. I mean more of the emotional/physical abuse that a society shouldn't continue to turn a blind eye to. Sorry, but I just cannot accept that from even my own mother.

Sophyrocks:


You are very right about troublesome DILs. Thats a different case entirely that requires change and wisdom from DILs. It all boils down to the sort of mindset such ladies had before getting married. I have heard stories myself. Normally, as a wife you should be accomodating and learn to live with people who are not your immediate family. If you can live with your siblings, you can also stay with your in laws. That is why we advice that ladies should take their husbands' family as theirs. I think females who naturally dnt know how to relate with their fellow females would have problems with their MILs. There are ladies who are fortunate to have good inlaws yet they misbehave which is very bad. Some women are uncouth with no manners. Some are not hospitable. There are friends i made back then that made me wonder if they would successfully accomodate a MIL.

The truth is, rifts will still occur as long as the wife is an imperfect human and the husband needs to come in to put things right and correct his wife. Every man knows the kind of woman he married as a wife and the kind of mother he has. So any DIL who is proving stubborn will have to adjust to show that she wants peace in her home and if she really wants her marriage to work. Every lady must learn to be hospitable before marriage. Very very important!! Honestly, men love women who can get along with their mothers and are not so dramatic. Women can be very petty and make mountains out of a mole hill. There are certain things some MILs do that can be overlooked truly. Its not everything you nag about. Any reservations had should be made known to the husband and the way you put it is important. Wisdom is essential. Everything shouldnt be looked upon as competition. Every MIL and DIL rift is as a result of petty issues and overdependencce. so if women can just stop being petty and learn to put issues that dnt matter aside, rifts would reduce. This wisdom and patience to be exercised isnt just for DILs. MILs are required to do the same because it would be a waste if DILs do it only.

Flytefalls:

Not to disrespect anyone's culture, but there is so much confusion at present. I see it. It's so sad. I wouldn't even begin to list the contradictions, I just pray for peace

freecocoa:
You have made excellent points but I still think, it's not always wise to drag the husband into it. I believe two grown women who are sensible can resolve their issues without involving the man(except where absolutely necessary) some women just report every little issue to husband.

Most times involving the husband makes it look like asking him to take sides, I'd rather cool off and call mama, telling her I want us to talk, listen to her side, state mine and work it out, in almost all cases I've seen, involving the man only further escalated the whole issue.

freecocoa:
You have made excellent points but I still think, it's not always wise to drag the husband into it. I believe two grown women who are sensible can resolve their issues without involving the man(except where absolutely necessary) some women just report every little issue to husband.

Most times involving the husband makes it look like asking him to take sides, I'd rather cool off and call mama, telling her I want us to talk, listen to her side, state mine and work it out, in almost all cases I've seen, involving the man only further escalated the whole issue.

naijababe:


What if mama is the type that is unwilling to listen to what you have to say? Playing devil's advocate, I know but it is a very realistic possibility.

freecocoa:
That's why I said you only bring in husband where absolutely necessary.

freecocoa:
Ofcourse no one should have to endure emotional or physical abuse but you find out that, it usually starts from trivial issues which were not resolved, resentment is then built up, followed by hatred and once it gets to this point, it is usually more difficult to settle, that's why I said it's best for DILS to apply wisdom, applying wisdom doesn't mean keeping mute.

There's something called, 'stooping to conquer' I strongly believe it works well in MIL and DIL relationships.

freecocoa:
Ofcourse no one should have to endure emotional or physical abuse but you find out that, it usually starts from trivial issues which were not resolved, resentment is then built up, followed by hatred and once it gets to this point, it is usually more difficult to settle, that's why I said it's best for DILS to apply wisdom, applying wisdom doesn't mean keeping mute.

There's something called, 'stooping to conquer' I strongly believe it works well in MIL and DIL relationships.

freecocoa:
That's why I said you only bring in husband where absolutely necessary.

bukatyne:


The confusion comes from mixing culture and religion

Flytefalls:

Yes, that's my own conclusion. I have hope that people will one day get it right, we have emerged from the dark ages at least.

freecocoa:
Sophyrocks, Babyosisi, cococandy, flytefalls et el.

You all have done a good job to point out the faults of some MILS, which is actually a true occurrence in many families, now can you also point out some of the things DILS do that also causes tension? You know, anyone who reads the posts from you so far, will likely see it as you blaming whatever goes wrong on the MIL.

I know some ladies who don't pray to have a MIL at all due to all they've heard or seen about MILS, now someone with such a mindset will most likey find faults in whatever her MIL does, should she eventually have one.

Some DILS complain when there hubbies send money to mama, some don't even want mama to visit, I know one who doesn't like mama staying in the living room because she thinks mama smells funny and changes the odor of the whole place, another doesn't see why mama should say what they'll eat, forgetting that it was usually mother, who decided what the family ate while growing up and mama is doing so because she sees herself as the mother, not because she doesn't trust the DILS judgment, also remember that mama most likely had to put up with this when she was the DIL, so she sees it as the right way, eventhough it isn't,only a sensible woman can handle a situation like this well and it will take a lot of wisdom and patience.

My mum used to say that, as long as two people live in a house, there definitely will be tension/misunderstanding, so it is very necessary to apply wisdom in all you do, now mama is from a different generation and will not understand how everything works in our generation, it is only wise to be patient and understand this, my uncle used to say to me "you are the more learned and exposed one, so apply that" whenever I fell out with his wife, who will see it as lazy when I use one of those long brushes that allows me stand almost erect to sweep, than use a normal broom, she feels bending down to sweep is the best way to do it, something like that can cause a misunderstanding between MIL and DIL, with the DIL thinking this woman is too troublesome and MIL thinking, this one is too lazy without actually understanding where each is coming from. Ever since I started applying my uncle's advice, I noticed our misunderstandings reduced.

Many young women of this age, fail to realize that these mamas lived in a different time and are not really used to how life works now, instead of exercising a little patience with mama, they take the approach of "we know better because we went to school" which doesn't always end well, I'm not saying there are no outright evil MILS who just don't like their DILS, those ones are the exceptions not the rule like you are making it seem, I believe there will be less conflict, if each party take out time to understand the other, with the DILS applying more wisdom.

fem29:


Baby girl, your head dey there, such hypocrisy, men cannot put up with anything , everything must be designed for there comfort and protection of their very fragile ego, women have to take any old shit meted out to her and she is supposed to take it quietly and meekly. That is the definition of the good wife

freecocoa:
Sophyrocks, Babyosisi, cococandy, flytefalls et el.

You all have done a good job to point out the faults of some MILS, which is actually a true occurrence in many families, now can you also point out some of the things DILS do that also causes tension? You know, anyone who reads the posts from you so far, will likely see it as you blaming whatever goes wrong on the MIL.

I know some ladies who don't pray to have a MIL at all due to all they've heard or seen about MILS, now someone with such a mindset will most likey find faults in whatever her MIL does, should she eventually have one.

Some DILS complain when there hubbies send money to mama, some don't even want mama to visit, I know one who doesn't like mama staying in the living room because she thinks mama smells funny and changes the odor of the whole place, another doesn't see why mama should say what they'll eat, forgetting that it was usually mother, who decided what the family ate while growing up and mama is doing so because she sees herself as the mother, not because she doesn't trust the DILS judgment, also remember that mama most likely had to put up with this when she was the DIL, so she sees it as the right way, eventhough it isn't,only a sensible woman can handle a situation like this well and it will take a lot of wisdom and patience.

My mum used to say that, as long as two people live in a house, there definitely will be tension/misunderstanding, so it is very necessary to apply wisdom in all you do, now mama is from a different generation and will not understand how everything works in our generation, it is only wise to be patient and understand this, my uncle used to say to me "you are the more learned and exposed one, so apply that" whenever I fell out with his wife, who will see it as lazy when I use one of those long brushes that allows me stand almost erect to sweep, than use a normal broom, she feels bending down to sweep is the best way to do it, something like that can cause a misunderstanding between MIL and DIL, with the DIL thinking this woman is too troublesome and MIL thinking, this one is too lazy without actually understanding where each is coming from. Ever since I started applying my uncle's advice, I noticed our misunderstandings reduced.

Many young women of this age, fail to realize that these mamas lived in a different time and are not really used to how life works now, instead of exercising a little patience with mama, they take the approach of "we know better because we went to school" which doesn't always end well, I'm not saying there are no outright evil MILS who just don't like their DILS, those ones are the exceptions not the rule like you are making it seem, I believe there will be less conflict, if each party take out time to understand the other, with the DILS applying more wisdom.

Flytefalls:

Always on family matters arguing

dont know why you didnt study law

Shollypopzz:


Hey, "class clown", how have you been?

so sholly u were gna evade me like that huh?
Hmmm.. anyways im looking for abiL
have u got her contact outside here

why dont u try reachin me as well sholly
tired of this whole nl shit

babygirlfl:


I would have totally agreed with you but for one reason. The same mother in law from another generation won't behave the same way when she visits her married daughters home. If she behaved the same way, then you can then say it's the generation difference.

bukatyne:


My hubby told me that a spouse has the sole responsibility to caution their family member which I have come to realize that's true.

In the case of MIL and DIL, I will blame MIL more... even if the DIL is a witch, the MIL has the responsibility of keeping out if their way and if she is not comfortable, then leave. I am talking from experience

We have a somewhat In-law (wife) but we have learnt to walk around her... it is her home, her rules.

cococandy:
I don't know which post of my you were reading that was only pointing out faults in MILs, but let me summarize all of them in one sentence in case someone else is getting the impression ( as they obviously would) that it is all about blaming MILs.

each person should be the one to address their parent(mother) on issues likely to cause misunderstandings between the mother and his/her spouse. I would do so for my hubby if my mom becomes unbearable towards him same as I expect from him.

That's the summary.

There was no painting of any MIL as the bad guy in any of at.
Just a tip for the couple to avoid or reduce friction if possible.

Anyone could be at fault.

freecocoa:
Don't take it personal please, the post was directed at many people, sorry if I involved you where I shouldn't have.