1. Sex is between a man and a woman, with a penis in a
vagina
Where does that leave people who are intersex, homosexual
or transgender? Or those who don't like penetration? Or
those who only practice anal or MouthAction? Are lesbians not
having sex when they get each other off?
Think of 'sex' as an umbrella term for all the consensual
sexy acts that get you hot and bothered with someone else
– or yourself.
Maybe people are uncomfortable thinking of 'real sex' as
anything but PIV (penis in vagina) sex, because considering
'sex' as an inclusive term raises guilty feels about when you
first experienced sex or lost your ‘virginity’. Which brings
me to…
2. Virginity is a thing
Is virginity a conceptual or a physical actuality?
If the latter, then anything can 'take' your virginity, including
a tampon or a jump in the pool. Also, nothing ‘breaks’ your
hymen, because this little membrane doesn’t totally cover
the entrance to your vagina.
Your vagina isn't a Pringles can that you pop (although
once you pop, you might not want to stop). If it’s a
concept, then when do you 'lose' your virginity? The
dictionary will say something like: you lose your virginity
when you practise sexual intercourse for the first time.
If sex is an umbrella term and/or you don’t practice PIV
sex, do you remain a virgin regardless of all the crazy kinky
sex shit you get up to? Are you still a virgin if you've only
ever practised mutual masturbation and anal or MouthAction?
3. First time sex hurts
Any penetrative sex hurts whenever you’re not ready and
you’re expecting the worst. Your body clams up, your vagina
clams up, in many cases your vaginal lubrication will dry up
and the friction will hurt. But it doesn't have to hurt.
I'm not saying it won’t maybe be weird and uncomfortable,
but pain doesn't have to happen. It’s not an inherent
feature in your first penetrative experience.
4. pre-intimacy is for her, men are always 'on'
The shtick we’re told over and over again is that women
need more pre-intimacy than men and men are always ready. If
you’re going to accept that ‘sex’ is a bunch of different
sexual acts, what is pre-intimacy?
The story we’re told about pre-intimacy is: To 'get her ready for
sex' practice some MouthAction or lick her nipples … then when
she is ready for penetration you can have sex with her.
There is pre-intimacy and then there is sex.' But all that
'pre-intimacy' stuff is really just sex and you’re either ready for
it or you’re not. You either need slow sex and a longer build
up or you can get off on a quickie.
If you want to talk about pre-intimacy, then talk about the
chemistry you and your guy have and work on as part of
your relationship culture – the intimacy you generate
throughout the day in your conversations, your displays of
affection and how you invest time in each other.
5. Men want sex, women want emotional connection
This is an incredibly old model, one that is sexist, old-
fashioned and stupid. It’s the Men Are From Mars, Women
Are From Venus paradigm.
My paradigm is: Humans are from Earth, like to socialize,
generally like to copulate, want to be accepted and have
feelings. We have been socialized to believe that men and
women are so fundamentally different that we forget the
humanity underpinning it all.
6. Great sex comes naturally
Great sex is like learning how to cook. Everyone can eat
food, just like everyone can bump genitals together. But
while some people will be content to eat an apple, others
will learn how to make the finest French apple tart and
serve it with dollops of clotted cream and sugared
strawberries.
Being a good lover depends mostly on stuff that has nothing
to do with your genitals, including self-knowledge, being
able to communicate clearly, being open to exploring and
being generous with your time and attention – and learning
some skills.
Unfortunately, when most of us are presented with our first
lovers (usually at a very young age, see above 'Sex is
between a vagina and penis') our experience is of chomping
on a plain apple when we were expecting the French apple
tart. Sadly, this can easily colour one’s experience of sex
and desire, and label the whole fiasco as less than
satisfactory fact forever and always.
7. Everybody likes sex, right?
Well no. Some people really don’t. Maybe it’s due to some
trauma or bad early experiences with intimacy and sex.
Maybe sex just isn't that much of a priority. But there are
also asexual people who just literally do not feel sexual
attraction or desire.
It doesn't mean they don’t fall in love, need or want
physical tenderness or have successful relationships; they
just don’t feel the lusty pull of desire on their loins.
8. Your number matters.
No it doesn't. Simple as that. Quantity means as little to
your morality as it does to your prowess as a lover. The
only purpose someone’s judgement and shaming serves
around the number of men and women I've been with, is as
an accurate measure of their friend and/or partner viability
in my life.
Save yourself a lot of time by not taking responsibility for
someone else’s issues when they have a problem with your
'number'.
9. Sex is about orgasm
Another product of the goal-driven society. Orgasm is great,
no one is denying that. But it is not the only pleasure we
derive from physical intimacy with each other. Loving and/
or enjoyable skin-to-skin interaction sets off a chemical
reaction in the body that releases a lot of happy hormones
that go a long way to build affection and bonding.
10. Men reach their sexual prime when they’re 18, women
when they’re 35.
I'm going use the scientific term for this: Rubbish. This
myth unfolded from very old, socially dated research from
the Kinsey data.
What is now being posited is genital prime and sexual
prime. The former is driven by biological factors (hormones,
health and so on) and the latter social factors (your
experience, maturity and general joie de vivre).
Sexual anthropologist Bella Ellwood-Clayton writes about
this in her book ‘Sex Drive’ and says: ‘Female desire can be
peaking all along, ebbing and flowing throughout the life
course.’

Ooh..I got turned on just reading this epistle....especially from #4.

#10 explains why I am always soo.....hot and bothered.

I say op thou, #5 is not a myth. It is still very true...I know for me anyway.

Doesn't take much to get me going, but I have found over the years, that guys that I have emotional connection with first, usually were the ones I felt the most comfortable and readily intimate with.

When there's no emotional connection, it's hard for me to 'relax' and and let go etc etc etc....

Point being: know thy self. Sweeping statements rarely sweep all.

how come one can say vagina but they gats say joystick double standard.

foh if u think ama read all that crap