.

Ewuro4:
Wedon, these ladies don't want the truth. I typed a long epistle and had to delete it. But it's true, of what good will my advice be when the deed is already done.

JK: "Don't loose a good man because of money" (I don't like that girl but she made sense)

And those patting her back are mostly married and managing their garri & epa that life throws at them. Some quit their jobs to stay home in other to save their childcare expenses. No offence.

I still wish you well dearie from the bottom of my keyboard.

I'm out.

Imanuelle:


Enjoy for where?

No lie oh, else buhari go jail you.

Hahaha Our president

Poshe7:
The guy that claims to love me and want to marry me wants me to quit my job first.

I got a well paying job a year ago, in an Oil servicing Company, located in PH, i was taken to their Lagos office sometime last year.

This guy that claims to love me is a Pharmacist, working in Owerri. He has been disturbed about the distance of lagos from owerri,

he told me that, if i want the marriage to take place, i must quit my job and join him in owerri, where he will open a pharmacy shop for me to

stay. I gave him the option of working

my transfer back to PH, he said he cant still cope with it, that he wants to raise a family everyone will be together.

I gave him another option to allow me work for a year more or 2, because i have just worked with the company for 1 year, and i know how the

job is helping my family and junior ones, who are still in school.

My final answer was, NO, i cannot quit my job to marry you, and it seems the guy has moved on.

Please did i make a mistake by saying NO?
should i have quit my job to marry him?

You did the right thing, don't feel guilty for anything, if he wants to go let him go.

Why on earth should a man give a lady such an ultimatum. Is he not supposed to reach a compromise with you?? Which kind love gives ultimatum and can't reach a compromise …

you gave wonderful suggestions, he should give you 2years to fix up yourself else let him go.
You will meet another man.

It's unfortunate the way some folks have made marriage look.
Resign from your job just to get married not taking into consideration your responsibilities, and all he could think of is a shop for you.

I de vex.

Ewuro4:
Wedon, these ladies don't want the truth. I typed a long epistle and had to delete it. But it's true, of what good will my advice be when the deed is already done.

JK: "Don't loose a good man because of money" (I don't like that girl but she made sense)

And those patting her back are mostly married and managing their garri & epa that life throws at them. Some quit their jobs to stay home in other to save their childcare expenses. No offence.

I still wish you well dearie from the bottom of my keyboard.

I'm out.

Hmmm ewuro I no understand ur comment oo. Obviously it wasn't working for her that's why she couldn't do it. Tbh I cannot imagine leaving a good job for the uncertain. I will do this, I will do that. Hmmmm.

It is one thing to sacrifice your life for your kids but to do this for a fiancée when you don't know if he will fulfil his promises or if he will change his mind tomorrow . Meehn it's too much to ask for.

Yes you are right many of us saying kudos to her are married and managing our garri and epa life , but maybe that is why we are telling her not to do it cos she still has a choice and can do better than we did.

I don't think there is 1 way to go in life, this wasn't working for her and I can imagine that it would have taken a toll on her to do this, we need to encourage her to be confident about her decision, remain positive and have a healthy mental attitude towards the whole episode. I am sure she will still jam a man that will complement her better

fem29:


Hmmm ewuro I no understand ur comment oo. Obviously it wasn't working for her that's why she couldn't do it. Tbh I cannot imagine leaving a good job for the uncertain. I will do this, I will do that. Hmmmm.

It is one thing to sacrifice your life for your kids but to do this for a fiancée when you don't know if he will fulfil his promises or if he will change his mind tomorrow . Meehn it's too much to ask for.

Yes you are right many of us saying kudos to her are married and managing our garri and epa life , but maybe that is why we are telling her not to do it cos she still has a choice and can do better than we did.

I don't think there is 1 way to go in life, this wasn't working for her and I can imagine that it would have taken a toll on her to do this, we need to encourage her to be confident about her decision, remain positive and have a healthy mental attitude towards the whole episode. I am sure she will still jam a man that will complement her better

Words of wisdom

edwife:

You ehn

No be true I tok? You know I don't mince my words. And what is your own take on this issue?

***
Fem29, what do you mean by uncertainty?? You're very funny. many women leave their lives for uncertainty, marriage itself is uncertainty.. She's in a serious relationship leading to marriage proper. So are you saying he should put a ring on it before telling her to quit her job which is deciet and far worse? So you'd rather let her marry first and deal with life curveballs then?? A man will change his mind after 5 children so what do you do then, Walk?

please let's be realistic here, life is not bed of roses and you know it. Besides,we aren't certain of the reasons for his quest. And he's not leaving her high and dry, he made her a business proposition ( pharmacy) , that's what a reasonable man does, it's left to a wise woman to present her case and meet in the middle.
Many professional women left their rosy single lives for uncertainty in obodo oyinbo and continue to do it, many are boarding flights at MMA as I type, many single ladies on this thread will jump at it. Even in Nigeria, posh ladies relocate their careers for family. We read that Everytime here. I've done it, my friends have done it. I'm not gonna judge them for that. Marriage is for family simple. If you're not ready then its not for you.( I didn't mean you )

It's obvious she is not ready for that next level in her life. But the ' Bravo, you did a good job' charade is what I'm not buying on this thread hence my statement. It's fake and insincere.

I've already wished her well moving forward. Her life is how she makes it.

Encourage her for what? You won't catch my shadows doing such when the truth is staring me in the face.

I wan chop iyan. Ciao

my dear, your decision was not really bad considering your assistance to your family. may Grant you a man that will understand ur plight.

my dear, your decision was not really bad considering your assistance to your family. may God grant you a man that will understand your plight.

OP quit your job so that your siblings and parents will depend on him for fees and financial support.

cococandy:
OP quit your job so that your siblings and parents will depend on him for fees and financial support.

Seriously I wonder why some people are not seeing the red Flags in the relationship.

Ewuro4:

. many women leave their lives for uncertainty, marriage itself is uncertainty.

Any risk or uncertainty must be carefully calculated.
If I may ask what do you really know of the man in question??

please let's be realistic here, life is not bed of roses and you know it. Besides,we aren't certain of the reasons for his quest. And he's not leaving her high and dry, he made her a business proposition ( pharmacy)

here's the reality, selling at a drug store is totally living the man's dream.

that's what a reasonable man does, it's left to a wise woman to present her case and meet in the middle.

Did Op(Poshe7) not present her case and came up with wonderful suggestions, why can't the man come to the middle, where Poshe7 is??

Many professional women left their rosy single lives for uncertainty in obodo oyinbo and continue to do it, many are boarding flights at MMA as I type, many single ladies on this thread will jump at it. Even in Nigeria, posh ladies relocate their careers for family. We read that Everytime here. I've done it, my friends have done it. I'm not gonna judge them for that. Marriage is for family simple. If you're not ready then its not for you.( I didn't mean you )

Yes Many are doing it, and I will support them depending on the scenario …
Does living your job to sell a drug store sound the same as flying overseas??
are you aware Poshe7 is just a year at work and at most a recent graduate?
Did you and your friends leave your jobs to sell a drug store??
did you and your friends get ultimatum from your hubby to quit the job or forget the marriage??
Are you aware that Poshe7 has a family she is responsible to?? did your siblings depend on you at the time you left your job??

It's obvious she is not ready for that next level in her life. But the ' Bravo, you did a good job' charade is what I'm not buying on this thread hence my statement. It's fake and insincere.
I've already wished her well moving forward. Her life is how she makes it.
Encourage her for what? You won't catch my shadows doing such when the truth is staring me in the face.
I wan chop iyan. Ciao

My dear, am a Man,
Poshe7's hubby took a selfish approach.
You can hype marriage as you want to, let every other lady see marriage as a big achievement, but Let the truth be told, let every other lady jump at the opportunity just to answer MRS,

Poshe7, get a life, pursue your career, get to the top, there are many men out there, you will definitely meet someone that will reach a compromise with you.

Never you accept a drug store deal, if you are settling down, tell yourself the kind of business you want to do, let the man employ someone to sell his drugs.

God bless you, have a blissful and colorful future ahead.

Pls don't even try to dial his number or be tempted to send him text messages

Op, to be honest both of you weren't in love and never really wanted the marriage to hold.. If not, why would a lil argument such as location cause a stop to already proposed marriage?
If you guys couldn't reach a decision or compromise concerning issue like this, then it's good you parted ways cos I wonder how you would hv handled other more challanging issues that come with marriage. ..

All the best...

Wise decision!! Never change your mind.

Poshe7:
The guy that claims to love me and want to marry me wants me to quit my job first.

I got a well paying job a year ago, in an Oil servicing Company, located in PH, i was taken to their Lagos office sometime last year.

This guy that claims to love me is a Pharmacist, working in Owerri. He has been disturbed about the distance of lagos from owerri,

he told me that, if i want the marriage to take place, i must quit my job and join him in owerri, where he will open a pharmacy shop for me to

stay. I gave him the option of working

my transfer back to PH, he said he cant still cope with it, that he wants to raise a family everyone will be together.

I gave him another option to allow me work for a year more or 2, because i have just worked with the company for 1 year, and i know how the

job is helping my family and junior ones, who are still in school.

My final answer was, NO, i cannot quit my job to marry you, and it seems the guy has moved on.

Please did i make a mistake by saying NO?
should i have quit my job to marry him?

Ewuro4:


You ehn

No be true I tok? You know I don't mince my words. And what is your own take on this issue?

***
Fem29, what do you mean by uncertainty?? You're very funny. many women leave their lives for uncertainty, marriage itself is uncertainty.. She's in a serious relationship leading to marriage proper. So are you saying he should put a ring on it before telling her to quit her job which is deciet and far worse? So you'd rather let her marry first and deal with life curveballs then?? A man will change his mind after 5 children so what do you do then, Walk?

please let's be realistic here, life is not bed of roses and you know it. Besides,we aren't certain of the reasons for his quest. And he's not leaving her high and dry, he made her a business proposition ( pharmacy) , that's what a reasonable man does, it's left to a wise woman to present her case and meet in the middle.
Many professional women left their rosy single lives for uncertainty in obodo oyinbo and continue to do it, many are boarding flights at MMA as I type, many single ladies on this thread will jump at it. Even in Nigeria, posh ladies relocate their careers for family. We read that Everytime here. I've done it, my friends have done it. I'm not gonna judge them for that. Marriage is for family simple. If you're not ready then its not for you.( I didn't mean you )

It's obvious she is not ready for that next level in her life. But the ' Bravo, you did a good job' charade is what I'm not buying on this thread hence my statement. It's fake and insincere.

I've already wished her well moving forward. Her life is how she makes it.

Encourage her for what? You won't catch my shadows doing such when the truth is staring me in the face.

I wan chop iyan. Ciao

My Problem with her is her opening post,she wasn't even sure if the guy loved her ,in her own word "claimed".

Ewuro yes you right,life is uncertainty but for me i will encourage this for a married woman or a single lady whose fiance has a solid financial security.
Do you really think if this lady said that the guy has opened a big supermarket or boutique for me and he has made all arrangements for me to travel abroad for the purchase of my goods,we will see her here or everybody patting her?

The truth is the guy had good plans but not at the appropriate time,he should have agreed to meet in the middle(Port Harcourt).
Quitting her job at that moment was not an option if you ask me,for the fact that she is the breadwinner of her family.Remember there is a lot to be prepared before the wedding , she quits her job who is going to pay for her wedding?the move?the pharmacy?.Do you think he will have her people in mind when attending to his?She will be putting her family at the mercy of her husband.

She only asked for a year or a transfer to Port which for me was the best option in this circumstance,45 min drive she will be in Owerri every weekend until she could have saved enough to even open something else next to the pharmacy he promised her.

We live in a strange world where people break their promises anytime and anyhow.It wasn't just for them,they should both move on and continue with their lives.
I am a hard believer of Marriage is for Family,but in this case there were no marriage or solid proof of financial security.

@Edwife

You've said it alll...

Nkjay:
@Edwife

You've said it alll...

Thank you

na wah o...
sometimes I just feel women have no career opportunity in marriage(aside self employment) which I really think, I would have asked my dad for the sum total of my 6yr tuition in opening a big shop for me instead of sweating my bu.tt through the university in the first place if I needed to be a shop owner..now that I don't see myself in that line, I don't think any one earns the chieftaincy of dictating my life otherwise... if a woman wants to quit her job, it should rest solely on her and her options if she deem fit..
not because someone said.

I dont know if you took the right step, but I believe you would have dropped your dreams to pursue his if he already planned out the pharmacy shop and not just promises..so its really not as if you are holding to your career but just being careful (what if he failed with his promise? or call off the marriage?) , you would have jumped at the marriage card if the shop was available already, no?
but since he was basically giving promises and worse off, ultimatum then if you feel you made the right choice..then you did, its your life.. anyone who thinks because you are a woman, then you should live your life as she did/is living hers..is living in denial.
that it works for her dropping her dreams, might not work for you especially as it is based on uncertainty..
I WILL NEVER drop my dreams(if I was studying another course, okkk well I might have a rethink, but I don't want to have a rethink hence I'm not pursuing any other dream) to become a housewife or one boutique owner..
actually I don't mind having a boutique at the side while fulfilling my main dream.

maybe women don't have dreams...I dont know! what I know is, I have one and I will fight to follow it regardless..

For me, there is no right or wrong decision when it comes to starting a family or building a home.

This OP is obviously NOT in love with her ex, and is not also sure of his love for her. So YES she made the right decision . . . . this time.

But it might not always be this easy a decision to make. She should be ready to make tough decisions if the need arises.

Also, let her decision be for the right reasons . . .

I once gave up a big step in life because I was working and catering for my family (mum and some siblings). To this day I regret it . . .

pickabeau1:


While you are strictly right,... its still semantics

The fiancé today becomes the husband tomorrow

Note the use of the words by the OP

The man who claims to love me etc bla bla bla

The sacrifice required is not the full issue though bad timing, family obligations and lack of compromise from the man exacerbated it.
She was not sure if the man is worth the hullaballoo

let me assume the emboldened was the major reason she chose her career over his marriage card..then I'm free to say she took the right step
if at all you are going to halt your own dream to help a man build his, then that man ought to be 'near Jesus' And worth it. okkk maybe he doesn't worth it in the first place but the op still tried to drop few options just to make them click...which he felt he was too traditional to follow.. then...

person wey you wan manage wey dey form you drop like he's nothing..

quivah:

let me assume the emboldened was the major reason she chose her career over his marriage card..then I'm free to say she took the right step
if at all you are going to halt your own dream to help a man build his, then that man ought to be 'near Jesus' And worth it. okkk maybe he doesn't worth it in the first place but the op still tried to drop few options just to make them click...which he felt he was too traditional to follow.. then...

person wey you wan manage wey dey form you drop like he's nothing..

Ok

edwife:


My Problem with her is her opening post,she wasn't even sure if the guy loved her ,in her own word "claimed".

Ewuro yes you right,life is uncertainty but for me i will encourage this for a married woman or a single lady whose fiance has a solid financial security.
Do you really think if this lady said that the guy has opened a big supermarket or boutique for me and he has made all the arrangements for me to travel abroad for the purchase of my goods,we will see her here or everybody patting her?

The truth is the guy had good plans but not at the appropriate time,he should have agreed to meet in the middle(Port Harcourt).
Quitting her job at that moment was not an option if you ask me,for the fact that she is the breadwinner of her family.Remember there is a lot to be prepared before the wedding , she quits her job who is going to pay for her wedding?the move?the pharmacy?.Do you think he will have her people in mind when attending to his?She will be putting her family at the mercy of her husband.

She only asked for a year or a transfer to Port which for me was the best option in this circumstance,45 min drive she will be in Owerri every weekend until she could have saved enough to even open something else next to the pharmacy he promised her.

We live in a strange world where people break their promises anytime and anyhow.It wasn't just for them,they should both move on and continue with their lives.
I am a hard believer of Marriage is for Family,but in this case there were no marriage or solid proof of financial security.

the highlighted is my concern...and why i kinda support her.

ideology:


Seriously I wonder why some people are not seeing the red Flags in the relationship.


Any risk or uncertainty must be carefully calculated.
If I may ask what do you really know of the man in question??

here's the reality, selling at a drug store is totally living the man's dream.


Yes Many are doing it, and I will support them depending on the scenario …
Does living your job to sell a drug store sound the same as flying overseas??
are you aware Poshe7 is just a year at work and at most a recent graduate?
Did you and your friends leave your jobs to sell a drug store??
did you and your friends get ultimatum from your hubby to quit the job or forget the marriage??
Are you aware that Poshe7 has a family she is responsible to?? did your siblings depend on you at the time you left your job??


My dear, am a Man,
Poshe7's hubby took a selfish approach.
You can hype marriage as you want to, let every other lady see marriage as a big achievement, but Let the truth be told, let every other lady jump at the opportunity just to answer MRS,

Poshe7, get a life, pursue your career, get to the top, there are many men out there, you will definitely meet someone that will reach a compromise with you.

Never you accept a drug store deal, if you are settling down, tell yourself the kind of business you want to do, let the man employ someone to sell his drugs.

God bless you, have a blissful and colorful future ahead.

Pls don't even try to dial his number or be tempted to send him text messages

God bless you for this.

Poshe7 did the right thing. There are just too many selfish men out there and yes, every risk must be well thought through and calculated.

reminds me of a guy who wanted my relative to leave her high flying job, relocate to nigeria , when she was barely 3years away from acquiring british citizenship

The devil comes in different form believe me

Of course, she told him to go to hell and asked him to take his engagement ring back. Well, they reconciled after the guy relunctantly agreed to her staying back in England. Today, she's happily married to the same man and they are both living in England together as all the man's permutations and calculations for his perfect 'nigerian dream' failed.

what if the so called pharmacy the man plans to open for her fails to thrive? not everyone (man or woman) is cut out for business. some people shine at paid employment and fail woefully at business and vice versa. she would have ended up a frustrated, unhappy housewife and trust me , there are tons of such women around - even here on nairaland.

i do not see why a woman will have to give up her career for marriage or her 'children'. one day those kids will leave home and what are you left with ? nothing ! you cannot walk away from an engineering job and then think 7 - 10years later, you can easily breeze into that sector again. what happens if the man marrys someone else? what happens if he suddenly drops dead? what happens if he is no longer financially capable to fend for the family?

a smart and savy woman can maintain her home, have a happy marriage and still fulfil all her career aspirations - as long as she is married to a supporting man and not some d!ckhead!

Keep walking and never look back.

This is a perfect case to say, good riddance to bad rubbish, to.

Edwife spoke my thoughts . There should have been a middle ground esp as the distance in this case was not inter-country. One can even say Owerri and PH are around the same region. I can understand OP fears as the breadwinner in her family. How many men except filthy rich would want to take on their FULL(note I used FULL) responsibility for their wives family?

OP just move and don't seek validation, You have done what you think was right for you at the time.

Ralphlauren:


a smart and savy woman can maintain
her home, have a happy marriage and
still fulfil all her career aspirations - as
long as she is married to a supporting
man and not some d!ckhead!

yeah supportive!
loads of women in top places in Nigeria wouldn't have made it there if they were stucked with unsupportive husbands and left to look over some pharmacy, boutique or provision shops or if they themselves think marriage is the 'all all' for women...And that children is the ultimate. moreover they have children and husbands themselves. so all these 'sacrifice' I don't know o.. its compromise I understand without necessarily falling out of your dreams.
I don't know who says a woman can't be every thing aside being a wife and mother..

these same men who compelled woman to minute jobs(such as self employment) will open mouth to accuse Nigerian women of not dropping any great inventions towards civilization..when women were not really given chances to exhibit themselves... and careers

what we need is support!! not restrictions, phuleaaase!!

Wow, it's just Owerri and PH and you guys could not reach a compromise. Indeed you made the right decision. Everything is not gra gra and giving each other ultimatums.

The person talking about weighing the risks is absolutely correct. The odds were totally against her. OP should also take responsibility for her actions. And a good man would have compromised with you while you try to get a transfer.

damiso:
Edwife spoke my thoughts . There should have been a middle ground esp as the distance in this case was not inter-country. One can even say Owerri and PH are around the same region. I can understand OP fears as the breadwinner in her family. How many men except filthy rich would want to take on their FULL(note I used FULL) responsibility for their wives family?

OP just move and don't seek validation, You have done what you think was right for you at the time.

I don't see why and how any filthy or no filthy rich man will and should take full responsibility of his wife's family while he's there taking care of his, their children and friends needs.. he will at some point complain bitterly..and yes! I won't blame him. gosh! what have we turned women too useless?!
reasons parents send their daughters (and sons) to school is to be successful,enlightened and be able to take care of their responsibility on them without necessarily depending on some one..any 'someone' else will be an advantage not the original source.
it is hard I must say

quivah:

yeah supportive!
loads of women in top places in Nigeria wouldn't have made it there if they were stucked with unsupportive husbands and left to look over some pharmacy, boutique or provision shops or if they themselves think marriage is the 'all all' for women...And that children is the ultimate.
I don't know who says a woman can't be every thing aside being a wife and mother..

these same men who compelled woman to minute jobs(such as self employment) would open mouth to accuse Nigerian women of not dropping any great inventions towards civilization..when women were not really given chances to exhibit themselves...

what we need is support!! not restrictions, phuleaaase!!

All of you that quoted my post I only have one response: OK

The point still remained that she neither loved nor trusted the guy , end of.

And it's good to learn that abroad visa is the only ticket to certainty. What do I know, I'm a learner.

quivah:

I don't see why and how any filthy or no filthy rich man will and should take full responsibility of his wife's family while he's there taking care of his, their children and friends needs.. he will at some point complain bitterly..and yes! I won't blame him. gosh! what have we turned women too useless?!
reasons parents send their daughters (and sons) to school is to be successful,enlightened and be able to take care of their responsibility on them without necessarily depending on some one..any 'someone' else will be an advantage not the original source.
it is hard I must say

My dear I am not saying that they(men) should o I am just emphasising the fact that I kind of understand her predicament. Hard but she has made the decision she felt was best for her and her family at the time. No need to keep overthinking(except deep down she feels she has made a mistake).

Another guy will( or might not) come along.

Ewuro4:
All of you that quoted my post I only have one response: OK

The point still remained that she neither loved nor trusted the guy , end of.

And it's good to learn that abroad visa is the only ticket to certainty. What do I know, I'm a learner.

But sis if the guy too trusted and loved her why must it resign and pharmacy shop or nothing?

damiso:


My dear I am not saying that they(men) should o I am just emphasising the fact that I kind of understand her predicament. Hard but she has made the decision she felt was best for her and her family at the time. No need to keep overthinking(except deep down she feels she has made a mistake).

Another guy will( or might not) come along.

I understand ma...I'm just saying, even a filthy rich man wouldn't carry all the responsibility of his wife's family.

its not worth killing herself over if another guy doesn't come, at least its better than being stuck. but he will come